Any of you who receive email notifications for my health blog Living Whole would have found an unworkable link where this week’s latest post used to be as of yesterday. That’s because the post I published on Monday was, in a sense, a false start on something I wanted to write about. More accurately, I was still processing even as I wrote about it…but have now processed the whole matter in an entirely new way; which is a message in itself and more worthy of this website, being the very stuff of New Paradigm creating. I want people to realise that there is a completely new way of processing trauma and emotional wounding available to them now as a result of the new times that we are entering…and yet it is so easy to fall back into the old habits.
Those old habits look at everything we have be through via a karmic perspective; one that is entangled and soul-oriented. When we are in the soul operating system (OS), our convoluted interactions with “others” are all about working something out with them; something that may never become fully apparent during this lifetime and so it can seem, in a sense, like feeling around blindfolded in a room full of people.
That first attempt at what I shared was talking about this very thing and yet it still felt over-done in my reliance on processing old hurts to “explain” the conclusion I got to, which felt in the end like it was attempting to straddle two methodologies. I notice this a lot when I am endeavoring to explain something to those who may not be on quite the same page as I am, regarding the New Time energies that are now available and it irritates me when I do this. Therefore, I feel compelled to step-up and stop babying my audience, with the confidence that those who are ready will just find my material and understand every word, so here we go with version two of my post.
The (new) reality is that once you are into the “crystalised” human way of processing through any old debris that is still hanging around in your energy field, you will know it from the considerably higher perspectives you get, from which everything makes sense so much more readily, and from the absence of old emotional pain coming up to “drop” your frequency. This is because you are now operating through spirit’s “eyes”, as you in a human body; thus you gain the clarity that was once only available to you on doing a life-review, at the end of your life, under the old system. By contrast with those old days, this leaden emotional material (the subject I have now taken down from my other blog) has taken me just three days to process into a new place of transformation, with some major epiphanies along the way. It only shifted once I was prepared to jump into the new OS, thus paradigm, with both feet, after which the acceleration was incredible and I have felt it in an extremely physical sense as my body’s cellular structure has gone through a potent couple of days of aches and pains that then had me in an unusually deep sleep, like I was in a coma, last night and then quite clear and ready to share this today. Meanwhile my emotions have altered beyond recognition (and, remember, these are just energy-in-motion; they thrive best when the door is left wide open and radical shift is both allowed and encouraged, ceasing the tendency to recycle what is now “done with”).
In short, I got to this new place (there is no denying) by writing my first attempt at this post and yet….the very sharing of the circumstantial ins-and-outs of what was “happening” (or had ever happened) in the third-dimension around the matter re-entangled me to the very things I knew I was now striving to transform. The longer my post stayed out there, receiving a high number of hits (as the word “trauma” often does…), the more I felt like I was re-entangling myself to the spider’s web of karma that I am long done with. I needed to look at it all again via a higher frequency, beyond the old-paradigmn words and ideas, which very quickly got me to a brand new territory, like arriving at a viewing point high above any of the drama.
I can now summarise the whole thing as this. Akin to many people, I was born feeling “fish out of water” in a family that was very different to me in terms of frequency. Some of the behaviours I was exposed to in a very small space over a lot of years were the most abhorrent I could be subjected to, according to my personality type and energy signature. I struggled with this and yet it was a gift because it forced me to consider other ways to reconnect with something akin to my signature frequency. I also had to find a new way of being that felt more at home to me; so I began experimenting with this, even as a very young child (perhaps even because I was so young, which enabled me to suspend disbelief in order to connect with anomalous experiences beyond the three-dimensional).
