Using the Nine Waves to heal your life

As you can probably tell by now, I’m quite enthusiastic about Dr. Calleman’s new book “The Nine Waves of Creation” and have been using this (oh, how I’ve been using it) to better understand my own life so I can, hopefully, help others to make sense of theirs. One of the ways I have approached this is to apply the nine wave structure to the pattern of my own health journey, which threw up the most startling amount of coherence that I really feel I have put to bed the last remnants of what still felt unreconciled, so reaching a brand new place of clarity and healing. Honestly, using this approach has tied up the whole of my experience so coherently that I feel clear and newly liberated to embark on the next portion of my life without any baggage, only precious gifts weighing down my pockets. How on earth? Well, that’s what I outlined in this week’s blog on Living Whole and it feels far too valuable to keep quiet about so I’m going to share the entire post in here too:

Source: There’s nothing wrong, its all just evolution!


There’s an incredible book that I recently finished reading and its been like a missing piece of the jigsaw for me. Its called “The Nine Waves of Creation” by Carl Johan Calleman, PhD and its an astonishingly audacious yet entirely coherent perspective on our human experience. I’ve reviewed it more broadly in my other blog (here’s that post) but what feels most important to share, in this space about health and personal wellbeing, is how relatable its quantum perspective is to the consideration of whether we are thriving (or not) in these particular times in our human history. The book has shed so much light on why I and others like myself may have struggled to thrive at a very fundamental level and that is so often played out through our health; and why we are now at a change point that offers us a remarkable advantage…if we choose to see it and work with it. In fact, I would go as far as saying that what I am about to share with you feels like the most important information topic I’ve ever written about here.

What’s the quantum-holographic perspective got to do with my health?

I talk a lot in these posts about the yin and the yang and how I regard the “sacred feminine” aspect to be a particular quality that was missing from the world and which has been trying to return in order to bring the planet back into balance. Without getting deeply into that here, since such ideas might sound too abstract in the context of health, Calleman’s book helps to bridge that gap in a way that is far more scientific and relatable for those who aren’t already seeing its significance in their own lives. Calleman has a PhD in physical biology from the University of Stockholm and is well respected in the scientific community, in addition to being a world expert on the Mayan Calendar. The way he handles this somewhat abstract concept, which he refers to in terms of the left and right hemispheres of the brain (and, indeed, the planet), is so compelling; also, supported by both conventional history and a huge amount of anecdote, to which I can now add mine.

He talks about evolution as something that “comes in” to our planet in very distinct waves omitted by a cosmic “tree of life”, which are downloaded by human beings all at once, as aspects of the global mind (you can imagine, somewhat like a computer receiving an upgraded version of a software package, which adds new features that simply weren’t there the day before). Suddenly the human mind is reassessing its world and finding features that it has never even noticed before, which alter their whole perception of reality since it is now seeing everything through a completely different filter. This profoundly affects everything going on for them, from what they think life is all about, what they feel capable of, what their priorities are, how they relate to each other and to the planet or the universe in general, and so on. These waves oscillate between “day” and “night” periods, reflecting peaks and valleys in their particular influence. That they do so is supported by correlations between “day” and “night” periods with with some of the most remarkable peaks and troughs in our human history; times when we took a huge evolutionary leap by started to innovate in a brand new way…or when certain behaviours, often whole cultures, went very suddenly and inexplicably into decline. These include moments such as the so-called instant flowering of brand new, incredibly coherent cultures that built pyramids (all around the world, all at the same time) which has long baffled historians, leading to some extremely unsatisfactory theories until I read Calleman’s book.

Without needing to go deeply into the history side of all this (I recommend you read the book), what is so key to know here is that we are living in remarkable times; an era when some of us get to experience not just one or two waves but even, sometimes, THREE in a single lifetime. This is because the frequency of the waves increases by a factor of 20 with each one (up to a total of nine according to Calleman) becoming faster and less spaced-out over time. Therefore, the Seventh Wave (which had been around for over two hundred years) only just went into its night period, the Eighth Wave got properly started in 1999 and the ninth wave came in on 9th March 2011. If you just loosely connect these dates with the timeline of your life, see if you can’t detect how your experience made needle jumps from one track to another at around these times; I know that mine did.

The Waves of Creation and chronic health conditions

What probably relates most to you, as a person interested in your own health and wellbeing, is that the Sixth and the Seventh Waves had very different preoccupations and outlook to the Eighth and the Ninth and both were active until very recently. So for those of us that are three or more decades old, our lives have ended up being the bridge that is attempting to make sense of these transitions. There are many more features to these interactions but, most importantly, the Sixth Wave set our process of civilization in motion; along with agriculture, cities, literacy, money, duality, war, monarchy and religion plus the Hologram of Good and Evil (something Calleman discusses at length), contributing to mental slavery, one of its themes. The Seventh Wave triggered the industrial (and political) revolution and made science the be-all-and-end-all of everything. Under its influence, we mostly gave up on the idea of god (except in so far as it could be used to control the masses), having taken a two-footed leap into the deep pool of empirical theory. We prioritised ownership, money and power, all very “yang” in their perspectives (in fact the “yin” hadn’t been around for the best part of 5000 years and women knew all about that since their experiences reflected this). If you’re my age, you are probably very familiar with the whole package of the Seventh Wave. It brought us some of our most memorable wars (as well as some of our milestone innovations) and our parents and grandparents, who were resoundingly “of” those times, likely saw the world through a very different filter to ours when we were growing up. This play-off is what saw the peace and love movement of the 1960s, which was the pre-wave of the Eighth Wave in reaction to the Seventh.

The Eighth was all the other way to the Seventh, like a hemispherical flip from one side to the other. It was a “yin” wave of increasing softness and a desire to communicate coming in (hence the birth of the internet), a return to some sort of spirituality (without the middleman) plus an echo of some of the qualities that had been “lost” at the end of the Fifth Wave (around 3000 BCE) when civilisation first got started. A great many people experience it as a recalibration or a correction of what has felt so “wrong” or out of balance about the world and we are still in this phase now since there was an awful lot to “put right”. So as the pre-wave of that era came in (all of the waves have a pre-wave), we experienced a subtle wave of softening arrive, and also its backlash (think some of the heavy politics and conflict of the 70s and 80s). Many people talk as though the sacred feminine has only just started returning – no, she’s been in the building for at least 30 or 40 years now and its been a hard transition, as some of us can bear witness to in our bodies and our direct experiences…

Then, just a handful of years into all that, we reached – according to Calleman – the grand finale that is the Ninth Wave, which is all about Unity Consciousness; bringing the perspectives of all the other waves together so that we have access to them all as we (individually and collectively) choose to work with them. This wave has no filters and so we get to see it all and to pick and choose our own particular “flavour” from the selection; you could say, living life as “the absolute” embodied as human, with the full range of options available. Like any other wave, the Ninth has its ups and downs or “days and nights” of influence but, unlike the lengthy peaks and troughs of other waves, these last a total of 18 days per “day” phase and 18 days per “night phase so we can often witness these remarkably swift yet variable patterns in our own lives, where our experiences may be playing out some sort of wild oscillation in our health or our general experiences.

So, what if there’s nothing wrong with us, its all just evolution?

The night periods are when the Ninth Wave has least influence, meaning flavours of previous waves might get to come in more strongly (if “chosen” to play with by those of us who still relate or fixate upon them). Thus we might experience what feel like inexplicable periods of backtracking or those moments when we are left wondering “WHY did that thing come up again, I thought I had dealt with all that ages ago”. These can be those terribly frustrating and demoralising relapses in our health, which is where understanding about (and tracking – you can do that HERE) the ups and downs of the Ninth Wave can be incredibly enlightening. In my life, they have often been the times when I do lots of “clearing and releasing”; taking opportunities to revisit, reexamine and do work with any “old stuff” that needs resolving. Some people (Matt Kahn is one of them) are talking about the fact we have now moved beyond the need to keep going backwards and clearing old stuff from the depths of our basement and I would say, yes, this is so just as soon as you want it to be so and feel you can resonate with the Ninth Wave perspective all of the time, without needing to revisit the shadow aspects of these other waves. Only you will know when you are ready for that but shining light on how these waves work and how they intersect with one another might be a helpful way to speed the process. You could say, the moment you are ready to live in this full-accessible reality is the moment that you heal!

First, you may want to understand why it is that you have been struggling so much to date and Calleman’s book might help you to make light work of what could otherwise have kept you going around in circles for a lot longer. The underlying principle of the kind of evolutionary impulse that Calleman is talking about here is that it is all about forward progression in a kind of spiralling motion, NOT going around in endless circles of repeat experience that we try to make sense of based on seasons, conventional astrology, the precession of the equinoxes, 26,000 year cosmic cycles or whatever we have grabbed on to as our modality for trying to observe patterns. When we are perpetually moving forwards, there ARE no repeat patterns. These waves speed up, they appear more and more often and the key part (when it comes to what have felt like some of the push and pulls of your life) is that they overlap, presenting you with choices….the upshot of which is the evolution of YOU as you get to choose what to align with. This puts you firmly in the driver’s seat and there ARE no predictors so you get to write the ending.

You can imagine what the play off of these very different waves may have looked like in your life to-date if you were already attuned to them as they started to overlap without knowing they were even there influencing you so strongly. This is certainly my experience, to a very large degree; and it was all evolutionary, which means I don’t regret a thing.

Have you always felt like a fish out of water?

If I can try to summarise what I suspect might be a shared theme of many of us that “came in” pre wired for the Eighth Wave, long before it “officially” arrived, then I think I might be able to shed some light on why so many of us have felt like fish out of water or like we don’t belong in our world. This is important here because, for so many people, this misfit quality underlies the kind of chronic health issues that I write about in my posts. Challenged health is a sure sign that a person doesn’t feel like they are thriving or “fitting in” to a paradigm of existence and when health challenges becomes systemic, that is, affecting nearly every aspect of a person’s biology, one factor after another or across so many planes of experience at once that it seems too bizarre (and hardly anyone is taking them seriously); almost like they are chasing a crazy rabbit around a field, this feels like there is something bigger and more evolutionary at play.

