“Imaginal” us and harnessing the creator potential of Christmas

I don’t know about you but I’m finding myself appreciate Christmas even more than usual this year. Not in some of the usual ways, agreed, but from the point of view of really noticing what really shines out as just so important to my heart (over my head). Like, I stop in the doorframe of a room as my gaze falls on the fairy-lit green garland around the fireplace and my eyes (and heart) are completely arrested by the scene, so a deep love and appreciation for “home” and all it encompasses washes over me along with a stillness and depth that speaks not of emptiness but of the fullness of all that matters in life. There is no doubt in me that, when things become more open again, there is a part of me that will be ready to unfurl the wings of being-ness “out in the world” even more so than ever before, but it all begins here rather than this being some sort of obsolete, cancelled time; a parody of its former self. In some ways, I sense this year is being allowed to get even closer to its original purpose and this more inner-focused bent I am noticing is at the very heart of it…

For me, when I respond so to that domestic view, as though it is somehow holy, its because its layered with all the memories of family times spent as the children were growing up around that very fireplace and, rather than allow myself to plunge into grief that they are not with us now, I feel myself ignite with the glowing certainty my daughter and I are planning to video call each other (again) later today…and (again) tomorrow morning when we open presents; that we hardly seem to get through a few hours these days without “pinging” cheerful, or heartfelt, messages to each to other and, even when quiet, there is a developing telepathy that only this year could have highlighted, since the noise of life all-too easily drowned it out in all the years before. Yes, the more we are so-called apart, the more we have opportunity to explore the virtual realities of our connections to one another, the outside-of-linearity psychic wavelengths that take us deeper than the small talk; and I notice this now with many people in my life. There is a good handful of people not seen in person during the whole of this year that are even more real and present in my consciousness now than they ever were and for that I am so very grateful. See how we grow new skills when we are cornered? This is how we are, its not all about the physical presence and never was.

So, as my daughter wrote in her tear-pricking Christmas card, we feel closer to each other than ever this year…paradoxically…yet we still, also, have all the memories so that she is always “here” with me when she is “there”. To dwell on them isn’t, for me, to feel morbid or retrospective but to appreciate deeply in the here and now. It’s like I’m unpacking, slowly one-by-one, all the many nuggets of memory made in such a rush when they “happened” only, this year, I have had them all over again, slowly savouring them, polishing them off, melding them into the essence of “my life”, full of love and precious things, and which is current; the very fuel of the fire that is the “me” that I now offer to the world as I am. It gives me stamina and belief, a deep trust and optimism to hold this fire within me, so to allow myself to plummet into jadedness would be to damp that fire down and deeply disrespect all of those precious times that are still held inside my heart since, in having them, I know I am fortunate indeed. Nothing, no external circumstance, could ever alter that inner reality; it is all part of my fabric.

So, the fact some of the external rudiments of life have been curtailed, again, doesn’t send me into tailspin but allows me to go deeper into the gratitude and appreciation of what I already have, which includes a time-layered love that is always “of the now.” Even love that was expressed ten, fifteen years ago of more, is still mine “now” because love never dies, so I can dial into that and bask in it; can use it to raise in me the powerful frequency from which I manifest my very next steps forwards.

As I enacted the annual ritual of having a “big baking day” yesterday, on the day before Christmas Eve as ever, it stuck me more than usual that the reason I do this, which is not my around-the-year norm (to spend several hours with my hands in flour, processing edible creations in and out of the oven, one after the other, on some sort of manic production line, singing all the time as I do it) is that it makes me feel so close to my mum, even though this will be my 25th Christmas without her. It was something we always did together, even when I went away to university and came back for just a handful of days, yet she would always save for me the task of decorating of the cake and we would make batches of mince pies and sausage rolls as we chattered in the kitchen to the warmth of the oven and the music on the white-floury cassette player. Now, no Christmas cake (a tradition I had to give up with most of its ingredients) but making my version of things we used to make together is like a portal through time as I play my Christmas music and wipe the occasional tear whilst laughing and hamming up the singing, smearing pastry mix down my face (my husband is used to the scenario).

As ever, yesterday, I could feel her right beside me and frequently felt my eyes prick with happy appreciation of that link between me and her, my daughter and I, and all three of us together in our wonderful similarities (and glorious differences…), though those two never met. Somehow, I’m getting closer to the rootbed of such timeless feelings this year than when there was a lot of other distraction going on and they are immense, and expansive, offering such a powerful sense of how we are bigger than “all this that is going on”….yes, we are all SO MUCH BIGGER than it all, though we so quickly allow ourselves to feel small and defeated when we get carried away by all the sad and hopeless stories that are relentlessly hurled at us in order to keep us down; when we measure our lives in busyness, “normalness” and tradition and our idealisation of “things” when its the state of beingness that underlies them that really matters. Right now, I am being the best version of me and those that I love are being the best version of them and we feel connected in an unconditional place; that’s all that really matters. I won’t say its perfect, I have my down moments, things can be so challenging and I am a worrier when I let myself go but, mostly, I can sense all the ways that I have expanded in consciousness (rather than becoming more constricted than usual…) this last year. I have learned, amongst many things, that until we throw off bitterness or sense of victimhood at any level, we can only affect the outward impression of freedom, whatever our circumstances and, likewise, the reverse is true…we are entirely free just as soon as soon as we know this to be so.

The thing is, when we are, in many senses, locked down into a more constrained version of our lives, it’s not really a prison unless we say its so. I only have to think of Nelson Mandela (and I often do in this context) to KNOW its not so. Our best times yet lie just the other side of such a period, just as long as we don’t succumb to all the misery and woe, the popular mindset of “its all crap, cancel Christmas because its not really happening to our expectations” that we hear on the grapevine by those lamenting busier, more “normal” lives. It is most certainly happening, just as long as we say it’s happening and I, for one, won’t let anyone else decide that for me, since it’s a matter of the heart and a personal state, not a product to “have Christmas”. Winter solstice has long been my spiritual time, when I embrace all the mystery and potential of the universe, and Christmas is above all about love and deep appreciation, a celebration of what I already have, of family and home, a time for kindness and beneficence, of gratitude for all the precious little things that come so freely from nature and which, without the renewal of such gratitude, are all too easily taken for granted or destroyed. No one can take those feelings away from me; they are part of the very fabric of who I am and I take them all too seriously to consider allowing them a year off because of material circumstance.

Perhaps its because I have always preferred a quieter life, finding most value in that, that I struggle less than some people but its also this deep knowing, as follows…When we embrace going deep into what seems like a constricted state where all seems dark and limited, the very thoughts and images we have from within that state fuel our next iteration; like requests sent out from the full menu of the universe into the crucible of creation. Not a day goes by when I don’t send out the request for my own healing and the healing of this entire planet before I go to sleep at night and at many other opportunities, and I piece together in my mind and senses images and feelings of what that reality might look like, as best I can, to send forth with my request. That, combined with the fuel of so much love and gratitude for people, nature, a moment’s winter sun glinting off wet leaves on my walk, all the birds that come to my garden, the way light and shadow transform the familiar, a zillion little moments of wonderment and joy that come from keeping all my senses open, the sheer awe of noticing how my body regenerates, how things grow back, how nature renews and thrusts forwards, basically feeling so much appreciation for all of life, every minor miracle of continuation and renewal, makes a powerful basis for what I refer to as “imaginal behaviour”.

Because, when we do this, with trust and surrender, what we spark into life are our imaginal cells, just like the caterpillar has this very type of cell at work (look it up!), busy recreating its entire form into its future self, even as it lies there tightly bound and all-but imploding into wholesale darkness and mess inside its cocoon; only, the dismemberment of familiarity occurring inside there isn’t its doom taking shape, but the beginning…of what? Of something entirely new. When we spark those imaginal cells to life with our appreciation, the authenticity of our hearts and our LOVE, its as though we project the very essence of what we imagine, from the higher frequency of those places, onto some sort of vision board that starts to manifest as our future world; by sparking into life dormant DNA codes that were just waiting to be called upon. Just as the caterpillar summons to life new codes of beingness from the mass of disintegration that it has been undergoing during its darkest hour, we also summon forth new brightly colour wings on which to take to the skies, making our old land-lubbing world seem drab and so limited by comparison. At that point, will we still cry for the old “normal” or will we be so glad we kept going with our “unfounded” optimism through the mire?

But first we have to believe in this potential. First, we have to know…and I mean really know and TRUST…that our thoughts and focus make up our future. When we sit here licking the thorn in our paw for too long, the grim world of disappointment, of loss, of jadedness, of defeatism becomes our reality with all-too concrete-like qualities which, having found those prepared to join us in our woe, are only confirmed to us by the consensus of opinion we surround ourselves with in our daily conversations and newsfeed confirming that “these are all the ways life is now vile and stuck; life has lost all its meaning and joy”. Or, we go into our selves, our inner world and our domestic world, our heart and hearth this Christmas. It always fascinates me how “hearth”, such an enigmatic word, is a combination of both heart and earth, as in to draw our lofty heart down from the realms of the idealised (unrealised) so as to transform its visions into our manifest reality (realised); there is no more powerful, alchemical place for shifting worlds than that in which we spend all our time living and loving day after day. So we count all our blessings, noticing all the little things, seeing as with new eyes that are really the same eyes we always had, only now we have had the time to clear them, blinking away the slurry of a life too rushed, too external, too materially fixated in order to see clearer what is really and truly of value to our hearts, beyond any question of a doubt.

As we upgrade our perception of the world, so it upgrades its perception of us because it is as though we ourselves are reimagined into different form, different setting….one that feels almost immediately better and which starts to manifest, well, who know what just the other side of this darkest before the dawn moment, but lets not close down the sun before it starts to rise on a brand new day. Christmas, after all, is all about (re) birth.

Wishing you all such a peaceful, heart-centred and quietly rejuvenating Christmas and New Year.

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Counting these 2020 blessings

As we cross the threshold into a new phase, I’m doing my gratitude appraisal of the year, as ever…but with, perhaps, even more appreciation than ever. I think we all agree, its been an “interesting” year and yet there’s part of me…and not just me but (I think its fair to observe) many of those close to me…that is more robust, self-knowing and somehow worldly-wise, in the broader sense, than ever before.

For starters, we have been encouraged to get to know, and to stand by, our authentic selves more than ever this year and that makes me sit up and take notice. As does the fact I’ve been through such physically hard times on the health front and yet, after weeks of the most difficult time eliminating certain ingredients that, I have come to understand, have been potentially causing me severe health issues for years, I seem to have turned a corner with that detox process, whilst finding it impossible to ignore the mirror factor with how we have all, in a sense, been purging ourselves from unconscious lifestyle factors which we hardly noticed were doing us all harm until now. Better still, every hard experience I have had to endure in that health regard, this year, feels like it had a point to make so I find myself more aware and much more informed and responsive to my own specific health foibles now, with a new degree of joined-up thinking, and that also feels important, going forwards. Again, I sense that collectively, for all the hardships, we have come to know ourselves and our pitfalls somewhat better out of what has felt like a dark night of the soul. One could simply call it an increase of consciousness to what was already there or going on, but perhaps unnoticed or unacknowledged until it was spotlit by the year’s events.

There is, simply, a new state of calm and a sort of “preparedness” for the next phase in me now, without having to know what exactly I am prepared for and I imagine that “not having to know” factor is key to the turning of ages, leaping into the unknown yet pristine territory of a brand new era. Why do I keep going on about new eras? For that you will have to refer back to my earlier post Preparing to Meet Earth’s Higher Self regarding the momentous astrological line-up on 21/12 and, on the premise “as above so below”, we could say we are all preparing to meet, or realise, our own higher selves in the coming phase, hence the collective if rather messy detox process.

Just a few week ago I felt almost in a panic that 21/12 was nearly upon us yet I didn’t feel in any sort of good order to make the transition. Now, in perfect timing, I feel as though I can let go of such doubts and just allow myself to be ENOUGH as I am, ready to make the transition. I feel truly calm all through my system like never before. Perhaps we have all, in our way, reached that point of enough…a sort of tipping point in which we have each played our perfectly scripted roles this year (even at times when it felt like a badly rehearsed pantomime) and now we just have to show up at the threshold of change and declare that we are ready to step through it. Even though the Aquarian age won’t drop into groove overnight, it feels like we are ready for a fresh start of sorts (in a way that couldn’t have been said 12 months ago when so many were still invested in “the way things had always been”) and, for that reason, this year, with all its ups and downs, has been so important.

In my own little world, as I said, it feels as though I have now turned a page and, though its not as though all my health ardours are over, they are calming down and I don’t feel so out of my depth. There are times when I feel so markedly better I can’t recall when I last felt that way, like a bolt of light through dark clouds. Not only on the physical health front but on the emotional side of things, including the fact that (regarding some very old baggage) certain quite interesting circumstances have come about of late to allow me to purge some of those old wounded areas like never before, bringing a degree of closure that I would never have foreseen. As a parent, with both four bonus months spent together and even more months forcibly apart due to lockdown conditions, I have never felt more fulfilled as a parent or on such an intimate wavelength with my daughter and that brings me so much heartfelt joy, I can hardly articulate.

I am daily brimful of gratitude for the handful of individuals with whom I consider myself close and who are treasures more valuable than prize-pearls to me, nestled in the ever more gold-gilded setting of my life. Golden, not because of economic riches or even idyllic circumstances (no such conditionality here…) but because of a certain quality of radiance that tinges so much of what I am able to dial into via the little-everyday moments I spend appreciating nature, interacting with a handful of others on such deep and a meaningful level and being so acutely aware of frequencies including some that are remarkably high these days (skills I have had all my life but never so profoundly owned or valued). I was born inherently optimistic, come what may, and it is serving me well.

