Dare to become your own master

If your inbox is anything like mine, it’s probably awash with people inviting you on mastery courses and workshops, virtual or otherwise. There’ll be 10 day cleanses and spiritual retreats pouring out of the sky, not to mention invitations from friends and acquaintances offering their latest program, seeking your validation in the form of an instant sign up. There may have been a stage when you dived into all this, and probably spent a fortune (and a lot of time), exploring other people’s methods.

Once you start to crystallise, you notice how your interest in these things starts to wane. Whilst you want to root for your friends and keep up with people’s newsletters, being more than happy to keep the expansive dialogue with such people alive, your desire to “sign up” and even pay for other people’s know-how will probably reach an all-time low (in fact paying for information will seem to become a particular “rub” for reasons that, at first, defeat you). Your “old” head might even question this, thinking you’re losing your self-improvement grip; or you may panic that a side-effect of becoming more embodied lately is that you no longer seem to be interested in “spirituality”, which used to be your biggest passion.

That’s probably not true; it’s just that you are becoming your own master now…and owning it. There’s a hand-over of the reins to your own innate knowing on almost every subject there is and this isn’t arrogance or foolhardiness so much as a tipping of the balance. We’ve spent our whole lives seeking information from outside of ourselves and now, we realise, we have direct access to everything we need for our own particular dharma. We might not know everything but that’s because it’s not our path to do so; however we know what we need to know in the very moment that we need to know that thing, and we can hear that information clearer when we’re not trying to pick it up in a room full of other people talking.

Like we used to meditate to gain our cosmic oversight, we now check in with this all the time and, when we need to go in deeper, we can just stop for a short time and will find all the signposts we need. We find, in any case, that when something from outside resonates, it’s because we knew that already, at some level (perhaps not admitted to ourselves until somebody else pointed it out…which gave us the confidence to believe ourself, only now we feel annoyed that they said it first…) In fact, if you’re noticing this degree of annoyance with other people’s teachings, rather than judging yourself for being snarky or jealous of others, look to the real reason for this annoyance; being that you were annoyed at your own lapse in self-belief.

If paying for what another person has to offer you becomes a particular “rub”; or if you feel as though you gave as much to them as they gave to you during the interaction, making the additional money transaction feel distasteful or unfair, then you have reached this point in your crystallisation process. In my case, I began to notice how therapists would  often start writing down notes from the information I was sharing or even experiencing monumental personal breakthroughs, crying, releasing, expressing such gratitude for the effect I had had and so eager for me to come again etc., catalysed by our two-way interaction…which then made the writing of a cheque at the end seem terribly wrong somehow because it left things unbalanced. It occured so many times, with healers of different disciplines, that I’ve often thought about writing a post called “Are you healing your healer?” I sometimes came away feeling as though they had needed to see me more than I needed to see them, feeling guilty if I postponed or cancelled the next session, or like it was (for me) a friendship rather than a service…however, one that I was having to pay for, which is not a good feeling. If this is you, its time for you to consider that you already had what that person was offering to you and it was lack of confidence that sent you off to see them, not an actual requirement for more external guidance. Your annoyance is that you failed to realise this before signing up to yet another superfluous source of information. You submitted to the imbalance that has been playing out between you and that other person that you’ve been paying twice, if that is what has been happening, and this is what has truly got your goat!

There’s a phrase that’s rung out loud and true for me for such a long time – ”take what resonates, leave the rest”.

jared-weiss-228317-unsplashWhen you haven’t invested in material (as in, bought into a program, paid to receive a certain method or subscribed to a particular school of thought) you remain much more at liberty to do this, since the act of investment is more powerful than we give credit. “Signing-up” (the phrase that is liberally bandied around wherever there is self-improvement merchandise to be had) is an energetic contract committing us to a particular point of view. Then we start to get into the territory of internal struggle when what someone is telling us doesn’t resonate or, you could say, ring our truth bell, yet (because we signed-up or paid money) we still make ourselves hear it out, give it lip service or many more chances than it deserves to prove to us that we need it, overriding our own (often quite instant and compelling) misgivings. I should add, that’s not because its “wrong” per se but that its wrong for us, in this moment, which is all that matters and we should listen. It might even be that we agree with every word…but that it offers nothing that we don’t already know, so we could have done all this work without signing up, which we feel bad about admitting to ourselves; yet, in some way, we feel held back or slowed down by going over this old material again…and we know it. Yet we feel like a failure or a drop-out if we consider walking away and so we judge ourselves before we negate the thing that didn’t ring true (such is our self-doubt entrainment).

This is where we start to feel much worse, rather than better, for the engagement and this happens more and more as we crystallise, which is bewildering at first; like taking a backward step. It’s why remaining a free agent, sampling many things with a wide-open mind, is the way forwards but, most of all, taking heed from our “inner knowing”, since this is a fully balanced head-and-heart collaboration from now on. Like a giant beanstalk, we also need plenty of space to grow…since the sky is the limit and we are not all in the same corner of the garden, with a one-size fits all patch of earth. Just because you relate to bits of what someone is saying and have quite a lot in common doesn’t mean you are breaking through boundaries into new paradigms at the same rate. We each have pur own unique dharma to fulfill and nothing should limit, divert or slow down the one we are starting to reveal to ourselves.