I have long considered my own health challenges to be a sign of “something going right” rather than “something going wrong” and have held on to the fact that I clearly signed up to be one of many forerunners of some sort of evolutionary leap that made the transition for me and those like me particularly hard, courageous and (by old paradigm terminology) inexplicable. The more doctors shake their heads at these kind of illnesses, the more I have felt like it is the doctors that are behind, not me, and that the science simply doesn’t exist to explain what I am going through. Things have softened up somewhat over the last decade and science is slowly getting more of a handle; perhaps, mostly, because it is starting to allow that it doesn’t have all of the answers. However it seems so obvious to me that the reason they don’t get further than that is that they still insist on being able to pin-down and box-up these illnesses along with all the other conditions they manufacture pills for but what if they aren’t even meant to nail this one down using those methods? What if all they will ever capture, for a few minutes, are some of the symptoms…before those move on to play hide-and-seek somewhere else? What if that is the very nature of the beast because it doesn’t WANT to be pinned down since it is trying to evolve us to a point where we cease this obsession with possessing and labelling and shape-sorting everything that we think we know? What doctors haven’t been seeing is that the very desire to pigeon hole everything in this way is a Seventh Wave perspective…and we are no longer under the day-time influence of that wave!

This is what makes fibromyalgia and others like it a new-wave condition, an evolutionary condition…born of the transition era that we are living through. For those of us that “have it” we are effecting a very important role as forerunners into a new way of thinking, not least by forcing doctors, family members and ourselves TO THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX. Through every challenge we take on and the new ways that we get to look at that challenge (getting a little more adept at opening our perspectives another mile or so every time we dive in) we are BEING the evolution of an entire species, throwing fuel on the bonfire of those old filtered perspectives and helping to birth a more holistic approach to medicine. We are forcing that meeting ground between left and right hemispheres because WE ARE IT in action!

What it feels like when you are tuned to a pre-wave before everyone else

For my own part, I had a remarkable epiphany on reading Calleman’s book and that was to understand that I arrived “pre-wired” for the Eighth Wave long before it was due thirty years later. Perhaps thats a theme for those who have struggled most/longest with their health? Calleman dates the pre-wave of the eighth wave as 1986 (although I gather, on talking to him, that he extends its influence back to the mid twentieth century in a previous book). Perhaps it was the fact that I was conceived in the “The Summer of Love”, the accidental pregnancy of an exuberant mother who was celebrating the fact my father had just got out of hospital, having survived a heart attack, but there was something about me that had me pre-wired for love, peace and lets all hang out together long before the world was ready for it, In fact I had almost no way of relating to the Seventh at all; I found it utterly abrasive from day one. I was pre-schooled at home, where I found nothing much to contradict my Eight Wave perspective so, when I was abruptly introduced to other people at the age of five, I was in for a terrible shock to my system. I suddenly met bitchiness and bullying, so much competition, bigoted perspectives, not to mention a cohort of middle-aged teachers whose mind-sets were emphatically pre-war in their stance. Suffice to say, I was a fish out of water immediately and it felt like someone had just torn off the top layer of my flesh…life HURT at every turn. My three siblings, with the same parents, same school yet born a decade earlier than me, seemed to have none of this challenge. Quite simply, I never really felt on the same wavelength as other people; not even to my own family but, now I was at school, the discrepancy was really stark and was only ever going to show up more as I matured; or until more people tuned in.

In the end, I kowtowed to some of the perspectives of the Seventh Wave just because I learned to be good at them (especially academically) as a necessary means to survival but every bit of it went against the grain. I can track the ups and distinct downs of my experiences to the 360-day periods of the alternating “days” and “nights” of the Eighth Wave as early as 1976 (probably earlier if I had more recollection). So there I was, trying to thrive with (and hide…) my peculiar Eighth Wave perspective in a world that felt cold in its Seventh Wave insistence upon exams and achievements, going after that big salary, possessing all that stuff that you were meant to enslave yourself to get…these were all the rubs of my next few years. My father, by the way, was an absolute product of the Seventh Wave, heavily peppered with the seasoning of the Sixth (he had been conditioned by a version of the hologram of “good and evil” dressed up as the religion stance that was invented expressly to dovetail with the industrial revolution, keeping the factory workers in line: hard-nosed Methodism, so it was all about work ethos and doing as you were told) so the challenge of trying to live-up to his expectations, then those husband I chose to continue that theme, played out for the first thirty years of my life. I would never thrive in that play-off, it was all just too contradictory to how I was fundamentally wired and yet I am now able to appreciate how I lined up this set of circumstances exactly so that I could engage with these earlier waves without having to be a product of them, as such.

When I looked back at the original post on Spinning the Light (May 2016) about the deeply-personal experience I refer to in the adjacent paragraph, it was startling to see how the several paintings by artist Hilma af Klint that I used to relate that experience correspond to the hologram of the Eighth Wave as visually depicted in The Nine Waves of Creation and also hint at the eight segmented global mind of Calleman’s earlier book The Global Mind and The Rise of Civilization. The “left hemisphere” appears to be depicted as having gone into shadow here, the right is distinctly lighter. My use of these images in that post make it clear to me that I was already tuned into the patterning of the waves and using them to “flip” my interpretation of that traumatic experience from 6th to 8th Wave perspective (also that Klint, who was mystic painting subjects that were far in advance of her time, was already tuning into the pre-wave of the Eighth Wave 100 years ago). This is how we reinterpret what might otherwise be traumatic experiences in order to use them for our highest evolution.

By the time the 1990s came along, which is when the majority of the world would have been starting to feel some sort of tickle from the Eighth Wave coming in, many of us early aligners were probably feeling several feet deep beneath the debris of our failed attempts to thrive as fish out of water for so many years; sound familiar? I’d had my own little flurry of feeling like I was (finally) getting into my Eighth Wave groove, as though life was getting softer and catching up with me where I was, but that was very quickly quashed. By the time the Spice Girls were singing about Girl Power, I was in recovery from having been raped the year before by someone I thought I knew and trusted and who (looking back) felt like an embodiment of the Sixth Wave come to drag me back into line by my hair, ramming me back into that terrible dark place hung all around with ideas of “good and evil” and suppressed femininity. Through the unfortunate events of one night, I was firmly put back in my place for even trying to thrive. By the way, when I told my ex-husband about what had happened to me, he closed ranks with the perpetrator; that is how strong the yang impulse of those earlier waves could be in the face of the eighth coming in, leaving those resonant with it feeling disempowered at their very core.

So that one single event – occurring at the exact half-way point of Calleman’s pre-wave of the Eighth (just when you would expect a backlash to occur…), has long played out like a bizarre metaphor in my evolutionary perspective (more on that in an earlier post here); as though an assertion of the yin was tipped back over into the yang and forced back into submission (temporarily), where it stayed licking its wounds for the next few years. That’s where I stayed, in my voluntary prison (a version of the kind of metal slavery that is so Sixth Wave), thinking I was now much too unworthy to expect any kind of fulfilment…until the next big breakout which came when my daughter was born in 1999; the exact point that the eight wave FINALLY came in.

Activation of the Ninth Wave – so what does that really mean for us?

So what happens when someone who has been waiting for the world to catch up with them for what feels like their whole life gets to experience that long-awaited day; do they party and shout “about time” at the top of their voice while dancing with all the people that are finally arriving at the door. No, when they have struggled and clawed and bled and exhausted themselves to get to that very moment, they collapse.

True to form, my health collapse got underway almost immediately the Eighth Wave came in, shortly after my daughter was born and, by 2001 I was already showing major signs. Four years later, I was a mess and it was as though I had to rebuild myself from the ground up from that point. Its that classic thing; like when someone has been under a huge amount of pressure at work and then they get to go on the long awaited holiday but catch the flu. This was flu with knobs on and it has taken me all the years in between to get to where I am now in my recovery.

The thing is, the arrival of a more feminine impulse was only ever going to be the stepping stone to something else and that is a point that so many people are still missing. To think we can replace an overly male-oriented world with an overly female-oriented world and everything will all be all right in an instance is a misunderstanding of the grandest order. Like when the very first signs of the pre-wave of the Eighth came in, during the Joan Collins years of the ‘80s, its very easy for people to tip over to the other extreme and make yin the new yang, like it’s the very same thing in a skirt and, in many ways, feminism has become more yang than yang itself. I noticed this straightaway, even as a young girl listening to my father mutter abuse at Toyah and Janet Street Porter on our TV set, and so I sat back almost too demoralised to watch the most aggressive feminist machinations play out over the 70s, 80s, 90s and beyond; wouldn’t even use that name for myself until the He For She campaign gave it some sort of spring clean.The Eighth Wave is also hardwired for inequality; merely dressed up in the new garbs of “economy” rather than social structure and I never felt more at a disadvantage than during those years of economic floundering compared to those who were figuring out how to play the new global, “dot-com”, game. No, the arrival of the eighth was no holy grail for me and many others and, at some level – where my health seemed to sit out most of the first decade of this century – I knew it was just an interim phase and was really just waiting for the Ninth Wave (or, the Big One) to arrive.

When it happened, I sure as anything felt it like the earth suddenly moved, although I hardly knew what it was at the time. As I have already described in my other review of The Nine Waves of Creation, there I was feeling lousy as ever, going for my regular therapies but otherwise doing very little in my daily routine when…suddenly, out of nowhere…I had this most compulsive urge to write a blog. By that point, I had become about as introverted as I could possibly be; about the only people I had seen in the last five years were my husband and our kids plus my physical therapist and a handful of random people when I was out walking my dog. I had never had so little desire to speak to anyone and I kept myself feeling safe by hiding away from the world. Then, one day in March 2011, I opened a WordPress account and called myself “Chasing the Light: (later changed, twice, to where it is now “Spinning the Light”; more about spirals later) and pressed “publish” on my first post on March 11th. This was so out of character that I was utterly UTTERLY shocked at myself. I remember feeling nauseous after that and every subsequent post, for months (though they were on pretty tame topics to start with), like back in my schooldays when I was forced to read out loud…but at some level I knew I HAD to and there was an excitement to it that I couldn’t explain.