Lockdown Love album, 2020 (click to view)

This spring was a point in case. As the world plunged into lockdown and desperate confusion, I was one of those people who calmly chose a different path and now, I discover, there were quite a few of us (for evidence, see this recently published book The Consolation of Nature: Spring in the Time of Coronavirus, this article in Emergence Magazine from which I will insert a quote or two below, all the many nature Instagram-ers who concertedly increased their posts in 2020, the 2000% increase of people who turned their attention to nature podcasts run by the UKs 46 wildlife trusts and bigger audiences all round for nature blog and vloggers). Mark Cocker, who I follow on Twitter and Instagram (we chatted just the other day about our love of starlings!) tweeted on 18 April: “I’m posting an uplifting image each day till this thing is done. No coronas, no Covids, but possibly corvids” (hint to his books, Crow Country). Chris Packham and stepdaughter Megan, already favourites in our house, became regular personas over breakfast in the morning, breaking my no-viewing before evening rule as I tuned into their nature updates before setting off on one of my daily walks.

Lockdown Love album 2020 (click to view)

Collectively, we decided to love and appreciate life more not less and to take advantage of quieter roads and the glorious spring weather to share daily photos and insights into our beautiful natural world. What resulted, in my case, was over 30 consecutive days of photos shared on social media (and not just one picture per day…when have I ever been able to limit my enthusiasm thus!) and then a more adhoc continuation of that into what became a sizeable album Lockdown Love, now consisting of nearly 1000 photos of stunning 2020, shared on Flickr. Even after the “photos every day” urge had run its course, I continued to use my camera to dial into the appreciation vibe more often than usual, noticing things with more gratitude than ever, meaning that my camera roll now shows evidence of a TREMENDOUS year of nature engagement. Looking back, this year seems more radiant and richly-travelled than any of the years when I hopped on and off planes or travelled more often or farther afield…even though I have mostly remained within 3 miles of my home!

Lockdown Love album, 2020 (click to view)

On that topic, looking back, I do so with some personal satisfaction when I realise that, as a household, we have hit most of the criteria recommended for contributing to a greener future. No plane travel (and we intend to keep that the case for at least the next couple of years); hardly any use of a car (we have “filled up” no more than 4 or 5 times in a year!); along with eating a vegan diet, eating seasonally; shopping local and more frugally; wasting almost no edible food, composting what we can; switching to a green energy provider; carbon offsetting as many of my business practices, such as print service and delivery, as possible; wearing clothes for longer and washing on shorter, lower temperature cycles using eco products; using only eco washing and hand sanitising products; cutting free from fast fashion outlets (along with that entire “disposable” mentality!) whilst supporting well-made eco clothing options for our minimal requirements; thinking very carefully before sending things to landfill; recycling and donating so many of the things we sorted out of storage this year; line drying all our washing (we don’t even have a dryer any more!); turning the lights and heating down where possible and shifting our pensions and investments fully into the ethical market. In fact, though some of these initiatives had already been started prior to 2020, it’s been a milestone year for us on all those fronts.

These are great accomplishments but I also take seriously that they need to be a permanent way of life, so (with the help almost a year of deeply embedding them behind us like an apprenticeship) we are now thinking that way…onwards. After the hard-core trial of it all, coming to appreciate and make use of what we already have…more…including our home, when farther afield isn’t an option, it really doesn’t seem that bad, or too much to expect in return for a planet that is still here and thriving for our grandchildren!

Painting outside in 2020

On the art front, I have enjoyed a sweeping return to actual painting…with a brush!…after years where I had succumbed to the perfectionist part of me by indulging in digital art, using similar techniques as painting (yes), but always knowing that the outcome will be so much more pristine than is ever possible with paint. This year, pristine outcome seemed far less important than the process and I really NEEDED the escapism that painting can bring; knowing, of old, how it had got me through the darkest days of my health more than a decade ago, and of course I was right.

Not that digital art is now “dumped” but my desire to purse it is overshadowed by that familiar old fizz of excitement in my stomach, telling me its a good day to pull my chair into the light by the window and get those paint tubes out. And not that that has been much the case either since, most of the year, I was able to paint outdoors (from March until about mid September, some days shading myself from glorious sunshine and, others, wrapped up warm under cloud cover…both equally enjoyable in their way). These were some of my happiest, most contented and spiritually productive times for a LONG time. Imagine, two to three hours lost in all the nuances of colour and light on canvas, otherwise spent listening to birdsong or, sometimes with headphones playing wonderful music (which I have never appreciated more than this year, as per my last post), equally content to feel the draught of their wings as they flew right past my head to get to the feeder… there could have been no more heavenly way to spend my time and it fed deep into my psyche and dreams, my general sense of optimism and wellbeing (I am still drawing on the riches of those sensory memories from the “outdoors months”).

This was not just me being in denial or hiding from the world. While I still heard, though I tried for my own stability not to get too drawn into it, that so many people were in meltdown and strife “out there”, I chose to stick to my own lane for my own mental and physical wellbeing, knowing it to be crucial that I keep my precarious health steady and that I would be no use to anyone if I fell apart. I sent my compassionate thoughts, shopped local and independent where I could, gave away what I could in my clear-outs and played the listening ear where needed…but mostly I kept from the mainstream news headlines with their finger on the dial of everyone’s emotions, and I pursued these daily rituals of painting, walking, photography and, oh yes, dancing!

Dancing was the big promise I always made to myself, finally delivered….how many years had I told myself that I still had some dance in me left? It began the day before my birthday, way back in April, with a tentative jiggle around to a song that particularly spoke to me and, since then, it has evolved hugely and I have danced virtually every day, often twice in a day. Even at times when I have had one of my Ehlers Danlos flare-ups and been in extreme pain, even when the stability and resilience of the very joints that hold me upright was in question, I have often managed to do some sort of movement to music that helped me to process through the pain and to keep my spirits up-spiralling, my body from locking-up. It has been nothing short of tremendous, one massive affirmation of my fullest-ever commitment to keep working at BEING in this human body of mine until I am a very old woman, regardless of the daily challenges and quite undefined by them.

The Foil for High Walls, 2020 www.helenwhite.org – I really wanted to allude to what it takes to soften and transform the very high walls we tend to live with and surrounded by in our world and this flamboyant, somewhat unruly, creative and colourful floral display, which still has a cohesion all of its own, really did it for me. For contrast, imagine how such a high brick wall would look without it. and now consider how this applies to our world, both literally and metaphorically. In what ways could we soften our walls?⁠

The way light tends to be so attracted to natural, organic forms and then held thus amplified by them does all of the metaphorical work for me in this painting. While there are still undeniable depths and shadows, these only contribute to the overall effect and then, of course, the door through the wall is seldom covered over; in fact the organic so often leads the way towards it.⁠

There is something of that same spirit in the reason I returned to painting over digital. That perfectionist part of me, a long-time tripping point, is (at last) more comfortable with its human imperfections and limitations because they only highlight another layer of beauty via the vulnerability that is prepared to be authentic and sincere in its expression, warts and all. No longer reaching for the pristine, I am finally prepared to accept that, though I may still possess limitations, I can always reach for the very best that I can deliver, whether in my dancing, my art, my contributions to the world or my interactions with other people…just by simply offering up my best in that very moment. The result is so often a kind of beauty that, by design, eludes perfection because it is born of the human quality, and it is just such a quality that is now coming into ripeness, ready to be taken through the portal into the new era. We were never designed to become some flawless and uniform species, like mass-produced robots, as we step into our more futuristic selves (whatever the agenda driven advertising trends may try to impart to us), but to become more accepting of and gracious in the delivery of our sincerest human individualities and quirks. Painting unleashes my quirks and speaks most authentically from my heart, which is good for me and sometimes powerful for others, which is a bonus.

Light Will Always Find You, 2020 www.helenwhite.org – what I wanted to get across was that light always has this way of coming to us, wherever we happen to be. The interior is meant to look quite shadowy or gloomy, a half-light in the middle of the day, yet that only makes the window’s radiance shine out all the more.

It also uplifts me, I won’t deny it, to register that more people have engaged with and purchased the products of my art this year than had been the case since I took the leap to leave high street galleries and put my business online several years ago (when my one favourite gallery closed and I realised I had lost the stamina to engage with any others…they can be notoriously hard work and commercially aggressive to deal with, which is not a good fit to the way my art is inspired). I won’t deny, the interim years have been a struggle and reduced my art back down to the level of a hobby but this year has seen a slight uptick and that tells me something about where people are putting their focus now…not so much towards the “trendy” aspirational but, perhaps, considering what they really value and want to surround themselves with on a daily basis, in their homes. When I create art, the driving force is to help people see a little bit of the beauty and radiance that I see in the world and, when that intention is reciprocated, it tells me that other people are also eager to see the light-tinged edges of this reality, which is so optimistic for me to notice. Though I won’t deny that 2020 themes have coloured my painting themes, its not been in the way you might expect and my optimism, as ever, shines though as per examples here.

Golden Breakthrough, 2020 www.helenwhite.org – What came through was a desire to depict a kind of crack in realities and a first glimpse of a new golden reality, as it were, spilling in over the edges of the old, like molten gold. Obviously, its a view of dramatic clouds from a high up place but there is also a sense of looking down through clouds towards a golden earth, so you can have it either way…the main premise is one of great optimism and its interesting to me now that I painted it during a time of great fear and uncertainty in the world.⁠

This has also been the year I got my act together to open a more coherent online shop for my various art-related products and prints and that has gained some steady orders…not loads, but more than I had a year ago. Whilst I don’t do this expecting to gather a fortune or huge attention, nor are those things even a top ten incentive, it helps to be validated in your efforts by some sort of positive feedback and that seems to be coming, also via the licensing sales. It always fascinates me to see which parts of the world are responding most to my art; seems Germany is a hot-spot along with the USA more so than the UK but at least it is getting out there somewhere, plus I continue to receive some heartwarming feedback, and that is all I have ever wanted to do…put my positive spin out there into the world.

I could go on; there is so much good to say about 2020 though I know its not a positive stance (though a very common one amongst introverts, autistic people and highly sensitive types, some of whom have thrived in the slowing down of pace and ability to withdraw to the much-preferred domain of home over office – see some examples below). Certainly, for me, there has been an element of remembering to “come home to oneself” more often and remaining centred, this year. The world, as it was, seemed to be so dominantly geared for spinning us off our axis with all its distractions and demands and its a timely reminder, even for those who resisted the pull-back, that it all begins and ends with ourselves, our one true home, true north, the place where we create external realities with our attitudes and preoccupations. Some of us suspected this all along and, for us, it was a chance to newly thrive, with far less pressure or expectations from the outside whilst getting to work with what we do best; creating from our hearts.

The thing is, as a time for pause and recalibration (whatever we happen to think of it) I suspect its been a necessary year and though I haven’t lived in a bubble or had head in sand, I also haven’t chosen to allow my vibe to be dragged down by the news, have kept out of other peoples’ tail-spins, knowing these are more infectious than the virus itself and I have reminded myself, often, that I can only do what I can do. This is important to know: sometimes, just being the one to hold-up the positive vibe is THE most important thing we can contribute and very highly necessary in these unstable times. All too easy to join the majority plunging down into the mosh pit of panic and negativity, but to do so is to give away all of your power whereas holding up the light helps make sure there is still a brighter world to step into when we are all ready for it. Though we are a way from things slowing down or seeming less chaotic on the world stage (I give that at least another couple of years to run its course!), I do strongly suspect we are about to get into a different groove and I’m ready and eager for it….hoping we can all join each other there.

Some quotes from other 2020 thrivers:

About The Consolation of Nature: Spring in the Time of Coronavirus – Michael McCarthy, Jeremy Mynott and Peter Marren

Nature took on a new importance for many people when the coronavirus pandemic arrived, providing solace in a time of great anxiety – not least because the crisis struck at the beginning of spring, the season of light, growth, rebirth and renewal.

Three writers, close friends but living in widely separated, contrasting parts of the country, resolved to record their experiences of this extraordinary spring in intimate detail, to share with others their sense of the wonder, inspiration and delight the natural world can offer.

The Consolation of Nature is the story of what they discovered by literally walking out from their front doors.

The Coronavirus Pandemic and the Invisibility of Nature – Michael McCarthy

“Yet perhaps the most significant way of all in which nature has come back to us during the pandemic is that people have turned to it themselves. This was very noticeable in Britain, where, in a remarkable conjunction, the first lockdown coincided with the loveliest spring that has ever been recorded in the UK. The British spring of 2020 had more hours of sunshine, by a very substantial margin, than any previous recorded spring; indeed, it was sunnier than any previously recorded British summer except for three. It meant that, just as working life in the human world was hitting the buffers, life in the natural world was flourishing as never before, and this almost certainly intensified the renewed interest in nature from people seeking lockdown diversions. Their numbers, it is clear, were substantial.

The gift of lockdown for introverts:

For some of us, nearing half the population, we really do “do better” when we have more peace and quiet around us, less outside interference or demands and the chance to follow our own musings, from which we often do our best work.

Why lockdown is a gift for introverts like me, Jim Duffy:

Having spent decades having to put up with noisy people, this period of confinement is absolute heaven. I don’t believe that being an introvert is a handicap or ailment. No, it’s just a different way that we are wired up that leads us to seek the shelter of our own space and our own heads. And noisy, loud and extroverted folks cause us great pain. Not in a toothache way or slip and hurt a knee fashion. No, it’s more like a teacher scrapping her long nails slowly and deliberately down an old style blackboard that screeches at high pitch. This noise creates a judder right down the spine and almost makes one shiver. That is what it is like being on a train with loud and extroverted people. Excruciating.