So whether this is a therapist you’ve been seeing, a Facebook group you belong to, a so-called  “mastery” course, a regular energy “forecast” or an eating program, the advice is the same…feel into it and trust yourself above anything (or anyone) else. If it truly doesn’t resonate, without having to over-analyse why, consider discontinuing or cancelling the subscription (cleaning up obsolete memberships is just so important, at the energetic level, as these entanglements continue to assert a sway while we remain connected). As you get better at this, you realise that you are always free to take what resonates and leave the rest (nobody can hold you prisoner with their ideas) but you may want to start questioning more carefully whether to sign up or invest in these products in the first place, or at least get quicker at tactfully dropping out as soon as they feel wrong, regardless of any prior arrangements made. Stop worrying so much about other people’s feelings and opinions of you (they will get something out of this in ways you don’t need to know about; since you can’t go wrong when following your divine truth) and stop, for heaven’s sake, using that as an excuse not to step up to yourself!

In short, this impasse is easily remedied, just as soon as we get out of the guru-seeking mentality and look to ourselves to step up as that guru, honouring that part of us that is wiser, and notices more, than we ever admitted. So the more we go to ourselves for what we need, the less time (and money) we waste seeking confirmation from others and we literally begin to feel more whole, taller, stronger and infinitely more capable. Our whole nervous system begins to relax since we are intact from the moment we step out of bed; not looking for other things to plug into our information gaps, like we have to stick fingers into a burst dam to get through our day.

And if we do need those confirmatory clues, synchronicities will speak to us every which way we look. These bizarre coincidences, which start to happen every day, in more and more ways when we are observant, are the universe’s way of saying “yes, you’re on track” so we never wander too far from the path. Reading this divine map gets easier and easier since it is “just for us”, being personalised in every detail. The last thing we want is to get diverted by other people’s methods and preoccupations since they, too, are following their own self-tailored path of synchronicities and divinely delivered information (along with other influences we don’t need to know about since we are all, to larger and lesser extents, human). Rigidity of thinking, above all, is something we no longer feel comfortable around and we find this in some surprising enlightened circles, so we want to remain free to question even that…since nothing is outside of our burning crystal scrutiny now. Once again, that’s not to say that other people’s ways are wrong (or that we won’t find intriguing cross-over points that we will want to discuss with them…and we wish them every success on their path) but that their way is their way; and this way is now, most definitely, ours since we have claimed it. We get so much better at asking for what we need; not from some information source in the three-dimesnional but beyond that…yet, at the same time, found within us. When we do this, what we asked for has this way of presenting to us, just as we most need it.

So, clearly ask for what you need, every day…wish I could teach this to everyone!

We find, in crystallising (which is to bring all-encompassing divinity into the very cells of our body in an as-near-to balanced arrangement as possible), that we desire to become even more individualised and autonomous than ever; which is the beautiful paradox that wants to be revealed as us. Nobody else is quite like us and we each come with our own in-built package of divinely appropriate information, which will flex, expand and tailor itself perfectly to meet our every most-human expression of the sheer diversity of choice along the ever winding route of self-exploration.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Life choices, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When did Earth become our least favourite thing?

Imagine you have a favourite item of clothing; let’s call it a shirt. When you first get it, you’re so pleased, fixating on every detail. You wear it for Sunday best and “going out” to special places; and it’s always well looked after, without a crinkle, lovingly handled and appreciated often. A little further down the line, you slip into wearing it on other occasions when you run out of other clothes. You get a little more careless in its handling; throwing it in the tumble-dryer when you’re in a rush to get it dry. Suddenly, you are mixing it in with your other clothes and now it has a threadbare patch or a hem coming loose but you still nurture a fondness for it; perhaps you even repair it once or twice. In the end, you take it for granted; its to be found screwed up on your bedroom floor or sat on where you left it on the sofa. Finally, you forget to take it off when you’re working on your car or touching up the paint in your house…

Planet earth has been treated a lot like that. For a long time, we seem to have perpetuated a relative respect for it, a bit like the shirt worn more often than it used to be yet still appreciated…until we got clumsy. In our relatively new industrious state, we were too busy to take care of it like before and, when it took the knocks of wearing it out in pursuit of our own careless “needs”, we got more haphazard about putting things right as mishaps occurred.

This seems to have deteriorated into something like the scrunched-up and treated badly phase of the shirt since the 1970s. Up until then, it feels as though we still took relative care of our planet, most of the time (by which I refer to the average Joe, not the way the Pacific was being used for nuclear testing or any of the corporate abuses that were already well underway). Your average person wouldn’t just throw their litter in a field in the mid 1970s, I don’t believe, based on my own recollections of that era and the upbringing I had from my parents and school. Or, at least, not those over a certain age, though the new junk-food culture and the cool-points attached to adopting a certain nonchalance around behaviour such as littering, as encouraged by films and TV, did much to harm this status quo from that point on.

