From reacting to working together: healing relationships inside and out

Is Ayurveda like a master set of keys to understanding (and so working with) the relationship crisis that is – often – to be found going on inside of ourselves (all the way down to the cells) and in the world at large? Are they one and the same crisis and is the solution more simple than we ever thought? In this post, I explore the Ayurvedic doshas and how they relate to each other inside the human being and in the far wider field of human relationships. I propose that the matter of coming into balance could be as simple as getting these three doshas into the working relationship with each other that they were always intended to have.

As well as this post, there are several other exploratory articles about Ayurveda in the series including A thing about mornings,  Vata-dosha and electrosensitivityWanting to land: working with vata doshaGrounded: a healing journey working with the principles of Ayurveda and Getting to know your dosha.

You can continue reading From reacting to working together: healing relationships inside and out below:

Living whole

I know, I know, I keep coming back to Ayurveda but its like finding a master set of keys to all the doors. I’ve been noticing how the three fundamental dosha types (those three constitutions that people can be loosely grouped into, according to Ayurveda) apply to all things, from lifestyle choices and social behaviours, to all those emotional, physical and energetic traits that profoundly impact our wellbeing.

In particular, I’ve been noticing how the doshas rub along together in their relationships (inside and out) and these are some of the astonishingly consistent observations I’ve been making. The scope of this topic is relative to all levels of human existence, from the cellular right up to the political and beyond; which is how core the material feels and how universal the trends I am noticing seem to be, making them relevant and useful across all aspects of human existence.

Vata-Pitta-Kapha.jpgFirst to…

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Lining up with the eclipse

While the Eighth Wave has been in its “day” phase this year, I’ve found myself all at sea, unable to settle to anything very much, like a butterfly caught in a wind. My gaze has been inwardly focussed or, actually, so outwardly focused that it has been expanded unfathomably wide…to where it has been near impossible for me to settle on the particulars of human existence (thank goodness I don’t have a “proper” job) or the practical concerns of life. I’ve not produced any work…at all…which I (for once; and with a real sense of curiosity) have allowed to happen and I’ve found it increasingly difficult to conjure the right words, labels or constructs to make it sound like I think straight, by left-brained criteria (for, to do that, we need to employ common vernacular and I lack this to a large degree); and so I talk to those few people who “get me” and I write in this space. Yet it’s not been a sign of nothing going on…but of everything going on, all at once; too much for me to attempt to convey. Even my blog-posts have dwindled lately. Through every sensory interface at my disposal, I’ve been receiving so much and its been intense…yet I’ve let it come, surrendering to it, without pushing it away or trying to control or define it; even interpret it. In some way I can’t easily explain, its felt like I’ve been finding my sea-legs; learning how to let go of the shore (and the oars…) and be out there where all sign of the edge has disappeared and I know not what I am or what I am here to do, really, any more…but am just observing, allowing, feeling into a new rhythm of life. All of my ingrained beliefs about myself and this world have been shaken more profoundly than ever before during this phase to the point it has veered towards feeling like an existential crisis…and yet…there has been such a sense of knowing all was well.

Screen-Shot-2017-08-04-at-8.22.40-AMBut I’ve also sensed this phase drawing to a close very soon and intuited that it would be around the pivot point of the forthcoming total eclipse, when the 66th period of the Ninth Wave tips into a “night” and the Eighth Wave does likewise the following day. When the Eighth does this, I sense that we will initially feel (according to whatever level we are tuned into its influence) like all the candles have been blown out and we are left alone in a pitch dark cave to the sound of a storm rolling in. But then, we get to strike the match of ourselves, those of us who have been busy atuning to the Ninth Wave and its rhythms…and we get to see our space light up again with the many-flames of all those who are doing likewise, now far easier to spot in the dark, like fireflies dancing in the night. Even if we feel out at sea, we will find that it’s as though we have now learned the ropes…and how to adjust our sails according to this new wind (and have got to know its super-rapid undulations like a rhythm pulsing at our core; a second nature that we have made our own) and it will get us through whatever rough water presents until the Eighth Wave reaches it day-phase once again, in September 2018.

If you have yet to glean the significance of the eclipse line-up with the Eighth and Ninth waves, and the coming phase in relation to world events, then I recommend Carl Calleman’s own post The Ninth Wave of Creation and the Solar Eclipse, which explains it fully. The Ninth Wave Calculator can be used daily to keep track of the current position.

For my own part, I intend to spend the eclipse in a place that feels very personally auspicious (and which I arranged long before I had read Carl’s books or knew anything, or at least with my left-brain, about the Nine Waves). I will be linked up with others in a small working group, one of whom will be watching the eclipse with her own eyes. Synchronicity set up this event for me more beautifully than I could have orchestrated it for myself; which is a classic sign of the Ninth Wave at work!

Related posts:

Consciously creating with Ninth Wave

Are you tuning into the Ninth Wave?

Using the Nine Waves to heal your life

Six months in – working more effectively with the ninth wave


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All my spaces are love

The phrase came into my mind when, for just a moment, I allowed it be soft on waking with a chock full of over-busy, over-anxious, over-pessimistic thoughts. It came in like a healing balm and arrested me for the difference it brought into my previously over-stimulated mind and it was then that I realised I had been tipping my balance from right to left hemisphere again; my yin and yang had got badly off centre in the space of just a few short days.

For a week, I had been geeking out like my life depended on it, “tackling” ever more complicated health issues with every intellectual approach I had. Even while I was writing blogs about honeyed walls, my mind was doing overtime around the “subject” of me. How had my balance got so tipped over that I was waking feeling leaden even before the joy of breathing in the new day came flooding in? Oh yes, I remembered…the masculine is territorial, it is the stuff of empires. Include it, allow it into the mix…yes (as I always say)…but give it too much rope to run with and it will claim whole new territories, thrusting inward and gobbling up what lies well over the middle line; it will even take over and negate all the rest. I had to smile. The push-pull aspect of yin and yang is the stuff of a children’s playground; for what the yang will take the yin will gladly keep giving…even though we may lay depleted in the middle of their play-off (don’t a lot of us know that for sure). And I’d been talking about that “middle” place being a honeyed space yet mine felt like sour milk this morning.

Devotion 2.jpgSomething had come to me, one of those oh-so simplistic lightbulb revelations, late the night before when I was watching a short video on Bhakti Yoga; the yoga of devotion (the video is Women of Bhakti and I recommend it). As these women talked so affectingly of their love for God, I realised something I had been missing thus far. I had been regarding “void” as just that…voidness; as in, empty. Blank. Nothingness. I had been missing, entirely, that void is really “love“. Really, it is. I mean, I felt I knew it with my mind before then…I gave it plenty of lip-service…but I wasn’t feeling it. Hearing them speak of love for God was the first time it really settled inside of me like the butterfly that would never quite land; and now it had. This most elusive love, it was everywhere since it is in all the spaces. Once you get that, the feeling is this most tremendous thing; like the light you see switched on in the faces of holy people. It’s when you realise the infrastructure for this to happen universally is already there, like the wiring in a house before the wires get connected to the electricity grid. We all have these spaces installed ready; in fact they make up more of us than do our physical cells and they are all, already, full of love just waiting to be noticed or “switched on”.

Once I allowed that all my spaces were actually filled with love, not voidness, emptiness or nothingness, it was as if a seismic shift happened in a quantum moment. For in allowing that my voidness was overflowing with this deep unconditional love…for me…I could finally get the point. No, I could feel the point; of everything. The pointlessness and effort that “empty void” seemed to suggest (always requiring that I strive so much, that I work so hard, to fill all the spaces with my choices…which is as much of an oximoron as the idea of “working at art”)  was replaced by the absolute point of everything, most of all me. And its all there already there, no need to do anything.

In a micro video-show of my life flitting through my mind, I saw at once how I had internalized the belief that I had no point, was taking up space without purpose or meaning, that I was surplus to requirements, that I was not really wanted or made-room for, that I offered nothing new or useful to the world, even that I “took up valuable space” that could be used by another being (its a long story how I internalised this; a particular family dynamic, one many people would probably recognise). As a child too young to understand, I had made this into the concrete belief system that suggested I could not be sustained by this life, that I was not loved enough “to feed” with all that makes life a thriving thing. That this defunct belief has now reached the point where I find multiple food intollerances have reduced my diet down to next to nothing, so few food choices that I am finding it incredibly hard to sustain myself, is hardly (in this light) a surprise. This “not thriving” business had been the subject of my endless intellectual seeking for the past week; my left-brain had taken over the desperate matter of why this was happening and what to do next but was really spiralling into too much contradictory information and a state of overwhelm. It was missing the point since it can’t reach that point without the help of its opposite aspect to correct its aim. Because, all the time, the answer lay inside me, between the yin and the yang; in a voidness or neutrality that I was getting all wrong, believing it to be cold and uncaring, impasssive and heartless. For that neutrality is really the unconditional love that loves every inch of me and which supports me absolutely in so far as I believe that I am worth sustaining (that part is really down to me). The love is always there, overflowing.

All my spaces are love…the phrase feels so key that I find I want to write it on the air with my finger. Small adjustment but what a difference than this idea I nurtured that all my spaces were void, like one of those blank canvases I no longer seem able to paint upon…yet, when I perceive what is already there, wanting to be expressed, even before dipping my brush; those are always the best canvases of all. When we change the feeling around a circumstances, especially one as pivotal as this, it alters absolutely everything. I find I can allow things to be softer now; as I must, to hold the balance that allows the love-light to shine through. And those words “my spaces are all love”…those have become my mantra of healing; they help me to perceive its truth everywhere I look. I intend to devote myself to this practice.