There is method in the madness to how an introvert seeks solace in public spaces. They will of course be quiet and observe people or read or quietly listen to private music. No loud conservations on mobile phones like extroverts do, chewing the fat with people who are not even in the coffee shop.

Lockdown gift for people with autism:

I was overjoyed to shelter at home – Danielle Sullivan:

The pandemic has certainly been stressful for my family in a lot of ways, but it has completely reinvigorated me personally. I spend less time worrying about everyone else and more time on a schedule that I like…How could I fail to be grateful for such an opportunity?

…The world has slowed down to a pace we finally feel we can manage, after lifetimes of constant overwhelm….But before the virus, before isolation, I spent so much energy trying not to drown in a world that isn’t built for my energy style, and my sensory needs. There were so many obligations to other people that there wasn’t enough time for me.

Lockdown gift to HSPs:

Thriving during a pandemic as an HSP can be frought with challenges and may depend on whether you have family or trusted ones close to you and/or whether you get caught up in feeling all the increased agro and fear of uncertainties that is going on in the world outside your immediate surroundings. I have at least one HSP city-dwelling friend who felt overwhelmed and quite paranoid about going outside her door, even for walks, due to her sensitivities to all the negative vibes unleashed this year. However, in similar ways to the introverted personality type, there can be huge benefits to pulling back in to the home, as described by the HSP parent in this post An HSP mom turns covid surviving into covid surviving:

Being a Highly Sensitive mom can be overwhelming and exhausting when I have to be mentally available all the time. But this period that I’m able to spend with my family at home is allowing me to take a breath of fresh air and bring our lives down to a slower pace. Although we are not perfect at sticking to these new routines, it is so nice not having to be rushing out to soccer practise, or swimming, or any other of the commitments we all fill out lives with.  We get to just be home, play games, blow bubbles, and watch the sun go across the sky, and best of all we get to enjoying being a family.

The gift of lockdown to creatives:

The legibility of loneliness: Why the lockdown has been a gift to this designer of book covers. Describing his process, book cover designer Ahlawat Gunjan could equally be describing a truism of all of life’s dilemmas; they all come back to the subjective push pull and for that we really need valuable time alone, whether we are an artist or someone who would benefit from time spent getting to know themselves and their true purpose and priorities in life:

I realised that whether it’s work or real life, the real battle during designing a cover is the one you fight with yourself. And you have to do it, all alone. Every time I sit down to start a new project, the real dilemma that I face while designing is totally mine. There is a lot of internal push and pull between the variables.

The gift of lockdown for nature:

How lockdown as been a gift for Ganga (and there are many such stories):

The coronavirus lockdown may have forced us to stay indoors, but it’s been a boon for the environment. With industries shut and people staying indoors, nature seems to be in rejuvenation mode. Studies show how air qualities have improved and rivers are cleaner.

Nature got us through lockdown. Here’s how it can get us through the next one:

The natural world was available to us, even at such a traumatic time. It had not been thrown off course, it had not been knocked out by the pandemic, by this great world-historical event that was making 2020 a lost year in human affairs. At this time of chaos in the world of people, nature was a constant. The Covid-19 virus had wrecked, if only temporarily, so many human artefacts; it had stopped business, trade, travel, sport, education, entertainment and social gatherings of all kinds – but it hadn’t stopped the spring. In nature, 2020 was not a lost year. Just the opposite.

The lockdown gift of letting go of FOMO (fear of missing out):

This is a uniquely modern source of stress that my daughter mentioned to me during the time she locked down with us. She observed that she felt calmer and even happier because not only was she leading her chosen introvert lifestyle but she no longer felt subliminally anxious that her peers were doing things without her and that she was somehow out of the loop. During her school years, when she also preferred to be at home studying, pursuing her hobbies etc rather than endlessly out on the town with all the other girls her age, she had been plagued with dread that she was the odd one out but now she was able to relax that she was really no different to everyone else, for once.

Had things really got that superficial in the pre-lockdown world? Well, yes and the endless social media hosted comparison games of projecting yourselves “living your best life” to all and sundry had only fed the fire of it. Described in this article ‘Lockdown Relief’: Why some people are thriving during the pandemic:

There is also a group of people who are just feeling what experts have labelled “lockdown relief”. These are people who, pre-COVID, felt they had to constantly keep up appearances, demonstrate productivity, they had to be at every event, it was necessary for them to be seen, and found themselves feeling relieved that their internal need to perform was now moot.

Because they have been given permission to do what they want to do, they’ve discovered that this way of life was exhausting and unnecessary.

So many younger professionals who have been feeling happier during the pandemic say they have way less FOMO (fear of missing out), which is making it easier to focus on their own happiness and prioritizing their own interests.

Some families who lived an extremely busy and complex life before COVID found that the reduction in running around to various extra-curriculars was a major relief.

If all of those people who have felt, in various ways, some degree of relief in 2020 are to be accounted for, the world as it was clearly did not offer a true reflection of…or a place for…all these people, many of whom felt pressured into faking it in order to get on with their lives, but at what cost to their wellbeing and long-term health. As for nature, the very fact that human beings’ loss has been nature’s gain speaks volumes!

One feels there is so very much to learn from all of these “other sides of the coin” and, if we can all do that, pooling the information and building new methods and priorities from it as we reconstruct our post covid world, we will have gained very much indeed from what has been such an unforgettable year.

Posted in Art, Art as a business, Art metaphor, Art purpose, Art technique, Art transformation tool, Consciousness & evolution, Health & wellbeing, Life choices, Menu, Nature, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Thank you music, you keep me flowing

I honestly don’t know what I would have done this year without music!

I mean, REALLY, I don’t have a clue how I would have got through…but, thankfully, I didn’t have to and, I have to say, my deep appreciation for musicians, for resources like Spotify, and for the sheer creativity, vision and determination that guides people to make music and share it with other people, in spite of all the hardships, has never been higher than it is right now. I am in awe and so so so much GRATITUDE.

That said, I am going to keep the words of this post to a minimum whilst sharing some of the music that I rate so very highly in 2020; as in, out of just soooo much music I have available to indulge myself with (I have extremely diverse taste, which ebbs and flows like a winding river through different landscapes and genres all the time, and such an appetite for new discoveries as well as old favourites), these albums share the loose title “transformational music”, in my opinion. As in, they go way beyond being a pleasant distraction or something to tap your foot to but, rather, deep into the senses, into the psyche and the soul where they do profound healing work and facilitate powerful shifts, even as you give yourself over to them for the pure enjoyment. In other words, similar to certain visual arts, you can be busy enjoying yourself, feeding your senses with something enjoyable and, meanwhile, great healing and upliftment takes place quite easily and effortlessly as an almost sideline. Collectively, I suspect, we never needed access to that facility more than at this moment.

Now, I can be such a music obsessive that I don’t often let the cat out of the bag in my writing (for fear of becoming a bore), though I have written about Kate Bush many times, including quite recently in my post Jig of Life and the Ninth Wave , because of how that long standing relationship with her music has helped me navigate these “interesting” times. So I step into this topic cautiously, knowing we don’t all share the same taste in music; but all I ask is that, if you bother reading this at all, you follow through on any curiosity I happen to incite by clicking on the links, because you just don’t know what you might be missing out on otherwise; which is how I tend to approach my endless voyages of musical discovery. I LOVE to curate music and create endless playlists which are freely available to listen to on Spotify but all I can do here is walk the horse to the water, your choice if you decide to drink. So, this is just a few of the highlights of my year, focussing on “newer” artists that have recently impacted me in a very big way and I will try to keep this post to the top half dozen, with some links to where you can sample anything that takes your interest.


First and foremost, not only because the music has affected me so deeply but because I know Lee (he has purchased two pieces of my art, I have attended his courses, we chat on social media and met in person back in 2013) so I have closely tracked just how much passion and vision he has poured into this project, along with his partner in music Davor Bozic, my album of the year is Lee and Davor’s newly released album “Awaken” (full album stream here on YouTube). Those of us that follow Lee’s work have been in eager anticipation for this album because we are familiar with some of the tracks, in more pared-back versions, from his monthly offerings but this beautifully produced album takes the music to a whole other level of cohesion and power. It is honestly the most astonishingly beautiful, multifarious album; one that defies categorisation so it really just begs to be experienced rather than “described”.

Lee was “hearing melodies and songs in the ether”, writing music and singing even before he became the energy intuitive and teacher he is now so well-know for being but watching him spend more and more time on this great passion has been such an inspiration as a fellow artist, not least because he has shared so publically the very process by which he and Davor came to create this collaborative album. In fact, Lee’s resources for creative types wanting to bring their gifts out into the world are second-to-none, for which I recommend his Impact the World series of podcasts (subscribe via YouTube and Spotify), in which he interviews creatives and visionaries and shares his own unique teachings on the topic…one delicious episode per week…so these also helped get me though my year!

On that topic, I heartily recommend this podcast interview between Lee and Davor to understand their joint creative process better. Davor is the most remarkable and unique musical genius and such a fascinating and contagiously inspiring person to listen to. The way he infuses the sounds he mixes with high-frequencies, tuning to the 528 Hz known as “the miracle note”, and layering musicians, voices and sounds causes me think of him as a sort of musical Merlin performing alchemy. As I shared before, when I included the track “All Who Walk the Earth” in one of my other posts, this music evidently holds the power to affect people very deeply (I was astonished by the unexpected effect this track had on me the very first time I heard it and the rest of the album works similar magic, each track in a different way). As I’ve got to know the album very well indeed over many listens, new layers of all the many ways it coerces layers of my own awareness to the surface have emerged and I can honestly say there is no other album like it; it is its own genre. Impossible, really, to chose a favourite track but “This is the Voice” moves me so profoundly that it has become a track that I use most to release all those parts of me that have ever felt hidden, shut down or silenced using my dance movements. The best thing I can do is recommend you put on headphones (best way to listen), lie back (give it full attention) and listen with all your senses and no prior expectations; which you can do on, YouTube, Spotify or by downloading from all the usual channels or via leeharrismusic.com

The second artist I’m going to mention is one introduced by Lee in an interview with Chris Assaad (you can watch the replay here), whose album “Lion” was released the very same day as “Awaken”. So, at the time I had not heard of Chris and the album was quite new to me (that was just a couple of weeks ago) and, already, its one of my most played albums of 2020…its just so affecting, but in a completely different way to “Awaken”. A pivotal topic of the interview was how do we set about the creative process of bringing projects forward into the world with a certain positive intention and how do these then impact upon those people who receive them or how do we get them out to their intended audience, not least during these times. About 50 minutes in (because I had contributed to the live discussion), Lee mentions how we met, my art and how much it affects him to have around in his house and I was so moved and up-motivated to get such an enthusiastic mention, which is another side of the equation of how we receive and show appreciation for art. Its not about ego; we all need that encouragement and the feeling that those who benefit from our offerings, thus, to whom we give value are prepared to give value back by sharing this with their tribe to spread the word and its always something I try to do via my constant sharing, reviewing and (as here) writing. Its one of the gifts of the way music is broadcast these days that I like to follow the music trails of what other people who share aspects of my taste are listening to or can recommend and this means of passing the good news around feels extremely organic, you could say feminine, like the flow of a meandering river with many offshoots.

So there is that side to these emerging genres of music and the way they tend to be more “indie” in their production and distribution, as in, they have this underwritten feminine quality as compared with the traditional music industry and its heavy handed marketing practices. Yet Lee also describes “Lion” as having a spiritually muscular quality and I would concur as I get what he means because, to me, it captures the very essence of the Sacred Masculine, distilled into music. The opening track “Lion” is especially powerful and I often use it to evoke the masculine aspect of myself in my dance practice, especially at times when I really need that half of my whole to step into my healing process because I am feeling extra weak or challenged…and it works, like magic, to bring back in some courage and resilience.

In fact, “music as medicine” is one of the phrases that Chris uses a lot and is a concept that is picking up some momentum out there in the music world, where more and more people are seeking spiritual nourishment from the arts, which has certainly been my intention as a visual artist for the longest time. As someone who lives with chronic physical pain, I turn to music as daily medicine and its of supreme importance to me that the music I listen to be high vibe so that it gets to model for me the frequency I may have temporarily slipped out of and to hold my hand in getting back there; it then infuses me with the frequency of love, which is (as I know from direct experience) the healing bandwidth in which all things are possible; trajectories can be altered and timelines jumped in that place.

Combined with just how uplifting and life-affirming every track of the “Lion” album is, with a distinctive upbeat quality that I now know is very much Chris’ style, having explored his back catalogue, I can honestly say this album has a quality all its own and perhaps one that is especially needed at this point in our collective evolutionary process. It was produced and contributed to by the wonderfully talented Joby Baker, who I have been so fortunate as to see perform in concert with Deva & Miten and Manose contributes his unmistakable bansuri playing to one of the tracks. In a way that I almost can’t put into words, this album has been with me and empowered me at a very deep level since I found it, a little more with every listen, and from it I gain both physical and spiritual stamina, I guess I am saying. I have witnessed the landscape of so-called “spiritual music” morph considerably from what was largely a trend of “massage music”, sitars or mantra a few years ago into something quite fresh and dynamic over the last couple of years, and “Lion” deserves to be at the very top of any recommendations I could make to someone newly exploring the territory. The good news is that “Lion” is also freely available in its entirety on YouTube as well as via chrisassadmusic.com – here is the title track.

