I woke in the night with a series of realisations…and Gregg Braden (whose book I have been reading) was very much in my mind, like a presence to the side of my shoulder, not coaching me so much as holding space for me as I made these evolutionary revelations for myself and the way that grief works in the human psyche.
I’d been watching a video with him talking, last night, about the grieving process for his mother that hit him quite suddenly, even though she hadn’t passed away yet at the time of the recording. The reaction in his body was that of being paralysed in a sort of prolonged fear reaction with massively elevated heart rate for no other logical reason, which alarmed him until he realised that he had already begun the process of grieving for his mother’s death, though she hadn’t yet left her body, because of the fact she had already, in some sense, “left” due to dementia or some such.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop
Apart from feeling awful, such pre-emptive reactions in the body can feel as though you can’t get on with your normal daily life since your attention is on these hugely invasive chemical and nervous reactions taking place in the body, scrambling and exhausting the mind. I can so relate as my body has been feeling like that lately; as though I can’t slow down or switch off some sort of adrenalin “buzz” or early warning bell that, if I allow it, turns fear based…and like I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop in the circumstances of my own and our collective lives. It was the first time I had properly equated what I was experiencing, and perhaps what a whole load of people are experiencing right now, with grief…like we are in some sort of collective grieving process that knows no end.
This realisation felt associated with an unexpected preoccupation with memories of my childhood home these last few days; some very deep and probing memories which had even caused me to Google earth where I grew up and to raise some questions about things that had never occurred to me before about that location. (Without going into all the details) I suddenly realised that there were things I really didn’t know about that place, which I have always thought of as almost sacred ground, though (looking back to some of the foibles of my childhood intuition) I realise I often sensed something perplexing, even quite troubling under the surface and, given what I now know about my acute sensitivity to place, it doesn’t surprise me in the least that I picked up on things that might have escaped most people, even adults that I might have attempted to confide in (I didn’t). Now I had discovered and owned a rational reason for them, thanks to the wonders of the internet and asking the right questions, I was reminded in a timely manner that those innocent seeming days were far less pristine than my memory box liked to keep them…they were politically dark and fear-inducing to a very high degree (remember the cold war?) yet we all tend to do this with “the past”; holding it in a rosy glow and conveniently forgetting it had the kind of dark-underbelly that we perceive more readily today.
Yet this hasn’t surfaced now in order for me to ruminate over it but to help me realise, with new maturity, that those halcyon days of the mid to late twentieth century were far from the idyl we like to hold up as our benchmark of “normal”. Yes, in many ways (though largely because we were less informed or aware than we are now…) it was a lovely, simplistic time and I was lucky indeed to feel so good about where I was raised; but it had its murky corners, for sure. And, the danger is, while we all persist in this uber nostalgia for “the past” based on childhood memories of how things seemed, what we selectively remember about it, and for the way changes seemed to happen more slowly and manageably then (time is undeniably speeding up now…), the way they appeared more “wholesome” somehow (though how much of that was to do with advertising and aggresive information filtering…), the world to be more “predictable” and “consistent” (we had so very few choices…), and all those other memes, we simply can’t move on but remain paralysed on the brink of change.
In fact, we refuse to move on because our subconscious minds always trip wire us back into comparison mode, just as soon as the glow and initial excitement of any new-evolutionary perspective has worn off after its “honeymoon” period (evolutionary biologist Bruce Lipton writes about this in a book of related title). Wonderful and exciting new possibilities emerge, they engage us for a while and yet, still, we want to connect it back to this central prototype for what life is “meant to be like” in our minds, usually modelled on the world into which we grew up and from which we gained our formative influences. We are deeply programmed to want to stick with what is familiar and “safe”, and what our parents and grandparents were part of, like our very lives depend on it; to assume that that is “how things should be” and that anything else is wrong or temporary.
Newflash: the significant changes we are now seeing in this world are not temporary…they are the beginning of “new normal”
What if we are entering into the age of a new normal, which won’t look like anything we’ve seen before? What if its not the new normal that will floor us so much as our subconscious mind’s faulty thinking as it hankers and grasps onto what we regard as so familiar and thus “better” than this new reality? Ironic since the world we hanker for hasn’t really been in existence since before the turn of the new millennium, if we are being truly honest with ourselves and yet it as though there is still a dust storm holding the shape of that old world, as I referred to in my last post.
