It was a really intense night, one of those where you don’t feel like you’re sleeping all that deeply but then you keep taking deep dives; some of the deepest ever. One of my dreams, about the only one I could recall, was that I ‘d just been burgled; someone had been in my house and taken some important things and I was beside myself checking them off against some sort of inventory that wouldn’t come into focus to my eyes. They hadn’t ransacked the place, they’d come in kind-of stealthily and plucked what felt like such important things yet how could I check off what was missing when I wasnt even sure myself; like I hadn’t even noticed what I had until it was taken away. There was so much frustration to the dream; did I care about this stuff or didn’t I?

The day before had been so mammoth; a giant epiphany, perhaps the biggest of twelve years of trying to recover my health. I’d had a huge breakthrough in self-diagnosis via the incredible Anthony William, the Medical Medium and all of a sudden my scattered jigsaw was fitting together without gaps. In the wholeness of the picture, I find the promise of completion and yet…just for now…I’m treading softly, knowing there is much more recovery process to be done and that, in this moment, I need to honour the part of me that is in mourning on receiving the full understanding of all I have been through to date. Something had just been made solid which, whilst unlabeled, felt dreamlike and could be denied…by me and even by others; everything felt different somehow in its aftermath.

When I woke up from my second deep sleep, I felt done…so done and weary with it all, having so recently audited all I had been through with William’s help. Hearing all those complex and unravelling symptoms of my last decade, their seriousness, laid out like that in a list…that had been sobering, awe-striking, it could have buckled my knees if I had known what I was getting into at the time. The thing is, I didn’t; I had been cushioned in confusion for years but now…now I knew I needed that clarity, those edges, to lever me out into the light once and for all. In fact, I’d stood on a hilltop and declared my need for understanding and resolution to the skies less than a week ago; and now my answer had come boomeranging back…as this.

Knowing something can have such a powerful impact on the cells of the body…for positive or no; and I can feel my cells coming to terms with what they have just learned, can sense them reformatting and shifting a little confusedly where they meet, like a vast crowd of people, used to feeling their way in the dark, whose whole paradigm of reality just altered because the lights were switched on. I’m holding space for them to interpret what they know positively and calmly; am taking things gently and very mindfully today.

So what if what I have been through for years is its own version of my close friend’s determination to take what otherwise labels-up as a stage 3 cancer and dissolve away its definition, its expectations, to make it softer and infinitely more treatable? A big and growing part of me is becoming amazed at how much more INTACT I feel than I would have believed I could have been if you had told me all this was going to happen to me at its very beginning. If I’d been sat down by a doctor and given its name and its prognosis, its tidal wave would have hit me full on like a tsunami; instead, I find I’ve been surfing it with such surprising grace, like the perfect wave!

l61smgu3y7w-jeremy-bishopBecause I have had no label to give to what was going on with my health for so very long, I was able to swallow its bigness and swim through it even when I was bone-weary; drawing on a reserve of courage I never knew I had and never losing myself to expectations hung around its symptoms and what they supposedly meant. I went at it like a child, using my innate abilities, or as if I was the lone inhabitant of an island with no doctors to ask (since I had long since stopped asking) yet maybe this is what kept me going with such remarkable fortitude that people still sometimes fail to notice that there’s anything challenging me; in my real life, though I write about it, I don’t wear it around my neck. Its very-often the expectation of a certain outcome that “get us” in the end, as I’ve talked about many times before…and I had been forced to surrender all expectations but one; that I was always “whole” no matter what, never mind whatever else happened to me, and would take my life moment to moment, always searching for the gifts.

So I can let the frustrating dream of last night go since I notice how it really doesn’t matter what I think I may have lost or “had taken from me” in the “house” of a body that looks so intact that no one would ever believe its been burgled; perhaps that’s its saving grace since I still have a house to live in. If I can’t remember what those things were then none of them were important and I find myself standing here holding so very much more in this moment than I had at the start. As I see it, perhaps those things I used to have weren’t taken away but given so that I could make room for all the gifts that continue to flow into my life, day after day after day.

Read more about my milestone health breakthrough on Living Your Whole Life – Shingles without the rash?

Related posts – Allowing life to be soft & Surfing the wave

For your own personal health breakthrough, I heartily recommend Anthony William’s website In William I find the embodiment of all that my talks about left and right approaches to health recovery (and life) would have expected to happen next. We have relied completely upon an empirical approach to health for just so long, then using diagnosis to tell us what to expect, thus placing a hard shell around what we consider to be posible whilst exluding (to our detriment) all that we can’t yet know through our rational minds. William quantum leaps us to a  place of having access to information about health that we don’t have the empirical support for…yet…but which is providing startling answers to some of chronic health’s most resilient conundrums; a reminder that right-brained intuition has an equal part to play in all we think we know about our human reality, connecting many of the dots that our logical minds overlook. This, I believe, is where health (and science in general) need to head to rebalance our reality and jump-start us out of some of our most stuck places.

About Helen White

Helen White is a professional artist and published writer with two primary blogs to her name. Her themes pivot around health and wellbeing, expanded consciousness and ways of noticing how life is a constant dance between the deeply subjective and the collective-universal, all of which she explores with a daily hunger to get to know herself better. Her blog Living Whole shines a light on living with high sensitivity, dealing with trauma and healing from chronic health issues. Spinning the Light is an extremely broad-based platform where she elucidates the everyday alchemy of relentless self-exploration. A lifetime of "feeling like an outsider" slowly emerged as neurodivergence (being a Highly Sensitive Person with ADHD, synaesthesia, sensory processing challenges and other defecits overlapping with giftedness). All of these topics are covered in her blogs, written from two distinct vantage points so, if you have enjoyed one of them, you may wish to explore the other for a different, yet entirely complimentary, perspective.
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