The next new offering, also released very recently, although their collaboration started a few months ago, when the track Surrender helped dance me through the very early stages of lockdown, comes from Jahnavhi Harrison and Willow. I had the very good fortune to experience Jahnavhi performing in person at London’s Union Chapel a few years ago during Deva Premal and Miten’s Temple at Midnight tour and was quite blown away on the spot. Her album “Like a River to the Sea” instantly became a much-played favourite in our household (the track “Like a River” was included in one of my earlier posts) so I was extremely eager to hear about these new offerings in 2020. The second collaboration with Willow came out last month as a 6-track EP Rise (find all tracks on Spotify) and is as diverse and beautiful as it is consistent with the quality of the earlier album. Jahnavhi’s ability to make mantra and sacred music accessible, relevant and so exquisitely listenable is such a gift; one that comes straight from the heart of the tradition of Bhakti yoga (which incorporates singing your devotion) that she follows.

When it comes to this other relative newcomer in my collection, though she has been releasing crowdfunded music since 2017, I am hard pushed to choose a particular album from Swedish artist Fia, so I would just say “try them all” (there are three). Or, try the song Breathe, which she describes as a time capsule of her experiences during the pandemic, including the repeat lyric “Keep your spirits high, you were born ready for these times” (which, in hindsight, has pretty much been my self-mantra for the year) plus there are other samples on that webpage I just linked. A combination of extremely unique voice, pared back delivery and such meaningful and crisply truthful words, which feel as though they come straight from my own mouth as a straight-thinking awakening woman, makes her particular sound so extremely appealing and easy to surrender to, almost like melodious mantra. Needing some urgent replenishment just the other day, I was able to sink down into some pillows with Fia in my ears and find myself both following her words yet surrendering into something far deeper and more rejuvenating. Just try her if you’re curious.

I’m going to add in a very recent addition to my playlists Amber Lily whose activist spirit is as uplifting as it is a call to pay attention to what is going on in the world. Her bio describes her as “both wildly inspired and heartbroken by the state of the world” and her music “a call to reclaim health & wholeness, her voice a salve for personal & social wounds”. Yes, I have found all of that and, a little bit like “Lion”, I find the effect is to make me feel more courageously aware of my powerful feminine qualities, which has the effect of unifying with me with the “the situation” of our world in a way that isn’t the overwhelming, powerless muddle presented by the common media. I can happily listen to this music on loop while I am painting and the effect isn’t to drum my down by lift me up. The song “Woman” is what first drew me in (what a voice, such a great rhythm, and its now one of my most used dancing tracks) but I also love this lyric, so in sync with the themes of this post, from the song “Water Song” – “You cant change the fate of the river to make it to the ocean”. The video of “Woman” is really worth watching, you women!

Though an incongruos seeming addition to this spiritually oriented mix, I’m going to include “country” genre Patty Griffin’s 2017 self-named album here because it shares something of the same “transformational” quality, in my view. Perhaps this stems from the fact it is the first album from Patty, whose earlier work I had already explored long before I came across this one, since recovering from breast cancer, because this album has phoenix rising stamped all over it (including the album artwork); a quality we all need right now as we seek to rise up from the flames of extreme entropy. Already such a unique voice and powerful delivery, there is that particular quality to this offering that I so often find in the music of women who have “been through stuff”; which, if it doesn’t snuff them out, tends only to make them stronger, richer, wiser and more powerfully catalystic (think mature Joni Mitchell…) and its all here in this album. The track “River”, especially, always moves me for encompassing the formidable, indefatigable, entirely unfathomable feminine qualities I can most relate to:


Isn’t she a river?
Doesn’t need a diamond to shine
You can’t really have her
But you can hold her for a time
Takes an army just to bend her
Be careful where you send her
Cause you can’t hold her back for long
A river is just too strong
And she’s a river
Arms made out of silver
Moving in a crooked line
Carrying some dreamers
Off into the end of time
You don’t need to save her
Or teach her to behave
Just let her arms unwind
Ever changing and undefined
She’s a river
You can ride her easy when she’s slow
Walk across her when she’s low
Follow wherever she goes
She’s a river
Run for cover when she’s mad
Drown in her tears when things are bad
Don’t you ever forget it that
She’s a river
Isn’t she a river?
Doesn’t need a diamond to shine
So people call you clever
But she’s been here a long, long time
And she’s seen so many faces
And places down the line
Been left for dead a million times
Keeps coming home
Arms open wide
Ever changing and undefined
She’s a river

“River” – Patricia J Griffin

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“Empress” – Mishka Westell

I recently set about creating a playlist of tracks from various artists on the topic of womanhood entitled “She” (you can find it here…still work in progress) and it was fascinating to notice just how many of the tracks were about, or mentioned, rivers (going back to Jahnavi’s first album “Like a River to the Sea” and Amber Lily’s “Water”). I should add, I was so taken with the artwork “Empress” on the cover of this album (see that river flowing, and the phoenix rising…) that I have ordered a limited edition print of it straight from the artist Mishka Westell and look forward to it gracing my wall.

I’m itching to add more to this list but I’m going to build myself a dam around this post or I will be gushing all day. If you are tempted to explore any of my recommendations, I really hope you get at least half the deep enjoyment that I am getting from them because that would be such a lot. Meanwhile, if there are any artists or creatives that have impacted your year and kept your spirits upspiraling, why not think about offering them a plug, a positive review (I always take the time to positively review other artists on as many platforms as I can), sharing them around with your friends with a few words about how they have deeply affected you and so on; this is all how we continue to encourage the arts through these precarious times, keeping the positive vibe swelling and impacting more and more people with the positivity and healing potential that will get us all through.

Posted in Art, Artists, Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Health & wellbeing, Menu, Music & theatre, Personal Development, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Being diverse; my life in training

Autism isn’t how most people imagine it and there are still such a lot of distorted beliefs and stigma attached, which creates a culture where diagnosis is missed or even avoided. I am autistic, yet it took me 51 years to realise (or own) this and it is still work-in-progress to come to understand although, in hindsight, its sign-posts are littered everywhere across my life so its hardly “new” to me. It feels timely to share how “being different” can affect a person in this blog where I’ve mentioned it relatively little (rather than my health one Living Whole, where autism is already a main topic) because this subject is everywhere right now, and rightly so. 

Being accepted for who you are is a birthright; one, so often, denied to so many people, not always because of malice so much as cultural ignorance, and the time is ripe for change across all these areas. If unity consciousness is what lies ahead, its not due to happen by streamlining people into sameness but by accepting them all, equally, within a rainbow spectrum of variant expressions within that single unified whole, whereas discrimination, in all its forms, fragments individuals from that whole, leaving them feeling isolated and, actually, depriving that whole of their valuable input. In other words, in the case of non-inclusion, the rest of the world misses out, thus remains fragmented, too. I suspect much of what I am about to share could apply to others who consider themselves diverse, not just in an autism sense and, in that, I am finding in myself a whole new awareness of unity with other diverse groups of late; a progression that feels distinctly related to the burgeoning unity consciousness on this planet.

The thing is, no two people with autism are the same, as is the case with everyone else; we each have our unique signature or blueprint. Most of my a-typical traits show up in my autonomic nervous system, although my executive function and social abilities are certainly affected, along with some quirky ways that I seem to process information, so it was relatively “easy” for me to squirrel away my differences, even (perhaps especially) as a young child. Its a well-recorded trait that females with Asperger’s can become exceptionally skilled at over-compensating for their autistic traits, diligently learning “appropriate” behaviours and keeping their hardships to themselves rather than expose themselves as different. Because, as has been a focal point regarding other discriminated-against divergent sub-types of people over the last few years, we must all surely know now just how poorly “differences” are tolerated in our society. Similarly, it has been a case of pure survival necessity for those able to hide their autism traits (even without knowing what they are) to do so, rather than risk marginalisation, discrimination and a myriad of false assumptions being made.

In my case, I learned very early on in my life to fiercely guard my intellect and also, I now realise, my special sensory abilities. Something in me told me that if I were to expose areas where I struggled or was “odd”, sweeping assumptions would be made about about what I could and couldn’t do and about what, in my situation, constituted a “handicap” which, in a lot of cases, is just a code for “something that doesn’t conform to so-called normal”. This then leads to pigeon-holing and correction tactics, for instance special coaching in normalisation behaviours and even drug therapies. How did I even know this when I was small? I just felt the strongest instinct not to expose myself and that the consequences would work against me; that they would, at the very least, include being held behind with some of the very children who already made my life especially hard, so I always had the incentive to fly way above other people’s heads as my best likelihood of thriving. What a powerful instinct that turned out to be! Something in me always seemed to know that interventions to correct the “way I am” should be avoided at all costs; that too much stood to be lost if I let them happen to me…and, in hindsight, my instincts were correct.

Because, in many ways, I’ve had such a good life; have created for myself scenarios that would not have been remotely possible without all my constant striving, not to be “successful”, but to create a gentle niche where I could live out my days doing the kinds of things I enjoy with someone who understands me, and now I find myself there. My unique sensory and perceptual abilities and my creativity have never been quashed (well, not for very long; there was a time…) but have, rather, been allowed to flourish unpruned because of this non-intervention; and “all” it took was giving the impression that I was always on top of things. Meaning I maintained, for years, this gigantian effort to pretend I was just like everyone else and found life a breeze, even though much of it has been like swimming up-stream, only to find the stream keeps getting longer.

So, I worked extra hard at my school work, I kept my head down, I strove to please all the adults I had dealings with, went above and beyond with my efforts (“she’s so conscientious” was always my unchanging school report) and I hid my traits under shyness and geekiness. Later, I turned to trying to navigate my way using my special interests, my artsiness and bizarre sense of humour to find my tribe, which got me through university (the one place where my autistic sensibilities seemed to be most applicable, at home and accepted…) and, later still when “serious” adult life risked the worst exposures yet, I turned to alcohol and a cultivated image of subtle rebelliousness or bohemian quirkiness to cover up my social ineptness, my physical clumsiness, my often searing awareness of sensory things and a myriad of other oddities that pained me so on the inside.

Meanwhile, every normal “responsible” adult thing was an almighty effort, beyond this well-rehearsed affectation of coping; hinted at by just how many years and attempts it took to pass my driving test (I became great at driving, once I had rehearsed it enough times to turn it into a series of moves but, like many other executive functions, oh the effort to get there and I still couldn’t show anyone else how to do it). Or, how dealing with more and more prestigious people at work, trying to intuit their expectations or even half-way meet them in some socially acceptable way, became like having layers of skin removed one by one, leaving me redder and rawer from the experience each time. People employed me because I was highly intelligent, articulate (if the wind was in the right direction…), uber-well organised and extremely…that word again…conscientious but my oh-so baffling dealings with other people took everything I had and the time bomb was already ticking as to how long I could continue to squirrel all this away in order to cope with the subterfuge of seemingly normalised life.

The toll of learning to be acceptable, to behave like others do, to share their often quite narrow priorities and interests, of seeming confident in social settings only to go home prepared to dissect every word and deed for hours or days afterwards, always learning the hard way how to do better at fitting-in or carrying-off necessary social scenarios (without feeling any nearer to understanding why these hoops were necessary to be jumped through in the first place), is a heavy one after three or four decades. Perhaps the hardest setting in which to pull this off this was the corporate one; it almost destroyed me in just two years of trying to conform to its unfathomably straightjacket-like and oddly-prioritised rules and behaviours, the oh-so bizarre methods people used to impress each other and those that got trampled underfoot. That was when my health finally crashed.

Yet in the tangled ball of colourful wool that was left of me at the end, I eventually found a route back to my autistic self, though its been 16 years in the making. Its been easier for the fact I no longer have to mingle, there are almost no social settings I need to be part of unless by choice, so I have been (finally) let-off free to be myself for just long enough to start discovering the many gifts I’ve been shielding beneath all the growing rubble of a difficult life path. Hardships, yes…galore…but also so many gifts.

So in autism, I newly discover (against the grain of my own cultural training) that there are many shortcomings when it comes to fitting into the world “as it currently is”, an important caveat to include, but there is also a great deal of giftedness. Those gifts don’t read like a CV but they make me into the sensory and perceptual colour-bomb that I am. I don’t just feel and see things in 2 or 3D; for me, there are multi-dimensions to everything and it all joins up, in unfathomable ways (no chance, if you want me to describe them) yet I can sense those connections….in everything and between everything, all the time, not least my own connection to all of the people that make up the neuroptypcial world and their connection to me. Neither of us is better or right, nor are we worse or wrong. We are all part of a vast wholeness that knows no end and in which we are all necessarily included. No one thing is here to be told its faulty and needs to conform, to be coached back into conformity with someone else’s idea, nor to be wing-clipped by definitions and narrow expectations. Each of us is exceptional; and, thank goodness, each in different ways…it will be the saving of us.


This post wrote itself this morning and felt like an important one to add to Spinning the Light because my recently discovered autism has been such an ever-present topic over on my other blog yet hardly mentioned here. Important to mention that the word “autism” is itself a clue; as in (before the word came into common use within the health context) this is what you might have found in a dictionary: “The word “autism” comes from the Greek word “autos,” which means “self.” It describes conditions in which a person is removed from social interaction. In other words, they become an “isolated self.” Only in a world where ever-bigger social engagement and corporate-style collaboration or its popular euphemism “teamwork” have been made into the be-all-and-end-all trained into us from birth; where those who do better working in solitary and, in fact, thrive or realise their greatest, and often quite considerable, potential when they do so, are deemed to be broken in some way does autism, per se, constitute “a problem”. 