All of a sudden I had all this material pouring out of me hinting at the possibility of seeing myself as already whole, healing across multi-dimensions, appreciating all the hidden gifts in our most traumatic experiences, ending the sense of separation from the divine and all about love, unity, oneness and THRIVING. I started to feel like I could see the WHOLE picture of everything clearly, like all the scales had suddenly fallen off my eyes. Then I started to meditate and I considered the idea of something divine existing beyond my human experience, which is something I had been in neutral about all my life until that point. People could SEE The difference in me; they started asking “wow, what happened to you?” from the look on my face. Where had all this come from? At the time, I had no idea. But according to Calleman, the Ninth Wave was activated on 9th March 2011 and was ALL about unity consciousness.

Within a few weeks of that, I had my very weird (to me, as I was then) experience on a London tube train; the one I have long referred to as a direct experience of unity consciousness (see my other post for more on that) and nothing was ever the same again. This was where I stopped regarding my health issues as a problem or myself as a victim and this is where I started to gain traction in my recovery and was – IMPORTANTLY – when I started to be able to conceive of ways that I could try and help others to head this route by helping them to make sense of their own experiences in ways that the old paradigm wasn’t offering. The writing urge that birthed in me on the day that wave arrived has been my primary instrument for doing that ever since.

So, how do I use this in my life and, especially, my healing process?

As more and more people start to oscillate to the more rapid day and night rhythms of the Eight or Ninth waves (depending on where they are at), we forerunners are the ones that hold steady during the Ninth’s night-time periods; not needing to plunge deeply or unconsciously into the flavour of our darkest history to replay what we can now leave behind. From my own experience, when the Ninth Wave “night” phase goes through its moves (9 days up and 9 down in the “day” phase, then 9 days descent and back up again in the “night” phase) each of these portions can have particular characteristics, in my experience.  Personally, I find the transition from “day” into “night” and even the “peaks” as well as the “troughs” often coincide with health challenges but especially during the “night” phase. In particular, there can be a tendency to play out aspects of what was so difficult about the transition periods between other, earlier, waves as the “night” periods comes online (when the Ninth Wave pulls back its influence). Many times, I have taken a deep-dive into what feel like cellular memories around “historic” themes, sometimes outside of the scope of this embodiment, during and especially around the middle of the “night” phase of the pattern, like I am remembering other lifetimes. I have had a great many echoes of the transition from the Fifth to the Sixth wave (around 3100 BCE) play out through my direct experience and I think a lot of people, women especially, are tuning into that same echo right now; you can see it in the support groups that pivot on the returning sacred feminine aspect, such as Sophie Bashford offers. For instance, these deep dives can bring up a lot of pain and blame, also elements of being in resistance to anything that symbolises the very forceful “civilizing” impulse that put-paid to our most direct and synergistic connection to Gaia and also to the divine when that severance from the feminine aspect originally happened. People can get all-nostalgic about something they think they remember from those original times and so angry about the intervening years; together, this can become pack behaviour, another indignant gang of people to join forces with (very Fifth Wave!) yet its utterly self-defeating to get into that mode. The thing is, not all aspects of civilization are as bad as we sometimes paint them; most of us would be lost without them now so there can be so much internal conflict bound up in a healing process that seeks to take us all the way back to those original experiences as though those times were “better” than now (and I imagine they were far less than ideal). The evolutionary impulse is not to go backwards; that was never in the design. What we are being called to remember during these deep-dive moments is that we get to choose which aspects of which waves we develop resonance with by placing our focus where we truly feel most aligned NOW, regardless of what other people around us are relating to. We don’t need to hold back our own evolution, out of false loyalty to a romanticised era that ended 5000 or 2000 or however many years ago, when we can take the very best features of that era and bring those forwards into our present day experience right HERE, along with the best parts of all the other waves we have access to. Now, that’s evolution!

The vast new opportunity awaiting us, when we pick and choose what to bring back from our night dives, is the gift of understanding that one wave no longer has to be at the expense of another and that we get to create a world that uses the very best elements of all these perspectives in ONE. We don’t have to get all tribal about it (that’s just more of the Fifth Wave) and we don’t have to get all religious (Sixth) or even prove our reasoning to anybody (Seventh). It doesn’t have to be at the expense of anyone either (Eighth) since its not all about getting Likes on Facebook or being a big economic success; this kind of thriving goes beyond all that. Finally, we get to be that ultimate creator of our own bliss in human form; but the trick is to follow what is best for us, in alignment with our highest blueprint (in other words, what feels good in the body; and this is when our particular skillset really comes into its own since we know how to listen to our bodies better than most people; perhaps we can show others how). We really don’t need to spend too long, or any time at all, deep diving into the past unless doing so meets those criteria. I’m getting quite adept at only taking those plunges for my own enjoyment, not for anything heavier and – I can tell you – it feels so much better. Once we realise we have full access to everything we need HERE, that what we most need will just come to us without having to seek it, we can stop going back to pick up all those pieces we left scattered behind in other frequencies. We were always meant to scatter them there, like a counterpoise to where we have now evolved to; but really, THIS is where its all at, where its expansive and WHOLE.

For those who are already attuned (and we will all be very soon), this new wave has our back and will allow us to thrive since we are already well-versed in its core preoccupation, which is unity consciousness at all levels of our experience, from the personal (hence the name of my blog – “Living Whole”) to the global. Like we are seeing on the political front, there is always a backlash as a new wave comes in….and WE have been seeing it play out in our health….but only for as long as it takes for us to get on board with the new impulse and ride that wave in the the most intentional, divinely inspired way possible, which is what knowing about these waves and how to work with them offers (I strongly recommend reading the book). The political arena can take care of itself but YOU have complete say-so over how YOU regard your own body and, as soon as you start seeing it as whole, as evolved, as road-ready for the new era, then that can start BEING your reality from this day on. No more ideas of broken or sick, its time to spiral onwards now; evolution will take care of the rest.

Related posts:

Consciously Creating With the Ninth Wave

Are we addicted to problem solving?

Going quantum

That place in the middle

On the crest of a wave


Posted in Books, Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Health & wellbeing, History, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness, Remembering | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 11 Comments

Consciously creating with the Ninth Wave

29767582How do you adequately convey to people “I consider this book to be extraordinarily important” without saying so in terms that are either too general or personal? In fact I consider it to be one of the most significant things I have ever read and not just from an academic point of view (though it is certainly that) but because it so closely validates and makes sense all of my own most bizarre, often most inexplicable or even (in some cases) irreconcilable experiences in a way that stands it apart from other paradigm-rewriting theories that are emerging. It is no exaggeration to describe it as the missing jigsaw piece to everything that I already knew or suspected (and had been noticing the patterns of for most of my life) and yet struggled to articulate or make fullest use of. In fact, the timing of the book’s release, at the end of 2016, feels like no coincidence since I believe we were always meant to reach this breakthrough level of conscious understanding at this most precise point in our evolution. This gift awaits for all the many other people who have yet to find and so benefit from Calleman’s extraordinary work and I hope my enthusiastic review will help them to find it!

As a passionate historian for much of my earlier life, I suddenly found myself (since 2011) compelled to dilute, question or disregard much of the learned history I thought I “knew”, in parallel with what has been the most astonishing period of personal-evolution and of “waking up” to a much bigger sense of what human existence is all about. What Calleman deals with in this book, imparting a fresh new over-view of human evolution, is consistent and coherent with everything that I have come to intuit over those recent years whilst stepping it up to another practical level for my logical mind to make use of.

In particular, he validates the growing intuition that I have suggesting that evolution occurs in very distinct waves that, in effect, download brand new holograms of understanding “all at once” at certain key times in our history. One of those transitions, occurring around 5000 years ago, has gradually emerged through my direct experience (in a way that Calleman’s theory about “waves” helps to explain) like a memory arising from my own cellular databank, played out through the convoluted circumstances of my life and the patterns of my health. The more I have opened up to this “new” approach to our shared history (it underpins my very deep fascination with the “lost” sacred feminine aspect and its sudden reemergence in very recent years), the more I have discovered that many of the answers I have long sought were within me (and everyone else) all along; as though coded into our very DNA, playing out as the current patterns of our health, our preoccupations and our ability (or not…) to thrive. We ARE the sum total of these waves and we are in a most unique position to merge them most beautifully…as ourselves.

Not only that but many of the patterns of these incoming waves “arriving” during my generation match (most closely and significantly) with the most significant milestones of my life. These include a very sudden change to how I was living, thinking, relating to others or to a sense of “the absolute”; all of which altered – most abruptly – at the very beginning of March 2011. In fact the date corresponds with the creation of my very first blog; a quite uncharacteristic venture into writing publicly (now a full-time occupation) since I was an extreme introvert who struggled to do anything outside of my comfort zone; and so I have often wondered what provoked such a dramatic change in my perspective after which nothing was ever quite the same again. It was as though I felt, quite suddenly, compelled to speak a truth about unity consciousness that was emerging in me so rapidly and inexplicably that I hardly knew where it was coming from and this has motivated all of my work ever since. This turnabout in my preoccupations, according to Calleman, occurred exactly when the Ninth Wave (a wave that is everything to do with unity consciousness) “came in” and I know that I certainly felt it arrive!

Moreover, that I was attuned to the Eighth Wave (its predecessor; you could say the wave that brought the feminine aspect or “yin” back into the out-of-balance reality of our world) from very early childhood became more apparent the deeper I got into this book, with my personal light-bulbs flashing iridescent at every turn (I don’t know when I have ever made so many personal notes whilst reading a book). Having shared the book with others in my circle, I am already hearing about synchronicities galore and I know this is a book that will speak to so many of our generation since we are the ones who are experiencing a time of not one or two but sometimes THREE different waves transitioning over the course of one lifetime whilst still dealing with the undercurrent of all the earlier ones. The gift of understanding this is that we get to fully appreciate the profound opportunities that await us now, personally and globally, as some of those earlier waves go into their period of least influence (their “night” period); hence the book’s extreme timeliness. We can already see the Ninth Wave playing out; its backlash clearly observable in our current politics – which is fascinating and so much less alarming to witness from the perspective that Calleman offers. Understanding the cosmic patterns that underlie world events means that we are far better placed to work with the incoming wave in ways that guarantee an outcome that will serve us all best, manifesting a world that is based upon an awareness that we are not separate at all.