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Walls of honey

In my last blog, I shared a story about the two thousand-year old fortress walls that I noticed were alive with loudly humming bees flitting in and out of a small hole in the mortar; how I took this as a sign of hope. It became, for me, a metaphor made manifest of how something built to be hard, rigid and intractable had been broken open by something small, soft, honeyed…and it was like imagining egg yoke running over from the edges of the most surprising kind of shell, broken open before my very eyes. It encompassed the feeling of the kind of surprise we are set to experience as our world…the world we think we know so very well, that many of us have become so jaded and derogatory about…breaks open to reveal an inner softness; its own honeyed centre waiting to pour out like the sustenance we are all waiting for.

In that same post I began to feel out a new ending to this evolutionary journey of ours (thus far, at least since I can’t believe the process of evolution ever ends as such); one where the ninth wave into which we have just entered looks less like the hemispherical split that we have become accustomed to since the sixth wave partitioned our brains (and no less, our global mind) into two very distinct halves. What if, instead of another “flip” so that the left hemisphere now becomes the feminine and the right becomes the masculine, this new wave looks more like a pattern of many many many (countless) hemispherical relationships (a word I prefer to “partition”) consisting of both yin and yang, all happening at once…like a very rapidly oscillating frequency that keeps us from either entrenchment or drowning?

What do I mean by entrenchment or drowning? Well, it might be a gross simplification but the left hemisphere can feel a lot like a load of busy-bodies building walls, structures, corridors and filing cabinets…all of them seeking to make life hard, structured, logical, organised and systematic, not to mention guarded and territorial (so, yes, entrenchment within a fixed belief system is the perpetual risk of such a paradigm). Conversely, the right hemisphere can sometimes feel like a sea of chaos, like an indecipherable abstract painting or a load of hippies not really knowing where they are going (I told you this was a gross generalisation but you get my point through these exagerated characatures).

One can feel utterly rooted in the specific and the physical, the other “let loose” in a spiritual vastness that knows no bounds. Again, you get the point I am trying to make.

So, what if a vastly oscillating state of experiencing both of these, side by side (virtually simultaneously), is our next evolutionary state…one that oscillates at such a high frequency that it maintains us in a version of physical form that is just the other side of not being physical at all. In other words, we maintain a state that is very close to “source” (which is the void where no yin-yang exists any more; before such a choice has been made) yet we are just physical enough to know what it is to live in three-dimensionally, so that we get to reap all the considerable benefits of doing that, experiencing it. And we get to duck in and out of more or less form at will; without either loosing ourselves or becoming entrenched. How great would that be?

Of course, since we have free will then, generally a preference would be expressed in each moment as to whether we preferred a more yin than yang or yang than yin approach. A slightly off-centre arrangement is perfectly “normal” in even the most well-balanced brain when tested for hemispherical leaning…but what I am talking about here is that this gets to become a very fluid state of affairs, one that alters all the time instead of fixing into a life-long persoanlity trait as we tend to think of it. This would be  something like a needle in a compass that is suddenly able to register its “north” more to east than the west (or vice versa) depending on the circumstance or its preference in that moment and  changing all the time, rather than having a permanently fixed point. Maybe this kind of needle shift is happening within individuals more and more now; no longer requiring a whole lifetime in which to be one way or the other. For my own part, I know my personal “compass needle” started shifting about ten years ago and it has tended to find no permanent home ever since (and I think I can speak for many of my friends in saying the same – my post Like a bee from a jar touches on this topic) – so is this evolutionary? I suspect it is. Such a state of affairs allows a great deal more to be found in common between us all than a state where we become entrenched in one viewpoint at the expense of another. When we have seen things from many different angles all in one lifetime (and can accept they are all relative to an I Am presence at our core) we become much more accepting of other people’s viewpoints; we can see more easily through their eyes and it has the effect of softening things when we engage. When we become “all one way” we only manage to sustain the appearance of harmony for as long as everyone is in total agreement (or forced to be so…) but how often does that happen and is it healthy? Our history tells us that it is not and this is at the root of every conflict we have ever experienced as a species.

In a world that has broken open so completely as ours, via the internet, was a future consisting of a global mind split neatly into hemispheres ever going to happen anyway or was that compartmentalised era of our existence always destined to come to an end with the ninth wave? We have become shards of light and dark, everything we are splintered and showered inextricably across every surface of us so that nothing is kept hidden any longer. No amount of control could ever put back into pristine order all that has been released and tipped out of all the corners; it could never be swept up and put back into the box. We have, each of us, “outed” ourselves by coming to know and consider things about who we are that were unthinkable to us a decade or more ago, just as surely as all manner of variables relating to gender and sexual preference, political flavour and so on has been tipped out of the global box, all to be explored freely and stirred into a vast soup of experience, consideration and experimentation over the last two decades (most of all, in the last five or six years since the ninth wave got started). Looked at in the most positive way, this is exactly what needed to happen in order for us to split into a zillion-zillion tiny hemispherical oscillations so that we now super-rapidly flip from this pole position to that, sometimes all in one week, one month, one day, even all in one minute or second…for this is how rapidly we are now all firing on all cylinders and it gives us for less time in which to become so entrenched that we fail to see the point of view of another being. Our opinions and our standpoints are becoming as flux and rapid-firing as a higher frequency electrical current and will only get faster still as we move into some sort of new plane of existence; one that we have never before experienced as physical beings. Our next evolutionary burst could never have been as simplistic as the west hemisphere of the planet becoming more like east used to be, politically speaking, and the east more like the west when they were dominant…or those of us (me included) who were once so left-brained giving it all up to become an artist (as I did…but now I’m not so sure again…) and artists embracing computer technology to become oh-so geeky (though these dramatic shifts across hemispherical boundaries are certainly part of it). We are becoming utterly mercurial…and it is evolutionary!

SilchesterThis whole stream of thought fluttered into life when I studied this floor: the mosaic pattern from a pre-Christian temple that lies beneath the ground near where I walk, with its alternate black and white corners; two of them more black than white, the other two more white than black yet, at a glance, they are similar enough to work together as one. That could be us…or at least where we are headed. Perhaps it is where we have been before…or maybe those ancient folk held it up as some sort of future ideal. When we are in one of thoses lower corner; say we are spiritual but we express that spirituality as “religion” with a great deal of structure and ritual (a sort-of left brained spirituality) we can surely perceive things in common with the next guy in the next lower quarter who is spiritual in a way that involves simply being out in nature, finding the sacred in a leaf. One is more yang than yin, the other more yin than yang…yet they fit comfortably enough side by side.

The same again when it comes to science. When we are the kind of scientist who wants to heal others with every fibre of our being but prefers to do so through well honed tests and diagnosis based on scientific precedent then we are not so dissimilar to the herbal healer who seeks answers in nature and vibration since our aim is just the same. Indeed, if we were but open enough to have that conversation, we would find that many of the health variables that we take into account are remarkably similar. We could…if we were open to it…work together, side by side, perceiving the value in what each of us offers; concede that where one method brings back an obscure result, the other might help fill the gap. Again, we have a teamwork in the making – a true vision of the direction medical approaches could be allowed to go (if we could but get that initial dialogue going…and some people are). You see what I am saying?

Yet, ironically these two areas…spirituality and health…where partnership seems so very obvious are often areas where the most entrenchment exists. Religious institutions close their doors and their minds to other spiritual approaches that share a very obvious basis to their own; or those who are spiritual yet without religion think “death to the church” is the necessary answer to their own spiritual vision that knows no doctrine. Walls are firmly built around medical science by certain entities (traditionalist schools of medical training, the pharmaceutical industry…) and herbal or energetic practices are kept firmly on the other side of that high fortress wall. Meanwhile some herbalists and “alternative healers” refuse to go where medical science has cornered its patch, or to have anything to do with conventional medical doctors and their science, so they miss out on the considerably benefits of an integrative scientific approach (I have been recently led to admit to such a resistance in myself…and to soften that stance so that I can enjoy the best of both world). What if we could allow for there to be some empirical structure to our medical approach…but that it also be allowed to flow with all the honey of those alternative methods? Or that where there is already all the honey of innate understanding overflowing (direct spiritual understanding, natural healing knowledge..), a little practice and well-chosen structure invited into that could be like the honeycomb is to the beehive? As ever, bees have a great deal to teach us.

This model of both structure and softness could be applied over and over and over again…in our politics, out financial markets, the ways that we elect to get involved (or not…) in world situations outside our immediate range or say-so. It could be brought into our schooling systems to great benefit, into the way that we raise our kids with a mixture of supportive parameters combined with love and friendship plus enough room for exploration to occur (looking back, I see that is exactly what I did!) Honeyed walls make for – ironically – stronger walls; isn’t that interesting? Yet there is a truth in that which can be felt with an affirmative from our very cells as we say it out loud; for it is a truth known at a very deep level by our own bodies.

For at the very core of every single atom of our body there is a void; we are more void than we are solid (I spoke about this recently in my post Absolute healing) This “voidness” does not make us weak, it makes us stronger since it allows us to be adaptable in each moment. It allows us to choose whether we want to go this way or that at the quantum level, without becoming hard and brittle in our belief that “this is the way it is”. Once we have made such a decision, we start to defend it or fight for our lives as though it is true..which only makes us more vulnerable. When we are adaptable in each moment, we bend like a stick in the wind…and it keeps us upright for the longest time. It keeps all options fully open.

Say your diagnosis comes in and, before you have even got your head around it, someone says “do you have cancer?” (or it could be, say, a particular thyroid condition such as hypothyroidism, which is something I am currently entertaining in my own health). What do you say to them? The real answer is “I do and I don’t”…since both are equally true. When we do this, our higher aspect steps in to hold that position of “bothness” for us, or until such time as we are ready to hold it for ourselves and decide on our next chosen step. It buys us time before we become entrenched by a label; for once we start telling that story of ourselves, we start to make it more solid. By the way, if we deny we have this condition, even when we have received physical clues that we do, we also entrench ourselves…into a sort of denial of “what is”; a sort of push back against one thing with its opposite, which is a war of sorts. We need to entertain what is going on in our physical reality to even get a foot hold on the choices that we need to make next…either physically or quantumly (denial is no way to start this process). None of this is about making any particular situation “wrong”, it is simply about facing what is whilst holding space for a reality where there are more choices available to you than your physical reality has full knowledge of…which may take a moment for you to get adjusted to when you are swallowing news that contracts you into temporary alarm.