Which is not to deny that it can be a challenging condition in many ways (from where I stand, being neurotypical offers challenges and vast limitations too) but to focus on that is to miss the whole point I am trying to make. I can only speak for myself but I honestly feel as though I have just so much to explore from the inside out and, being in a “team” or beset with external responsibilities only distracts and exhausts me when everything inme longs to plunge the whole universe I have access to within. No, its not “good for me” to be forced to practice being more neurotypcical; it only tortures me far more than I can describe. Which is not to say I don’t look around me or have healthy close relationships but the true richness comes from that inner domain and my default is to want to be in there. In fact, I am capable of staying more present, without the need for constant entertainment or titillation, than most people I have ever met but I demand the right to prioritise my own specialism, which is categorically not to spend a lot of time “out there” trying to be more like other people, but concentrating on being me.

Now, just because that might be different and perhaps not even relatable to a lot of people does not make it any more wrong than my sexual orientation or the colour of my skin, for instance. It’s a similar argument to that currently being made by introverts (I’m one of those too) in a world largely dictated to by extroverts. In other words, being diverse has got to be allowed, as a valid possibility, from the moment we are born, which takes a new kind of culture; one that has reached a whole new stage of maturity and with emphasis to that word “whole”.

In my case, coming to find the autistic piece of the puzzle has been the single most influential thing of my health journey so far as it is allowing so many bewildering pieces to fall, almost effortlessly, into place; for more on that, see my recent post Not Broken or Special, its Just How I’m Made and more to come. My autistic self has had to live deep underground in a cave of its own making for so many years and this has not been helpful to my health. Conversely, I can even conceive of a time where the bringing together of these jigsaw pieces could feasibly make me feel whole enough that health issues reduce, withdraw or at least become as manageable as the next person’s foibles; that is my unwavering recovery mission….and recovery is the name of the game when we regather our fragmented pieces. How many of our pieces are actually missing if we cease comparison with some sort of “normalised” benchmark; when, really, the very fragmentation we claim to abhor is so-often from a mindset built into people’s attitudes towards what is different and herein lies our task; to upgrade those mindsets.

Below are a few of my earlier posts that might be of interest or relevance to anyone else walking a similar path.

Not broken or special, its just how I’m made

Oxalates, pain and autism

The exquisite gift of autism

High-functioning autism and the creative, self-teaching maverick

Are you on the autism spectrum?

A world of my own

Getting down to the root of my fibromyalgia

Dream therapist

What is your alchemy? (Mine is dancing.)

Our opportunity – life beyond stress

Autism and the Age of Aquarius

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Choosing life: Jig of Life and the Ninth Wave

    

Can’t you see where memories are kept bright?

Tripping on the water like a laughing girl.

Time in her eyes is spawning past life,

One with the ocean and the woman unfurled,

Holding all the love that waits for you here.

Catch us now for I am your future.

A kiss on the wind and we’ll make the land.

Come over here to where When lingers,

Waiting in this empty world,

Waiting for Then, when the lifespray cools.

For Now does ride in on the curl of the wave,

And you will dance with me in the sunlit pools.

We are of the going water and the gone.

We are of water in the holy land of water

And all that’s to come runs in

With the thrust on the strand.”

Kate Bush, Jig of Life


These words, as stated, come from the song Jig of Life from Kate Bush’s “The Ninth Wave” (the second side of the album Hounds of Love, 1985), which she originally conceived as a short film by the same title. The film never got made but the concept became a centrepiece for her rare series of 22 live shows Before the Dawn (2014). The idea behind the ninth wave is that a woman is shipwrecked in the water and goes into a sort of drowning delirium consisting of a longing to sleep (And Dream of Sheep), a past life reverie and sense of discovering a deeper self trapped beneath the surface (Under Ice), purging remnants of torture and persecution, including condemnation as a witch (Waking the Witch) and of course she feels all alone in that water, with nothing but the little light on her lifejacket, faced with her almost inevitable demise. In spirit, she returns home and witnesses her partner without her, stood like a ghost in the hallway (Watching You Without Me).

She then gets to meet the Old Woman she will someday become, and that woman “jigs” her back to life; demanding she stay alive for both her and her unborn children. This track, with which I have been intimately familiar for over 35 years, has lately become part of my morning dance alchemy, to stir and defibrillate my spirit back to life. Especially in recent weeks, I landed into it anew, like it was just waiting for me to peel back this other layer of the song’s purpose in my life (I first connected with KB’s music when I was nine, and its been a powerful accompaniment to much of my life journey, in ways that are often synchronistic) and now this song was born again, like an invocation to life that I only realised I needed when I was drawn to dance to it:

“Never, never say goodbye
    To my part of your life.
    No, no, no, no, no!
    Oh, oh, oh,
    “Let me live!”
She said.
    “C’mon and let me live, girl!”
She said,
    “C’mon and let me live, girl!”
        (“C’mon and let me live!”)
    “This moment in time,”
            (She said.)
    It doesn’t belong to you,”
            (She said,)
    It belongs to me,And to your little boy and to your little girl,
    And the one hand clapping:
    Where on your palm is my little line,
    When you’re written in mine
    As an old memory?
    Ooh, na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-“

After that wake-up call, its as though the woman suddenly becomes fully conscious again, only she is “out there”, wherever she has drifted off to in her expanded reveries, not down here in her body. So, from there, she gains an expansive overview, a sort of near death experience (Hello Earth: starts with the spoken words “now nine times the speed of sound”) from which she can see earth as though from very far away, so small she can now blot it out with one hand. So she goes on to process all the terrible impotency and even guilt (“Murderer!“) that comes from being the helpless seer, watching things as they happen but always from afar, or even a little bit in advance, such as “watching storms form over America” (making this a track I have found so moving and even cathartic these last weeks…through dance, it helped shift some unexpressed feelings of my own along these lines as, from the “bigger picture” it can seem as though just so many storm clouds are rolling in right now yet nothing we can do to halt their momentum). This is a kind of spiritual tripping point that I have certainly encountered on my journey of personal growth as an intuitive, because it can feel agonising to be both humanly connected yet pulled back far enough from events to gain something of the god perspective (as did those first men on the moon) without the necessary impartialness to outcome that would make it easy to watch the unfoldment. At the end of the track, soft words are spoken (in German) that translate as “Deeper deeper.
Somewhere in the deep Is there a light
“.

She then (in the song The Morning Fog) comes back into the body, returning back to blood and an even deeper love for life and those in it as she reaches down to “kiss the earth”. Yes, this feels like dropping to the ground like a stone after the previous experience, yes it feels like re-entering the fog; but there is a sort of sweetness that only comes from being mortal and she appreciates that now. So the over-view didn’t whisk her away, she has chosen to return to her own mortality; an outcome that feels as real for the sacred feminine aspect as it is true for each individual woman that can now look her past traumas and abuses straight in the eye and still say “give me more life, I’m not going anywhere, the future is mine and I claim it”!

For me, this revisited album holds a ninth wave clue for our times (by which I refer to Dr Carl Calleman’s Nine Waves of Creation on the topic of the quantum holographic evolutionary wave that is now fully activated on our planet but which was still many years into the future when KB’s album was released; search “ninth wave” for all my earlier posts on this compelling topic). It matters not whether it was consciously channelled information or a series of cultural coincidences that KB came upon regarding the idea of a ninth wave (such an idea popularly exists amongst those who deal in waves, for instance surfers, being that the ninth wave is the biggest, most potential filled of all). In that case, she was, nevertheless, drawing up ideas from the deep well of our collective consciousness as it started waking-up from stupor beneath its own metaphorical sheet of ice (Under Ice), into some sort of awareness of the the incoming eighth wave which (around the same time this album was released in ’85) was already building momentum, and which was all about the rise or awakening of the long suppressed feminine aspect; a thread which runs so overtly through the material. “Wings in the water”, “go down” and “Help this blackbird!” (Waking the Witch) suggest the same blackbird in desperate struggle that, in KB’s post millennium album Aerial (2005), is now a bird in full song, laughing on top of the roof to a golden sky (but then, a lot had shifted for the feminine by then). Of course “Waking the Witch” could allude to the kind of taunting that went on during an ordeal by water but could be taken two ways…

All that water she describes (no less the coming deluge, we are now in…as it feels like…as our world events seemingly overtake and overwhelm us), can feel as though we are all alone at the mercy of ever more rapid waves, a sole or certainly isolated survivor in deep water, in despair or even drowning amidst the broken debris of our old lives…except that its also about a rite of passage, the merger with a forgotten watery element that demands to be incorporated, to bring the world back into balance, as we sweep in to a new era on the crest of an Aquarian-themed new day. The cover art of The Ninth Wave (for which KB almost got hypothermia because of the many hours she was submerged) is an Ophelia-like clue to the supposedly drowned feminine, yet the music takes us in another direction, to where we are newly arisen to gain the overview and then….crucially…choosing to come back down to earth again, to live, love and dance back to life.

Many people, apparently, still speculate “did the woman drown, is this her spirit released”. To me there is no question, the woman chooses to LIVE!

In the sleeve notes, KB quotes these lines from Tennyson’s Idylls of the King: The Coming of Arthur and the same quote was scattered on pieces of parchment into the audience at her 2014 concerts:

“Wave after wave, each mightier than the last,

Till last, a ninth one, gathering half the deep

And full of voices, slowly rose and plunged

Roaring, and all the wave was in a flame:…”

Idylls of the King: The Coming of Arthur

Of course, the coming of Arthur is synonymous with the idea of a return to the Kingdom of Avalon (an island in the sea…), as in, the values of a lost world, or the dawning of a golden new era, to many.

Then (in the song And Dream of Sheep) she alludes to the waves as white horses: “If they find me racing white horses...”echoing a quote from James Joyce’s epic, far less than easy reading, Ulysses which I am sometimes (if not that often…) really grateful I ploughed though for my degree course:

At the lacefringe of the tide he halted with stiff forehoofs, seawardpointed ears. His snout lifted barked at the wavenoise, herds of seamorse. They serpented towards his feet, curling, unfurling many crests, every ninth, breaking, plashing, from far, from farther out, waves and waves.

James Joyce, Ulysses

“Seamorse” is a version of seahorse; as in this from an earlier passage about waves (there are just so many allusions to waves and waving in Ulysses that it feels like a series of undulations, which I recall noticing all those years ago):

Airs romped round him, nipping and eager airs. They are coming, waves. The whitemaned seahorses, champing, brightwindbridled, the steeds of Mananaan.

The sheer bewildering length of Ulysses, in hindsight, feels somewhat like the mirror of pre-ninth wave life to me, with just the occasional flash of inspiration or sense of a sign-post to something more promising.

(By the way, its amusing to me that Joyce uses a dog as the character who is watching every ninth wave come in; perhaps it was all too soon to depict the average human perceiving such a thing, a hundred years in advance!)

That KB read James Joyce is clear from her use of Ulysses for her 1989 song (and album) initially entitled The Sensual World, though it would be another 20 years before she was given the permission to quote Joyce’s material verbatim, at which point the song was restructured and renamed Flower of the Mountain in its rerecorded version of 2011 (the year the ninth wave became active; truly a time of flowering). By the way Joyce, with his confusing delirium of a prose style (delirium, as I hinted at in my last post, can often be the window to great inspiration, perhaps prophesy…it often gathers around those who straddle cracks in the fabric of reality) and not least in Ulysses, which is coming up for its centenary, was one of those interesting characters who dialled into the eighth wave (that important transitional wave, to do with the uprising feminine aspect, on the way to the ninth) particularly early. I have identified certain individuals, often writers or artists I was drawn to in my youth (no less KB, it turns out), who seemed to herald in the essence of the pre-wave of the eighth wave very early on in the C20th or even late C19th, long before KB and other artists like her were ready to pick up its baton through their craft. So, both were dialling into the eighth but were they both channelling the forthcoming ninth wave, too?

Because, whatever people like to debate about the protagonist’s fate in KB’s The Ninth Wave, to me the ending is optimistic, there is no drowning here. In my opinion, the entire work is a clue for our times (one that has been hidden in plain sight all these years, even to me), and I now find it perfectly mirrors what I am feeling about “the” ninth wave (Calleman’s ninth wave) that has just rolled in on its 99th wash of the “beach” of our reality, peaking as of the last week. This feels important. The ever-increasing feeling that the ninth wave is, relatively speaking, a fast moving series of inward rolling waves (or oscillations) is also important because, as soon as you attune to it and it starts to undercurrent all the experiences of your daily life (not least, the kind of daily life we have all been leading lately) the more it mimics the rhythm of the sea…far far more than the eighth wave was ever going to do, given its rhythms last for several months (360 days, to be precise) which is too protracted to feel wave-like in the psyche of the average busy human. By contrast, the ninth wave gets under your skin, into your bones and into your soul, its undulations becoming part of you, not unlike the rhythms of the sea must get into a person that has been shipwrecked, after hours of being out there, suspended in water, waiting for the dawn to break. That feels oh-so how things have been for me lately; perhaps for many of us and yet the ninth wave keeps on coming. It all feels so in sync with the coming of the Age of Aquarius, which (as I have already written about) is tipped to begin with the winter equinox on 21st December. It’s as though we are all being re-attuned to water, ready for the age of water to begin.

Though that wave, the ninth, can seem to be just so immense or portentous when it is right upon us (it is, after all, considered the biggest wave of all, the one worth waiting for, in surfer legend), it could also hold space for us to undergo a transformation beneath its high curl, like the eye of the storm, a crack between realities, those hours just before dawn, held there in the water, in a kind of nowhere space and, like KB’s protagonist, a window of opportunity to deeply reconsider the past and to consult with the future, allowing them to meet in the NOW. Remember “For Now does ride in on the curl of the wave“. Not only are we being entrained for a new age of water (as in, the qualities of water), we are being entrained to be fully in the now, which is where all things are possible.