I now understand how this turned into a process by which I connected with a very new wave of energy that was only just, very subtly, becoming available at the time (the “indigo” energy or “the eighth wave” of evolution…look up those tags for more posts on my website) and which, in my determination to find anything I could relate to, I managed to “contact” a decade earlier than it became more mainstream in the mid 1980s. A lot like the times we are in now, I was one of the forerunners of dialling up this new potential, because I wanted to find it so desperately, due to feeling such a misfit “down here” on earth as it then was; and I know a lot of people can relate to this where we are now. When I first made contact with this higher frequency, this left me in the `awkward position of straddling two different realities for a while…the one “in my head” and that of my family and school life. Things, unsurprisingly, became most uncomfortable for me around that time and it was cathartic in many ways that, now I look at it again, feels somewhat like how the last half decade has felt. When you are ahead of the game, there is no getting around the discomfort you feel and yet I am here to give you some comfort from the fact that it is so worth it and people catch up, in their own time.
When I reached the age of ten, what had previously been “flashes” of that indigo potential, which was a much higher-frequency of processing my reality than anyone I knew at the time seemed to have access to, began to solidify as “more” of the substance of my everyday world. This is because I made a superconscious decision to go after such experiences in a much more concerted way in order to stay grounded, as I sensed I needed to do. The only thing that had been holding me back until then was a fear that this would irreversibly separate me from my family, making it impossible for us to be on the same wavelength ever again and, being so very young, I longed to belong more than just about anything.
It was a day trip with two older siblings that I have never forgotten, in March exactly forty years ago, that solidified this intent to chase after the new frequency and be done with what didn’t work for me. I have always held the memory of that trip in some sort of “special reverence” in my recollections of childhood and yet never really figured out why since, although it broadened my experience and got me out of my limited routine, I didn’t come home any more integrated with my siblings; in fact, I had felt quite “alone in a crowd” all day. What I have finally come to realise, through a synchronicity that played out over the last week, is how it was this very powerful sense of separateness that emboldened me to fully commit to “going it alone” from now on, seeing where that would take me and, I suppose, trusting that it had to be better than the uncomfortable reality that I was in (bullied at school, the misfit younger sibling in my family and with older parents who had literally no clue what I spent my time thinking about). In a sense I chose, at that point, the new operating system over the one that connected me with blood tribe, which marked a momentous leap in my personal evolution.
Looking back, things became markedly easier for me from that time, even though I still felt “niche” in a crowd and never found myself as fully integrated with my peers as everyone else seemed to be; as though there was a fundamental miss-match of perspectives. I began to gather courage in this respect, choosing to like the fact that I felt so different to my peers and, of course, I chose to spend a lot more time alone over the next few years, becoming even more introverted than ever yet working on what felt most resonant to me as the whole point of my focus. I embraced, rather than fighting against, my personality traits for that window of time and this made things easier than they later became as an adult thrown into a much bigger pond.
All of this, of course, is how it is when you are in the first wave of a new paradigm, as many of us are experiencing right now. We long to connect yet we find precious little opportunity, within our frequency range, so we are forced to visit other people on their bandwidth. We become very experienced indeed at being the bridge between paradigms, even quite skillful at introducing “notes” of our new thinking into other people’s experience range in ways that don’t alarm them too much and yet, a trend I continue with the writing of these posts, we learn not to measure our success by the numbers of those who truly relate to us since they are very few and far between.
The last bastion of “wanting to fit in” is probably where our families are concerned for anyone prepared to make this pioneer journey. Though we can shrug off the idea of ever being surrounded by hordes of intimate friends who truly understand where we are coming from, something touches a nerve when we feel left on the outside of our family group, long after we have ceased spending any significant time with them in a physical sense. This is what happened to me when my siblings proposed getting together later this month. I felt torn in two across a great frequency chasm since I both knew in my gut that this was the most horrendous idea for me, guaranteeing a deep plunge into exposures I had done with years ago and yet part of me still felt I had to, even wanted to, go.