So many others reading the book may find in it their own patterns of “not relating” to the world as it has been until now and of feeling they were already miles ahead of their own times, attuned to some other paradigm of existence which felt softer, more adaptable, loving and in balance than our old familiar reality. The good news is that the Ninth Wave is here now and that more and more of us are already in resonance with it so, when we get to know its patterns (and Calleman offers tools for assessing this), we can better establish whether the projects we put our energy into are aligned with its impulse, thus consciously welcoming it in, helping to make it manifest rather than circling around in the worn out patterns of an old hologram that we are rapidly growing out of. In this context, the book goes far beyond serving as “just” another interesting and validating new perspective upon the conundrums of our past and becomes, additionally, a handbook to navigating our way through our best and most transformative lives – both individually and en masse – during what promises to be the most daunting and yet potential-filled era of our evolution so far.


Experiencing the Ninth Wave

The above is the formal review that I have given to “The Nine Waves of Creation” on Goodreads and Amazon and yet I feel, in the context of the preoccupying material of this blog (to which this book is so relevant) that I want to add just a few more words.

Calleman’s theory matches and adds coherence to all of the deeply personal processing that I have done (the subject of my blogging for nigh on six years) in ways that are, at once, startling and compelling. In fact, as described, I was startled to learn that the Ninth Wave was activated on March 9th 2011 (two days before this blog was started on a completely knee-jerk impulse that I have never been able to adequately explain). Prior to that, the extreme introvert that I am had prevented me from doing anything so public, in fact writing to anyone outside my most trusted felt so raw and vulnerable and yet here I was opening a WordPress account and sharing my deep and innermosts with the world. Where did that impulse come from? Shortly afterwards, as I have described many times before, I had the milestone experience – one which I have always referred to in my writing as a direct experience of unity consciousness – which happened to me on a tube train in London and felt like my solar plexus lit up and spilled over the sides of whatever had been previously been holding me in so tightly (my visual was of a gold egg cracking open), lighting me up with the most unforgettable experience of unconditional love. It was a dazzling experience that altered my whole paradigm of existence in just a few moments – a kind of rebirth that turned a new light on inside of me. From then on, I started meditating, exploring the divine (not something I ever admitted to being interested in before) and, for the first time, began to gain forward traction in my health recovery using intuition and a holistic approach.

The correlations in my earlier life are also very startling, with the rhythms and key events following the 360 day pattern of the Eighth Wave over more than two decades of pre-wave, long before it was fully activated in  1999 (also a personal milestone year of vastly altered lifestyle and outlook). Currently, with the help of the Ninth Wave Calculator recommended by Calleman in his book (the Ninth oscillates at the considerably more rapid rate of 9 days up, 9 down during the “day” time periods before, as it were, swooping into the “night” time periods – a total of 18 + 18 days), I am able to back-sift through diaries and blogs to notice how my health dips and “darker” (earlier wave related) “inner work” have been lining up beautifully with the “night” periods of the Ninth Wave, and my somewhat more exhilarated, creative peaks with its days, for at least the last three to four years, showing me just how much in resonance I already am with what came in after 2011. I was so excited to find such degree of resonance at very personal levels (and visually too; since I have always been able to “see” time in the most visceral way that looks a lot like Calleman’s diagrams in the book) that I have been in contact with the author who was also startled at the degree of correlation between my experiences and his. In fact, I find I am able to make far better sense of events and relationships stretching back across the whole of my life, noticing how certain characters in my “story” were so strongly aligned with earlier waves that the way circumstances played off between us can be understood best as part of this evolutionary impulse that we are all co-creators of. Now we have access to all nine waves, we are each working out – through the choices, inner guidance system and external frictions of our lives – which waves we resonate with most and where we want to be heading; and, as we navigate thus, we help to steer the evolution of a whole planet.

This will all make so much more sense to you – and may become something you can observe the patterns of in your own life –  if you read this remarkable book, the gifts of which are still unfolding in my life. I am now back-reading Calleman’s other books, starting with “The Global Mind and the Rise of Civilization” (which is so closely related to my long-running preoccupation with yin and yang and the division/reunion of the human brain’s two hemispheres). Thus I expect to be referencing these various books in future posts and would love to hear from anyone else who can relate to them.

Since writing the above, I have been working with the Nine Waves in an extremely deep and practical way and have had some extraordinary results. For more on this, see my related post Using the Nine Waves to Heal Your Life.

About the author – biography of Carl Johan Calleman, PhD on Goodreads:

Carl Calleman earned his Ph.D. in Physical Biology from the University of Stockholm, where he was mentored by a Nobel Committee member.
In addition to being a Senior Environmental Researcher at The University of Washington, Seattle, he has served as a cancer expert for the World Health Organization. His articles have been quoted over 1500 times.
Calleman is recognized as the main proponent of the idea that the Mayan calendar reflects the evolution of consciousness. His three previous books on the subject include The Purposeful Universe (Inner Traditions, 2009), The Mayan Calendar and the Transformation of Consciousness (Inner Traditions, 2004), and Solving the Great Mystery of our Time (Garev, 2001).


Other related post – Are we addicted to problem solving?

Posted in Books, Consciousness & evolution, Cosmic events, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

When trees talk

img_1305There was one tree that my dog simply wasn’t going to let me go past yesterday. He ran off and just stood there by its side, refusing to come back, absolutely insisting I go out of my way to say “hello” to it. Well, I often stop to talk to my favourites  – typically oaks -and he knows the routine of stopping by them, yet I’d never been over to this one before in all my years of walking there so this was his choice, his unknown reasoning. When I got up close, I was surprised by the fact that its comically distorted outline, made up of knotty old burls like an old man’s nose, was sprouted all over with buds and new shoots; in fact the whole thing was alive with vivid new growth against the earthy backdrop of January’s colours.

There was an undeniable metaphor in this gnarly old lime or “linden” tree with its so-called deformities, an ugly tree you might even say; in spite of which every square inch of it was bursting with new life. Burls (of which this tree had several) are odd-shaped bulbous growths, often caused by illness or stress; though they are highly prized by artisans for the intricate beauty of their grain. This tree seemed to assert that, IMG_1296.jpgout of the most unlikely, distorted and tired-seeming old structures, some of the freshest new shoots often sprout. It’s as though all these shiny and bright new growths, asserting all the promise of regeneration, are super-propelled to come out through (and perhaps because of) the unappealing old structure that held them in potential; as though it is the thick-skinned distortion through which they have had to assert themselves that reinvigorated the organism’s fundamental ambition to thrive. From deep inside, all these tender new growths summons up all the necessary courage to show themselves en masse, in spite of the inclement season, and so the whole organism is renewed in exact proportion to what looked most unpromising with the eyes; as is often Nature’s way.

IMG_1302.jpgAs I leant against its trunk, feeling so grateful for the reminder, I suddenly noticed I was standing in the centre of a star. On every single side of me, well-worn animal tracks led to where I was standing; making it the apparent focal point of the whole acre of parkland during the subtler hours, though you would never guess it in the so-called reality of the stark light of day. These were paths I had crossed so many times on my walks yet, though I had seen them, I had merely stepped over them, never noticing their astonishing coherence before. Clearly one very powerful, wise and magnetic tree with something timely and important to remind me, my seeing all this anew made me wonder how much else we will start to notice about a new and more optimistic perspective that is ready to bud to the surface of our reality out of what looks like the least promising and distorted old growths of our past. The hidden beauty of a world ready to turn inside out would amaze us with what led out from the heart so perhaps we are ready to turn the wood of ourselves in our own hands and be amazed to witness our undeniable human intricacies… utterly transformed for all time.

Burl wood has been valued for hundreds of years; so much so that such trees are sometimes the target of thieves. It is the contorted, disfigured quality (measured by outwardly focussed aesthetics) that make this product of its inner growth so very beautiful as a turned piece of wood in the hands of an artisan.

Stress or illness (the tree’s metabolism hijacked by virus, fungus, or bacterium) makes for this distortion in the tree’s DNA; not unlike chronic illness in a human being or, you could equally say, a messed-up political system and yet, as I have celebrated many times, so much beauty comes out of these distortions, when looked at a whole different way, as the catalysts to brand new growth. Perhaps such trees are, in their way, the hardiest and most likely to regenerate when circumstances seem most dire, being used to such a paradigm and the need to adapt, pick up and keep going. Such a tree still functions in the same way as all the other trees and, in the long-term, so much beauty comes from them that they are the jewel in the crown of the craftsman; the most likely of any tree to be turned into objects that are treasured beyond the measure of all seasons or changes in the direction of the wind.

The linden tree is subject to so much folklore; a holy tree with a plethora of associations and ancient connotations (a dive into Google will tell you more than I possibly could; this is just the very-much abbreviated version on Wikipedia). There is also a herbal tea made from its flowers (one I have in my cupboard and feel this might be a reminder to drink); a natural way to calm the nervous system and full of antioxidants and quercetin, fantastic for alleviating allergies and supporting through illness. All those very qualities it stands as symbol to it imparts through its flowers; just as we all impart through the flower of our best creations the values we stand for, come what may.


Benefits of Linden Flower Tea – Livestrong


Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Life journey, Menu, metaphor, Personal Development, Symbolic journeys | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Here comes the yin…

screen-shot-2017-01-15-at-22-03-22When the charts reveal a very dramatic red-and-orange week of space weather up ahead, I usually know about it before its even happened but this time it wasn’t just me. A message from a friend in Germany asked, was I feeling this one more than usual; answer, most certainly, yes! Not just me but my whole family had been showing the signs.

In my case, I felt like I was what I call “flatlining” from about 5pm on Saturday all through Sunday. This means I had next to zero energy, tingles coursing through my face and body, couldn’t even get dressed or walk the dog and found even climbing the stairs utterly exhausting. Any loud noise, loud smell, hullabaloo – too much for my senses! I lost all interest in food or doing any of my usual things and just kept feeling like I wanted to close my eyes and sleep…only, as a parent, I couldn’t so I kept going as best I could, for hours…weakly, like my batteries were almost drained.Then I curled up into a ball on the sofa and was “gone” for two or three of hours and could have surrendered for longer if there weren’t things I had to do. While I was “in there” I was mostly conscious and yet not; like a half-place between life and death, I could think but I couldn’t seem to move my leaden body, even my heart seemed to be beating more faintly by the minute. It began to feel malevolent, like I might just slip away, so I reached for something I havent taken for a long time, D-ribose. As this most useable thus direct form of sugar hit my system, it felt like I was emerging from the depths and spluttering my first proper breath at the surface yet, for the rest of the day, I was still on seriously low battery, bearly functioning. By the following day, my body was in so much pain like the old days in my recovery. When the message came from my friend 600 miles away, it was almost a relief to know “its not just me then”, even though I’ve been here before.