The Ninth Wave by Hovhannes Aivazovsky (1817 – 1900)

As we hold that space, beneath the curl of the peak of the ninety-ninth undulation of the ninth wave happening right now, the choice of whether to bother to jig ourselves back to life, back into joy and into full, hearty, participation of all it entails to be human, is surely ours. It’s what I call an Anita Moorjani moment; are we coming back in, to embrace it all…are we prepared to return back from the brink?

Just like the drowning woman, for whom it would have been far easier to succumb to deepest sleep, soothed by thoughts of once-familiar things, we too could make that choice right now. We can’t just wait to be rescued by someone else; not this time. No one else can make that individual choice for us, we each hold the responsibility and the power and we certainly can’t take anything for granted any more, so do we choose to be soothed into our inevitable demise as though counting sheep, lulled by people “talking’ bout stupid things” (And Dream of Sheep), or do we rouse ourselves back to life, just as I choose to stand up and jig and express and alchemise myself to life each morning, and again each evening, with my dancing ritual, however hard that gets to be some days (I can tell you). Whatever else does or doesn’t happen in my day, and some days are hard, some days are almost painfully uneventful, we’ve all been there lately, I show up and dance that dance, twice a day, and it has, without exaggeration, kept me alive and wanting to be alive this year.

With these new waves rolling in (and they are still relatively new in the bigger picture), we can’t presume to know the ending of the story; we can only decide whether we want to take part in the writing of it and its the willingness to do just that which surely brings us back to life. Just wanting to be here, to be mortal, to experience, to taste, to touch, to take part and and to love more, to love oh so much more than ever before; such a choice is enough over just letting things continue without exertion, as though waiting for someone else to turn on the tap of our life. No! We have to make that choice, daily…and then assert it.

So, if you’re with me on any of this, and you are in need of that jolt back into life, back into blood and vigour, try reading those words through at the top of the page, see if they speak to you as they speak to me every time I hear them. Better still, play Jig of Life through, try experiencing it as an invocation to life from your future self, and a herald to the Age of Aquarius, as the much-more rapid, much more tap-dancy, vital, quickening waves of the ninth start to register with your consciousness (here’s a visual interpretation from my favourite music video creator, MrMarrs but, please, listen with eyes closed first so that you get the chance to connect with it in your own personal way). Dial into its energy, take its energy in…try a jig around the kitchen (as my husband and I did, laughing our heads off, this morning). Or, if it doesn’t work for you, just run with the theme your own way and find your own method of creating some sort of regular rite of affirmation with which to declare “let me live, let me really live!” and lean into it to get you through these days into a different world.

It really is up to you, to me, to each of us, to work the energy into us, as a current that is part of us. To make that choice, as in, to work with the wave…and to follow through with determination, visualisation and a bit of alchemy…and the rest will surely follow.


This post is linked to my last one, Crack Between Worlds, and they are ideally read together.

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Crack between worlds

When he speaks of the current times we are in, as of 2020, visionary scientist Greg Braden refers to this phase as a crack between worlds, just like those we experience each day just before the dawn or at the sunset. Straddled, with one foot in each, these are potent, mysterious times and can be disorienting but they also hold answers and clues to countless mysteries that bridge the gap between being a human in form and being of the spirit, as we all are, yet we so often forget. Full of potential, yes, these times are destabilising yet they are full of mystery and promise while the new day, or night, has yet to take shape but is, as it were, still cradled in all its quantum potential. I like to set my intentions during those times; for there is no better moment to take pause to both keen the senses yet put into the brew what we envision for the future…as the visionaries we so often forget that we are while seemingly stuck on the hamster wheel of life. These are the moments for breaking out of that belief trap and going deep into the flux and the mystery of the vast universal ingredient pot, to reach for whatever seasoning our tastebuds long for in the next brew of life that we conjure.

In my own life, those times have, quite literally, taken on great import because I am so acutely sensitive to them; whether the gap between day and night or those moments poised on an equinox, the changing of seasons, the shifting of planets, the altering air pressure, the geomagnetic environment, the atmosphere, the vibe in a room or some other, quite subtle, transition that no one else seems to notice…yet I notice them and they have always affected me, keenly, going all the way back to childhood. And now I am reaching full maturity, well, the physical experience of them is making itself more known to me than ever with the symptoms of dysautonomia (see today’s other post, on Living Whole, on that topic as it is closely related to this one) that accompany such transitions and make them overt in my body (in other words, I get dizzy or perhaps suddenly weak, my vision alters, my body subtly changes in countless other ways determined by my extra-sensory nervous system and what it deems newsworthy). For instance even as the autumn sun sets each afternoon, a commonplace enough thing, I am noticing more than ever…and, if I forget to pay attention, I am reminded by my body’s shouted sensations, a trait which has only been getting stronger for the past handful of years as I turn into the crone.

Perhaps this is my ancient wiring at work; for I have long appreciated that I seem to hold some remnants of ancient wiring in my system and, in my view, autism is a version of that…not broken but different and more ancient wiring than what the neurotypical human considers “normal” or “appropriate” and, perhaps, more useful than ever in these transitional times. In days of old, people like me would have been the shaman because those were the individuals who noticed the cracks and lived them out through their bodies, who would dare to stand right over those telluric variables in the strata where the energy transitioned so potently between earth and heavens that they would take the sensations of those places and moments directly into themselves, to swoon in a kind of delirium that imparted wisdom that they then shared to their tribe, for the benefit of all. They were the early warning system, the bridge between worlds, the sight without eyes, the intuitive guides at moments when all they had to go on WAS intuition; and such are these uncertain times as we are again in, where logic is so often defeated or not enough.

So, these are not times for doubting my traits or fearing them, labelling them as ailments, but for remaining curious and open to what they have to tell me…softly, innately…and no less any of us; because we each have a far deeper, more useful and purpose-ready sense of intuition than we tend to make use of in daily life, if only we stop fearing or devaluing it; no need for my exaggerated version of it to find your own out, but start to use it…more, not less…to navigate these times. In other words, dare to feel into the cracks, such as the one we are currently in!

If I needed an example, I was recently stunned by having to own up to myself how a major food trigger of mine, newly come to light because it has been causing me significant health problems, has actually been trying to tell me, for the longest time, that certain foods were not nutritious…to my particular body. Yet I had allowed myself to be swayed, time and time again, by logic and other peoples’ opinions about what was healthy, into eating them against my “illogical” instinct not to…or, not so illogical, as it turned out, when these seemingly unrelated foods all turned out to be very high in oxalates (which I had never even heard of until recently), to which I am apparently so sensitive. On every count, I could recall strong intuitions not to eat these foods at some time or other and yet I had over-ridden them with so called logic or the desire to conform; in fact, looking back to when I was a kid, these were the foods I point-blank refused (children are so much more prepared to listen to their intuitions). The net result was to feel toxic, although a lifetime’s worth of inbuilt repugnance, extending all the way back to childhood, had tried to drop me the hint to steer clear. This is just a minor example but a classic one of how we defer to the intellect and skip over the subtle clues that try so hard to help us out. I’m not discounting logic or proposing we succumb to the heady delirium of seeking hints and clues from the ether to the exclusion of all else, in fact I have never valued my rational intellect more than at this time, as a tool I really like to get out of the stable for a daily gallop; but its a case of bringing them both together, into one harmonious unit.

So whilst we may be right in the midst of the “darkest before the day” phase, which may still have quite some time to run yet, because these are BIG cycles that are currently turning its important to consider that, to a much higher degree than we like to think about (because we have been made so afraid of our innate senses…taught mostly to distrust or belittle them), we can feel into what is coming and can hold sway over what that day might look like. But first we need to open to its potential, and listen to what its early messages on the wind have to say; that is, to truly listen with our keenest senses, which we no longer suppress but incorporate back into ourselves, to become (not broken, as we were once led to believe but) more whole than ever.

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Now is the moment to walk our talk

Timelines are splitting, I can feel it, like never before; not just a choice of ways forked up ahead but a distinct parting from ways of old (either way).

Last night, I had a lucid dream that momentarily disoriented me, until I realised the reason for my confusion was that I was straddling two realities at once, with the subtlest of variances in the form of an object I was looking for being, apparently, in two places, left and right, in the same room; which should I reach for? I quickly realised this was what I was being shown; a divergence of timelines so stark you could almost see the splitting point of trajectories yet where the differences would become far less subtle, more detrimental, in next to no time if I hadn’t seen what I saw before acting out a choice. I never saw the ending, I woke up…only, really, we’re all still in the dream.

That’s what the next few weeks in our story feel like to me; I mean viscerally feel like with all of the senses, as it unfolds. The choice point of all choice points. The one we’ve been waiting for.

Yes, now is the time to really believe in the world you want to live in. Be the outcome you want.

The dream drove home to me the importance and urgency of us each holding the timeline we want in our grasp; not letting it go for some distraction or down-talk from anyone else. This can take some work but it mainly takes making some energetic boundaries regarding what we are prepared to hear, what we are prepared to engage in, even for a second because our vision can be burst in just the few seconds of disbelieving in it.

All this at such a potent, peaty time of year too. We’ve always tended to put a light in our window at All Hallows but now its as though we all have to remember to hang up a light in our soul to help watch over the hours of transition, lest our attention stray.

I’m optimistic…I am…but then I tend to feel from the bigger picture. Feel it though I do, I take the other versions, all the potential contractions, very seriously indeed. I will never come to a place of blaming myself for being off guard, asleep at the wheel, in these times; I keep watch with my energy and I hold steady, come what may.

Because whatever picture we each see ahead of us, however indistinctly through all the disorientation of these last months, which has been like the blind man’s buff game of all games, it’s still not the only picture available. We each have to choose our trajectory with our heart, not our head. Feel it; unfurl your sensors and really feel it beyond all the rabble, then believe in it. Don’t let’s miss it because we got distracted by the smokescreen of chaos. This is not a time to let the head take over; at every choice point, give primacy to the heart! We’re entering the age of the heart so the rules are all changing on the hoof…but love won’t just sweep in and rescue us; we have to BE it, LIVE it, in every moment.

So we choose with our feet, with our votes, our choices, our subscriptions, our allegiances, our lapses, our attitudes, our fears, our oversights, our apathies, our blaming, our distractions, our wounds, our blindspots, our addictions, our habits, our excuses. Time to brush them all up, or off; to get conscious, become the witness.

Now is also the time to invest with our attention; our full attention on what we really want, not what seems, what others talk about, what the papers say but what we really prefer and, if it doesn’t exist yet, get creative with our imagination. We need to energetically vote for the world we want to be living in, every moment of every day.

This might seem like betting on an unlikely horse, but just do it anyway. Dare to bet on it breaking out of the race altogether, to toss its mane and run free in some far brighter pasture up ahead. Keep your thoughts on that horse, see it cantering in the sunshine of another golden day, hold it clearly in your vision, feel what it would feel like to touch the horse, to be the horse, to be whatever gets you to this degree of liberty of experience, where endings no longer arrive pre-moulded in concrete by beings far less visionary…simply do whatever works for you.

Moment to moment, do what it takes to feed the state you need to be in to hold such a vision, be that listening to music, walking in nature, meditating, spending time on your own in some quiet place, painting, gardening, talking to other visionaries, being with animals, laughing, loving…we each know what to do…so lets do it for all these week’s of uncertainty, as our part to play.

We each, then, make of ourselves the pebble that ripples out in the water.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, Life choices, Meditation, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Writing “ourstory” together

I was watching the brand new biopic based on the life of singing artist and women’s activist Helen Reddy last night and it was so good, a real spirit-lifter and revisiting the music of the era was priceless. I grew up with her music ever-present in the soundtrack of my early childhood yet had no idea she was such a tour de fore of the 1960s-70s counterculture movement. Her song “I Am Woman” (which, according to the film, she had to fight tooth-and-nail to get released and initially tucked away on an album, relying on women requesting it get played to the radio stations…which they did in their thousands…to get it heard) is still the anthem of the Women’s Liberation Movement. This post isn’t about Helen Reddy so much as about some of her qualities, seen from the bigger vantage point. From that place, I would describe her and others like her (so many of them musicians because that has tended to be the area where activists would “get active” and heard, though less so since so much of it became corporate) in these terms. She was an early Indigo, a forerunner of the Eighth Wave and an agent of the Aquarian Age.

What do I mean by these things? Well, popular viewpoint in new age circles has it the indigos arrived as a wave of “active” young starbeings (by the way, we are all from the stars, when it comes down to it) that began to be born from about 1987 onwards but I have long maintained that there were many that predated that wave, as a sort of fore-runner to prepare the ground for the grand changing of times (and I count myself amongst them). For instance, I would count Einstein and DH Lawrence and just so many writers, artists, Bohemians and alternate idea deliverers of the early twentieth century amongst their ranks because they cracked the ceiling of the old paradigm and let new light in. Many of those born since ’87 have yet to become “active” as in to become activated or activate anyone else but others were simply born that way, road-ready as it were and I have been spotting them for years (when you are one and you feel like you are in an “odd” minority for years, you can’t help yourself noticing like-souls who think outside the current box). They are people who are simply wired differently to the mainstream, such that their very presence in a room can cause others to shift about in their seat, initially in discomfort (but shift is still shift) or to question what is otherwise taken for granted, and often they lead their expression with their art.