Remember, we all have cancer in our bodies all the time without it being fatal; and our body vacillates wildly between hyper and hypo states without us even realising; in other words, no health condition is ever as cut and dry as we tell ourselves. Only when this thing becomes an entrenched position or a story we keep telling about ourselves does it become life threatening and this is where our belief systems come into it; the domain where intention creates reality. When a situation becomes a “one plus one” (this is a phrase I have used consistently throughout my health journey; a typical one plus one could be that I am in awful physical pain and then some outside stimulant adds to my toxic load) we need something to tip that balance back in our favour. Say our one plus one consisted of two halves of a circle, both coloured in white, the third aspect, our highest aspect, is able to offer a black to keep things in harmony. This is our inbuilt safety mechanism; the third aspect that over-rides the “stuckness” of the binary system that sometimes only seems capable of offering two matching counters (black + black, white + white) which tips our balance. In other words, we get to triangulate ourselves out of a stuck point over and over again, using this method of calling on our third aspect; our highest selves.

This system works just fine…as long as we are on good working terms with our highest aspect; but, for a good portion of our evolution, we have been all but cut-off from it. This  is the holy trinity and it brings into our limited binary physicality this third point of view. It makes the triangle, it keeps the balance, keeps the piece, makes a spiral out of the circle, allows a stuck situation to “work” and keeps us moving forwards…and when we reclaim that aspect as our navigation point, this earth-based binary system morphs into something else entirely. It graduates to become a system that is able to widely and rapidly oscillate between all the blacks and whites of our circumstances in very quick succession without entrenching in either this situation or that one. What makes a situation stick, what makes it fixed and semi-permanant (for nothing is ever fully permanent)? Our thoughts build fortresses and our repeat behaviours entrench. That most infinitely adaptable aspect of us – our highest aspect, the quantum factor in the equation – is often kept well out of reach or we deny it altogether. Now is the time to bring it back on board so that we get to upgrade the way we operate as physical beings.

So, when we receive that same diagnosis – a scientific diagnosis (“white”, since it originates from the masculine aspect, the left brain) and we take the news as meaning we have a proven, indisputable health condition along with all that entails (“white” again; we now believe the diagnosis because science holds all the answers, doesn’t it…) we now have white + white  = entrenchment in a whole belief system residing in the left side of the brain. We now believe we must tackle our circumstance as this defacto physical reality, leaving no room for alternative circumstances to arise, so we make it thus with our thoughts. Our reality just became fully left-brained so we put all our focus on acquiring the physical tools we believe we need…chemo, pills, maybe an operation…to get our fight for survival (“fight” being a classically left-brained word) underway. Once entrenched in that particular belief system, if the prognosis provided by left-brained means is “bad”, we take that as read and pretty-much lose all hope there and then, creating that reality as the “inevitable” outcome; which it now is since we believe in it fully.

However, when we receive a scientific diagnosis where the given prognosis is not favourable (“white” = masculine) but we keep the opposite aspect on board (“black” = the feminine aspect; leaving space for anything to be possible, even the most surprising of ourcomes) we hold balance, keeping our options open and entertaining other healing modalities from outside the scientific model. We allow that the power of thought really is a super-power driven by us PLUS we can bring in the turbo boost of our highest aspect in support of the aspect that needs its supports, tipping the binary equation in our favour (in this case – white + black + black; this proxy feminine aspect being supplied by our highest aspect on our request) which is how we get to direct outcomes with intention. When we believe that alternate outcomes are still posible, we allow our prognosis to remain flux. In other words, walls of honey are made manifest…for though our predicament may seem as hard and “final” as a solid brick wall as the doctor delivers the news, we allow that our circumstances are not yet fixed and that we still have a part to play. Indeed, those same circumstances could be over-running with honeyed light, on the inside, so that what “seems” to be so hard really hides a gift meant just for us. Spontaneous remission is birthed from this place.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASuch “honeyed walls” can be perceived in a myriad circumstances (they are already here, all around us…) and we navigate toward them with our intention; by holding the potential for black and white, left and right, east and west to coexist side by side, over and over again in more varied and diverse formations than we could ever imagine with our minds. In fact, we are being constantly reminded of this potential in every single moment of our crazy, over-busy, taxing, chaotic and seemingly meaningless existences…until we start to notice how the pattern is literally everywhere, not least within ourselves. Like that black and white mosaic floor, its patterns can be found in all our corners. When we stop being so entrenched in our ideas and allow that it is those very things that seem the hardest that hold the most potential to break open into honeyed softness, we bring this potential into being as our living reality, creating and experiencing a whole world on such a basis (finding honey everywhere). For the ninth wave is the age of the individual, so all our evolutions start with self, perhaps at the miniscule point of relationship that occurs between the two hemispheres of every atom and every cell of our physical expression; it occurs in our thoughts, our attitudes, our lifestyle choices…and this thing that we do when we model healthy partnership of masculine and feminine aspects in our individual lives spirals out into our overal wellbeing and so the wellbeing of the entire world.

Such a world allows for great diversity to coexist side-by-side without harm to any living being; allows for us all to be who we fully are without being perceived to let anybody down or held responsible for bringing great structures crashing to a halt because we followed our heart (nobody should have to carry that much weight on their heart). We gain access to many more flavours and colours and textures of experience, all in one lifetime. We get to know what it feels like to be both the water and the river bank, all at once; that is, the one that holds the other so that it may flow but also that which gets to softly sculpt the sides of the very structure that holds it. We get to know the gifts of both giving and receiving; many many many times over. We get to be the one experiencing all of these things, simultaneously…and not even once but at each individual choice point of the entire physical organism that we are as a human being, right down to the minute choices made at the point of the formation of our cells. This is how healing gets to become super-rapid too; for when we know that we can alter the trajectory of a cell in the nano-second that it takes to flip hemispheres on demand, our bodies get to become the super-responsive, adaptable, self-healing tools of experience that they were always meant to be. And when we get the knack of this at the cellular level, we get to do it as a planet – think of that. More honey than wall or more wall than honey – all at the flip of a switch and capable of being flipped again just a moment later; it sounds like a bizarre and really rather asbtract concept of our future but then how do we imagine where we have never been. The only way to know it is to go there…


Related postLiving from the centre

The ninth wave refers to our current wave of evolution as described in The Nine Waves of Creation: Quantum Physics, Holographic Evolution and the Desitiny of Humanity  – Carl Johan Calleman, PhD. For more of my writing on this topic, search this blog using the term “nine waves”.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Health & wellbeing, Life choices, Menu, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness, Spirituality, Symbolic journeys | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Living from the centre

There is a place that I go…that I’ve worked with…for well over a decade now; you could call it my spiritual hub, somewhere I walk to process things through, even when I don’t know that I’m processing them or needing to work anything out. It doesn’t really matter to my readers where the place is; it could be anywhere and you probably have one similar of your own, somewhere that draws you to it, repeatedly, though you hardly know why. Long before I came to understand how I work with this particular landscape, as an externalised “model” of some inner landscape that I am also walking through, I came to this place and found a special solace from being there, like it helped me unravel parts of myself that might otherwise have remained in a tangle. Through my feet, its features helped me untangle and make simpler what was otherwise unfathomably complex; layer upon layer, through many years’ walks that became littered with symbolism, adding a richness of association that was built upon each time I went there (which was often).

This particular place is in the shape of a circle and it is also a very ancient place…with Roman walls that are, in my mind, the relatively modern addition to something much more antique beneath its surface. To some eyes, it is no more than a farmer’s field with a few crumbling remains of a two thousand year-old metropolis that was abandoned in the fifth century; yet, to my senses, its nature-reclaimed appearance is just the surface layer of an energetic reality that I seem to tune into via another dimension.

Long before I knew it with my mind, I felt the draw of its centre as though there was a particular holy spot there…and, it turns out, there is; though I found my confirmation of that much later, several years into walking there. History books tout it as one of the earliest Christian sites in Northern Europe and yet…the tiny Christian church that has been unearthed to the side of a far grander basilica has intrigued more than one renegade historian enough to cause them to speculate, was this really the temple of some Eastern cult, something that predates the Christian model that a whole lot of assumption has caused it to be so-conveniently slotted into for so long. For, though its 13 x 9 metre shape suggests similarities with a couple of early Christian churches elsewhere, it remains relatively unusal in that there are features that suggest a pagan connection and which baffle historians and suggest earlier dates of construction. There is a particularly interesting black and white tiled floor which I will come back to later. On my own intuition, this building felt like the later addition to something going on in that spot much earlier than those bricks were built around it; as though its sacred activity found its match in some eastern philosophy that, perhaps, roaming legionnaires brought some flavour of to this green patch of rural England, giving it shape as a union temple of sorts. I knew somehow that what lies forgotten beneath the soil of a Roman town long-ago reclaimed by nature was really something extending much deeper into that ground than anything that substrata could ever offer up to an archaeologist’s trowel…something that must be felt with the senses, tuned into as though dialling into a long-forgotten radio station.

Which is what I suspect I did even before I was open to doing very much “dialling”…long ago…finding some kind of home in this place and walking its circle…round and around and around…for many years. In all weathers, all seasons, with people and alone, so many walks; all of them delivering answers of a sort and me hardly knowing why or how. Quietly but assuredly, it became “my place”; the one to which I would always go to sort through my “stuff”.

Then I began to notice how the walk around its walls (really embankments with tumbling flint walls holding them in) seemed to split into two distinct halves in the way that they present as two quite-different experiences to the senses. There is the semi-circular South walk, from the East to the West “gate”; and there is the quite-different semi-circular North walk from the West to the East (always, for me, started from that Eastern side…the non-official entry to this English Heritage site, which tries to guide all its visitors from the western side). In the “old days” I tended to walk the whole circle and then…gradually…I found I had my favourite or, at least, would know quite distinctly whether I wanted to do this side or that, the whole circle or just part of it (and this would come as an intuition that really didn’t want to be argued with on each and every visit).