Other typical themes of a yin wave coming in are a loss of the ability to think logically and of life-purpose in the rational terms that we are accustomed to use to measure and define this. My daughter – usually a wiz at maths – bewailed that she couldn’t do her homework, couldn’t seem to use her brain in the usual predictable way and my husband, who was having dizzy spells, got into a tailspin contemplating the point of his life and all the things he felt he hadn’t achieved in his career (all very lighthearted stuff for a sunday afternoon).  Even my dog didn’t raise his from his bed until forced to go for a walk at 4 in the afternoon. Then we all lost our appetite or any interest in sitting down for a scheduled meal (hunger, wanting more, is an extremely yang compunction) plus I was too weak to cook like I normally would at the weekends. When this kind of energy comes in, its like I’m forced to deep-dive into a living meditation; to pull back from the details and succumb to the current that wants to come and claim me so I ducked out of any ritual, conversation or drama and found myself going very quiet and “inner”, trusting all was well if I went with it. These waves are here to defibrillate us back into balance, to shock wave us into noticing that we have been all one way for too long…so they can seem to pull us very far on our piece of conventional elastic until we feel like we have nothing left of our old-structured life; all that is left is to dive into the fluidity and surrender utterly to the softness.

yin_yang-svgWhy does a solar flare constitute the arrival of more “yin” energy on the planet? Because when the sun provokes in such a direct way, the earth responds by rising up to its energy; those Kp-index charts we can track on the tesis and other spaceweather websites show the magnetic pulses that come from beneath our feet in response. This is Gaia talking and she rises up like an answering call to her counterpart the sun so that the middle…get to rebalance ourselves, to recalibrate in ways that are evolutionary for our species. These times are often when our personal or planetary imbalances become most stark; the volcanoes and seismic shifts, the anger releases, the political upsurges, the cancers, the breakdowns of structure in ways that seem shocking…these are the yin element imploding the yang “hardness” from within; breaking out from where she has been hiding very quietly, minding her manners, deep inside the structure of “yang” (think the white dot in the black half of the yin-yang symbol). When this happens, it is an evolution opportunity, the universal safety valve working on behalf of our planetary and personal equilibrium…and can be enhanced all the more when we acknowledge what is transpiring and work with it. This brings the opportunity for great healing, powerful world-altering recalibration and the closer harmony with nature that will enable us to thrive like never before, though the events that come up may seem terrible through purely human eyes. Instead of fighting this recalibration, we are being invited to work with the wave coming in.

So how do we meet this invitation in order to work with it? By softening, allowing flux, malleability, adaptability. By letting go of some hard structures, definitions, rigidity, timetables, demands, traditions and fixed ways of doing things, constructs we have outgrown. By selecting the more creative, fluid and uplifting tasks to focus upon; the kind that thrive in this softer energy, which can deliver staggering amounts of inspiration if we are open to receive it. By not getting caught up in stereotypes of what it means when you feel like ordinary life is imploding or like you are suddenly walking through treacle; this state of extreme overwhelm will only last as long as it needs to to get you looking at things a different way than through all those “old” definitions of what constitutes good and bad.

So we cope better by allowing these deep inner dives, regardless of time of day, other commitments or whether it feels “appropriate”. Matt Kahn (True Divine Nature) often talks about this kind of upgrade-energy; how he might be at the food store when he feels it coming and just has to drop everything and leave since he knows he has about half an hour to get home so he can surrender to the need to zone-out in a safe place. When it happens like this, its non-negotiable; I’ve spent at least the last 6 years doing exactly this whenever one of these waves comes in yet how many people can imagine living life this way, cancelling meetings with “sorry, I have to go, I’m receiving an upgrade”? The reality is, it might become increasingly necessary..for all of us…to at least acknowledge that there are times we are being asked to stop everything and just “be” because this is what it will take to put the brakes on a planet that has such a run-away feeling to its downwards momentum. The universal impulse is to thrive and we are all being dragged – whether voluntarily or kicking and screaming – towards enhanced consciousness so, when the mind resists, the body will often take over and insist we stop what we’re doing. We also cope better by keeping out of other people’s slip-streams, their dramas, their business and concerns; this is a time when we are forced to focus on the self, without the customary avoidance of all those inner domains that we don’t like to look (such as areas where we aren’t loving ourselves nearly enough…).Then, by trusting instinct and divine guidance, choosing to go direct to source (not through some sort of a middle-person, whether religion, teacher or other so-called authority) we start to receive the kind of information that really serves us most powerfully and perfectly in the navigation of our life.

During all this, we fuel all this rapid-fire evolution (not by ignoring the demands of the body but) by grazing; eating little and often, keeping nutritious food and plenty of water to hand to provide easy-energy and replenishment to the cells. Also, by getting out into nature, into a natural light source and by gently moving the body in ways that it can cope with, without force. The intensity will pass, we will feel suddenly uplifted – like after a flu or as though our entire system has been re-wired or upgraded – and life will go on, if somewhat more balanced than before. Looking back, we might notice we made sudden leaps in understanding or personal evolution during, or as a direct result of, those times we felt so supposedly “crashed”.

In short, these spaceweather events that feel like they come up through our biological system like a kundalini flame-thrower are the yin energy, mobilised. She’s coming in and she’s doing it so that even those who don’t normally choose to hear her can’t miss her arrival. This means that those of us who are already attuned, who are already well into the process, feel it most strongly, almost unbearably, like we will dissolve away through lack of the yang energy that gives us substance and makes us feel well in our bodies or our daily routines. Because, yes, we all need our yang…in balance with our yin and this is just one of those times when the universe has conspired to tilt the table to allow them both to meet in the middle somewhat more equally than before; so we all get to feel that tilt but hang on there, no need to fall off…its evolutionary , its desirable, it’s what we all signed up for. There’s a song I found myself humming to myself, tongue in cheek, this morning: “Here comes the yin, do-be-do-dah, here comes the yin…and I say, its alright!” Because it really is a song and a dance, a recalibration (neither asserting at the expense of the other), that’s happening and here’s envisioning that, pretty soon, we’ll start seeing smiles returning to all of our faces as we start to enjoy a whole new balance.

the-nine-waves-of-creation-9781591432777_lgIs the wave I keep talking about in these posts “real”, is it scientific, you might ask? Well, I’m just finishing reading a game-changing book by Dr. Carl Johan Calleman – “The Nine Waves of Creation” (this link includes an excerpt) – and am utterly blown away by it since it confirms everything I ever intuited about such evolutionary waves, including their timing. According to Calleman, our planet has been subjected to nine distinct waves of evolution at the quantum-hollographic level, the final of which was activated on March 9, 2011, the day I (suddenly, very unexpectedly) signed up for my WordPress account prior to publishing my first-ever blog post two days later! This uncharacteristic leap into the unknown struck me as bizarre even at the time since I had always kept my thoughts extremely private before this sudden urge to share all with the world and – 6 years on (with three blogs to my name and writing on these topics now a primary focus of my days) – I know this mode of expression is a vehicles of the Ninth Wave that I have chosen to drive forwards in a way that I could never have anticipated prior to 2011. No less have I been driving that same project forwards through the recalibration of my health (from where it once felt utterly fragmented along the lines of themes that Calleman plays with in his book…), which has been a true yin-and-yang journey towards realising a new level of wholeness.

So, what’s yours –  what are the projects that you have underway (probably started within the last five years) that are softening the hard-old realities of the world and bringing more unity consciousness into being? Because the Ninth is all about unity consciousness –  bringing back together the long-time dominant yang energy that has dominated our history and the yin aspect that started returning as a distinct wave from 1999 onwards (as we can see through the trend towards technology and social media plus the turn of world events since that time, to which recent politics are simply the backlash). It is bringing these two impulses harmoniously TOGETHER into a completion point that marks the upgrade of this planet into a whole new way of being; which has been a prevailing theme of my blog for some time. The synchronicity of many key milestones of my life with the stages that Calleman discusses are much too frequent and startling to ignore and I strongly recommend this book to anyone else who wants to delve into their own resonance with this incoming wave and ways that we can all contribute to making its arrival more conscious, easy and powerful to the benefit of the entire world. In fact, this book has very swiftly become one of the most significant I’ve ever read, transforming what I already sensed to “be so” into something that I feel far better equipped to navigate and understand.

Posted in Books, Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Menu, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness, Space weather | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment


It was a really intense night, one of those where you don’t feel like you’re sleeping all that deeply but then you keep taking deep dives; some of the deepest ever. One of my dreams, about the only one I could recall, was that I ‘d just been burgled; someone had been in my house and taken some important things and I was beside myself checking them off against some sort of inventory that wouldn’t come into focus to my eyes. They hadn’t ransacked the place, they’d come in kind-of stealthily and plucked what felt like such important things yet how could I check off what was missing when I wasnt even sure myself; like I hadn’t even noticed what I had until it was taken away. There was so much frustration to the dream; did I care about this stuff or didn’t I?

The day before had been so mammoth; a giant epiphany, perhaps the biggest of twelve years of trying to recover my health. I’d had a huge breakthrough in self-diagnosis via the incredible Anthony William, the Medical Medium and all of a sudden my scattered jigsaw was fitting together without gaps. In the wholeness of the picture, I find the promise of completion and yet…just for now…I’m treading softly, knowing there is much more recovery process to be done and that, in this moment, I need to honour the part of me that is in mourning on receiving the full understanding of all I have been through to date. Something had just been made solid which, whilst unlabeled, felt dreamlike and could be denied…by me and even by others; everything felt different somehow in its aftermath.

When I woke up from my second deep sleep, I felt done…so done and weary with it all, having so recently audited all I had been through with William’s help. Hearing all those complex and unravelling symptoms of my last decade, their seriousness, laid out like that in a list…that had been sobering, awe-striking, it could have buckled my knees if I had known what I was getting into at the time. The thing is, I didn’t; I had been cushioned in confusion for years but now…now I knew I needed that clarity, those edges, to lever me out into the light once and for all. In fact, I’d stood on a hilltop and declared my need for understanding and resolution to the skies less than a week ago; and now my answer had come boomeranging back…as this.