As I just reminded myself, the world we cling to is a figment of our imagination…both now and even as it was happening since we only ever saw what we were capable of seeing at the time (even when we sensed other layers beneath the surface, as I did). Over time, we tend to iron out even those misgivings that surfaced, or to bury them deep into our psyche to play out as the early-warning systems that can look as though our health is acting up later in life; though really it is just what we failed to see before urging us to bring to light what we weren’t ready to know at the time…which is that “the past” wasn’t ever some idyll to be preserved forever but just a passing point on the way to somewhere else entirely. We tend to rewrite our own story to suit ourselves; and in collectively perpetuating the myth of idyllic past, of some already-achieved “norm” that we must fight for, we make it all the harder to move on to something entirely new and potentially better able to sustain all of us as a harmonious whole…
Meanwhile, as we cling to this flimsy figment of the imagination, like some faded old photograph that has been coloured in with the rainbow tints of time…and as we white-knuckle grip with sheer determination to the supposed “safe” feelings of our youth…we make the present day situation ever more untenable, consumed by fear of change itself.
Because, haven’t I learned this so painfully; the more I cling to some version of the past, the quicker my own most-positive and momentus evolution process falls apart, that momentum collapsing like a hologram as soon as the power switch of “doubt” is flipped. And that’s not to say the profound evolution that felt so real a moment earlier was a figment of imagination, since the whole of reality (it is being shown) is nothing but a series of holograms so what I was experiencing was as real as any other reality on offer, until it became unstable through doubt and so collapsed. But in the earliest stages of its existence, that belief hologram is flimsy and requires consistency in its application; you could say, it needs the positive-power left on day and night. As we manifest our newest realities, especially those that look very different to what we have ever known before, we need to see those realties all around us as the very wallpaper of our life (we can play a part in ensuring this through how we spend our time and who we engage with) and believe in them constantly in order for them to emerge from the shadows and stay there, becoming our next new world.
And here was the shocker, as my dawn reverie brought all these realisations to life; just as Greg Braden invites us to see what look like all the disasters and untenable problems of the world as “the rewiring of a whole new world” so that we can start to perceive them as the very basis for a whole new way of living and interacting with this planet (as successfully or more so than ever before) I see how I have been doing that very same thing in my recovery process….mostly….
Embracing the “new normal”
Because the trip wire in all of this is to believe all our efforts must be about “returning things to normal”. In our approach to the ecological issues, so many people, countries, organisations etc believe our objective is to return things back to the way they were “before”, whenever that was. Devastatingly, people put their whole lives on hold, like they have pressed a pause button, while they wait for this thing to occur, like they are living the lives of zombies, half asleep in terms of their true vitality until someone wakes them up and says “you can open your eyes now, we’re back where we were…” In massive swathes, countless numbers of people worldwide are now losing their vision of a possible future because they are so firmly fixated on the way things were and wanting to get to “get back” such a thing, which is slipping through our fingers like sand, and so this mentality becomes the truly devastating force of our times, shooting us in the foot…
Meanwhile, we don’t put our full energy, our excitement, our ingenuity, our effort and our vision into the new world that is appearing faintly on the horizon. Rather, fuelled by our most fearful and childlike emotions, we keep chasing that other more-familiar and comforting reality that is rapidly disappearing over the opposite horizon and so we look backwards instead of where we are all meant to be all headed together. This is a critical situation and, I suspect, the very biggest threat to our survival.
Behaving like this, we make ourselves untenable on this planet “as it now is” and I know this so intimately because of the fact that I have been making myself untenable in my own body “as it now is” believing I had to get back to my old body and, meanwhile, rejecting the one I am in!
I’ve spent my efforts, consciously or otherwise, comparing my present body to some sort of norm set by doctors and text books when, really, many of my experiences are atypical due to what I perceived as the “damage” of many years chronic illness…because the body I have now is not even remotely like the one I had when I was younger or even half a decade ago. What looks like the ravages of ill health has altered so many of the most fundamental processes that take place unseen in the depth of the body that there is no unravelling its tangle now, though I have spent many years using many different modalities trying to and then demoralising myself at my lack of success. The same applies in all healing journeys…when the objective is strictly to “get back” to where they were before, people get stuck whereas those who transform beyond recognition are those who realise they can never be the same; they are rewired in ways that constitute an evolution and those that truly thrive would even say they don’t want to go back to where they were; that this new norm is, in ways that can be hard to define, better.