Summer solstice 12.jpgBecause the South walk feels distinctly “yin” or feminine in flavour and the North distinctly “yang” or male; there are really no other words that fit so well. On the “yin side”, the view is expansive, the feeling of it “free” as you get to choose high or low, broad or narrow, undulating up and down like a snake-path or to do it all on one level…all according your choice and without any rules. There are abundant wildflowers growing in every crevice, blowing in the warm southerly winds. Then there are woods alongside half of it (a quarter of the circle), with seasonal water to be found at their bottom, fed by a cascade that comes from some natural source in the field above and which tumbles over a water-eroded section of the wall when there has been enough rainfall to keep it flowing. In springtime, thick bluebells dance in its watery shade and its tree-tunnel path offers up all the mysteries of dancing light and shade, the setting sun through the trees’ branches, a cool respite from the heat of the day and a sacred darkness lit by pinpricks of sky at nightfall. I’ve sighted the red flash of many deer through those branches. There is frequent birdsong and much scuffling of furtive animal life in the undergrowth. Once, I met a surprisingly large snake who startled me by coming out from beneath the roots of a gnarled old tree just an inch from my next intended step (the only living snake I’ve ever seen at large in this country). There are two ancient yew OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAtrees (stood like Mother and Grandmother) gripping on to life with quite unshakable determination, their finger-like roots clinging like fists of iron to the crumbling edges of the brick-and-earth bank to form overhanging roofs over natural stone altars that have formed like a series of ledges in the weather-eroded flint walls beneath. There is a natural seat in the wall, just before the woods cover over the path, where I like to meditate to the sound of bees in the clover and with about the best view in England (to my eyes), a timeless view, spread before me. Just the other week, we noticed how those bees are now inhabiting the wall; and I liked to imagine how once intractable fortress walls had been hollowed out and made softly habitable, spewing golden honey, like an egg broken open (this seemed to tell me something important about the times in which we live; about the return of the feminine). Oh yes, there is magic and mystery on this side of the circle and it is oh-so sacred-feminine in its impulses and application; like a mystery tour into the female aspect, made manifest as a path along a living route for the three-dimensional senses to get to experience in ways that they might otherwise miss.

Then there is the North walk…with its single-path route (no choices here); a high path, overlooking houses with neat lawns and vegetable plots, gazebos and kids’ trampolines, the close proximity of the road with the sounds of cars and occasional horse hooves. The “official” car and coach park can be found here, there is a clearly visible line of electricity pylons cutting the view, there are farms with their bleating and neying stock of animals grazing, the chug and grind of freight trains on the nearby railway line; so many signs of civilised life, organised life, material life. The winds here can be quite keen; Northerly, sharp, like a cleanse or catharsis, they cut through you and expose you bare in the cooler months or a windy day, whipping you with ice like a facial exfoliant and stirring you up like the contents of a washing machine when it rains. Then there are the remains of an amphitheatre; entertainment of sorts…with a sting in its tail (they found so many horses remains here; you can imagine the rest…) with the Victorian nicety of a bright red postbox situated by its entrance. Then, of course, there is the church; that familiar symbol of organised religion, with its well-tended gravestones, another carpark, the sound of an organ on Sundays, signs for tea and cake, flowers in jam-jars, park benches, village life. All the trappings of nice well-ordered human existence can be found on this “masculine” side and it feels quite different; and though I still like it a lot, it is not my favourite side.

There was a sort of determination, a doggedness in me (sometimes) to walk the whole circle, whether I wanted to or not…like I must be fair or committed to “wholeness” in the face of my own impulses. Sometimes (when I made it too cerebral) the choice “which way to go” would seem leaden, like getting it wrong came with consequences. The better walks were invariably when I learned to listen to intuition and be adaptable at the last possible moment after reaching the junction, with no fixed plan; and sometimes it was a surprise which way I went and led to wonderful experiences that could never have been planned.

Then, increasingly, this last year or so, I found I favoured the “yin” walk; would do just that one and then cut straight up the middle of the circle…only it is not really the middle since the permissive track that bisect the circle (so telling that…) has been taken off-centre in favour of the northern “masculine” half, guiding you relentlessly towards the steeple of the church (which is also so telling of the trajectory humanity has been on for so very long…). The true centre of the circle (where the ancient temple once stood…) lies just south of the track, enclosed inside a farmer’s field; you can get close but not quite stand on top of it – and isn’t that the way its been for this recent long era of history? Even before I knew about the existence of a temple, I was drawn to this spot and would always halt my walking pace there to gaze…at what, that oak tree, the view? Whatever it was that I was tuning into, I found I always had to stop here. Then I learned about the site of the temple (“church” as they call it on the Roman street plans) and, one time, got closer when they opened the site for visitors during an archaeological dig. I was interested (of course I was) to hear all about the basilica that they were working on but really all my senses were keyed to feel into the spot where the “church” had once been though it was no longer an open dig-site. It had somehow become the centre of my interest; it seemed to open me up to this location in a whole new way to dial in to what it was there for and those for whom it had been so important. Then (this experience is almost too bizarre to share, but I will) I went for some sessions with a sound healer who used crystal bowls to repair DNA. Her treatment room was a small building in her garden and she was just a few miles from this place where I walk; so I would stop there on the way home and just sit beneath the tree in the spot where the two hemispheres meet, just a few degrees past the modern church, next to the hardly visible stream that comes from the centre of the circle and flows under the road  near the carpark (how many people even notice that water flowing from the circle’s centre?) Something very compelling made me go home and check something out after one of those treatment sessions and a meditation in that spot; and I discovered that the treatment room lined up exactly with the latitude coordinates of the position of the temple on the archaeology plans of the site. When I told my healer, though she was not familiar with the place or its history, she started to weep like she knew its significance across all the layers of so-called linear time and multi-dimension without really understanding why. For me, it felt like an important synchronicity, a predestined alignment that brought me back to myself and the centre of my own healing process; all the answers relating to which, of course, remained just waiting to be accessed in the quantum void to be found at the core of my very own cells.

19136745978_f1f7e6afa9_oBy now, I tended to prefer to park away from the church carpark and start my walks where I have described, at the point by an oak tree and the hidden stream, which feels like where the two hemispheres of the circle meet. Somehow this felt much more aligned as a central start-point than the modern church. At the end of the walk, we would sit beneath the oak and, in midsummer, would notice how this spot aligned with that other oak close to the temple in the centre of the circle and how the setting sun would set right behind that tree from this position, lighting it up in a blaze of fire. This felt like the “true line” between the circle’s two hemispheres (in replacement of the permissive path leading to the church), bisecting the circle into equal parts made up of yin and yang; a hemispherical division line like the split between the two side of the brain. It felt important to have realised this, like some sort of outward manifestation of the hemispherical division that I had become so conscious of on the inside myself; subject of so much of my writing here. Inwards and outwards, it was as though I was working to regenerate the working partnership between these two sides, to find ways to soften their relationship and help them to work more holistically together (this was even before I read Dr Calleman’s books about the hemispherical division of the planet and how this reflects…and corresponds with…the same division in the global mind). It seems I had found some sort of metaphysical playground in which to enact my own internal vision quest and these walks were playing some sort of deeply intrinsic part in it, like I was unwinding my own tangled circles around these (often conflicting) perspectives on life by walking this path, re-sculpting my own sense of divisiveness and healing a separation wound that was programmed deep inside my own psyche (just as it is programmed inside all human beings as a result of this evolutionary partition of the brain). On all those levels, I have come to understand, a time has now come when we must get those two halves of ourselves working together in a new relationhship; our very survival depends on it and this felt important about this landscape within that context, like it had something important it had to show me.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASo the recent summer solstice came and, as had become something of a tradition, we felt we wanted to spend it in this place. We, naturally, aimed to park in “our spot” by the oak near the hemispherical divison line on the eastern side…only to find, to our surprise, that several others had beaten us to it. A selection of cars were there, boots open, picnic paraphernalia spewing, loud music, clinking wine bottles and the exuberant voices of several people in the mood for a party, all positioned under “our” tree. So we parked by the church like in the old days and walked past them, smiling our “hellos” (I worked hard at brushing off my annoyance at my plans being scuppered, my spot seemingly invaded on such an auspicious night and my midsummer alignment taken off track  “through the actions of others”). So we continued to walk the “yin” side of the wall, which was even more magical than ever as though it knew that I needed its tenderness to stroke my feathers down; the tree tunnel was wearing all her most mystical garbs for the occasion, with a hint of molten golden through her leaves and I found I craved her leafy embrace almost more than to be out in the open waiting for the sun to arrive. We saw a pair of deer (“thank you”). We watched the sky…which had been cloudy thus far (though those clouds had appeared like impressionist paint daubs in the shape of hearts…) start to open up, hinting that a last minute sunset finale might be about to happen. And when we got to the choice point (full or half circle?), I knew I only wanted to walk to the centre (not to continue along the northern path, the masculine side) and that, when I got to that point in the middle…the one that is but yards from the temple…that it would all come together and so it did.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERASuddenly, when we got there, the sun burst out from her cloudy veils and we were treated to the most spectacular sunset, to the duet of an owl in the trees we had just been in (on one side) and a blackbird’s honeyed song (on the other); an incongruous-seeming blend of night and day that, nonetheless, seemed to work. Subtle existence arose into consciousness on all sides as we stood peacefully in that spot; an awareness of tiny rabbits playing in the half-light of the field, the crackle of a beetle in flight, minute changes in temperature registered against the skin, the particular light on a leaf; it was like we were aware of experiencing so much more than is usual, all in a heightened way, hyper-aware of it all, zooming into all the minutiae and panning back to become part of the big-big circular sky and back again, noticing it all. From the east side, the sound of laughter and clinking wine glasses and of speakers playing music still rang out on the summer stillness….but, from where we were, we really didn’t mind; from here, those sounds were softened and could almost have been nature calls akin to the bleating of sheep, those jackdaws returning to their nests, the summer breeze jangling in leaves. We knew we could choose what to tune into and tune out all the rest.