Knowing something can have such a powerful impact on the cells of the body…for positive or no; and I can feel my cells coming to terms with what they have just learned, can sense them reformatting and shifting a little confusedly where they meet, like a vast crowd of people, used to feeling their way in the dark, whose whole paradigm of reality just altered because the lights were switched on. I’m holding space for them to interpret what they know positively and calmly; am taking things gently and very mindfully today.

So what if what I have been through for years is its own version of my close friend’s determination to take what otherwise labels-up as a stage 3 cancer and dissolve away its definition, its expectations, to make it softer and infinitely more treatable? A big and growing part of me is becoming amazed at how much more INTACT I feel than I would have believed I could have been if you had told me all this was going to happen to me at its very beginning. If I’d been sat down by a doctor and given its name and its prognosis, its tidal wave would have hit me full on like a tsunami; instead, I find I’ve been surfing it with such surprising grace, like the perfect wave!

l61smgu3y7w-jeremy-bishopBecause I have had no label to give to what was going on with my health for so very long, I was able to swallow its bigness and swim through it even when I was bone-weary; drawing on a reserve of courage I never knew I had and never losing myself to expectations hung around its symptoms and what they supposedly meant. I went at it like a child, using my innate abilities, or as if I was the lone inhabitant of an island with no doctors to ask (since I had long since stopped asking) yet maybe this is what kept me going with such remarkable fortitude that people still sometimes fail to notice that there’s anything challenging me; in my real life, though I write about it, I don’t wear it around my neck. Its very-often the expectation of a certain outcome that “get us” in the end, as I’ve talked about many times before…and I had been forced to surrender all expectations but one; that I was always “whole” no matter what, never mind whatever else happened to me, and would take my life moment to moment, always searching for the gifts.

So I can let the frustrating dream of last night go since I notice how it really doesn’t matter what I think I may have lost or “had taken from me” in the “house” of a body that looks so intact that no one would ever believe its been burgled; perhaps that’s its saving grace since I still have a house to live in. If I can’t remember what those things were then none of them were important and I find myself standing here holding so very much more in this moment than I had at the start. As I see it, perhaps those things I used to have weren’t taken away but given so that I could make room for all the gifts that continue to flow into my life, day after day after day.

Read more about my milestone health breakthrough on Living Your Whole Life – Shingles without the rash?

Related posts – Allowing life to be soft & Surfing the wave

For your own personal health breakthrough, I heartily recommend Anthony William’s website In William I find the embodiment of all that my talks about left and right approaches to health recovery (and life) would have expected to happen next. We have relied completely upon an empirical approach to health for just so long, then using diagnosis to tell us what to expect, thus placing a hard shell around what we consider to be posible whilst exluding (to our detriment) all that we can’t yet know through our rational minds. William quantum leaps us to a  place of having access to information about health that we don’t have the empirical support for…yet…but which is providing startling answers to some of chronic health’s most resilient conundrums; a reminder that right-brained intuition has an equal part to play in all we think we know about our human reality, connecting many of the dots that our logical minds overlook. This, I believe, is where health (and science in general) need to head to rebalance our reality and jump-start us out of some of our most stuck places.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Health & wellbeing, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Surfing the wave

I’m going to talk today about the need to sometimes make things more solid…which sounds paradoxical given I wrote only yesterday about making things soft. And yet its a truism I’ve been noticing play out more and more often (and Matt Kahn talks about this a lot) that as soon as I get a grip on one construct of “the way things are”, I’m then forced to dismantle it before I have the chance to slip my shoes off and make myself cosy in there. Its like we have this old tendency to make each new hypothesis our next castle tower and yet our super-fast evolution now demands of us that we take those baby walls down long before they have the chance to form a stronghold we start defending (all over) again.

In my half sleep state today, I was working on the paradox (another one; this is going to be a powerful post) that all the challenges I have in my health are like stealth warriors that come in so soft, so fluid that they can’t even be pinned down or labelled before they have moved on to become something else entirely…which is the very nature of fibromyalgia and its close cousins. Never quite leaving enough of a footprint in the sand for doctors to gain a grip on what or why, these illnesses court the disparagement of naysayers who don’t even regard them as “real”. Devastating though they can be, these kinds of illness (which are getting ever more common and affect women more than men…) come in like a vapour through the window and, whilst they trigger off very real and severe symptoms, they move to another organ or tissue so rapidly that no sense can be made of them; they don’t even make you look unwell from the outside. They are harshness in a soft wrapper; so soft you can’t see it – what a package.

Then there are those other health challenges that garner all of our attention as a culture since their effects are more than visible. We have built up so much fear around this territory and the fact that our culture seems to have declared “war” on cancer is very interesting indeed in the context of what I am trying to share. I have a close friend who is working with her cancer diagnosis right now…in a whole new way…by making it soft and helping it to dissolve back into the light; which feels like exactly the right approach for cancer (to me) and I am in awe of the way she is transforming her own experience of it and thus for many others. Its yang energy (as is that aspect of cancer that starts as something intangible but which longs to express in form…) is the cellular equivalent of a fortress or an empire state gobbling up more and more territories to incorporate behind its stronghold. Softness is absolutely the way to go when seeking to find a new approach to healing this kind of entity; coaxing those walls down by feeling what lies soft and hurting behind those walls, longing to be included and brought out to the light. In such a scenario, not focusing on “what is going wrong” symptomatically is essential since there needs to be no extra bolstering of those brick walls, no further provocation by turning cancer into the hard-core enemy; rather, focusing on the transformation that is taking place, seeing the inner hurts, those aspects that have long felt ignored, and talking them down from their stance, persuading them out of their fortress to incorporate them back into the whole physical form.

Having a close friend going through all that when here I am with this least tangible of health circumstances has (in some sense) been a challenge in the way that challenge can so often provide the interface for our next biggest evolution; which is one of the many huge gifts of our friendship (and partnership as we bring new light to our diametrically opposite challenges). Initially, I felt like I was letting the side down to bring up how I was feeling (in horrendous pain!) when she is doing anything but talk about or make more of her physical challenges – especially when the invisibility of fibromyalgia always leaves you feeling like the hypochondriac – and so I found myself withdrawing for a few days until what I had going on had, hopefully, passed through. For almost a week now, I have been in immense pain, huge limitation in my body and there she is diligently keeping to all that is most uplifting about what is happening to her through all the weeks of her chemo; this dichotomy brought powerful new understanding to light through the vehicle of my mixed emotions and the light-bulb came on for me shortly after she had checked in to see how I was.

Suddenly, it was like I was holding the very raison d’etre for fibromyalgia-type illnesses in my hand and there was no surprise when I recognised in it the same old playground of yin and yang that has been my focus across literally every aspect of life these past few months. Because what I am dealing with in my own health feels like the exact polar opposite of what cancer is; being so fluid and flux as to be almost invisible, it demands of us that we take up the challenge of “seeing it” whatever way we can since it otherwise remains this relentless botheration in our life, tipping us over at will with not a word or a warning why. To even get a handle on recovery, I have had to seek to make solid what would otherwise remain stealth and this has forced me to “geek out” on my health in a way that has felt completely contrary to my impulse to be nothing if not soft and creative, shunning away the rational and the researched. Not only that but the sheer lack of research in this territory has forced me to recruit every left-brained skill I have in order to make sense of what has been happening to me, strapping together clues like a makeshift float with which to keep my head above water.  Like riding a powerful wave in the ocean, I have been forced to construct for myself the sturdiest of surf boards and to endlessly refine it and then learn how to float on it, to crouch, to stand up and then to RIDE those waves as elegantly as I can…in order to have a “normal” life and to THRIVE in spite of these relentless currents that come in and up-end me.

Where cancer is the expression of something eminently tangible (yang) yet which started as something soft (yin), possibly an emotion…not necessarily from this lifetime…that wasn’t being heard thus it walled itself off in separation, fibromyalgia is already the soft, the fluid, the elusive, the ethereal feminine aspect with its fingers in everything yet I have to assume there is something yang at its core, like a hard-core driving it on with such relentless energy. What is its pain, what motivates it to be so elusive, so stealthy, so darn hard to pin down or persuade to surrender? What still fuels it when you feel like you have done all the inner work? Yes, it ducks and dives between different aspects of human biology, morphs constantly, changes form like it absolutely doesn’t want to be seen, to be pinned down, labeled, diagnosed or named…yet its impact can be devastating, horrible, so intrusively “there” that everything has to be stopped for it. Even its denial of definition feels like a shunning of the very words (yang) that would seek to pin it down, to rationalise or make a construct of it. How can something that makes you feel this much like you’ve been hit by a juggernaut be so very hard to pin down and recover from?

So for me my very survival has always felt, instinctively, like I need to counter this elusiveness with more solidity, more definition; the trial and error territory of all my many years feeling out what it is through the exploration of the void – all the things that it is not – that it manifest as. If fibromyalgia is like the Invisible Man wreaking havoc through the “house” of my body then I have been stood there throwing bags of flour at it for the longest time, trying to get a good look at its face. This, I see, is why I have kept hard at trying to feel it out long after I felt all the frowning disapproval of some of my spiritual friends who (I suspect) would have me try to think it away with more uplifting, less physically focused thoughts; no, something demanded that I keep at this activity of feeling it out in the physical domain since it wouldnt be in there if it didnt want me to give it the expression that it was lacking in the third-dimensional realm, would it? Something in me knew I had to find its edges in the same way someone dealing with cancer needs to melt their tumour’s edges right away to let out what wants to become more expansive. This isn’t a third-dimensional entity seeking to be returned to the multi-dimensional; this is a multi-dimensional aspect seeking to find its most comfortable place in 3D!

So I was brought to a juncture in my understanding and it begged the question, wouldn’t I do better to do what my friend is doing and to go in tenderly to enquire of fibromyalgia “what is it that makes you long to hide though you clearly want to be here doing what you do, seeking some kind of fly-by-night, hard-to-pin-down, ever altering expression? What would reassure you enough to make you want to be here in a less destructive, self-defeating way?” In an instant, I saw me in that description…wanting so much to be seen, to be heard, to express, to be known by others, to make friendships, etc etc and yet constantly shying away from anything that looks too much like structure or form, commitment, fame, timetables, definition, public appearance (the list goes on) in a way that is utterly self-defeating. I am like the little wren that I associate myself so closely with; she sings brighter, louder and more intricately than any other bird and yet she is just so tiny and brown (by intention) that she disappears into the garden, the most elusive and hard to pin down of them all; the consequence of which she is hardly there at all and most people don’t realise it is her that is singing!

In this I find – yet again – the feminine aspect and notice that she is hurting in proportion to her how invisible, unexpressed and unrepresented she is in the world. Why does she hide; perhaps because she finds the world as it is much too solid, too abrasive, for her liking, being used to all the flux and fluid of pure expression without any hard edges required. Perhaps she is working to drag the yang closer to her yin and create an interface that is much more evenly balanced in its partnership. This zone of interface between the yin and the yang has long been the point where we birthed and rebirthed our world into being, the evolutionary touch-down point of all we have created as a species thus far (and we all contain that same interface within ourselves, generating all of our own evolutions) and yet…my feeling is…she has never quite got used to expressing through the physical. The birth into solid form remains problematic for some very fundamental aspect of the feminine impulse and she’s still hurting deep inside (thus inside me) from so many failed experiments that left her feeling used and abused in the process. When that can be reconciled (no less the case for the yang; who carries his own pain) we find healing of some of our most prevalent health challenges as a species; and this is what people like us are busy working on, in a whole new way, from the inside out rather than the outside in.

As I feel into this more without using too many of the words that might frighten her off, fibromylagia feels like one giant expression of source, in its least embodied state, dragged by her hair into physicality, thus seeking some sort of interface with which to merge so that it can be known just a little in the three dimensional domain she’s been brought into…and yet she can’t quite find the right tools with which to express to her own exacting terms. She knows no “right” or “wrong” (which are human constructs) and so she uses whatever comes to hand in a way that I suspect is typical of the synesthete, where one sensory interface is just as good as another – and all utterly interchangeable – when it comes to experiencing and expressing what might otherwise remain extra-sensory. The dramatic and variable, extremely physical, sensory experiences that result – which can be nothing like what we expect in the physical domain – are deeply alarming and discordant to human existence. Offering more softness can pacify this urge for expression for a while (thus I can find peace for the hours upon hours that I paint or meditate) yet, in the end, these activities alone just feed her growing urge for even more tangible form; thus she uses my biology to give herself more edges. These episodes usually force even more expression to the surface of me…through writing about all the abstract ideas that my pain episodes generate into blogs…yet there can be a backlash as the words often feel too constraining, too much like an attempt to define or fence in what I sense I know about this thing or any other. She contracts if I dive too deeply into the writing, the word play and definition and so I am sent back to the drawing board again, time agter time. I suddenly see how this long-running interplay of yin and yang through the twin interfaces of my creativity and health has been the playground of my biggest ever evolution; a plea to rebalance through myself what is so out of balance in our world in general.

So how do I give her expression that unleashes but doesn’t daunt her (since she is currently going about it her own way and making us both pretty miserable)? Instead of cells and nerves to bash around with, I give her even more opportunity for creativity but also…I suspect…she needs some sort of form, some structure, a little more shape to play with than I have offered so far. She needs the kind of yang that allows her to be more of what she already is, like a cup or vessel within which she can be held in order to be even more of herself, through which she can express even more of her otherwise intangible essence (the strings that play to her notes), so that she doesn’t need body tissue as her primary interface any more. This slots perfectly with where my instincts have been taking me; towards introducing increased structure to my working day, more commitment, much more preparedness to intermingle with other people (yes, making actual time arrangements to see people in the flesh, something I have been avoiding) and playing with more technical or had-on versions of expression. With a smile, I notice how these are all things I have already lined up for my year: I’ve started a photography course, have a sculpture one-to-one scheduled, have taken up piano lessons and am making all sorts of arrangements to meet people, from all over the world, that I have only know “virtually” so far. While all of these things are pushing my limits in ways that feel daunting, none of them are taking me deeply out of my comfort zone and I can see how they are necessary. For so long, I’ve allowed my days to be absolute flux, to pick up paintbrushes on a whim, not committing to anything except the impulses of my art, keeping all my plans open-ended, protecting that fluidity in a way that was becoming its own deathly fortress, locking me away from life. Time to build a creative structure to my life…a supportive, open vessel that cups my creativity…enouraging my yin aspect to come out of hiding in ways that feel uncompromising to the divine that longs to be expressed and which leave the all-important vehicle of my body intact.


While pondering this topic, I brain-stormed a list of yin and yang qualities (and the many bridges in between them) as expressed in the familiar three-dimensional world we all know since they can remain such abstract concepts otherwise. I feel it is worth jotting that list down here…in its all inclusive version, including their many meeting points, since some of the items I mention (which include food, for instance) may seem bizarre…but not when you incorporate them into a health perspective. Seen like this, I can now appreciate how keeping the yin and yang aspects in perpetual balance has been the key to my recovery, pursued through changed to diet and lifestyle long before I saw them in such black and white terms.

I should add that neither of these columns is being presented here as “wrong” or “less than” since they both contain valid and evolutionary components of human experience (the yang aspect has been absolutely key to our evolution). Also (while I personify fibromyalgia as a “she” in this post and the yin is related to the female, the yang to the male), neither of these columns relate to gender since we all contain aspects of both (in varying ratios). Knowing that, it is worth considering that we are all, innately, seeking some sort of equilibrium between these factors and when we don’t achieve such balance in a conscious way, our health so-often takes over to seek redress to any imbalance by expressing this – very obviously – through the cells. This underlies my longstanding belief that illness is not something “bad” that we fall victim to but, rather, an inbuilt early warning system to point out to us when we are off-kilter so that we can get ourselves back into balance. It is a profound and powerful opportunity to heal at a much deeper than the cellular level so that life beyond recovery can become a whole new integrated and harmonious thing…a healing that is ripe to spill out into our world in general.



Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Health & wellbeing, Life choices, Menu, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Allowing life to be soft

As I step into this awkward phase that is the post-Christmas period, I’ve realised how my biggest challenge yet is not to dive in or run at the gate of the new year but to allow life to be soft.

Year after year, I’ve played through some version of trying to make structure out of this most-amorphous time of the year. Even though it can present some of my biggest health challenges ever, I’ve worked at making sense of what’s going on with my body, to come up with plans or hypotheses of recovery to see me through. Even when my body feels crashed-out exhausted and in pain before I even start my day (and I notice I am not the only one to feel incredibly tired this week) I tend towards forcing myself to “do” things, berate myself for not “doing” enough or fail to notice all that I “do” achieve in a day, which is a surprising lot (yet this shouldn’t matter since the part of me that even measures this needs to be decommissioned to get on board with the kind of softness that I am talking about). What I’m being invited – repeatedly –  to allow is that the way I do things might have to be softer, more fluid, than at other times of the year for me to survive it (perhaps in proportion to how hard it is…a true yin and yang formation…rather than greeting hardness with more of the same); and that’s perfectly alright. As other family members struggle to get started with their busy year, I’m inviting them to look at it a whole new way and allow a new softness to dictate what gets done while not pushing and forcing through what their mind thinks “has” to be done; to allow softer currents to assert and carry them with more ease. Its yet another example of the yin and the yang renegotiating a new arrangement with each other; not a case of either one or the other asserting but both together, in unspoken collaboration. We innately know how to do this…just as soon as we surrender to it and get out of our fears around letting go!

Very good things have come out of all the previous years’ “projects” to recover myself through the hard months – these have been the big learning times of reclaiming my health – yet that was then and eras move on. I sense we are entering a different phase, en masse, where we get to capitalise on all we have deduced but will go further now if we allow ourselves to ride a softer, more intuitive, current. In my own case (the micro of the macro), I have to concede, there’s nowhere else for that rationalised project of recovery to go now, really; I’m well-versed in what to do to make me feel as comfortable as I can in the circumstance of winter’s hardness, knowing my body as I do and how sensitive I am to everything. There’s a sting in winter’s tail and the sun is still extremely active, for all we are tipping into solar minimum…and I feel it all run through me, yo-yoing sugar levels before I’ve done a thing with my day. One of the most potent gifts to come out of relentless health challenges has been the recognition that this has all been one giant invitation to love myself  and when things get especially challenging, to quote Matt Kahn, I see how this is yet another reminder that, at times of struggle, “I deserve more love, not less”. This, in itself…with no further requirement for definition or an action plan…is all the healing antidote I really need to see me through and is the ultimate soft wave “coming in”.

caqv_lxm_iw-ryan-moreno-2And we are all subject to continuous waves of energy “coming in” to our biological reality, whether we make this conscious or not. Incredibly strong energies are pulsing our planet from within and without yet I can’t profess to know what they’re about – not really; yet I can assume they are for my highest evolution, they’re changing me whether I resist or try to make sense of them or just lie down on the lilo of them and float along the stream. In fact, I suspect I would get much more out of them if I stopped the pretence at having a say in how they impact me or assuming they are in conflict with what I really want. The fact that they lay me flat every year at this time seems like a very large clue; just lie down and float and we’ll take you where you need to be going, they seem to keep saying, yet that know-it-all part of me has kept asserting it knows better as it tries to press the over-ride button or get a handle on the outcome. When something already feels unrelenting and then we make it harder still with our resistance to it, how can the conflict that this gives rise to seem like the right thing to do? All the clues are in our body…we feel the abrasion, the exhaustion, the sheer ache of resistance, like walking through treacle or forever climbing hills.

When life feels hard, like a struggle, brittle to its edges, its routines a grind, our insistence upon taking hold of it, upon taking its reins and steering it, can drive it harder still, like a runaway carriage on a bumpy road headed for a cliff-edge. When we strive so relentlessly to make sense of something, to define it, conquer it and insist upon knowing what it wants of us, we make it into all those things we think it might be, manifesting what our minds conjure up (which is always as limited as our previous experiences). Its the particle and the wave of quantum theory; when we see a circumstance in any particular way, that’s what we manifest yet when we just allow it to pass through us – though we might not get to see it or define it – it remains the wave and it carries us through to unexpected outcomes.

So, when our bodies cleave so completely that we just have to lie down, to slow down, to STOP then its “yield and be soft” that we are being invited to consider. All of these things feel better almost the moment we succumb to them; and out of them I detect a whole other layer of possibility taking shape. This is not a surrender into doing nothing but, rather, a surrender into doing something…quite new!


So, lying awake in January’s morning gloom stressing about what we have to do today and how to do it when we feel drained and unmotivated; what’s the point in that? Or in panicking that we feel exhausted before we’ve even started our year; worried that there might be something wrong with us, that there’s something urgent we need to repair or attend to, not a moment to loose on some deadline, our head full of “what if”s and worst-case scenario-ing ourselves to oblivion; all a complete waste of time and very likely to manifest the very situations we are dreading. When we succumb to the universe’s rhythms and allow that, at this time of the year (perhaps now more than ever), our bodies are asking to go somewhat more slowly we are not – actually – giving in to our worst fears, allowing hell to break loose or free-falling into chaos.

Rather, we are showing some compassion to that part of ourselves that longs for softness and flux, allowing our most creative aspect to show itself over the parapet. When we allow ourselves to wake up half an hour later, to put down our work in the evenings, to SLEEP a lot, to take time out or away from our desk, to put off to another day what isn’t absolutely necessary for us to do now, to avoid too much structure, whip-cracking or goal-setting and just focus on what is in this moment…one moment at a time; recognising that hardness or tension whenever it comes up and choosing to let it go soft and limpid through the focus of our attention to it, we birth a completely new feeling. This new impulse is absolutely tangible as it is received by our ever-welcoming cells, which LOVE this kind of softness and drink it up like an elixir of life. It flowers up in us like a bloom opening in the first warmth of springtime and its gentle wave absorbs all the overwhelm, the pessimism and the feeling of drowning, becoming a sea of potential..all new potential that takes us somewhere we haven’t ever been before. All things will get done…that are meant to get done…and those that aren’t will be reabsorbed into the fabric of a new life, one that feels kinder and more aligned. This is HOW we receive the new wave that is coming in and, in its own way, it will achieve so much more than our rational get-to-it brains could ever have strategised into being. Its a quantum wave in action – taking us with it on one very huge quantum leap.

End note:

The topic of this post is yet another expression of a vast new wave that I sense coming in; one that is less about any kind of hard definition than anything we have become accustomed to in our old lives; including our concepts of “right and wrong” or anything to do with our conventional measures of time or achievement. What I achieve these days is something I’m prepared to take the longer view on rather than perpetuating the clock-watching version and my defined sense of “this is an OK way to be” and “that, therefore, isn’t” is dissolving a little more each day. I’ve never been more prepared to accept that there is no “wrong” and that I don’t have to be “right” about anything; something which has allowed me to reinterpret everything in a softer way, even pain. I’m prepared to drop all the hard definitions about how my body feels whilst listening to it more (one of those interesting paradoxes that garner your attention); so if it feels really resistant to a situation, I’m prepared to say that those feelings come first over any external situation that is trying to assert itself. I’m finding that the phrase “no, I don’t want to” is a useful ally and “yes, but not right now” is a close second. I’m prepared to assess each day, first, with my intuition and cream from the top of its tasks those that feel most aligned with where I happen to be; knowing (and trusting) they will all get done in perfect timing. Im succumbing to a preparedness to be led by the softness that is coming in rather than keep asserting myself – and losing out – to the perpetual battle with its stronger currents. I suppose you could say I’m relenting to the sense that there is something all-knowing that knows somewhat more about what is going on than me; that it has it all in hand and my best-interests at heart so I can get out of my own way – at last – and just take the ride. There’s such relief in that…knowing it will always carry me forwards and that I don’t always have to use my own weary legs!


A brilliant article by Kelly Brogan MD that I chanced upon yesterday feels closely related to this topic, exploring  this new trend of not having to know or be right; I strongly recommend it if you are open to softening your perspectives some more.

Making Peace With Pain” – Matt Kahn, The Great Awakening Retreat; this audio is right on topic (and, no surprise, it started playing spontaneously on my iPod just as I was finishing this post). Part of over 11 hours of audio from this particularly potent retreat, the 30 minute topic about reinventing your experience of pain was so powerful the first time  I heard it and perfectly timed today. To paraphrase Matt, we don’t like pain because pain really hurts, it REALLY hurts; but we don’t have to experience it on its terms, which is to shut the door on it and put everything we’ve got into holding that door shut…and remarkable thing start to happen when we modify that reception.



Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, Health & wellbeing, Life choices, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Seeing the world

Its a classic time of year for me to be adding a load of eye-catching nature pictures to my newsfeed following long winter walks. To those of my friends who don’t live in my part of the world, or even a similar climate (and there are several), it may seem as though I live in a completely DIFFERENT world, but I don’t…not really.

I started doing an online photography course yesterday and I loved it when the teacher described how she saw a feather hanging off a branch in a pubic garden and pounced on it with her camera. Her friend said to her “How did you SEE that?” and she replied “How did you NOT?” I’m just the same and, like her, I would have then spent the  next half hour angling different shots at this feather while my friend scuffed her feet around wondering when we were going for some lunch – I do that to my family all the time – but its not that I’m trying to force the beauty out of a subject. Its already there…its everywhere, its just a case of being receptive to it, to really see it, to notice it wherever it presents itself.

It strikes me that its a simple case of offering to Gaia what I would ask the world to give to me; to be seen and appreciated for all the effort I’m putting in to being creative and delivering of my best, day after day. Our planet just keeps delivering and delivering, no less do I, no less do all of us…and all she is quietly asking is “see me, honour me…notice what I do, don’t take me for granted”.

Its a small but important thing to be mindful of as we turn the corner into yet another year (and all too easy to assume its going to be just “more of the same”). Perhaps this will be a year when we receive the full bounty of what is due to us for all that we are, all the gifts we bring, all the light we shine on the world…in proportion to how much we dole it out to others. A fundamental longing to “be seen” and acknowledged is such a huge thing to every human heart that appreciation is the universal healing balm that could very well change the world.

In the meantime, here’s a selection of some of the pictures I’ve taken in the last couple of days; be astonished, it’s all Gaia’s own work! You can see these and even more over on Flickr.



Posted in Art, Life journey, Menu, Nature, Personal Development, Photography, Seasons, Walks | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Doe, A Deer, A Female Deer: The Spirit of Mother Christmas

This post is such a beautiful and fitting end to my year and just so on-season with the Winter Solstice that has been the highlight of this festive month, having reignited a deep subconscious (life-long) relationship I had been having with Elen of the Ways. Who is Elen? She is the mother-goddess archetype of these isles and many others; deeply and intrinsically associated with woodland and the deer.


My work in progress…

After discovering Elen on a trip to Wales (see my post Journey with Elen: Finding my way) and diving into everything I could find about her, I started writing a long post about her earlier this year yet never published it because it just began to feel way too personal…weaving the factual in and out of my own life story and numerous gravitations towards Elen-like themes, from being born so close to Sherwood Forest that I spent years daydreaming I was Maid Marion living under the greenwood tree to the (far too) many synchronicities of place, interest and…yes…even name, spanning almost five decades. Elen is all about meaningful pathways and unearthing all this internal and external information last summer, when I researched her thoroughly, felt like shining a light on one of the most meaningful ones of my own life. Since discovering Elen, I have joined a facebook community of others who have found her and its fascinating to witness the sense of reunion and deep personal understanding emerging through the vehicle of her (like we are finding her deep in our own psyche…) as each person dives deep into the rich culture-pot and associations, the recollections of another era – an era when the feminine was revered and regarded as crucial to our survival – centred around her.

And right at that centre of that circle around her stands the doe…a subject I recently started painting on a whim, yes with a bird perched in her antlers (a typical addition, as referred to in the following article, though I hardly know what made me add the detail…). Suffice to say, if you’re drawn to this topic of deer and goddesses, do read this wonderful, seasonal, article (I am so grateful to Danielle Prohom Olson for articulating what I didn’t know how to without making it too complex…) and dive deep into one of the books about Elen – I recommend ‘Finding Elen: A Quest for Elen of the Ways’ by Caroline Wise, it was an absolute epiphany for me!


reindeergather-001Oh wondrous headed doe… Amongst its horns it carries the light of the blessed sun…” Hungarian Christmas Folk Song

Long before Santa charioted his flying steeds across our mythical skies, it was the female reindeer who drew the sleigh of the sun goddess at winter solstice. Today it is her beloved image that adorns Christmas cards and Yule decorations – not Rudolph. Because unlike the male reindeer who sheds his antlers in winter, it is the larger and stronger doe, who retains her horns. And it is she who leads the herds in winter.


It was when we “Christianized” the pagan traditions of winter, that the white bearded man i.e. “Father Christmas” was born. And so today we no longer remember the “Deer Mother” who once flew through winter’s longest darkest night with the life-giving light of the sun in her horns.

deer-crade-of-starlight-by-art-of-sekhmet Cradle of Starlight by Art of Sekhmet


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Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, Leylines, Life journey, Menu, Nature, Personal Development, Spirituality, Symbolic journeys | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The yin-yang garden

This is all the same winter garden as experienced during a period of less than three hours, first in day and then in night. Notice how the deep dark velvets and jewel tones sing out mostly in the daytime, the dark spaces drawing you in; how the pinpricks of light take over by night, the lights drawing you irresistably out towards them. In fact, going from one to the other in quick succession is like looking at the same photo seen in negative.

Notice, also, how the unexpected blossom (really, there’s blossom coming out already!) shines out all the more against winter’s canvas for being so unexpected against its slate-skied woodiness. How the hardly noticed feature of a moongate (a circular opening from one part of the garden into another) comes newly into its own when backlit by lanterns in the indigo of a darkest December evening so that stepping through it is like suddenly discovering the moon a cosmic portal and the universe a brick garden wall. Yes, the garden of a winter’s day can be so very magical dressed up in all its pearls of glistening moisture and its ruby-red berries but then, in its darkest persona, that garden becomes most magical of all, defying all spacial logic to make all things seem possible, reinventing all that you thought that you ‘knew’ with your eyes not so long ago…

In the week of the Winter Solstice, the very tipping point of dark into light, the contrasting performances of this garden could not have felt more apt; a delightful surprise on this year’s visit to West Green. You can see the entire collection of photos in my Flickr album, the Yin & Yang Garden.



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