The Eighth Wave (see the quantum history books of Dr Carl Johan Calleman for full explanation) is something I have written about before as the wave (obviously!) before the now active Ninth Wave of the Mayan long count. Whereas the Ninth is all about unity consciousness, the pinnacle of the piece, the Eighth was a correction wave, an alternate current to the way things had been for so long, thus all about reinstating balance in a heavily imbalanced world. So, to this day, it is the fuel (or cosmic impulse) that feeds the women’s movement, women’s lib, MeToo, Black Lives Matter and the call for sexual orientation equality, etc. It is the call of “time to pay the piper”, as in, let’s put things right, get fair, tip the balance and has been/remains a necessary stage in righting all the gross imbalance in the world. Ultimately, it is a passing phase because unity consciousness is the destination point (once these agendas are met) yet the Eighth Wave is the means of getting there and people such as Helen Reddy were part of that movement at the point it first started gaining momentum from the late 1960s onwards. Their preparedness to stand up, be seen, call out the unfairness and (in her case) sing loudly about it, gathering other women’s attention, was such a necessary part in, guess what, the steady movement towards, and preparation for, The Age of Aquarius.

Of course, musicians and artists were singing and talking about the Age of Aquarius back in 1968 but they sill had a way to go…about another 50 years, for all their “here it is” optimism. That said, we may never have got so far without them and its one of the reasons I’m so fascinated by, and drawn, to, the music and musicians of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s (my era, as in, when I was born into this crazy out-of-kilter world). I often wonder if I could ever have coped with this world for a second if, like my siblings, I’d been born into the monochrome austere and highly gender-tilted world of the ‘50s…I am a colourful Aquarian child through and through. I even suspect that my pre-birth self made it a condition of coming that I not arrive a moment before the Love Revolution got underway, hence why I was the late conception of the four of us, in the very summer that happened. Joking aside, there is a truth to that as I feel very much “of” the Aquarian Age, a hippy child-into-adult all my life, and the years in between have been a long hard slog of trying to turn up the dials of its vibration ready for the full effect to click in (as per my last post) from about now onwards, we speculate. If astrologers are right, the winter solstice this year should mark the beginning (proper) of the Age of Aquarius, for all its frequency has been fuelling the arts, and certain artists, for decades.

It promises to be a very different era and musicians like Helen Reddy (not all of them female, there is a long long list and I would count, say, the Beatles as early players) paved the way for it by implanting the seeds of new ideas into people though music (and yes, also through art) so that we would be ready for the transition into something very much more liberated and authentic, more spirited and true to our highest part. So, I just wanted to bash out these few words on this topic, which is always one that fascinates me when it sparks to life in conjunction with some artist, writer or musician that I find out some more about than I previously knew and then realise “ah, one of us…”, as in, they have been helping, for years, to plant important seeds that now (and her death this year has sparked new interest and exposure to her special frequency…she came in at No 2 in the Australian charts this year with her 1972 anthem “I Am Woman”, exposing a whole new generation) come to fruition. This post is a deep bow to their lives, their contribution, their determination to follow some calling or thread that went contrary to the hard-edged paradigm that made the rebel of them. I am deeply grateful for the stamina and vision, often the heavy toll upon their lives, that it took. To me, such people are the signposts of the rapidly turning wheel of history.

I have always been fascinated by history and the patterns it plays out; I very nearly did my degree in it until something in the delivery of the subject caused me to very suddenly drop it and change subjects in the second year of uni yet (in my own inimitable fashion) I remain fascinated by it. These curious times seem to remind me, daily, why this life-long interest was always destined to, one day, make me into the fascinated observer of such interesting days to be alive. Being able to pull back and notice the trends, the dots to join, the threads that speak bigger meaning, on a comic scale, is where I am happiest these days and it fills me with such enthusiasm that I can easily see why I chose to be alive in these times; yet I take my cues from intuitive “knowing” more so than history source books these days as I almost compulsively join dots across subtle cues and behaviours, noticing the bigger picture forming. Perhaps, in years to come, the terms I use above (Indigo, Eighth and Ninth Wave, Age of Aquarius) will be better known as tools used to better understand this so-important phase in history…this transition era…only, surely, that very word “history” is already dead in the water.

We all know, don’t we, that history is always written by the reigning conquerors, a distortion which tilts the truth whereas we are, surely (at last), headed for a time when we are all destined to be winners, together. When we distort the story, one way or the other, we soon-enough begin to convince ourselves of its truth, if it is repeated often enough; but then the distortion becomes our next prison cell, out of which we struggle to see daylight. The twists and turns of my own life have taught me, the hard way, how to reach the point of telling my own story through the eyes of all parties as fairly as I can…because it is the only way it could be told that didn’t continue to distort me, at my very roots.

Such distortion is not the exclusive zone of a male version of the story; because distortion comes when any one “side” gets to choose the mode (and the filters) of delivery. For a time there, the momentum would seem to have suggested that women were after flipping the term “history” around to become “herstory” and perhaps it took that degree of sheer determination to push forwards against thousands of years of well-established, gender-based tyranny but then, after all, that would have just been another distortion, a tyranny of perspective, in the end. Really, what we are aiming for, together, is “ourstory”; a truly Ninth Wave phenomenon. With heartfelt thanks to all those of the Eighth Wave, who questioned and agitated the story we were being told sufficiently for light to penetrate through, we then graduate to the next level. From there, we get to tell the story of ourselves, together, even as we write it and no one wins or distorts to the exclusion of other. Whilst truth will always remain, to some degree, a subjective thing, the very allowing of the subjectiveness…peaceably…leads us to a new, curious, intelligent, open-minded, accepting, inclusive way of spinning stories that feed a better future rather than always seeking to claim the victory of the past (note: hanging onto our past woundedness like a trophy to keep waving about can also be a way of trying to dominate the current story) or control the future. When it is all about feeding the future, together, then we grow that story like we might tend a seed in the soil and the story itself is organic, not twisted this way or that by the hands, or hurts, of anyone. Without winners or losers (or even loss of individuality…this is important; it is no one’s place to suppress this) the story is simply, collectively, “us”. I look forward to us telling it together.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Preparing to meet Earth’s higher self

One thing back-pondering the old bully energies that were in my life long ago has done for me these recent weeks (subject of other posts) is brought to the surface the strongest sense ever of timelines and how, at a very key point in this life, I made a choice…or a leap…to change my life for the better. It was the beginning of a process of fully merging with my Higher Self, rather than stoutly ignoring her (still work in progress) and it very quickly effected the kind of upshifts in my circumstances that belied all logical conclusions. Looking back, it was as though I had feet of clay until that point but suddenly there was an air quality to everything I did and touched and so things became more inspired, yes more impulsive seeming but really so much better informed and truer to myself, more compassionate, more cohesive, tinged with joy and appreciation, which then invoked more positive outcomes on a rolling momentum. In summary, things got so much better; abruptly, and never a need to look back except to learn from the contrast….though, paradoxically, I have decided to take a long look back this year because, well, it feels important and relevant, just this once, and I am about to tell you why.

Though I am over much of the emotional wounding from the years that preceded that jump into something different (and I am talking about over fifteen years ago here), one of the main reasons I chose to take Lee Harris’ powerful Empath vs Narcissists course this month (topic I have written about in my health blog) was because I could still see how those intervening years played out in my health as the stuck groove of old energies rampaging my body, stuck in at the foundational level of who I am in the physical sense (which is not always a match with who I Am in spirit). Lining these two things up into better balance is the work of lifetimes; all of our lifetimes, whether we realise it or not, only some of us make the task more overt than others. So those who really focus on this area are not broken or obsessed with our wounds, rather, we tend towards gathering the learning of what we notice as we up-shift our bodies as the wisdom of our lives and because we see the value of sharing what we learn with others; so, perhaps there are more of us doing this “work” now than is usual; as we approach an era of great shift for everyone.

So, high though I can fly in my spirit, the body (as ever) can be slower to catch up, with a lag factor that requires patience and ever nurturing care and oversight…the Bigger Sight that refuses to get caught up in old paradigm boxes of thought with neat labels on the front, full as they are of old, ill-fitting ideas as to what is supposedly “going wrong”. It takes an open mind, and the leadership of the heart, to heal the wounds of taking timeline and paradigm leaps, not a load of drugs, psycho-babble and negativity.

Yet I have also come to realise that its not all about me or for me that I am familiarising with these wider perspectives (somehow, I have always known this, since I was a very young child) because I am also an Earth Empath and Earth herself is still at the mercy of some very strong, domineering bully energies, a narcissistic hand grip that won’t quite let go of the trajectory she is allowed to go….yet!

The beauty of seeing this personal, stuck, situation through the viewpoint of timelines is the ability to see more clearly what it was that suddenly induced me to change everything on a hairpin and how, therefore, we can all (collectively) alter things for the earth (as below, so above) when the time is right. Yes sudden, almost illogical degrees of change or alteration of direction, in the way of a miracle cure, are really possible although this is not a popular idea in our present day logic-driven culture. I guess you could say, it wasn’t in my stars to make that giant leap in my life, my circumstances, my very belief structures about what life was all about until, well, it suddenly was…and then I jumped and everything changed from that moment as though scales fell from my eyes, the walls of the box tipped outward and I was standing in a very different space. The expansion that has taken place in my consciousness since makes a very small box out of the person I used to be, and I could no longer fit into that persona, could bearly squeeze into her fingertips. I don’t go back to pick over the old wounds to make sense of why I lived in that box (conditioning has dictated all of our lives for so very long) so much as to better understand how I made the transition; to perfect it, to make it into a transferable skill.

It takes a lot more shifting of “stars” to manoeuvre an entire shift of an era for a planet compared to a person’s life trajectory (let’s say, it doesn’t happen so very often, in fact can take many thousands of years to get so many aspects to perfectly line up at once) but Earth is scheduled to go through such a leap at the end of this year; in fact, we are already well into the transition phase and have been for almost a decade, but most assuredly these past eight months or so…do you register (how could anyone miss it)? Some people seem to sleep through profound shifts or remain so focussed on themselves they hardly notice unless directly inconvenienced (and then they tend to put all their energy into blaming) but not one as momentous as this, and its fair to say it has most people’s attention. Things won’t be easy or magically solved overnight (any more than my body was able to magically transformed to keep abreast with what my spirit already registered all those years ago) but for those of us tuned to notice the signs, and the altered direction of the wind that now billows our sails where once it pushed against them, we get to work with the new momentum and hasten the way it is then anchored into physical form as the New Earth. This has been my experience; and things are getting so much faster, going through their paces at lighting speed…have you noticed? I recently had a health wobble on a par with one I had just over a year ago that physicaly floored me for months and yet here I am, all but recovered in a week…just one of countless examples of things speeding up and becoming blink-of-an-eye that used to be long and arduous, also a sign I am acclimatising to the shifts (its just that our personal examples convince us all the more readily than what we notice getting faster in the outside world). We get to use these traits of New Time just as soon as we notice and acknowledge them!

If you want to know much more about the compelling line-up of cosmology and circumstance relating to the shifting of ages that is 2020, I can do no better than point you at this video which explains all (and bear in mind, it was made before the events of this year made the upheaval it predicts all the more visceral to the broader imagination). Please don’t be put off my the title, apocalypse simple means massive change or, dictionary definition, “a prophetic revelation, especially concerning a cataclysm in which the forces of good permanently triumph over the forces of evil”. There are many, and I mean many, informed people that consider the 21st December, when Saturn and Jupiter will form a conjunction (a once every 33 year event) this year but this time, incredibly, at 0 degrees of Aquarius to be the shift into the long heralded Age of Aquarius, coming as it does on the tail of several astrological events that are enough to get astrologers all of a tingle. The full event is a once every 3000 years triple conjunction: made up of a 13 year Saturn Pluto conjunction, a 13 year Jupiter Pluto conjunction and a 20 year Saturn Jupiter grand conjunction falling on such an auspicious date as the northern winter solstice (the most signifiant solar day of the year) at zero degrees of Aquarius, plus we had a annular solar eclipse on the same day as the (northern) summer solstice in June. All Great Conjunctions since 1802 have taken place in “earth” constellation astrological signs; this will be the first in an “air sign” and they will continue in air signs until 2159. As for the significance of our entry into the Age of Aquarius, there has been so much avid speculation on this topic and what it could herald for the altered flavour and direction of life on earth for just so long that I leave you to do your own research but let’s just say we have been in the Age of Pisces since the birth of Christ and that auspicious transition was why astrologers were expecting the big event that became him!

So, in summary, the date of the Saturn Jupiter conjunction on 21st December is predicted by some to launch us into a very different flavour of “era” to that which we have been in for the longest time as we leap from earth dominant times into an air sign for the next 150 years and the Age of Aquarius, which is a very real phenomenon, gets going in earnest. Really, the above video is the best summary I have found and you really might enjoy it!

If you are also interested in the Nine Waves and the now activated 9th, “unity consciousness”, level of the astonishingly accurate Mayan calendar (see my many other posts on this topic by searching the term Ninth Wave), you might want to add to this mix that we are rapidly approaching the 100th “day” of the ninth wave and that we have just entered the 98th “night” phase in sync with last night’s Super new moon…which 18 day duration will not complete until the day of the American election on 3rd November. Yes indeed, these are important choicepoints for all humanity and we each get an energetic vote…a prayer is such a thing…so please use yours wisely (rather than shrugging or assuming what you vote for in your heart doesn’t make a jot of difference), if only to vote for the highest possible outcome for all, if the politics defeat you; we can all do that. We start the 99th day of the Ninth Wave on the day the election results are announced; so, we get to choose what that dawning day looks like down here on the ground (with our energetic if not literal vote). Yet what seems like some “bad” outcome might not be so very doomed at that wider scale, though it might be the slower route to the same inevitable conclusions, because the unfoldment of the universe is not subject to being taken completely offtrack by human foibles, nor is the “vote” all hinged on one day and a particular personality, though it helps if we use these undeniable potentials to make positive change easier and swifter, less messy, than it might otherwise be. You can easily keep track of the ninth wave peaks and troughs here.