It was like that truism in action; from the centre of everything, all conflict, all disagreements, all variables of choice and preference soften and disappear. In that place, our most strident opinions matter not. From there, we notice most what we all have in common. We stop guarding what we perceive to be “ours”, seeing as such nonsense this sense that we need to own, to safeguard or to fortify in order to have the experience we want. We become closer to everything, in equal proportion…all things being equidistant to where we are in that central void. We find the kind of neutrality that softens the heart and allows it to swell outward; unguarded and free. Those things that make experience so distinct, “on the edge” of life, dissolve to become one point, one focus, one wholeness, one shared perspective from which all things can be seen as equally valid. It was like being stood at the centre of a dial, equidistance from all the unique features that had always made the various portions of the sides of this circle feel so very distinct from one another…like all the experiences of life itself…since they were suddenly all brought together to become the pivot point of ourselves. Just as we are all the pivot point of our own experiences; the one aspect in their midst that is already fully unified and whole. In this “spot” we hold consciousness steady, without agenda or preference…which allows awareness to arise without our interference. This relies on us not jumping from this experience to that (or, you could equally say, choosing one side of the circle over the other) but experiencing it all…simultaneously, without the need to immerse in it or loose sense of self in the process. The experience that comes through is clear, complete, all encompassing, without filter or distortion, something constant and unwavering…you could say, whole….and with us at its centre. This is our very own consciousness, the I Am presence in the centre of our own particular circle of experiences; experiences which are designed to let that aspect get to know itself (for how else could it). We are able to live from this point, in perfect alignment with all that we are, moment to moment, responding to new preferences as they arise (not entrenched by all those choices we made earlier, as we are so accustomed to doing, building whole belief systems around them like fortresses, but adaptable and fluid). It is a place where we get to truly know (and see in action) how we are the ones directing all the action, setting the pace; yes, we are the lynchpin of all the experiences that come together in our lives. We get to experience all the incredible diversity of life without having to be immersed (or entrenched) in any of it; a multi-faceted viewpoint without ever losing our centre. And all we have to do is place our consciousness in this place in the centre and we are there (wherever we happen to be)…always and in any situation.

July full moon 14.jpgEven after “getting” all this from such an auspicious solstice walk, something made me stall about writing up this post and sharing it, as though it needed its final conclusion and it wasn’t until a couple of weeks later, when we returned there, that I knew why the delay. This time, it was the eve of the July full moon and we followed the same route around the “yin” half of the circle and back up the middle to the fence overlooking the site of the temple. The moon had been playing games with us thus far; dancing behind “veils” of thick cloud bank, hardly appearing at all…but I knew, somehow (and was right) that she was saving it all for the middle. When we got there, to the exact same spot we had been for the solstice, the sun was just tipping below the horizon line, leaving an orange glow in the sky. It was at that moment that a strip of cloud opened and the moon came fully out on the east side of the circle, forming an alignment with where we were standing and with the setting sun at our backs on the circle’s other side. Again we were the living centre of the hemispherical line carving the circle only, this time, we had the ultimate in yin-yang markers tracing that line for us in the sky above our heads from moon to sun, yin to yang. It was as though were poised in the centre of a see-saw; as the sun dropped, the moon rose up…and so the day turned to night. Once again, we could not been in a better place to witness this alignment, nor to have the very best experience of it, than where we were standing…right at the centre. Such is a truism of life.

Many things have come (and will continue to come) from the way that I interact with this place, my special place, yet this one was as beautifully simplistic as it was profound. It reminded me that the centre isn’t a place so much as state of being; that all places ever do is teach us how to interact with ourselves, serving us to better know ourselves and navigate our inner landscape so that we may better know all the diversity and richness that is presented by our world; whilst allowing others to do likewise. Its message was as timeless as it was currently applicable and I continue to unfold it through all my daily experiences, drawing on it constantly so that I may better hold my own centre, whatever variables life may seem to throw up along the vastly contrasting portions of my path.


Final note:

Yin-yangThe following morning, I drew up this sketch of a pattern I had in my mind’s eye of the sun-moon alignment in the West and East (the previous night) working with the yin yang hemispheres of the circle to the South and North. The alternate corners of the circle are suggestive of a binary code and I find that they are meaningful in many ways that are applicable to me when I work with the masculine and feminine aspects in human experience (and the ways that we go about seeking balance between them…sometimes going too heavily into the masculine/yang and equally, these days, tipping too concertedly towards the feminine/yin as though we must compensate for some sort of unfairness that we perceive needs to be rectified; these are all third-dimensional belief systems and have no place where we are headed). For instance, it is telling to me that “the church” is positioned in the yang-yin corner (spirituality…on male terms; organised and made formal, with an intermediary deemed necessary between the individual and “source”) while the woods, water, snake, wildness etc. are to be found in  the yin-yang corner (magic and mystery, with a “dangerous” edge; as has been necessary for the feminine aspect to adopt so that she could survive such a domantly “yang” world over the last 6000 years). The yin-yin and yang-yang corners are the most neutral-feeling in that they lack contrast,  yet…in their own way…they are out of balance since they are “all one way”, as it were; and a one-party system does not constitute balance. A more ideal pattern…surely…would be alternate corners conconsisting of yin-yang and yang-yin all the way around the circle of experience yet I suspect we have got far closer to the model I have just drawn in recent history; people tend to fall into one of these four corners (I can trace my own life-journey through several of them), many into those “all of nothing” camps…a place that can become entrenched in its own viewpoint at the expense of seeing anybody else’s.

SilchesterAlthough I knew about, and had presumably seen before, the tiled floor that was uncovered in the temple at the centre of the circle (probably last seen by me four or five years ago), I was astonished when I reminded myself what this looked like shortly after drawing up my sketch. Here it is. It is one of the features of the building that has had historians scratching their heads but I feel I have my own answer to it when I associate it with all that I have just shared above. Whoever made this floor thousands of years ago was surely already onto something that I am only just starting to fathom, it seems. Perhaps this is why whoever lived here long-long ago found their kinship with a culture that, perhaps, drifted here from the East and helped to co-create a building that was anything but “just” another Christian church, even if it was adopted as such at a later time. This yin-yang yang-yin floor helps me to explain (such as I need to) why I feel so at home in this place. I like to think people from both east and west hemispheres of this planet felt this too; modelling how to coexist side-by-side in one small English location long before religion and so many other ideas of the mind made such almighty challenge of it all; planting a seed of potential for this to be remembered once more, as it needs to be now, so that we can better navigate whatever challenging times lay ahead for us all (for MUCH more on this conclusion, read on in Walls of Honey). Better still could be if we use those rapidly alternating, bizarely relatable (they are not all that dissimilar…) yan-ying / yin-yang experiences to find our way back to the middle; to start to live from that “place’ in the centre, then all things become possible.

The place in question; although it is almost incidental to the work that I have done with it, is Silchester; to anybody else, perhaps, just a quiet field in the south of England…


Related posts:

Walls of honey

The point of it all: memory shared

Creating from the place in the middle

Going quantum

Fountain of life

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Life journey, Menu, Symbolic journeys | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Our multi-dimensional brains

Our multi-dimensional memory storage facility, which is like a collection of geometrical “boxes” that defy space and time (thus, not even, strictly, “local” to the inside of our heads)…haven’t I been speculating and blogging about this very thing lately (The Point of it all: memory shared etc.)?

This brand new article extract is taken from Natural News:

One surprising recent study published in Frontiers in Computational Neuroscience has shed new light onto just how complex the brain actually is, with research showing that some of the structures in this vital organ have as many as 11 different dimensions. Studying these structures could give us an understanding of precisely how memories are formed.

The director of the Blue Brain Project in Switzerland, neuroscientist Henry Markram, said that tens of millions of these objects exist in each tiny speck of the brain, with many having seven or even 11 dimensions. He marveled: “We found a world that we had never imagined.”

While these objects only exist in three dimensions in our world, the mathematics that are used to describe them have several additional dimensions. The team used algebraic topology in a new way to uncover a whole world of geometrical structures and spaces with multiple dimensions.

Neuroscience has been struggling to find where the brain stores its memories. ‘They may be ‘hiding’ in high-dimensional cavities,’ Professor Markram, director of Blue Brain Project in Lausanne, Switzerland said (in one of several articles on this topic). How about they are quantum-twinned with an off-site storage entity at the core of our planet (see my previous post on the topic of memory storage, link below)?

Whatever your thoughts, this new  research makes fascinating (and exciting) reading – take a look at the article quoted above on Natural News here: Human brain found to contain multi-dimensional holographic geometry that might be involved in forming memories

Related post on this site – “The point of it all: Memory shared

Website The Blue Brain Project and list of publications

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Menu, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Like a bee from a jar

Having just finished reading “Set Free: A Life Changing Journey from Banking to Buddhism in Bhutan”, I realise suddenly that finding others people’s stories like this is terribly important to me and I am actively looking for more like this. Perhaps it is a sign that I am ready to “join up” with other people, even if only so far as noticing similar patterns in our experiences and smiling quietly to see those patterns in motion. I make a particular point of saying this because, at the end of her book, Emma Slade its author describes how she hesitated to write it, for fear that it was “egoic” to share her own story like this…which is the very same wobble that often gives me pause when I write my intimately personal blogs. Yet, thankfully, her lama gave her the unequivocal go-ahead and I, too, over-ride my own self-doubts…repeatedly…to keep going along this track of speaking out (a trait of the sacred feminine) since it feels to me that sharing the journey of awakening could be the most important thing that I am doing with my life (apart from taking the journey itself…). As above, I really hope that increasing numbers of people are prepared to hold their spiritual journeys somewhat less close to the chest in order to share since I suspect the time has come when we really need the encouragement of each other. We long to sense that we are not alone on these very intense personal journeys and to notice the patterns; for in those patterns, and the making conscious of them, we give even more wind to our collective sails.