Perhaps that era expected those kids to grow out of it but they never did; becoming the next generation of adults who, like so many overgrown teenagers, continue leave so much mess for other people to clear up, setting that example for their own kids. I find myself in a world where its completely normal for huge piles of fly tipped waste full of sharp objects and solvents to be left down country lanes by “grown-up’ building firms or broken prams and toys to be abandoned in the nearby pond by the “grown-up” parents to kids on the local housing estate. Rubbish gets thrown out of moving vehicles all along my road (which the elderly of the community volunteer to pick up several times a year since the council can’t keep up with it), the simple rules for recycling household waste get ignored and its “the thing” to have chinese lanterns and helium balloons at every celebration, never thinking about where they end up at the end of the night. Speaking to the guy who lives next to my local beauty spot, he says he can’t bear to walk by the river’s edge once the evenings become lighter because he invariably comes across groups of people, including families with kids, gathered there by the weir, with their bags of supermarket food and drink in all its associated packaging. “Please make sure you take all that rubbish home with you” he will say to the adults of the groups. “Oh yeah yeah, of course” they always say; but then, the next morning when he walks his dogs, all their rubbish, the wrappers, the burned out barbecue tray, are left strewn by the water’s edge…

Where it has really gone wrong is over the last three decades, during which it has become normalised not to think about the consequences of littering the environment with all the plastic debris left over from our convenient lifestyles. There’s a disconnect between people and the environment and it has only become worse since the age of the mobile phone. Now, people walk around as though in their own biosphere since all of their own friends (who share their same views) and, in fact, their own mini-verse in digital form is carried around with them wherever they go via the device that seldom leaves their hand. Face, it, most people pay more attention to that world in a handset than they do to the actual world going on around them; they stare into it even as they sit in a field or walk the dog. Added to the way that “chain” businesses and restaurants make it seem as though everywhere is really just the same place…same burger bar and other franchises, same signage, same city layout…its as though they simply don’t register when they have moved from one place into another. It’s all the same and, when sameness is everywhere, those same behaviours that “do” on the littered pavements around shopping malls, where invisible cleaners pop out to sweep it all away, are assumed to be normal as they drive down country lanes and hang out in fields or parks.

The other evening, I shared a post on social media about the harm that plastic rings from around plastic bottles do to wildlife when they get caught around their heads and beaks. The pictures were horrible; terribly upsetting, and this is news that needs to be passed on to those who have no idea what harm they are taking part in, yet I had the lowest response of any social media post I had ever shared. Perhaps this stuff is simply not real for most people; and they prefer to keep it that way, focusing on funny videos of the antics of pet dogs and cats and other humanised abstractions of what animals supposedly are out in social media land. It’s all too real for me. Last night, I came across a helium balloon from (no doubt) a kids party at the nearby village hall, now bobbing around in a farmer’s field close to the nesting birds I’ve been watching on my daily walks. I was unable to retrieve it since it was over a “no trespassing” farmers fence with a wire top so the sense of frustration and helplessness was profound; though I have often carried these balloons home to dispose of them from my walks in the past.

Then this morning (which is a clue as to how often these incidents are coming to my attention), my usual sunrise view from my window was embellished by a large plastic thing, either a bag or another inflatable (I can now see its another huge silver balloon), caught at the top of a very tall tree in my elderly neighbour’s garden. It’s not the aesthetics of theses two situations that makes me so livid, though yes that too, but the fact of witnessing these harms take place, knowing what a peril they are to wildlife and the environment. The behaviours that led to them has become normalised; this is the difficulty. How normal it is to let balloons or lanterns off into the sky like they simply vanish into thin air….how normal yet how naive. Here’s the paradox: we seem to be part of the generation that is, at once, the most informed yet most tragically naive since truth is something people get to custom-build from what they choose to focus their attention on (and there are just so many choices now).

Screenshot 2019-03-30 at 21.58.21

A shocking reality to be part of: “Even in rich countries, recycling rates are low. Globally, 18 percent of all plastic is recycled. Europe manages 30 percent, China 25—the United States only 9.”

Only a few months ago, I came across a dead swan on my walk…a relative mystery, though I had my suspicious, until its flesh started to rot away and there in its gullet and deep into its guts was the long tangled ribbon and plastic attachments, the deflated silvery mess, of another party balloon.  If the child whose birthday that was had any idea…if she could have seen that majestic bird’s death throes; what a party-pooper!

As legislation is murmured about, calling for a ban to the chinese lanterns that terrorise and injure livestock (I just read about a horse caught on fire by one of these) and cause all sorts of dangers and harms in our environment, I ask why these balloons are any more necessary or tolerated; just for one moment’s predictable excitement among many for children and even adults who, I like to think, would care more about the animals they go on to harm. When, if ever, do these balloons get disposed of appropriately (if there is such a thing…) rather than allowed to float off into the sky. How long before they join the plastic hell in our oceans where so many birds and other wildlife are dying from ingesting this pollution that it looks like a holocaust taking place…which, really, it is (see Albatros trailer below). This culture of “not my problem” and “out of sight, out of mind” has got well out of hand. Earth has apparently become the lease favourite, least attention-garnering, most taken-for-granted, thing in most people’s minds and this is a balance that needs to be tipped or we are truly done for; there’s a truth we would all have to share!

It’s not often that I have a rant in this blog but I feel my eco-dragon wanting so badly to be unleashed during these days and weeks following what has been a profound grounding process…from being so spiritually focussed that I endeavoured to transcend these realities to where I find myself now fully confronted by these harsh realities of what it means to be human in this era that I feel I must say and do my part. Right now, it’s a sorry thing to be that human when seen in association with all the (just so dominant) behaviours of the collective and it is for all of us who believe in an alternate reality to tip that balance. This can’t be done by being polite, mute, spiritually disengaged or decorous around these topics; we have to say what we think, do what we have to do, get involved like it really matters…and much more often than we used to…and so I am!


Albatros is a film that everyone should see – watch the trailer below; go to the Albatros website to download a full version.