I know a great many rapidly evolving people who go through this same conundrum much more often than I do, yet I had managed to achieve such independence from family that this scenario had rarely come up for me over the last thirty years, mainly because I live far away and tend to see my siblings one at a time, often on my own territory or somewhere fairly neutral. I knew already that my sticking point was joining them en masse as this guaranteed a repeat of feeling like I was the odd one out, profoundly misunderstood and under a lot of pressure to drop down my frequency to fit in for the duration of two or three days. Every effort to secure some independence over that duration, for instance alternate accommodation and having a major hand in choosing where we ate (being vegan), seemed to get thwarted or be used to make me seem like the difficult one. I noticed how it took just a particular tone of voice, familiar from many years ago, to send my body back into some very old reactions once this lower frequency took a hold of me.
So, the synchronicity that I mentioned above was that a reunion with my family was proposed in the same place as that memorable and decisive trip I went on with two of them, forty years ago. Perhaps it was the synchronicity of place and the round number of years but something in me couldn’t resist trying to be there, though the logistics were terrible. When it all blew up in my face, due to family politics and old hurts coming up that I had long-ago considered dealt with, my mind set to working over time…what was all this about, there had to be a higher purpose?
That was when I shared the first post on this topic; and yet it felt leaden and so I quickly took it down again. I see now that its content didn’t fit my new frequency, which is how I knew wasn’t me talking so much as a hologram of a version of me from a very different iteration. That iteration was a me that hadn’t made, not only one but, two major leaps in consciousness (numerous smaller ones) since my early childhood days, having recently upgraded to the crystal OS (see my post Crystalising), thus its hurts came from another time and way of looking at things. As soon as I “went there” to join in this conversation with my family, I felt my frequency drop two levels and it felt awful; my body experienced so much pain, like I was in a car-crusher, thus my reactions to the situation in hand only became more emotional and I probably sounded more than a little highly-strung as I tried to make myself heard in their language, my own being out of the person I was dealing with’s range. Try as I might to keep the vibe high with joy and enthusiasm, I felt myself tumbling downwards and could only imagine how the event itself would draw me into more of these feelings when I got there. The fish out of water now felt like a bird falling from the sky!
I want to make something clear here; I have no issue with varying frequencies per se (the world is full of them, it’s the very basis of the sheer variety of human experience that is available, which is what we came here to experience). The problems I experience as a child were when one particular frequency tried to force itself upon or dominate mine, as was the case with one particular sibling, and in ways detrimental to my ability to find respite or recuperation, thus my stress levels went through the roof. My family are lovely and intelligent people, typical of the range of most people with a soul OS, with lows and many highs of frequency across a range of behaviours but they never seemed to relate to the peak of my range and, in some cases, to make a game of bringing it down a few pegs or to laugh it off. Demonstrable “logic” is the determining benchmark, especially amongst the dominant males of my family and, try as I might, my entire reality falls down the cracks of that perspective. I long ago gave up bashing my head against such immoveable brick walls…but, where family is concerned, walls have a way of following.
Yet I felt real excitement at the prospect of saying yes to this reunion (which later confused me, until I came to realise how I was sensing the potential transformation “up ahead” that I am now sharing in this post rather than looking forward to the actual reunion itself). Yet, immediately I said I would go, I registered such discomfort in my field, since there’s nothing more “off” feeling than being drawn into a frequency range that is not yours, as the sense of longing around family attachments can induce you to attempt like almost nothing else in this world. From then on, every laboured detail of the arrangements, ever struggle to make things work to suit all of us, felt like I was being dragged over hot coals and, worst of all, I knew I was overriding all of my own instincts on the matter until, finally, I decided not to go after all…and relief came flooding in.
Why had this come up? To highlight to me the same theme as forty years ago…a tendency to “hold myself back” for fear that if I fully run with my next evolution (in this case, the crystallisation process) I will be left isolated and have no further way of “contacting” people that I have known all my life, such as my blood relatives. Yes, I would be able to contact them in 3D but would we ever truly relate to one another anymore since that is my weakest domain; or would they continue to think I was “as mad as a barrel of frogs” (only more with each passing year)? In a sense, my resolve was being tested before I made a much more concerted leap into the crystal energies without, as it were, looking back over my shoulder any more.
