Many things, so many modalities or models of thinking have got me to where I am today but the place they have most resoundingly led me to is where I most-confidently question every “way of thinking” that presents itself, even including those that got me here. So many times, I have been tempted to deep-dive a modality, become its expert, wear its t-shirt, join its team, identify with it, businessify it, make it my speciality but, each time that temptation has come to me, I’ve resisted the urge like I was being chased down by a net on a stick. Because, actually, what feels like the next biggest leap I can make is to, as it were, dismantle the very ladder that lifted me up to this high vantage place and just enjoy the unspoilt view. It’s not a case of rejecting the means out of hand or even fighting with those ideas so much as daring to declare that “even that which showed me how to be this unlimited is now limiting me since it was seeking to define me or enclose me into its belief system and I MUST keep thinking outside of that box in order to keep growing”.
In fact our next best-answer might lie in the very opposite “thing” to what we believed-in most ardently just a short moment ago…or the thing that was standing side-by-side with “our truth” yet which we didn’t notice since our gaze was so fixed…this is what life keeps suggesting to me now, when I’m most prepared to remain open to it. Over and over, in many different forms, I am feeling this truth and making the choice of openness over safe enclosure. I experience the same thing in all my high-sensitivity to life, all the minute awareness to everything going on; too much, it feels like, so much of the time. When I soften and allow and pull away from the enclosed intensity and the labelling of it all, I allow something softer, warmer, more effusive to birth out of me, like watching a flower break from the bud. Sometimes, in the most intense, stimulatory, provocatory circumstances, like being in the midst of a heaving multi-directional crowd in a city, I can feel the beauty of this most exquisitely as I allow it all to blur into oneness and become the molten velvet that feels like an egg exploding warm yellow all around me, its shell-boundary burst and golden potential spilling forth.
Suddenly its as though I am riding on the fluidity of this feeling, carried along by it, sailing on an ocean comprised of many droplets, watching everything yet somehow detached and immune to its vagaries; and I can watch the beautiful patterns, discern the coherent themes. Its something that happened to me first a long time ago on an unforgetable city day in a crowd…my awakening; and I seem to repeat it more and more often, these days, during these moments of high intensity; sensations coming through my nervous system that are almost too much to be borne, as though I am so aware of everything that I am literally being called this way and that by so much definition and identification… yet choosing, instead, not to be limited by any of it. Then, when that moment of bursting through those barriers happens, it is all the more beautiful and profound for being in the context of so much that is opposite, like a shoot breaking through soil…a tight-old paradigm prised apart by love.
It means waving goodbye to the dream of expertise…maybe, even, of belonging to a family of like-minded types who share these same values, stroke each other’s feathers down in endless agreement…yet I want none of that; not when I get to choose this spiritual nomadism, a new prospect around every corner.
Then, and only then, I get to use bits and pieces of everything I ever learned along the way without branding myself a hard-lined believer in anything. Rather, I get to be open to it all and take only what resonates in that moment. In this place, I find that fear of “other” is obsolete; I simply choose or let it pass by. My defensiveness, my bracedness for reaction, is gone. Instead, my field only widens and I can receive whatever is a match, in that single moment. My healing awaits only my affirmative as kindness comes in from unexpected places.
With fear gone from it, I am no longer limited to using a “tried and tested” methodology but can get gone beyond that kind of experience into a sort of dance between my own temporary perspective and whatever is being offered…leaping beyond into brand new territory, led by that most important guide of all, the feeling inside of me, right here and now.