Posted in Animal welfare, Consciousness & evolution, Conservation, Health & wellbeing, Life choices, Menu, Nature, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Why the songbird stops singing: the need to be at liberty to change our minds

The following short summary of how chronic health issues come about was shared today on my health blog Living Whole, with the final observation that every word of it could equally be said about the collective; as in, the way we conduct our politics. On the day when the importance of recognising the need to be able to change our minds is brought out into the political forum of the UK, where a chronic national situation is currently holding all our attention, I realise these simple words are far more timely and universal than I initially noticed.

Why the freedom to change our minds is just so important to health

A pitfall of our humanness is that we like to have a plan and to stick to it. When we announce we are going to do something to others, we then often force ourselves to “deliver”, long after we have changed our minds. When we use the word “mind” we tend to assume head, as in “brain”; but truly the mind is a combination of brain and heart, the mixing ground of which is the emotions, which are a language spoken by the body. When we go against our mind, we go against both our heads and our hearts in the quantum space where they collaborate; and though our heads may leap into the breach to put out any fires by “logically” justifying our decisions to ourselves and everyone else, the problem doesn’t go away. If we are still going against our changed mind, the body will always speak the heart’s truth…either now, or at some sickly time in the future when our failure to listen to some part of the whole comes back to bite us.

Thus, when we force ourselves into projects that our hearts are no longer in, just because we said we would do them, our alientated emotions build up in places where they don’t even see light of day.

If we keep going against our minds, the body becomes cock-full of these old hurts, stored up in all the pockets of all our cells…in different parts of the body according to the nature of the hurt (which is where we see lifetime or even family trends for certain illnesses)…and this is where pain and distortion, including cancerous cells, begin to arise. To start with, this delivers acute issues which, if we notice them on time, we can deal with “as they occur” by paying attention and taking time to heal ourselves. If this is done properly, as in we notice the emotional as well as the physical hurt and address both things at once, we can move on. When suppressed by the use of the kind of pharmaceuticals that merely “shut up” or mask the symptoms so we can continue to work on our project, or when we simply ignore the pain, the emotional hurt gets caught in a cul-de-sac; a sort of dumpling ground for parts of ourselves that are not being listened to. When this happens over a chronically long period, we fall into the chronic symptoms of mystery illnesses, where “everything” seems to be going wrong, all at once.

As we crystallise into a newer version of being human, we come to understand all this (often through the long-weary process of picking apart a long-term chronic illness, forcing us to become aware of the above scenario, and to address those old stored-up hurts so they can see the light). Going forwards, we realise that nothing should be set in stone; that we need to remain flexible in our intentions so that there is always room to change our minds. In fact we check in with our minds on a regular basis; holding “meetings” between head and heart to make sure we are all on the same page with our life’s current objectives. Whilst the brain might thrive best on the long-term planning that allows it so see, and thus strategise, far ahead and march forwards, with absolute determination and focus, towards a single pre-decided goal, the heart only feels trapped by such a stance and must have the freedom to come and go, even the freedom to pull out of a project altogether, otherwise it becomes like the trapped songbird caught inside the situation….and will eventually cease to sing!

Once the head knows that in order to collaborate with the heart, which brings so much insight, creativity and other much more mysterious skills to a project, all of which it has come to value as essential to overall balance, it knows too that the heart must always be met halfway, not just given lip-service. It realises how it needs to keep all obstructions away from the exits and make sure that all of the doors and windows of a project are truly left wide open so that the heart always feels free and supported plus truly valued for its own traits. Then the two can finally set to work together, in balance…which is a beautiful thing to experience, both inside and out. Then, as we do this for ourselves, we spin this balanced state out into a world that also comes to benefit, thus evolve, from realising the importance of the need for built-in flexibility and creative space, including the room and freedom to discuss everything all over again, as many times as feels right, and even change our minds; all protected as a fundamental priority at the very centre of all of our collective projects. Even more important to crystalise into policy as we speed up in our evolution; since we are not who we were a few moments ago, let alone three or more years ago!

Otherwise, a body…human or political…without its songbird is in a very sorry state indeed and has no long-term prospect of surviving; leading to repeat after repeat of the same sorry situations.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Life choices, Menu, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Synergy realised

If you’ve ever used music streaming on Spotify (or there are probably similar platforms that I’m not familiar with) then you will have encountered their very clever algorithms that suggest music based on what you’ve just been listening to.

So, if you happen to play something very different to your norm and you like it enough to continue, Spotify will proceed to suggest more tracks based on the particular nuance of that one thing, turning something which seemed rarefied when you first heard it into a continuous play list of other new music with a similar feel, yet with its own discernible identity that takes you off in a new direction. This can launch you on a whole voyage of discovery that feels precisely orchestrated for you and some as-yet unexplored aspect of yourself that is reaching for the surface. In fact, the way Spotify’s taste assessment brings up music you adore on first listen, though you’ve never heard it before in your life, can be quite uncanny…as though divinely orchestrated. You feel excited, like the universe is magically working with you, to provide you with something new enough to be stimulating and yet somehow perfectly preordained to match your preferences, somehow matching your very newest mood to the letter in a way an old record collection can never do, since this is open-ended and not a closed-system. Yet its you that set all this in motion, from that very first choice (like taking a step in a particular direction) and the algorithms underlying the software simply do the rest, meeting you where you are. This makes you very aware of the power of your influence. You can become almost afraid of interfering to choose a more familiar piece of music in case the magic spell is broken.