The 99th wave reaches its peak on 19th December, just in time for the astrological line up shared above and who knows what outcomes will have played through by then on this rollercoaster world, yet we are empowered to steer our part of the ride as soon as we entrain to the ninth wave and here’s why. Working with the ninth wave by living from our centre and embracing heart light as the core of all our choices is a superpower we all have access to and it impacts more than we know, way beyond our “little” lives because this frequency connects us with countless others doing likewise. It’s a frequency that establishes us as beings living and loving out their highest potential on earth whilst serving as her protectors and guardians and, from 21st December, the cosmos has our back.

Whether you believe in such astrologically scheduled leaps or not, I am living testament to them, of learning hands-on what it is to wield subtle yet undoubted powers of energetic influence that I once believed to be fable (or had no opinion about at all) and so I maintain that is something I am familiar with…and can still learn from, hence the current desire to revisit the era when they first awoke in me and the dark that preceded that (just as we are seemingly in the dark mire now, collectively). There is nothing so much as having your life alter utterly, from seemingly being stuck on an endlessly bleak, burdensome, ill-fitting route, where everything feels wrong and unnatural, where you expend what little energy you have left suppressing your own truth, fighting back your own deepest knowing for fear of revealing who you truly are as your highest version of selfhood, one where you feel like a prisoner in your own life, devoid of all optimism or viable choice, and then suddenly you are not in that anymore and everything falls into place.

I hasten to add, not because some sudden good fortune befalls you in the lottery of life and everything is magically “solved” overnight but because you sensed some sort of change in the air, a new tail wind that now has your back, a favourable current that will propel your tiny craft around any further rocks in the dense-dark waters up ahead and so you add your own momentum and take that leap along with the companion forces you sense are both covering your back like an outside force and yet also a newly awakened part of you, both outside and in, like some previously unnoticed superpower has come to life. This is, assuredly, how it felt to me way back then at the point I leapt; because I have often pondered what it was that launched me into a new life so suddenly, like taking a dive into the dark, though it logically defied all reason (or all of my character traits to date) to do so, yet it was something far more etheric than born of logic and I suddenly “just knew” when to attempt that first flight. Just as a butterfly must feel as it unfurls crumpled wings for the first time, hardly knowing what they are for and yet it makes the attempt at…something different. For the intervening years since that first happened (my own personal shift in eras) I have maintained a constant sense that there is still a timeline out there, somewhere, on which a version of me lags behind in some very old choices and a life less guilded (the comparison sometimes does me good)…yet, here I am, things are very different and I made that leap.

Yes, there has been some fallout or collateral, mostly the circumstantial upheaval (the spirit has never regretted the leap!) as the slower moving gears of physicality struggled and strained to keep up with such an abrupt take-off, like a jugganought attempting to turn in the road without even breaking…and my body is still testament to all that stress and strain. So I can well imagine we will be living with the fallout of a planet switching directions on a pin head for the next handful of years as many of our “systems” fall apart under the turbulence of switching to rocket power from horse drawn. But, if we pull through it together, pulling together as we travel through, we can achieve so much; even more if those of us who have affected personal change of a similar flavour can bring our wisdom and example to bear on the situation, including that there is no point living in the past, blaming anyone (including ourselves) or making things extra hard by focusing on the problems by looking at them through old eyes. Rather we hold the faith that we are now on the higher trajectory, we operate from love not blame and we keep on moving forwards, one foot at a time. If that sounds unfeasible, I think we will be surprised at how many of us are ready to do just that and, sensing this is their time (which it really wasn’t before…), many more will be encouraged to reveal themselves and what they have to offer. This world is not so stuffed with ill-intending, hopeless people as the media would have it!

The thing is, when an era changes and unseen forces line up, its as though the jigsaw that was all scrambled falls together effortlessly; synchronicities speak, communication becomes lighter and higher-vibrational (this is what we can expect from an age of “air”) and we take off in unforeseen ways.

Of course, those who have never experienced this, whose lives have maintained a predictable route, whether that route is pleasant, mundane or downright miserable, will take some convincing that such a turnabout is possible but that potential is still there, waiting, for them to experience for themselves; it cares not whether they realise because we each get to choose what we experience. No one needs be left behind in the coming era but there still may be those who choose, or dig themselves into, the old timelines and elect to stay there, in a parallel reality that is alternate to that which those of us seeking more for ourselves and this world have leap onto.

So, if this resonates, give it some thought in the next coming days, weeks and months…especially as we approach December…because what if we are scheduled to make such a leap; would you want to be part of it, would you want to feed its momentum with your positive thoughts, to get the run up with your optimism, unfurling wings you hesitate to believe in, ready to take off on your own personal updraught of positivity, or is it more important to you to “prove” that all such things are nonsense, unfeasible or unscientific, afraid to let go of what is so comfortingly familiar (even as it falls apart in your hands), waiting for some authority figurehead to save you, digging your heels into a reality that frustrates and seems to lead nowhere except deeper into confusion and loss of liberties and many of the things that you thought were so important to you or which you even use to define yourself (which is half the problem)? It’s entirely your choice but I think its fair to say that all timelines going forwards now involve momentous change, having passed a point in linear history that makes it inevitable; so it all depends what kind of change we can best live with and how much credence we give to the view point that we each manifest the kind of reality we expect and thus focus upon. When we choose the higher timeline, even if this feels founded on faith more so than logical conclusion at the outset, then we draw closer to our highest permeation of Self and thus we gather closer to Source and our collective Unity Consciousness. Things cannot fail to work better, more cohesively, with ever more collective wellbeing and planetary harmony, once we draw towards this.

Never before has there been such momentum behind us to choose a higher timeline, collectively. If you can bring yourself to see the light that has been, steadily, pouring in through the cracks of this highly bizarre year (as the lead up to a change in paradigm could be expected to be) to notice these have all been the birthing pains of a new world then maybe you can join some dots quickly enough to be waiting on the harbour as a new ship comes in…and, when that gangplank drops down, make a giant leap to be on it ready to set sail into the unchartered seas of a brighter future.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Life choices, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality, Universe | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mars comes close

Mars comes close

I’m sharing this personal channel on the topic of Mars and power pretty much exactly “as it came to me” in case it resonates with anyone who happens to find it. If you don’t have a strong relationship with Mars or relate to what it feels like to have danced with narcissist energy in an unhealthy relationship dynamic (topic of a post I just shared on my health blog yesterday, if this interests you) then none of this will make quite as much sense, although I am putting it out there for anyone interested in negotiating a healthier relationship with power, not least their own. So, for all those who, for one reason or another, might get something from it, I share this short revery, which is as universal as it is personal in the dynamic it plays with:


The sheer intensity as Mars approached this week (at just 62.07 million km from earth; the last time it got this near was in Aug 2003, about the time I pluckily invited my partner of 17 years out on our first date, the next close-up not until 2035) has been palpable, like a full moon energy with knobs on. Rudi, my dog, has felt it intensely, leaping up, pacing around, going in and out of the house, and repeat, as soon as it’s visible in the evening sky. Is he amplifying my sensory awareness of it or feeling his own? Why me? Why do I ALWAYS feel Mars when it is doing something interesting in close proximity? Perhaps because Mars is “big” in my birth chart and why wouldn’t it be. I am my mother’s daughter. She was a formidable woman, some would say frightening at times, though she was really all heart and I am a chip off her block. Mars can be your boldness, your gutsiness, courage, assertiveness, the sheer passion and verve to get things going and I have spade-loads of those when I allow them to the surface (more on why some of us empaths don’t always do that below). So, blood flowing, blood boiling…its a very thin line, a tightrope for us sensitive types.

Mars from my window last night

The correlation of this close encounter with Mars with all the old “narcissist” stories coming up in me this week while I follow Lee Harris’ course, “Empaths vs Narcissists” (you will have to see my other post for more on that but the power of it is that I am, finally, looking in the eye all those deepest-darkest wounds that I buried well out of sight a long time ago) has been undeniable. I was able to see Mars and its pinky glow clearly from my window last night, even before I zoomed with a lens; and being able to see what you are dealing with, especially that which is normally out of sight, is a powerful upgrade in any situation. In that other post, I ask why was I magnetised to narcissist energy, and it to me, all my life, questions stirred by the course that I have been on for the last week? Because there is a match. A match of Mars energy with something in me, and Mars carries the narcissist brand, or, its potential. In our crazy messed-up world as it has been for the longest time, narcissism and Mars energy, as the energy of conflict and power, have become close allies. They are sometimes very hard to distinguish from one another, sharing some of the same ruthlessness, lack of remorse; and we see examples of this ever more overtly this year as themes that have long been covert come to the surface of our world. However, this is a distortion, and Mars does not have to be all about the way its energy has been hijacked to be (so dark) for the longest time. As with all things, there is another side to the story, and those two sides are about to get back into more balance.

So, Mars energy could go either way; to become uber-positive strength of a self-empowering, courageous kind, or it could come out as the distorted narcissist trait. I have spade loads of that strength, but I have come to fear it, even in myself, as a trait that could come out “wrong” and distorted, could harm someone else and so, ultimately me. Hint: though we all have our narcissist moments, this is a clue I am not a true narcissist because to hurt another is the deepest pain to me, capable of destroying me or inducing me to destroy myself by elected dismantling of all I am lest I do it again…a true empath response to hatefulness if every I saw one. This programming inside of an empath is what makes us such fun to a true narcissist as they can watch us squirm at the meerest hint we have become like them. Yes, Mars can be an unsettling energy for a lot of people but, perhaps, never more so than for an empath because we remember all too well, too personally, all the pain and destruction that can spin off from a mars-type situation.

So, I fear my own capacity to turn my strength and power to sarcasm, to wounding withering attacks and annihilation energy, the slam in the face. Like I sometimes turned on a particular friend, years ago when I was living with a narcissist, when to have sat her down and told her why she aggrieved me so would have been a kinder way to defend my boundaries, yet I hardly realised at the time that it was the way she mirrored my least favourable traits that got to me. And oh how the narcissist in my life used to love to encourage me in this. He would love to wind me up and set me in motion in the hateful direction he preferred, and I would do it at times when I was drunk enough or desperate enough to keep on side with him. As happened, once, with my childhood narcissist bully who, on one occasion only, induced me to pick on another girl with her; which I did out of fear of repercussions if I didn’t but oh how I destroyed myself with self-loathing afterwards.

These rare but memorable unconscious moments were to go contrary to myself and felt like the deepest abandonment of self as they negated the heart. I quite literally hated myself when I did this, and I didn’t need the lesson many times to ensure I have continued to fear what I could do to others with fury and hatefulness if I unleashed my full strength, and so I have hidden much of my power away, especially since I have become a parent, lest I hurt anyone. Including my husband.

How many times have I said to him that he doesn’t seem to like it when I get stronger, more forthright (like his ex wife), even the kind of strength that is called for to make a leap in recovery from all my health issues, yes, but not in a destructive way…but because forthrightness and strength are called for in that moment… yet sometimes he looks at me, then, like he doesn’t know me and the glint of fear in his eyes makes me recoil into shame and abandonment. Abort mission to revive strength, it only pushes people I love away. Like every month when my period happened, I would have this upsurge of the kind of power that would be so forthright and ready for anything, cutting through crap with determination and clear vision, yet it would cause unsettled energies in my family because who was this person; who was I, with so much drive and determination? The same during the full moon; my most manifest self would make the air crackle. Nobody knew this version of me, let alone myself. So I would turn that fire inward and it would make me hot and bothered, unable to settle or sleep well. Which is why these few days of the Red Planet’s approach has felt premenstrual to me…so much heat, so little sleep, so much fidget and like something is ready to burst out of me, break all my seams wide open…

So why are narcissists attracted to certain individuals, usually empathic, sensitive ones? Because we bury our mars-like qualities deep inside, lest we hurt anyone. Their fun is to try to despoil us, to prove we are only human after all and that we can be turned to our own destruction, cannot sustain our ivory tower overview long term but will inevitably succumb to deep-down-and-dirty at their bidding, if they toy with us for long enough, like a cat with a mouse. Their fun game is to dig it out to the surface, this Mars aspect we fear so very much; to induce us to reveal this energy and then unleash on ourselves all the self-destructive shame and remorse at having done so. They don’t have to do their own dirty work, they can play with getting us to destroy ourselves. But when we suddenly bring that strength up in a different way, as power of the most enlightened variety, they are flummoxed…as when my ex-narc stared at me in bewilderment one night, not long after I had instigated divorce proceedings and was radiating a new kind of power from every pore in my being, and uttered out loud “you’ve really found yourself” (it was one of the last things he ever said to me). Yes I had. I had re-found my Mars and reattached it, to who I really am. Top tip, reclaiming boundaries is an essential task in recovery from a narcissist and you’re going to need to summon that daunting Mars energy in order to do that.

How many of us empaths and sensitives detach from power for fear that power is wrong?? Because of the way we see it demonstrated in the messed-up world, we decide we want nothing to do with it…forgetting there is a choice how power can be used, that there is not only one way, the broken way, but another way that makes us more whole and connected with heart energy, and with each other. So, last night when Mars’ shining pink form (not nearly as scary as I had tended to imagined way back when…there is a theme forming around this topic) was clearly visible from my bedroom window, I shouted over “can we get onto a more healthy footing from now on, a more mature relationship please, let’s work together in the highest ways…” It must have been acknowledged as I had a far better night and feel quite renewed and determined this morning. Dare I say it, my strength is coming back.


For more on this transformation theme, read today’s Spaceweather bulletin to hear how some backyard viewers were also able to look Fear and Dread (Mars’ usually invisable satellites) in the eye last night…you couldn’t make this stuff up!

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