For in this personal account, though I have been through nothing so dramatic as its author (who was held at gun point in a hotel room in Jakarta, Indonesia on a business trip during her banking career, catalysing her transformation), I found so many patterns of my own journey. Most interesting of all, I notice so many similar timings, which I can’t help observing match the incoming rhythms of the Eighth and Ninth waves coming in (as did my own breakthrough events); that evolutionary pattern that I keep writing about as per the book “The Nine Waves of Creation” by Dr Calleman. Because, if we are really in a new wave of creation as of 2011 (preceded by another potent wave that arrived in 1999) and that wave is evolving us as rapidly as some of us believe, compared to previous waves, then we can expect ever more breakthrough stories like mine and Emma Slade’s to rise to the surface.

The seminal event at gunpoint that started the process of forming cracks in the corporate life in finance that was Emma’s occurred in September 1997, during the pre-wave of the Eighth Wave (about the same time that my own life was mid free-fall triggered by a series of emotional traumas and abuses, including the deaths of both parents, a rape and a pretty life-eroding longterm relationship; in fact my mother’s cancer was diagnosed that very September). For Emma, the death of her father had served as another awakening of sorts, a sort of pre-wave of her own, forcing upon her the consideration of what death is; perhaps also a certain amount of misgivings about how we handle death in western culture, not to mention how we handle love (these words could be mine: “As a family we were not very verbally expressive and certainly the L word was not bandied around”). These considerations rocked my world too, beginning the process of feeling like a misfit in our society in a way that formed subtle but important fissures in the calcified rock around my heart…only waiting to be prised wider to let even more light in. I think its fair to say that one way or the other, by the end of the 1990s (shortly after the activation of the Eighth Wave in 1999 – marking the return of the sacred feminine) many of us were unwittingly poised for the door to fly off its hinges and for something very new to happen.

Do these kinds of breakthrough journey often begin with PTSD as that is something that, so clearly, happened here and it is something I had been long-ago forced to consider relating to my own breakdown and subsequent healing journey; for this was no simple trauma I was dealing with, it ran incredibly deep, like I had been saving it up for many lifetimes in order to gain maximum effect when it happened. I had never before associated PTSD with “entrapment” as Emma refers to in her book and yet, if I had to nail what afflicted me in the 1990s, it was that very thing; on every side of my ridiculously self-enravelled existence, I felt utterly, irredeemably trapped by circumstance and bound up in my heart. Nor had I ever before come across such an overt reference to a connection between PTSD and breakdown of memory…though this was surely part of my own experiences, to a very large degree. The severe brain fog episodes that accompanied the early years of my health breakdown were horrific yet (in the long run) served me amply as they enabled me to, as it were, reformat the way I thought and processes experience; to start all over again since I could no longer rely on the intellect that had become my mainstay until that point. Its as though (in both cases) we were being primed or softened to receive the blast of light that came next; a quality that I have observed before yet this was the first time I had heard someone else describe pretty-much the same thing to such a similar timeline.

Like Emma, I thought at first (having been an incredibly determined person, accustomed to thinking my way out of any situation) that “like a little girl screwing up her eyes and clenching her fists…I could make it all OK” but I simply found I couldn’t do it that way anymore; not without dismantling and restructuring my priorities, letting intellect be the servant and not the driver from now on, which is exactly what Emma talks about in this book. Brick by brick, the life she had built upon her intellect, a high paying corporate job and all its incumbent lifestyle trappings had to be – necessarily – dismantled to make room for something else that was clearly wanting to be let in. In my own way, I watched that old world disintegrate as I completely gave up both my corporate  and self-employed work (thus all financial independence) and surrendered myself to the unknown plan that my health conundrum seemed to have in mind for me; and all this on top of the ups and downs of parenting a very young child (more on that powerful catalyst below). It’s what the Eighth wave can feel like at first; a turn-turtle upon all the familiar values of the previous wave, all the things you once thought were important and by which you defined yourself. You are forced to take down all the trappings of the old life (an illusory life, or so it turns out…like a stage set made out of cardboard)…and into all that clear space flows the very thing that has been waiting to come in all along.

So Emma gave up her corporate career and found yoga (as I did somewhat later); travelling off around the world in search of teachers and becoming one herself…or at least until another life shake-up prompted her to reconsider corporate employment for a time. Like her, in the early stages (before my health came crashing down) I attempted a career change to address what I was feeling happen to me; endured many months counselling with a career’s advisor in a small wood panelled office close to St Paul’s Cathedral in search of answers that just weren’t forthcoming, as vehemently as I summoned them (for there were no logical answers to what I should be doing with my life). Emma finds herself purchasing a brightly coloured book advising her to list all the things she liked to do best and turn them into a career (much the same advice that I received). “Right, so: walking, finding fossils on the beach, being quiet, swimming. It was hard to see how those things would pay off a mortgage” she observes; and ditto for me. So many of us hit this place where nothing short of a complete breakdown of circumstance, done for us (it can even appear as though it is being “done to us”) will suffice to take us across the seemingly uncrossable mental gap…for her, the birth of a son with ADHD and for me the all-consuming crash and mystery of fibromyalgia that wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Then, here’s another stage I recognise: “My empathy skills were at an all-time low – how can you put yourself in the place of another when you are so lost yourself? I must have seemed selfish and disinterested”. Me too; I became terribly self-absorbed at first…and yet, I have learned, this pulling inwards is a necessary stage as you learn to love self like the seed in the dark that you are tending, so that a new shoot can grow. Everything can feel like a threat at that stage; the world full of assailants, hazards and toxins, you feel “shrunken, like one of those peat-bodies”, your body always, as she so accurately observes, feeling the cold. Yet…as long as you don’t loose yourself to this enhanced paranoia, the self that emerges through the need to find alternate things in common with “other” and “environment” than what is apparent in the material world is an expansive self that is ready for a new paradigm and to see beyond all the trappings.

As I mentioned, we both found yoga…and learned about the layers of body; of memories stored up from other lifetimes. “Whenever I bent forwards to put the crown of my head on the floor I could feel the openness of my neck exposed and my heart quickening. It seemed there were more memories, from other times. This posture showed me the layers of time stored up in my physical body, the layers packed like within an earthen pit; there they all still were”. As any regular readers of my blogs will know, I also found piles of memory stored up in my body and in the earth beneath my feet, especially in England; it’s a compacted, compressed feeling living here, like tightly packed crystalline boxes of human experience which it can feel as though I am channelling, recognising  “like” with the like in my body’s own stored memories then realising them as sensations and insight. Emma describes her relief on going to Australia to discover that “the country’s remoteness gave it the feeling that it had developed along a different, unique trajectory and that felt good. The weight of centuries of European buildings piling up on each other was a long way away”. I explored these east-west differences (and I suspect they are to do with much more than how tightly packed our buildings are…) in my recent post The Point of it All: Memory Shared which explores the very different (scientifically confirmed) crystalline structures at the core of the planet in the east compared to the western hemisphere and the way that I suspect we have stored our collective memories in the earth.

One breakthrough experience that she describes made me gasp for how astonishingly similar it was to some of my own experiences, mental diagrams I have tried to refer to in this blog and my long-running preoccupation with spirals and DNA; in her case catalysed by sun shining through droplets of water from a sprinkler in a municipal park: “Strands were interwoven like an undulating piece of cloth lying down or the strands of DNA structure standing up. Time continuing, spiralling on, with all things connected. It was clear we all have the chance to carry forward the wisdom we have gained or to decide not to. We can or we cannot, but it seemed best that we did; the threads in the cloth could reach across, make their connection and not get lost”.

Even then, in 2001, she wasn’t quite there yet…but things were about to get interesting; with a “one step back two forwards” kind of rhythm that I was also caught up in at the time. There was even an attempt to go back to the “old” corporate life and a job that gave her “clear tasks to undertake…the simplicity of living in the analysing focussed left-brain world” and, guess what, in that very same year, in an attempt to stabilise things and reclaim some sense of order for myself and my daughter, so did I (yes, part of me enjoyed slipping on those business suits)… but a new momentum was already running under the surface and it was only a matter of time before it showed above as even more cracks in the pavement. We both left that corporate world somewhat abruptly (in my case, once and for all and, in hers, to give birth to her son) in the same month –  July 2006. That timing feels significant – for it was the final build-up of momentum for the fifth day of the eight wave that came in 2007…its seminal point (as is the fifth day of each wave of evolution – see footnotes and diagram below) and here we were, poised and more than ripe to undergo a major rebirth in our personal evolution paths.

There was a sense of stasis for me after 2006, like I was living in a holding space, a seedling beneath the earth awaiting the first warmth from the sun. My health was a heinous mess and I had no choice but to pull inwards while my body played tug and push with my daily experiences and my commitment to parenthood (a source of much soul-searching given how much these often seemed to clash, with the added complications of a child who is super-sensitive and not always very straightforward compared to other kids). However, having been forced to completely give up work due to my health, at least I was now able to concentrate fully on parenthood in a way that would not have been remotely possible if I had been as stressed and hard-working as I was before; something which, without exaggeration, has altered the trajectory of my daughter’s life since I significantly altered (you could say “softened”) my parenting style as a result. In Emma’s case, she was at first bringing up a child with special needs and commuting to work in London then running her own yoga business whilst beginning to explore Buddhism; another tug and push yet one that paid off.