So I’ve been enjoying some exquisitely appropriate and genre-mixing music all week, following a flow on Spotify, all filtered to a taste I didn’t quite know I had since it’s all pretty new to even my diverse ears. In fact, this has been an ongoing thing for two or three years now and yet the growth factor is exponential; there is always more “new” waiting to be discovered just as soon as I venture around a slightly divergent corner from my “norm”, which is already far from mainstream. Of course, those underlying algorithms only direct certain music to me based on some bizarre mixes of genre I already like to listen to (my taste is very broad…so its having to work quite hard to find these tastes mixed together in one bundle; so in a sense the more diverse you are to start with, the more “interesting” the music it throws back at you). Also, clearly, it uses the taste of other listeners and artists who like similar music to me; the self-learning process of a super-mind which, of course, is all a computer really is. The beauty of this, of course, is that the “super-mind” that seems to be external is really all of us, combined in our humanity, feeding our divergent tastes, thoughts and perspectives into a vast pool. The more receptive people become to mixed-up and spread-out music genres (as with divergent anything), the more there is a demand for it and so the more it becomes available, with those more playful, cross-disciplinary artists who deliver its material thriving like never before, encouraged to be even more playful. So our horizons are also opening-up like never before…barely a fence left standing along what used to be the traditional hard-edged tracks of musical “type”, which is wonderful for a synesthete listener like me.

Timelines are like that. You take a step and your whole life goes off at a particular trajectory. If that way feels exciting and inviting, you don’t want it to stop…but what about all those other possible timelines including the one you were about to choose, with all the logic in your head, when this “accidental” new route opened up? What if you want to change direction, just for a moment, to experience something more familiar or that you already had “planned”? Will you lose the moment; will the spell be broken? What if doing that takes you backwards into a world where it’s as though the new choices no longer reveal themselves ever again; lost forever because you weren’t responsive enough to their invitation? Is this a time-sensitve offer…will it vanish in the mist? You can become paralysed by all the dilemma. Most of all, you’re beguiled by how all this newness presenting itself feels like such a perfect fit to…well, you’re not sure what but its something quite beautiful in its abstraction, like some part of you as yet explored, wanting to see light of day. So you feel compelled to find out more yet at what cost to what you were planning to do a moment earlier? The arrival of so much that was previously outside of your experience can feel like a deconstructive urge; which, in a sense, it is until we see its burgeoning potential. So, of course, your mind tries to tell you to regain control, like some sort of emergency is underway.

These two, apparently contradictory, undercurrents are ever-present in our lives, though we may not notice them in action most of the time. Left under the surface, they can enact a clumsy dance of beguilement by, yet profound fear of, the new thus unknown and a tendency to grip so rigidly onto what we already think we know, which looks (by comparison) more solid thus reliable to our logical, familiarity-seeking eyes. Whether we proceed along a newer route very much depends on whether it feels so good when it presents itself that we almost can’t resist; even if it seems to take us off our previously devised track. Also, the more we become aware of others taking those least-trodden tracks into the wilderness and thriving on the experience (again, thank you internet) the more we dare to be the explorers in our own lives; thus our landscape opens up, dropping all of its old fences and walls. The key is to balance these two aspects, dispensing with the oft-held delusion that staying in balance is achieved by holding on with white-knuckle determination to all your old ways, like someone trying to balance too many teacups and plates in their hands; rather, its a case of knowing what to let go of and when…

So computer software beautifully mimics the way we are (often the accidental) creators in our own lives; I notice it all the time when I’m working with Photoshop. Layering, masking, merging…all those life traits are there and I’ve become ever-more aware of them, and how to work with them deliberately yet still allow beautiful accidents to occur (those two, apparently opposite, factors appreciated in balance), through being a digital artist. Perhaps this is why I prefer digital processing to painting these days, though the same clues were there in the layers of paint on a canvas, just denser thus slower to evolve.

When we start to crystallise, we notice these patterns so much more and we can start to work with them…but the trick is to work with them just enough but not to try control (which is to limit) them. We need some of the flow and the randomness; though, as in the Spotify case, how much is ever really random anyway? I suppose you could say there is always a divine orchestrator who wrote those original algorithms. Yet just because we discern there is a piper calling a particular tune on the wind doesn’t make us any less beguiled when we hear it. In fact, if it is timed well, we may find ourselves longing for its different tempo after years of feeling caught up in all the rigidity of routine and expectations. Our ideas about whether or why there is a God get easier around this time in our processing, helped along by the timeliness of the piper’s appearance and the well-matched choice of the very-different tune they are playing, as though composed just for us. There may be an algorithm or a piper at work here, yet we set it in motion in a particular way through our particular choices; nobody else is hearing quite the same tune. Thus we can encompass the paradox of freedom within design since we are the living proof for it. The way we choose to respond to the potential to dance to a different tune is our part in that equation; as is our renewed appreciation of form that is beautiful and constructive. We become that living balance, held poised in flesh, and consciously aware of all this as it occurs, which is the three-in-one perfection of the realised human being. If these two sides of us are now the equliateral base-corners of a triangle (or triskele, once this is set in dynamic motion…), we become its capstone; a pyramid of self-realised synergy.

TriskeleSo though we now discern the algorithms that brought this “accident” our way; whether we regard it as God, fate or our higher self, we see its beauty and we make a choice to take part from now on. No longer fearing what lies outside the walls of our previous experience (thus understanding), we choose to uphold the importance of flow since it is this divine union of flow with structure, of randomness with direction, that keeps us in perfect balance. Being aware of it is the crystalline factor, like gaining an overview of both sides and watching as they dance together gracefully, across all aspects of our lives; just as a crystal seems rock-solid yet it is the unseen frequency it holds which is harder to fathom but which makes it so very powerful. We now know we can step in to choose other outcomes if we really want to; but we’re also prepared to wait and see, to go on instinct, not demanding the answer in advance, which was the pitfall and limiting factor of our previous iteration.