(Its not the first time I have considered this with the more-conscious portion of my mind…) what if the rewiring that has undoubtedly taken place in my body, rewiring that is so complex that to looks like a major problem when compared to a text book human of optimum health (what we love so dearly to hold out as “normal”…) is actually the new wiring of a future human prototype? What if the cascading alterations at the level of such deep cellular behaviours that typify some of the most mystifying illnesses of modern times can’t be reversed…but can be built upon as the new human as soon as we befriend then and approach them with curiosity? What if me and those like me have made so many different choices, taken so many different turns and omitted so many typical influences in our tireless efforts to reinstate our own sense of equilibrium that we simply can’t rewind our bodies, ever again, to where everybody else suposedly is, in the benchmark of normal-land; nor should we want to (if only we could stop seeing this through the eyes of an old paradigm). Again, I have considered and written about this many times before but am now, finally, understanding just how crucial it is that I hold onto this viewpoint unwaveringly, not just on the surface as an intriguing academic idea but all the waythrough all the layers of my physical and non-physical bodies in harmony. I need to recruit my very cells, indeed the very quantum voids inside the most microscopic aspects of my physicality, into this viewpoint and, to do this, I have to turn fear off and get my subconscious mind on the team…
Accepting “what is” as the basis for exploring potential (no longer lamenting perceived “lack”)
As soon as this three o clock in the morning realisation dawned on me, the excitement that reverberated through my body told me what I needed to know, like I had hit the bullseye in my evolutionary journey. As soon as the impetus was taken out of “getting back” to how things were (and when was that exactly…do I start with a decade ago when my health most rapidly unravelled, or do I go back to before all the traumas of my 20s, to the lead and mercury exposures of my childhood…to the viral and emotional load of my mother when I was in the womb…?) I knew I was holding something so powerful in my hands. I saw with stark clarity how I had been paralysed for the longest time in a prolongued state of grieving for my “old body”, my “normal” state of health, the way things “were before”…even though, being honest with myself, they were never so very great or typical and certianly not optimum, in fact I enjoy a far broader set of body awarenesses now, which I would be very loathe to surrender. In fact, I had been prepared to trade almost anything to regain that old state of “normal” and yet, with this new clarity, I was left wondering why it had ever had such a hold over me since I didn’t really know what it felt like, its very existence an illusive fairytale held in concensus by many other beings, just like our collective nostalgia over “the past”. Yet the more I believed I had diverged from this state of “normal” the more I had allowed myself to believe I was doomed…and isn’t this the collective fear in a nutshell?
Because when not taken as coming from “the opposite factor”, the “dark” or the “faulty”, seen from the separation viewpoint that “bad things had happened to mess with me”, I could now see that I was holding what could only be the product of a holistic viewpoint that says it was all meant to be…and the only conundrum is how to get my subconscious mind over the fear of the unknown in order to embrace and make use of this new me, exploring it with curiosity not dread. The same goes for all of us; and for our collective world viewpoint, surely.
Now as luck would have it, and perhaps this is why I had this middle-of-the-night epiphany, I have been working concertedly towards getting my subconscious mind over the hurdle of fear-based reactions this last few weeks. Since delving the topics of my recent blogs about fear over technologies that my body already reacts adversely to and thus the health deterioration I fear (for myself, other humans and all other species) as this new stage of technologies is rolled out (note reliance on the term fear) I knew I had but one choice if I was to get through this and survive to then thrive though those imminent changes. I needed to up-develop my own neuroplasticity…with knobs on; and I had to do it quickly, using every resource I have at my disposal.
In other words, realising that I couldn’t alter or even slow-down the momentum of outside events, I had to prepare my body to work with the changes that were coming….and I had to put myself, and this task, first above all other things in a way that old me might label “selfish” but I knew this was just so important; my life’s work, if you like. I had to consider, deep down, that my very survival relied on it and that, in taking this on, I did it for all others anyway since, at the level where we are all connected in the quantum field, these new responses to fear ripple out across the collective in literally “no time”, becoming more widely available as a quantum leap in how people react to change.
And so, by asking myself what I most needed to step forwards into this new era (this is an important question to ask yourself!), I put together a kit of support approaches ranging from the obvious and practical, such as diet with a major focus on consuming heavy-duty antioxidants to tip the balance of the massively increased free radical load I could sense my body was now under siege from (fear also contributes to that…), to harmonising my thoughts and my very environment. I installed a state of the art product (more on that soon or message me if you are curious) to harmonise my living space like never before, giving me a leg-up in the recovery phase. In fact I was so convinced and compelled by this new product (which “happened” to present to me within a day of deciding to turn this healing process into one of “working with”) and by its scientific, as well as “alternative” credentials that both my left and right hemispheres are “on board”, which is important. I began meditating twice daily again, for the first time in years, and got straight what that was intended to be for me…which is not all about “going off planet” but being more fully, commitedly here in physical form. I considered carefully my exposure to books, videos and other inspiration and put together a curriculum of sorts to keep me focused, excited and inside of the evolutionary frame of mind. I asked for, and quickly received, new tip-offs about mercury and lead detoxification, without side effects (more on that soon) since these substances in the body tend to hold the charge of all the old traumas we ever carried in our cells, even after we have done the emotional clearing, sending us back into loops or resonance with other toxins in the environment. So, of course, I looked again at that emotional clearing work, not by repeating it but by allowing myself to appreciate what I have already done so thoroughly and to know…very deeply now…that there is nothing left to clear since all of these approaches are working together to reattach all those fragments of self that ever thought they were separated or in opposition to me (they’re not and they never were)!