In no time at all, having made this leap, I was able to do some potent work with releasing their energy, one in particular, from my field, where I still found remnants of them still woven into my own structures (where nobody should be…except for you; yet memory entanglements such as trauma will hold these structures in place for whole lifetimes unless you do the work). Then by reclaiming, and cleansing, my own energy from theirs (which delivered some surprising and powerful results, including finding the pristine blueprint of my undamaged photonic “light frequency” DNA codes, taken from me shortly after birth, preserved through the very act of being tucked away in someone else’s security deposit box all these years…more on that playful theory in my forthcoming book), I have my answers and some healing. Because the one language that persists between all of us is the language of love; I still love them, unconditionally (as I see I always did, which was the so-called tragedy of my childhood at times when I wasn’t always being treated well), thus there is no reliance on me “getting them” or them needing to “understand me”. They never did before so why lament this being so absent now; I merely need to own up to what is already the case and take heart from it. I have no doubt we will spend many more pleasant times together in the coming years but perhaps not in such a laboured way which, on this occasion, felt utterly cathartic at the higher dimensions; yet just too loaded to continue with in the third dimension. Through standing up for myself, I suspect I have just claimed a degree of neutrality, in my reactions to them, that I have as yet to road-test, which should be interesting next time. Perhaps we can avoid a total paradigm clash and achieve something…fresher.
I just want to add, one person “got me” not so long into my first OS upgrade all those years ago; and this was my mother who, by the time I was into my teens and beyond, was talking “barrel of frogs” language with me like a native. In fact, it is my belief, I rubbed off on her more than a little bit and she underwent her own evolution leap a few years later, only to decide to leave this dimension to continue it elsewhere (which is why I felt just so abandoned when she died). These days, I find my best ally in my sister who is picking up that baton of joining me in my weird corner; and seems to be “getting me” a little more every day now. As for my daughter, not only does she get me but I get her, for which she is very glad indeed as she is noticing how none of her friends’ parents seem to be on anything like the same page. We freely connect in both this and other dimensions; and talk about it openly like other people discuss the news (she also found the recent family drama I got caught up in funny as it’s all so antiquated to her). Perhaps, as a friend said to me the other day, it is the women who are most open to this paradigm leap; they who dig in their heels the least, who are most curious and thus so much less riddled with a fear-based compunction to shoot down whatever is deemed to be “alien”. Yet, in the older of two brothers, I find a model of balance in his preparedness to hear both sides of any story and on that I pin my optimism that we are all headed the same way in the end, albeit it at quite varying paces.
I mentioned finally owning up to being different to my family (acceptance being inherent in that) and, yes, “owning up” to many things has been such a big part of this transformation process, particularly to my own unique traits. I find my energetic signature all over this five-decade long story and it helps me to know myself more fully than ever before. I find, also, such strong evidence for my own unique personality type which, far from being a hindrance, has been my very best friend throughout all of this, for all it made me so different to the rest of my family and the vast majority of my peers.
I have never been more fascinated by my sense that personality is not some mere accident of circumstance (the conditioning of all of life’s hard-knocks), which is as the old soul OS would have had me believe, but that it is something quite unique to me and most carefully chosen as a super-power to support me throughout all my adventures in being human.
Thus, I find Myers-Briggs more useful than ever as a rule of thumb for, at least, starting to decipher “how you tick”, which leads you straight towards what your spirit chose as the most appropriate vehicle for its physical road trip. What personality “buttons” and “features” do you have on your dashboard? They are all a clue back to blueprint you; they can even help direct you towards your dharma.
My clues are written all over my extremely rare INFJ (less than 1% of the population) personality type, as written about on Living Whole HERE. and HERE. I was always meant to be one of those who feel like a fish out of water since getting to know how this feels, from a very young age, is how INFJs become the well-versed forerunners of an era of change. From birth onwards, we are already so familiar with that feeling of “being different” and “misunderstood” and with having to be utterly self-reliant through thick and thin. Nothing is more formidable than my ability to stand up for myself, even at the risk of sounding, as I keep saying, “as mad a barrel of frogs” to those more reliant on mainstream logic for their behaviour guidelines, and as demonstrated again this very week. This is where my family has done me the most enormous favour, providing the very training ground in which I get to test this out, ensuring that fitting in was never part of my famiar experience range, and so I am particularly grateful for them.