In short, we relish surprise as much as we relish beautiful structure and the result is like an exquisite and functional piece of architecture placed in a natural setting, full of light, water and organic features that bring the surprise of nature into and around the space. So, of course, we love living there; its (as ever with the crystal experience) like experiencing the best of both worlds in perfect synergy.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Life choices, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Personality type and the crystallisation process – understanding the human vehicle we chose

I’m starting to discover how much this week’s flurry of posts have been part of my healing process; something momentous has shifted in me today. This includes that I have realised I am not going to baby-round in here any more; rather, I am going to say it how “just how it is” to me and you are very welcome to listen, as feels resonant, but its time to cut-free of some of the old-paradigm ways of talking about things, especially “chronic illness”.

I realise, to a lot of people, chronic illness is still part of this terrible sad story of things “going wrong” but for me, for the longest time now, its been a process of mulching through my old life and reformatting as a new-paradigm version of myself. At first it was all about breaking down into what felt like the molecules of my old life, so I could up-cycle whichever of those old building blocks I decided to keep ready to start over again, in a new-improved format. That era saw my life change almost beyond recognition as I made changes to all of my habits. Then, after that, it was as though things accelerated into another phase that was almost more bewildering than the first. I could choose to see all that as just another round of mystifying health problems but, actually, seen through the new paradigm context, the last few years have been a crystallisation process; I’ve been crystallising in the body.

In my view, personality is spirit’s vehicle; the one we have is deliberate and chosen to carry our spirit in human form, thus it can tell us a great deal about our “higher” intentions for this lifetime. Writing yesterday’s post Healing through understanding of personality type, which gave my own case-study of being an INFJ, made me realise how this particular personality type is pre-wired to spontaneously crystallise in the body; as though it is their very raison d’être. A lot of people I encounter, often through chronic health topics, some through INFJ or highly sensitive forums, seem to be experiencing the beginnings of this crystallisation process (to be clear, it’s a process of bringing spirit into matter and making a paradigm leap to become a new kind of human ready for the next era in our collective evolution) yet its far from easy, often precarious or even very dangerous to our health to undergo. Thus, no surprise, it can “look like” chronic, mystery health issues and all kinds of other breakdown scenarios but it is also something far more intriguing than that; yet its a very tough road to travel. Far easier for new generations to be born road-ready for the coming era than for those of us who have been around for a while to attempt it in the same human body; yet it can feel irresistible to some of us (more than others), like being the caterpillar that knows it is about to become the butterfly…so we just keep pushing along in that belief.

karina-vorozheeva-666315-unsplashFor the INFJ, it does seem to be that irresistible, or at least inevitable, process because of the way we are made. With just the slightest feeling of pressure from being a misfit or uncomfortable in their present circumstances, the INFJ will start to crystallise all on their own, from very early on in life; perhaps because we hold such high standards and can be quite stalwart in the way we grip-on to those (we don’t compromise ourselves willingly). I felt there was an appropriate word I should use for this situation, when two pressure zones that are quite different to one another are adjacent yet the end result is that something very new (not seen before) is formed, in between those two zones, out of the pressure disparity they are subjected to. In search for it, I came across a description of metamorphism, something I associate with caterpillars turning into butterflies but here it was being described in terms of geology.

“The word “Metamorphism” comes from the Greek:  meta = after, morph = form, so metamorphism means the after form.  In geology this refers to the changes in mineral assemblage and texture that result from subjecting a rock to conditions such pressures, temperatures, and chemical environments different from those under which the rock originally formed.” (Types of Metamophsim – Prof Stephen A Nelson.)

This is what being an INFJ feels like, every day, since we carry an entire universe around on the inside as our primary, thus dominant, Introverted Intuition (Ni) trait and yet our extroverted Feeling (Fe) and Sensing (Se)  traits compel us to keep searching for meaning and a “match” with that harmonious universe “out there” in a human-physical world (where very little makes sense). Since our inner version of life is already fully whole and infinitely harmonised, we will almost certainly feel under the same kind of pressure as rocks that that were formed under one set of environmental conditions yet which are now being subjected to another; we are in the middle of a momentous squeeze all our lives!

So, over a course of many years we stretch and broaden our experiential net (even though extroverted experiences are not our comfort zone…at all) in search of harmony and balance “out there” in a physical word that, in many cases, overwhelms our feeling and sensing traits. The more experience we reach out for, in search of the underlying harmony, the less we seem to find it since the picture only gets more complex and diverse the wider we make our area of focus.

Yet with each encounter that “rubs” us, we become more and more polished, like a diamond that will glint and shine a little more with each newly added facet. However, the process is deeply painful to our introversion and can start to impact on our health, depending on the particular life path we have taken.

Nonetheless, we continue with this “mission” since it is so inherent to us that we can’t seem to resist it. For us, its is a case of “seeking to prove harmony exists in this world or die” since no other mission comes close to engaging our attention (all our other pursuits can either be seen to be extensions of this fascination or they tend to fall by the wayside). In fact, no other personality type is quite so single-minded in pursuing life missions that no body else seems to even notice or reward, let alone understand the importance of, since they are so abstract and thus hard to label or even to see. By the time we reach middle age, we are fully cognizant of having made our life’s work out of projects that are as invisible as we are, though we have achieved very much in the unseen realms; which makes the pursuit of what most-enagages the INFJ a thankless task yet, through our integrity, we can apply ourselves to no other. This “invisibility” knock to our morale does very little to improve our health status by the time we are a few decades into our life’s work, by which time we are feeling weary and depleted.