Buddha-1-webWe both seem to have awoken a previously subtle level of spiritual curiosity around this time and I agree, rather than finding conflict between parenthood and the spiritual path, I discovered like her that “the path of a parent requires the greatest commitment to love and patience. In this way it seemed to offer the chance to free yourself of the self-centred trap”. I have long-held (and written about) the viewpoint that the birth of my daughter was my first wake-up call; the primal scream of self-awakening and Emma agrees “The act of giving birth itself seemed to have begun he process. Having stretched and pushed and screamed to get that new life felt like the shedding of an old self”. I suspect that many of us are rebirthing ourselves as we birth our children during this post Eighth-wave era that has the feminine aspect fully activated once more. In this way, parenthood is serving as an instrument of a much vaster global rebirth, as it was always intended to (but which was deactivated or, actually, filtered out of our experience in the previous eras, when the birthing process was made secret, fear-inducing and increasingly distasteful or even turned into an artificial intervention by way of a fad that made c-sections and epidurals the very thing women thought they wanted). As women learn not to fear but, rather, to revere their reproductive capacities we activate this rebirthing process in ourselves whilst reclaiming the feminine aspect from eons of suppression by bathing it in the light of our awe; realising parenthood (for both parents) as a spiritual process and an instrument for achieving deeper understanding. In Emma’s opinion, parenthood is “not one of the five-forms of yoga but maybe it should be” and I agree, it has been massively instrumental in my journey of awakening. In her case, it was the “big shovel” that dumped her “100 per cent on to a spiritual path”. In my case, it was a combined effort between that and all those weird and wonderful challenges going on in my body (the one thing keeping me from utterly surrendering to the other, which I might have been more inclined to do had I not had a daughter to take care of).

Then, of course, 2011 was a very big year, for both of us and no less the world as it marked the arrival of the Ninth Wave. My account is that I “woke up” with a blast of internal light in March that year (my “big” spiritual awakening moment mentioned many times before in my posts), which not only set me off on a very obvious spiritual trajectory but also fed into an understanding that I could physically thrive, in spite of my health challenges, by reclaiming this new place of inner harmony and living closer to its design (begun in earnest as a self-devised food, supplement and lifestyle program in October of that year). It was in October 2011 (the all-important fifth day of the Ninth Wave; see footnotes) that Emma Slade took the first of many journeys to Bhutan and fell in love with the place in a way that utterly changed her life; a very different life to the one where she was involved in banking. We were both well on our way now and life hasn’t looked the same, for either of us, since.

I also can’t help noticing how we both arrived in a place that meant having one foot in each hemisphere, as it were, after that (which is, in essence, what the Ninth Wave is all about; achieving unity consciousness). I have chronicled my own yin-yang adventures and my many thoughts about east and west very throughly in this blog; whilst noticing how I now tend to prefer “living in” the right hemisphere these days whereas “left” is where I once, resoundingly, lived. Emma too; living in England, she found herself drawn to Bhutan more and more once this particular door was opened. As she first allowed herself to delve deeper into Buddhism, shaving her head and taking on different clothes, she couldn’t help noticing how happy she was “having one foot in the East and one in the West” until, before too long, she was happiest dressing like this all the time and, now renamed Pema Deki (Blissful Lotus), was excited to take on the lifetime commitment of becoming a Buddhist nun.

And yet….I can’t help comparing…we both still find our left-brained skills serve us very well and, somehow, come into their own more than ever within the new right-brained context that we use them in (I am fascinated by this, especially as an artist, and it has become a preoccupation of my writing themes). There’s a telling moment when Emma is interviewing a potential new helper for her charity and throws down the gauntlet for him to drop everything and come with her, immediately, if he really wants to help. “It was the closest I’d come in a long time to reclaiming my corporate-world brain. The speed of the decision was driven by the commitment to make this charity a real success”. Later she explains how “its now more than ever that I am grateful for the analytical background I acquired in the corporate world. It gives me confidence to ask the necessary questions about the ideas and figures until I’ve got the full picture”. Even her wording here reminds me of my own take on how the left-brain is useful in my approach to the “pictures” that I am working on; and I find its input invaluable as a writer of extremely abstract themes. I have long suspected that our true power lies in the ability to marry the best qualities of these two sides of ourselves together; left and right, east and west, both working together as one. Yet who would have ever imagined the corporate banker (as she once was) taking note of synchronicities…such as a rainbow on her path…to indicate that her project has got off to a good start. Just as she now struggles to imagine how the brusque and stylish person that she once was, dashing from meeting to meeting, would have responded to the person she now is (would she have even noticed herself if they passed in the hotel lobby?), I have that same difficulty imagining how the “me” of a decade-plus ago would have coped with what I have become. Would that version of me have despised my current life choices, my laid-back dress sense, my alcohol-free vegetarian diet, the absence of a typical social life and of television, my seeming lack of ambition or materialism, my relative withdrawal from the conventional world? I’m not sure they would have known what to say to each other in the unlikely circumstance that they had ever got chatting in the first place (though the odds are quite slim); and when I look at those old photos of myself, they are like a completely different person with a harder face, a far less-ready smile and much less light behind the eyes.

13738076_10207051703951294_9090516762248401158_oTraining diligently for this life as a nun (building all-new neurological pathways…which has been so fundamental to my health-recovery journey), Emma was confronted with having to recognise all the mental habits that tend to hold us prisoner in our lives (and which are so typical of the western way of life). She uses the Buddhist analogy (one I had not heard before) of the bee trapped in the glass vase…trapped in the circles of suffering known as samsara. No less, I have written endlessly about circles transformed into spirals and used the analogy of the butterfly trapped behind glass as my core metaphor for the last few years, exploring this idea repeatedly in my art, my photography and my writing as one of the most compelling themes that I am drawn to work with. As the penultimate chapter of her book is titled “The bee that flew out of the jar”, so I have recently written posts entitled “Out of the box” and “Released from the jar” and, many times, about those escaping butterflies. I have played with the idea of the butterfly being not only released from its glass (as though rescued) but, actually, transcending the glass, making  for itself (as it were) a whole other relationship with the glass so that the glass serves the butterfly’s best experience and not the other way around. Thus, we both seem to have reached this same point, in the last few months…just as so many of us have managed to renegotiate the terms upon which we engage with life (I keep seeing this same thread in the lives of my friends). In other words, another evolutionary breakthrough point has been reached, one which – I suspect – is far more universal (or at least shared to some fairly significant degree…) than we previously allowed ourselves to know from the perspective of our individual journeys, which can feel so unique to us that we hardly notice others experiencing versions of the same.

I just want to slip in that in Autumn 2012 I came upon the compassion prayer that Emma talks about in her book “om mani peme hum” (the version I knew was “om mani padme hum”) set to music by Buedi Siebert. I hardly knew what this was all about (though, of course, I looked it up)…all I knew at first was that I literally could not stop listening to it; I would listen on loop through headphones as I took my long early morning dog walks in the forest, a place where it was quite possible not to see another soul for over an hour of walking, and I would sing along with this mantra…and it quite literally cracked me wide open. I would weep, I would laugh and smile and feel such joy, staring up at all the sunlight pouring through trees with eyes still dewy with all those tears and I just seemed to release and release and release what was so jammed up inside of me. It was quite incredible, so powerful…and still brings a lump to my throat to hear that prayer in any form but especially that version.

Then there was this thing that Emma talks about where you realise the importance of kindness…and of admitting that we, ourselves, are kind; which (we find) deeply matters to us, though its importance might have completely eluded the person that we used to be. Not until last week, in my post Love Letter to Myself, did I finally, admit this to myself; which is such an understated sounding destination and yet it can feel like such a breakthrough when you arrive there. It seems to occur along with reaching a state of appreciating the kind of emptiness that “realises the interdependence of all things”. This is the void that I seem to speak about all the time these days; my quantum “point in the middle” that is neither form or non-form, left or right, west nor east…yet, really, it is both together at once. Without any Buddhist teachings to my name, I find I have such a lot in common with this English Buddhist nun and my curiosity regarding Buddhism is more piqued then ever. The “Teachings for Living Every Day” that the book ends with ring true to my heart; being the very things I have learned for myself this last decade and I could not have summarised them better if I had tried.

As I have come to realise with the writing of my blog, once it is written, it is up to the reader to decide how they interact with my words and not for me to say how that outcome should look. Like the butterfly, I release my writing to fly where it will and if I never get to know about where it lands, or even if I do and it turns out to be different place to the one I envisioned, it is not for me to argue. So, whilst I almost feel like I should apologise for taking liberties with this story and all the audacious comparisons I have made between my own and another person’s life, I must add that I found them all too irresistible (and useful) not to point out. In them, I find the validation of something that is a core belief, which is that we are all connected; in a sense, all one, the many going through highly individuated yet remarkably similar processes of personal evolution…as instruments of a far vaster process of evolution taking place in the world at large at this point in our history (whether you believe in evolutionary waves or not; however a grasp of the Nine Waves, I find, really helps to get to grips with what is happening).

Where those individuals are already tuned into the Ninth Wave, their stories may tend to stand out for having these similar patterns of breakdown and start-all-over-again which, for the moment, makes them quirky enough to stand out from the crowd and therefore somewhat easier to hear about and compare, in contrast with more mainstream ways of conducting a life without any sudden changes in trajectory. It is this utter breakdown of one way of being and the reformatting of the pieces into another, more heart-centred way of living that seems to form the backbone of a journey closely synchronised to these waves; and I find the timings of Emma’s life and mine (compared with the phases of the Eighth and Ninth Waves) quite compelling. I also take heart from these similarities since they tell me that many more of us are on this pathway of rebalancing our hemispheres…in ourselves, our work and lifestyle, our way of interacting with the world and each other. It feels like a leading edge, the point to an arrow, the start of a new trajectory for a great many of us and thus (one hopes) the whole planet and it thrills me to hear this story again in its many forms; as though we are growing in number and strengthening our resolve to go where the heart leads, whatever it may take. Importantly, we are doing this by finding that hemispherical harmony within ourselves, learning that it all begins “in” there, a “place” where harmony is our intrinsic state and we are, as it were, peeling back layers to rediscover it. For me, it emerged into form…first…through the process of art, which enabled me to allow those two aspects of myself to work together in their innate harmony without my interference. Through that, I learned that I was able to realise harmony as my most natural and familiar state of being…in spite of what the outside world or my daily physical challenges were presenting. What feels so apparent is that it is the deep personal journey to get “there” that is all important, whatever form that may take; and that by being harmony in our own lives, holding it within ourselves, we roll it out to the whole world through our actions and intentions (however humble or small those may seem at the material level).