I’ve compiled all these approaches and some others that include seeking the support I need from a real time healer and from an online one that I am finding newly helpful and “in sync” with the themes of this blog (intuitive and energy worker Lee Harris whose input I called on many years ago but who feels just right for these times, once again…I will attach a link to a powerful audio below and recommend all his recent material as support tools). These tactics are rapidly becoming a new methodology that is self-driven and quite determined to glean the evolutionary potential of how I am now, no longer craving some sort of throw back that would be far too outmoded for where I now am or for what lies ahead, even if I managed to wind the clock back (which is impossible and would involve winding back all of the skills I’ve developed along the way). As a sensitive being, I have learned to hone and appreciate these skills above all others and this is so important for the era ahead…
The new era of the sensitive soul
So I want to address this thought nugget to all sensitives that happen to be reading this post. If you too have seemingly struggled all the way along until now, if you have felt like the minority, the singular voice in a crowd and felt lonely or unheard, like you are being swept along by other people’s priorities which grate with your own, those times are about to change too and you will find yourself being part of a much needed body of very experienced and skilled individuals leading the way into this vast new territory. Its not that you are about to stand still while the rest of the world catches up to your higher degree of awareness and, yes, their own version of increased sensitivity (which might not be the same as yours so don’t expect to find too many people prepared to talk about this yet; but they will get there in their own way). Rather, you are about to take your own leap forwards into an even more evolved state; yes, you too are about to change once again but, this time, it won’t be so traumatic or exhausting as it has been, but you do need to overcome your fears around this change process and embrace the new as it comes forwards (again, Lee’s work will support you hugely through this territory). You are needed more than ever and, by dropping the fear, you can reach for your rapidly evolving skillset all the sooner and with such a new sense of fulfilment within reach.
So I am deep into a process…and I won’t pretend this process has become easy yet but then I know I am in a birthing canal and so, as yet, it seems dark and unknown as I feel all the regular contractions come through me…oscillating and powerful… so its up to me to keep interpreting those as a cue to move forwards, not back towards the the familiar yet now untenable place I have had to leave forever. We have all been through this birthing process before and we can draw on it now, with powerful effect, just as soon as we realise we are going through the same familiar process once again, consciously and quite crucially, part-way through our human lives, and that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. In our very core, we already know the ropes…
Knowing when and how long to grieve…and when to move forwards into the new
Which leads me full circle to how I started this post; where I talked about the grief that Gregg Braden discovered he had to deal with even before his mother passed. This inevitably got me thinking about the grief I felt over my mother’s death (like him, I can also recall how that began as paralysis and overwhelm several months before she died, as her personality began to slip away because her mind became absent and confused….) At the time, I wasn’t prepared for the terrible trauma of her loss and so I failed to grieve enough or appropriately when she died…in fact, the process only began two years later with a synchronicity that prompted me (I found a four leaved clover on the ground; finding these everywhere was her special gift yet I had never managed to find one in my life before…and then realised it was the second anniversary of her death). With that opening, my grieving started in earnest and it was cathartic in ways I can now only regard as positive because it changed me profoundly and set me on a path. The way that grief processed through me for the next few years became the catalyst for my awakening process as I was now linked to someone “behind the veil” and actively seeking connection “out there” on a daily basis; and so I began to see the positives of her passing when she did, even though I was very young, since it enable my own evolution to build momentum and for me to be changed oh-so evolutionarily in the process….and I knew that she knew, and agreed to, her part in that process. We use this phrase, don’t we: “good grief!” Well, good grief opens us up; it doesn’t shut us down and then we process through it, evolved to a whole other level.
I share this because, as I am seeing it, we kind-of have to do the same with our grief for the old world which, if we are but honest, has already gone into the final stages; here but not really here anymore. We must grieve, yes; as not to grieve is to leave the trauma inside of us, undealt with and denied, walled up as a blockage to our own wellbeing and evolution potential. However, staying locked into grief only paralyses us on the edge and we have to find a means to break through to get to it; to process and move on. Knowing, as I came to realise, that what we grieve over is complicit in the process that “causes” our grief is an enormous help; in the most enlightened place of my “knowing”, I sense that our planet (our Great Mother) is fully complicit in all that we are experiencing and experimenting with right now, as a necessary process on the way to our highest evolution. If she wasn’t, she would have flicked us off her surface, as a toxic annoyance, a long time ago…
The longer we delay the beginning of that grieving process, the tougher and more like a prolonged struggle it will be because our subconscious minds will be trying to get us back to a world where things are like they “used to be” and thats just not possible and never really was. We didn’t lose that opportunity through some sort of mishap, it was always meant that we would evolve into something new at this stage but we had become so attached to the old ways for so long that this is rippling through us like a prolonged trauma pulsing through the collective. It is having the effect of paralysing or at least slowing down all of our best efforts when, in reality, we have all the resources and ingenuity we need to turn things around to a new and even more wonderful reality.
Once we start to glean the positives of the loss we have been through, we process through the paralytic sadness far quicker and we start to use it as a catalyst for something new…something we couldn’t even imagine before the loss was experienced. How many people have gone on to have such experiences after the devastating loss of a loved one and yet…that loss set in motion such powerful changes that their lives are never the same again; indeed, they begin to feel like it all happened to some sort of higher design.
So what if we could allow ourselves to believe that all the undoubted chaos and destruction of these times is all happening to some sort of higher design…and that the sooner we jump on it with all our best efforts and creativity, the sooner we can bring the positive fulfilment of that about.
If all our innovators, our scientists, our creatives, our inspirational leaders (in fact, a whole new generation of leaders…) could stop hankering over the past and a reality that certain individuals have invested in so heavily that their motivations are often skewed on all our behalves (think all the vested interest of the petrochemical industry), we might be able to glean all the potential of the new world up ahead. Yes, it has all new “wiring” and (like me in my peculiar body and some of the odd-feeling things that it does) there is no way of working out how that works except to keep out of fear and keep trying it out from the floor-level upwards…but together, we can all get there and create a reality that far exceeds the rose-tinted daydreams of our comforting yet quite illusional past.
We are in a collective growth spirt, birthing together into something yet to be seen and, like any thriving newborn reminds us, it takes just a matter of hours or handful of days to acclimatise to a whole new and bewildering environment like we have been in it forever…as soon as the confident assumption is that we are meant to be in it and that we are supported and sustained by it.
Undeniably, cultivating those feelings of support, of sustainability…of safety…is key to this “working”, just as I have had to realise that cultivating my own sense of safety, whatever happens to be playing out in the dramas around me, is so crucial to turning a massive corner in my health. Yet if we all stopped looking backwards and panicking over what is already lost, like a precious object just flew out of our hand and we are stood watching it in slow motion as it hurtles away over a cliff edge, we might turn around on our heel and notice what we DO have and get on with things now, together. We would be better prepared to acclimatise to the “new norm” which, yes, will involve new weather, new challenges, new priorities, new ways of doing things and yet we are designed to keep apace with these kinds of changes just as soon as the conscious desire is there. Our very desire to take part is the lynchpin!
Am I prepared to evolve? (Echoing Lee Harris) we absolutely need to ask ourselves this…and to ask it not only of our thinking heads but of our body cells, of our guts, of our very energy field, of the subconscious thoughts that run beneath the surface. Once we have our answer…the true commitment to seeing this through…our conscious minds need to become the guardians of that intention and work to orchestrate the consistency of the desire at every level of the being that we are. Ultimately, it all comes back to personal choice…and each choice a contribution to the whole…but given a choice of nostalgia and endless grief or optimism and endless possibility, I know where I am at.
Gregg Braden books and video resources, including:
Lifeline Master Series with Gregg Braden (with anecdote about his mother as refered to)
What Does Adapting to the new normal mean? (and other videos in that series)
Support tools from Lee Harris, words and music which I have found incredibly supportive of making that subconscious change with repeated listening:
The Way of the Sensitive: Evolving in Tumultuous Times – Lee Harris with Davor Bolzic
Light Years (2019 – 2022) The Era of Higher Harmonics – Lee Harris with Davor Blozic
I never realized that the process of personal evolution would lead me to the experience of anatta… and after a decade of “not knowing who I am” I’ve been brought to the acceptance of not having a fixed sense of self. Through this, comes the new normal of having a sense of being, awareness, energy. And yes, grief has been part of the process. And this internal process is just a fractal of what we experience as cells in the body of this planet . …
I love reading your account of your experience through this process.
I hadn’t thought of the term anatta in this context but then, of course, you are right!
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