Our projects only keep on getting bigger; so we start with trying to balance and harmonise all the disparity and conflict in our families, perhaps later our friends or colleagues, and then we try to do the same with the whole world. All our efforts go into this thing though, being introverts, we are forced to find our own particular way of doing this, which is often covert to the degree nobody around us realises how much we care, or are involved in, what is going on around us. As children, we learn subtle diplomacy and trading-off our own comforts to “make others happy”. As adults, we find whatever introverted means we can to do this underground work; in my case, endless blogging from a corner where no one can particularly see me (blogging is such an introverted pastime) whilst shifting so much in the quantum field, I can’t even begin to explain what I really do.

Yet we weary ourselves with our ceaseless task since the world is never going to sit nicely, with everyone in full accord; it will always throw up more problems, push back harder, for all our efforts, and very few seek out our overview, seeming to prefer the long-hard slog of the old ways to attempt solving their messy problems. We find ourselves virtually alone in dreaming of a harmonious world since most people around us seem to enjoy diving back into the fray far too much, which leaves us baffled and lonely.

Over the course of many years, this can seem like it has broken us; our physical health takes all the knocks of the experiential net-widening we have been doing (against our introverted core) by becoming super-sensitive and triggered by nearly everything around us.

Yet if our bodies are broken, our spirit is never so; and is only just about to arrive on the threshold, wanting to come in. Because if our default personality trait is already to operate from Introverted Intuition, the realm of the unseen, we are truly ready to listen now; and to invite into our human experience that which will finally resolve what has been so our of sync in our physical (extroverted) experiences; which is the crystallisation process in a nutshell. If we allow it…

If someone even mentions “crystallisation” to us, we flinch because we imagine a crystal is hard, like a sharp pebble stuck in your shoe and our bodies already feel like that…we feel like both the foot and the pebble, all at the same time!

What we don’t know, as we fight against it, is that crystallisation is inevitable for us unless we hide away in a cave all our lives. The way an INFJ is  “wired” forces us to be as extrovert in our preoccupations as we are introverted in our inclination and we become the imbalanced “thing” at the very core of our experience; at least until we notice this.

Then comes the healing. Because at some point we realise that the gift is knowing what this feels like, perhaps more so than any other person on this planet. For the extrovert, regarding a chaotic world is never going to be quite the stretch to their comfort zone as someone whose inner core “looks like” the very premise of the universe, being that all things are whole, balance is everywhere and nothing is ever right or wrong. Our leap of faith is the widest of any personality type and so we are stretched across a great chasm, by a human experience that alarms and overloads the inner processors of our Introverted Thinking (Ti) trait every day. Relentlessly, we gobble up, churn through and struggle to make sense of all this contradictory-seeming data, though we seem to be nothing more than a collapsed and ineffectual person with some sort of chronic illness that no one understands. Then, when we start to glean what makes universal sense to us; when we discern the patterns and the breakthroughs, discover the light at the end of the tunnel, no one seems to want to hear the good news that we have to share. Like some sort of uber-eccentric yet genius code-breaker, working all alone in a small cubicle away from the mainstream, we are left to our bizarre machinations and the fruit of our labour goes unheard largely and unappreciated, since very few speak our particular language (yet).

We are the very heroes of our age because we are put through far more now than we ever would have been put through in the past, even a hundred years ago, because we are literally bombarded with the feeling and sensory contradictions to our inner core, where harmony resides as though on a throne as our go-to benchmark. Though we amount to less than 1% of the population and look depleted, broken and ineffectual, we are the leading point of an army of paradigm changers…in a new paradigm where making change doesn’t have to be about making a lot of noise, being famous or rich or “doing” a lot of things. We are most effectual, in this burgeoning age, because we work on our severely out-of-balance selves and find harmony in spite of apparent disparity everywhere.

When we get to that healing point of self-understanding, thus appreciation, we find we already have our answer. Because we know now that our grand healing mission for the world is all about the healing of ourselves. In rebalancing ourselves, in drawing harmony back into our own experiences, newly perceiving it where it already exists within our own lives, we do it for all. That inner universe we carry on the inside reminds us that it is only the immediate “outer world”, our human-casing, that needs to be balanced for the two to slot together into a more comfortable state of wholeness than has ever been seen before.

This is  the point when we start to work with crystallising the body; and so it now happens rapidly. We become the closed circuit of ourselves, no longer reliant on everything “out there” being OK for us to be in balance. The conditionality is thrown away at last because we can afford to, just as soon as we also have a crystal aura (which comes before, sometimes just after, the crystal body) to self-protect us from all the ups and downs of the world. Boundary drawing is a skill the INFJ needs to embrace almost more than any other. Yet our experience of being so grossly out of balance has served us well during our metamorphosis process. We know, more than anyone, just how all-over-the-place the world out there is since we have been feeling it, acutely, all of our lives “as us” and so the triumph of achieving this state of balance within our own unit is the very polish to our diamond.