“You have just built yourself a massive unpaid job” Emma is told about the charity she started “Opening Your Heart to Bhutan”…and, yes, in a much smaller way, I guess you could say that’s what my various full-time writing pursuits are too since they take up so very much of my time and (in material terms) earn me nothing at all. To me, they are a kind of service, as is my life, in that I hope that by modelling the qualities I have learned that we all possess beneath the surface of busy life, we all somehow get there sooner. Emma has taken her service to a whole other level with her charity work and tireless trips to Bhutan to work with the people there. Though on a different scale, these kinds of pursuit have in common that they are a world apart from the salaried jobs we used to do yet nothing would induce us not to do them; we know in our heart of heart’s that we are on the right path since we can feel ourselves existing as an expression in form of our most harmonious essence. There can be no doubting when you are on such a “right path” for there is no other inducement required except the feelings of joy and “rightness”, of wholeness and personal truth that you derive from it. Crossing paths with others operating from a similar place can be such encouragement. There is a powerful point of creative evolution, a sort of concentrated forward momentum, to be found in the meeting place between your two sets of experiences and the many ways that they are found to correspond; like the essence of oneness in action. I found this book such a profound and heart-felt pleasure to read across all its many layers and heartily recommend it.

Final thoughts: Bhutan, “Set Free” and Emma’s charity work

I just wanted to add that I found myself falling most tenderly in love with the Bhutanese culture…second hand…as I read this book, such is the heartfelt way it is presented through Emma’s words. One of the things I find most endearing (is this bizarre?) is the habit of adding “la” (as in “Emma-la”) to the end of a person’s name as a mark of respect. It reminded me of my dear German friend (who I finally get to meet in person in just a couple of months) who has the habit of saying “dear” at the end of a sentence, even when written. I found this both quaint and arrestingly meaningful the first time I noticed it, like a soothing gesture that had been so-long absent from my life. These days, we tend to associate the add-on of such a word to our name with the little old ladies of our childhood, don’t we, and yet where did they go and when was it considered so superfluous to add an endearment like that? Just think what it means – “you are dear to me”; how wonderful is that. Its like the word “love”, which I often find myself adding when I address my daughter, though I used to abhor the practice before I became a parent (I remember how I used to think it sounded like a take-off of a Cockney taxi driver to say “love” at the end of so many sentences…) yet I found I literally couldn’t help myself where my daughter was concerned; it just started happening because, guess what, I love her. This tells me something about western culture, where we have made language so perfunctory, to the point of text-speak, that we have lost something precious in the process. Hearing “la” added to the end of my name would feel like a loving hand caressing the top of my head and I found myself craving a world where such word usage is the relative norm. If this sounds like an odd reason to open your heart to a particular culture (helped by so many descriptions of smiling faces) then it is because it helped capture something about these people that genuinely warmed my heart and added a whole other dimension to Emma’s book…one that cannot be taken out of the book without removing its substance altogether.

set_free_cover_emma_slade-pre-order-197x350Emma’s charity is called “Opening Your Heart to Bhutan” and was started in 2015. The charity works to acheive tangible long term improvements to the quality of life of children in Bhutan, especially those in remote rural communities and/or with additional special needs. The proceeds of this book are being donated to this charity and you can read all about the marvellous work that they do, and donate or help on other ways (as well as seeing so many of those smiling faces I talk about), on its website

Emma’s own website relating to her book “Set Free” is and you can watch her give a Ted X talk here.

“Set Free” is available on Amazon via the link (left).


How do any of these personal experiences relate to the Nine Waves of Creation and the current evolutionary trend of humanity?

These two quotes are from “The Nine Waves of Creation” by Carl Johan Calleman, PhD:

“I have several times pointed out…the special role that the fifth day has had in the evolutionary process of a wave. This special role was exemplified by the birth of Christianity in the Sixth Wave and the birth of modernity in the Seventh Wave. The two phenomena may seem quite different, but the fifth day is the period of breakthrough regardless of what wave we are studying”.

Screen Shot 2017-06-27 at 08.06.11

Significant events in the fifth days (and nights) of the previous waves of evolution (Diagram by Dr Carl Johan Calleman – The Global Mind and the Rise of Civilization)

“…the time after activation of the Ninth Wave, on March 9, 2011, had given clear indications what direction this, the highest and final wave, promises to take humanity over time. The Ninth Wave is designed to take us not only from the dominance of the bankers and dictators but also from nationalism and religious fanaticism. If these tendencies became much less evident immediately after the shift on October 28, 2011, it was not because of the Ninth Wave but because the simultaneous shift in the lower waves came to influence the world…”

For much more on The Nine Waves of Creation in my posts, search this website using the term “nine waves”.


Bee photo taken in Copenhagen (on the twelfth degree longitude where, according to Dr Calleman, East and West hemisphere’s meet…) in August 2016

Flowering Buddha taken in my garden, Summer Solstice 2017

© Helen White Photography


Related posts on this website:

Glass Butterflies 2016 & Glass Butterflies II 2017 (and more, search for “butterfly”)

Released from the jar 2016

Out of the box 2017

Spinning light 2016 (and many more topics related to my vision of the structure of evolution and oneness realised in form –  search for “spiral”, “circle”, “DNA”, “tapestry”)

Using the Nine Waves to Heal Your Life 2017 (and many more, search for “nine waves”)

Love Letter to Myself 2017

Fountain of Life 2017

The Point of it All: Memory Shared 2017

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Absolute healing

Probably the most comprehensive, coherent and powerful post on healing that I have ever shared drawing on everything I have come to know about achieving wholeness within a physical body. Far too vast to summarise, far too important not to share here from my other site, here it is in full via the link below:


Source: Absolute healing

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Don’t feel you have to ditch your story (unless you really want to)

…because its literally chock-full of jewels. And to do so is to betray that part of yourself that gathered the story to you, that went through everything to get here, putting together this vast composite of experience; and this only leads to more fragmentation, not wholeness.

It’s such a spiritual cliché to say you must ditch your story, just drop it by the roadside and pretend it has nothing to do with you (and there can be so much tutting behind hands when you admit to having a story to tell), but that was then and this is now. In the ninth wave, we incorporate the resonant bits of our story into an amalgam of “story” and “no story”. Without hanging all that judgment around its poor neck, we find our story is literally full of riches for us to pounce upon when we do this. Synchroncities continue to work for us across all the strands of our life’s experiences so why would we want to erase them and be left with a blank slate; what would be the point of that (and points are something I’ve spoken about such a lot lately)?

When we get to the point, we bring ourselves into wholeness, the two hemispherical sides of ourselves merging to become one…and that includes all those aspects of our story that we decide to hold in there, in a sort of suspension between form and non-form (no, not oft repeated like a mantra until they crystallise and become non-negotiable “fact”, but…) so we can dip our brushes into their colours and find all-new meaning waiting for us when surprising aspects of different parts of our many stories suddenly line up.

ImageLike a kaleidoscope creates a new pattern every time we shake it, when we operate from the void of all creation, new patterns emerge in every moment and, from them, we derive meaning and insight. The story we have chosen to preserve about ourselves includes bits and pieces of all those preferences we have expressed across the years…books and films we dived into, nuggets of things that attracted our attention, places we travelled, small details, conversations, hardships that helped make us who we now realise we are, personal traits that bobbed up time and time again until we knew they were important…all held waiting for us to thread onto a new strand of understanding at some unforeseen moment in the future, only to fall off the thread and be recycled for another day just as quickly (nothing need be turned to concrete anymore and our story is retained as a much more fluid thing than we remember it ever being before).

The thread that holds them there is us; the awareness in form that has been the lifelong kleptomaniac of “things” by way of gathering experiences that we have squirreled away for such a rainy day…only, sometimes, rainy days are the very best. They are the ones when we get to tip out all the intriguing boxes and play freely with whatever we can use to hold our attention and, from them, some of our best and most surprising creations yet can emerge. And so we create our next layers of meaning, across many lifetimes’ “stories”, and we get to birth something infinitely new from them, which is the spiral tail of our own evolution. This is the master playing with being consciousness in form…not throwing anything out because it is out of favour this year (that is so old-style yang!) but incorporating it all as useful (hello yin!) to become the best of both as one.


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Love letter to myself

Summer solsticeThe last decade has been a self-righting, a sort of rescue operation and a slow-steady reunion of two aspects of myself that had become exaggeratedly fragmented (I know now) expressly so I could learn how to put myself back together again! This powerful time of planetary poise, Summer Solstice (a time that was such a favourite in my childhood, when more light meant even more playtime and joy) became attached, through association, with a hurt which, in turn, became the very pivot-point of all my efforts to “return home” to myself this last quarter century.

Perhaps this period of maximum light has made it all the more painful for me to see more of myself yet not like what I saw across all these years of the wound that I was harbouring being, as it were, spotlit by this anniversary. A stark contrast was set up and the rub of it became my very growing point; a navigation aid as I brought myself into better alignment with what truly felt like me, year-on-year. At the higher level, its as though I have been working with the Summer Solstice…and my task, now, to work powerfully with it in my favour as such a life-affirming time of the year, unconditional upon any associations I have ever formed around it. I see now how I have been working to redress an alleged moment of self-abandonment (although I never really did fragment or separate…not for one moment, though it may have seemed to be so); to both offer and receive the love that was never, in the first place, either refused or denied.

Writing this letter to myself is my Summer Solstice gift to myself and anyone else who takes solace or encouragement from these words. May it encourage others to at least consider what those two aspects of themselves might have to say to each other, if they were handed the pen with which to do it!

You can read my letter in today’s post on Living Whole:

Love letter to myself

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Health & wellbeing, Life choices, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness, Symbolic journeys | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment