Its no coincidence that I wrote about Roy Harper earlier this week and am now onto Kate (Bush)…Its Easter after all, my self-created traditional time for revisiting my musical mother and father (as you will more fully “get” if you read that earlier post). The urge to play “Lionheart” this morning was way too strong to deny; it went with a certain light in the room and a tinge of bright yellow in the garden colours, that unmistakable feeling of Easter and a childhood longing for Derbsyhire (though I’ve not been there for the longest time…); these things always conspire to bring the pair of them up for me, every year without fail, though stronger this year than ever. Curiosity rose in me to see what was trying to bubble up to the surface for me to newly understand, in the way that these associations always work to tell me things I am now ripe to hear…
In that organic way that Kate lyrics always do, the words “…for now I know that I’m needed for the symphony” sounded out just a little clearer than the rest this morning, as if I had just spoken them to myself. Timely indeed for, this week, I attended a healing session with Kimberly Solari who uses her impressive collection of crystal singing bowls to retune the energy centres of the body and repair DNA; a healing modality I felt ought to exist even before I synchronistically discovered her through one of those bizarre social media suggestions. For a long time now, especially as I have released ever more layers of deep cellular memory from my body as part of my healing, I have returned to the conviction that my next focus needs to be to repair my DNA and get my body tuned “back” to some sort of harmonious factory-setting that I have long maintained it is capable of; to repair all the cellular damage and allow the body to catch up with where I am now “at”. Long illness…life itself…gets us all out of tune, year on year and it was such a strong impulse in me that I needed this kind of therapy even before I found it.
The session with Kimberley was nothing short of remarkable and I would fail to do it justice to attempt to describe it in words; but I can share that, since it took place, there has been a new and palpable current of “peace” and, I suppose you could call it, “heightened objectivity” coursing through my body’s electrical system whilst, at the same time, feeling like I am a far more harmonious “fit” with all of life going on around me. I do feel tuned up and more tuned in; in a way that is far less jarring for me personally and which feels like all my own notes are collaborating to produce a more appealing chord; one that sounds like me. The broader sense is of now knowing (beyond the intellectual understanding of it…) that I have a particular “sound” that is all my own and that it makes significant contribution to the whole symphony of other beings on this planet; that we all have this unique “sound” to offer to the whole. There’s a way to go with my retuning yet (more sessions already booked) but I am starting to gain a newly tangible sense of how I fit into this big crazy world…by offering a sound that is uniquely mine.
So there she was, saying this very thing in a song that I first heard over the same Easter weekend that I first discovered Roy, in 1979 – and yet the words more apt this time than in any of the other countless thousand times before. Or, to take the lyric to its fullest:
I see myself suddenly
On the piano, as a melody.
My terrible fear of dying
No longer plays with me,
for now I know that I’m needed
For the symphony.
That terrible fear of dying is, I suppose, the condensed version of all that I have been through to date…and I have never felt more detached from it than I am right now as I work on making my own sound, without suppression or apology. I realise, suddenly, there was a feeling or a frequency I was anticipating when I was that child knitting together those colours, that music, all those vivid March associations…and that feeling is truly emerging in me now, as my reality. What this music set up for me was not a simple nostalgia for the past whenever I heard it but an anticipation of somewhere I was heading; it projected me forwards towards something that resonated deeply with me…a taster of what was possible, a preview of what was yet to come, which I would then recognise for having “got there” through the reminder in the sounds I was hearing. Each year at this time, with each layer of associated memory that I had matched and added to that original one, through the reminder in the music, I had inched my way ever closer to myself, like I had been tuning myself against the tuning fork of my own frequency. That frequency is Who I Am and I am getting markedly closer every year, every day now…better and better at expressing it as a clear and confident note.