Owning my personality peculiarities as a particular strength, newly regarding them as the very leading edge of all of my gifts, is what feels most empowering about this whole episode since I realise I did not choose to come here to be comfortable or to “belong” in a crowd but to be one of those who dared to be a pioneer into a whole new territory, however tempting it may be to keep looking backwards. I had to learn to remain determined to step forwards even at those times when to step towards what feels more aligned to my frequency risks making me appear more weird, highly strung or plain bonkers to people whose opinions have always mattered to me. Speaking our truth, eloquently, is something we are particularly good at, especially when under pressure from non-resonant circumstances (so, just wait for the long manifesto of what we do resonate with to appear at the end…this is how we are helping to process into a different world reality). Oh and we are natural-born mystics (more on that below). If I come across as somewhat ruthless in my refusal to conform when it just doesn’t feel right to me, then I make no apology. I could put it no better than Jacob Nordby does here:
“I need to be startlingly clear. This thing of finding your authentic voice, expressing your blessed weirdness and revealing your soul isn’t an elegant process. You don’t do it to be cool. You don’t do it to get laid or get rich. It’s only real when it is ruthless, relentless and inevitable. But it is also a matter of personal and collective survival. Yes, it’s that important. You are that critical.” Blessed are the Weird — Jacob Nordby
If this family scenario has been a lifetime’s worth of endurance training for me then I feel as though I have just walked away with the gold medal and I encourage you to look at some of your own trials and tribulations through this newly crystallised perspective; it really does enable whatever used to feel like an immovable rock of pain to transform into a multifaceted diamond.
Finally, know this….the best feelings are awaiting you when you follow the path of your own momentum, and stop hankering for what everyone else has, including approval. If you are a contrarian, a heretic, a mystic at heart (as those who help to shift paradigms are…) then walk that sometimes solitary path with a smile and stop worrying about acceptability. To quote Nordby again:
“mystics rattle our reality tunnels. They walk a lonely path because most humans are invested in seeing through a fixed belief window. Mystics help us to understand that there is a whole lot more to the picture. Even though we might not understand their paradoxes and metaphors, something in us knows that we are thrilled to be connected to an intelligent system so imponderably massive that our minds cannot comprehend the wholeness of it for more than a split second at a time.” (Jacob Nordby — Blessed are the Weird).
If you have reached the point where you are able to hold that enormity for more than just a split second then, for goodness sake, don’t trade that in for acceptability or inclusion. Run with it, trusting others will follow.
When we stop looking over our shoulder or comparing with others, trying to fit in, to be the same as everyone else, we get into our own slip stream of joy and resonance. People…the right people…will catch up, other people will just show up and our bodies will stop throwing up all the signs and clues that we are trying to force our round peg into a square hole. I can assure you, the feeling on the other side of making that effort is quite new which, having now compared it with some of the longest running lower-vibe sensations of my life, I can say with some authority. Enjoy this new wave as it comes in to you!
As for the original post on Living Whole HERE, I will edit that to expand on some closely related thoughts on the importance of working with personality type to heal trauma.
Now this post, I resonate with! I was going to leave a comment on the other one, since I also grew up in a climate of sibling bullying, to mention how useful I found Peter Levine’s techniques to restructure my neurology to heal from the trauma, but by the time I was on a computer, the impulse was gone. Now I see what caused that impulse to dissipate!
The spirit’s eye sees such wholeness, doesn’t it?
Love it! We are ploughing through this stuff so fast now….its left for star dust 😀
I just reposted the article on Living Whole…only its evolved completely. Not sure the link will get emailed again so here it is https://living-whole.org/2019/03/11/healing-through-trauma/