Taking this cue, the chaotic body functions that have previously been entrained to the rhythms of a discordant world, start to harmonise to our own core message….from the universe we already carry within, which is our leading trait, delivered by our Introverted Intuition (Ni).  All our other traits now fall into useful place, beneath the umbrella of this directive, and so we find ourselves to be more innately road-ready for being a crystal human than probably any other personality type, both for these traits and for the disharmonious experiences we have been through until this point. In this case, the crystallisation can be very swift indeed and we are there in no time. If we are capable of modeling extreme balance like no body else, it is because we have come to experience literally both sides of the see-saw, as ourselves in human form, within this very lifetime, which is like an elite academy training regime to prepare us for the crystal outcome. To rebalance ourselves is like rebalancing all the most disparate issues, feelings and sensations of the entire messy world “out there”  since we have been experiencing it all, “as though it was happening to us”, for years.

Perhaps this is why the INFJ is so very rare; too many of us and the world would seem to be full of sickly introverts who were not coping very well with the outside world. Just the right amount and we become the unlikely leaders of a new paradigm; those who lead by example rather than by making a lot of noise. We can just be who we are, doing what brings us enjoyment and balance, and its enough; in fact, its perfect.

We can be aware of how we are all connected at the universal level (no one knows this more intimately than an INFJ) and we grasp how we all contribute to, and meet each other in, the quantum field. However,  we will be much more effective, now we are balanced and self-protected, when we choose not to be so pushed and pulled about by the collective consciousness (whereas, before, we got drawn into it anyway, from being so invested in feeling what others feel because we thought that was our mission). This means we can start to take part more and be amongst people when we choose to be, without fear of our energy, thus our health, taking a hit. Other people can’t simply help themselves to our energy whenever they want to, thus we don’t feel depleted and frazzled all the time (these are changes I’ve really started to notice since my AuraTransformation, which powerfully supports the crystallisation process). In simple terms, we start to recover from our chronic mystery illnesses as these circumstances transform.

Living from personal choice and putting our own wellbeing first is exactly what the INFJ needs to recover themselves, bringing their propensity to spread themselves far too thin back into balance. Then, our sheer determination to stand up for ourselves, which is part of our inbuilt integrity and courage (plus life has made these skills so necessary for us to survive) makes us particularly good at modelling this new trend of self-care because, once we are on board with prioritising our own wellbeing, we are really good at showing other people how this is done (plus we are natural-born communicators). Thus we start to become less invisible, or at least more manifest, in our own unique ways; and we start to identify our dharma (life purpose), which feels so much more comfortable and true to our energy signature than our “mission” of old.

In fact, being stacked the way we are, INFJs model a willingness to take the unseen, intuitive realm of experience very seriously, in fact we are led by it, which is the remedy to a fundamental imbalance we currently have in the old paradigm, where only the seen and logical is given any real attention. When we struggle to thrive, allowing ourselves to seem like the weaklings of the personality spectrum, we reaffirm all those old distorted opinions back to that old paradigm with its addiction to extraversion. However, when we start to thrive because of the way we give as much attention to introversion and intuition as we do to the extroverted and the physical, we model the new paradigm “as ourselves”, becoming its living-breathing advert. Thus, you could say, we come to realise that our prime objective is simply to thrive in our own lives and health; which should be given top priority and attention, not all that “outside stuff” in the sensory field.

parth-tendulkar-1372947-unsplashThough we remain niche in our output, since there are not so many people who truly relate to us, we are like rare crystals planted into the ground, waiting for that moment of activation when we, as it were, form a grid with others like us and those who get what I am sharing here (and you’ll know if you do). Of course there are other personality types who know just what I mean here, adding their equally unique and valuable personality mix to the transformation process (and we can all seek to achieve more balance by closely working with our traits) yet, I will claim this on our behalf;  INFJs realise this transformation process with a certain amount of rapidity, determination and polish due to the very particular school of hard-knocks we tend to self-subject ourselves to along the way. I would love to know what percentage of INFJs are experiencing “chronic mystery illness” or breakdown and/or starting to spontaneously crystallise in the body these days as I can imagine it would be a fairly high number. Who knows, what we are transforming into could be the very stuff of paradigm leaping; which only occurs when an actual-physical investment is made into a new world structure, beyond the “nice” yet abstract idea of a shift, through the very act of living it. We become like a butterfly that is actually up in the sky, on its very first flight which, until then, was so abstract to the creature it once was, wrapped-up in all the dark confusion of its cocoon, that all it had was the vaguest of intuitions that “something” new and liberating was coming.

Like the butterfly, thus with no guarantees, there comes a point in your life when you just have decide…to jump or not to jump. While you keep one foot in the old paradigm, labeling what you have going on as illness or problems, you remain stuck. For me, from now on, the vernacular is that I’m crystallising and I know it has to be that way; no more explaining myself backwards to other people so they understand. When you are flying high, reverting to the label “illness” can drop your vibration in such a way that you feel like you have suddenly fallen through a trap door back into the old world structure. Thus a lifetime of making yourself fully accessible to other people and amenable to their particular world-view can be wearying for an INFJ; the transformation comes when you lead from yourself, keeping yourself in balance and applying all you have come to understand to your own life, while simply trusting that anyone who wants to will follow, but that’s entirely up to them.

Concluding anecdote – Owning your vehicle

The universe has an infinite sense of humour, as you would expect, so I often find the themes I am working on in the abstract come forward in the props and furniture of “real life” around the same time. It was only yesterday, as I received confirmation of having settled my car finance contract, which means I get to say I own my car at last after three long years of installments (about the same time that I’ve been crystallising most concertedly in the body), that I saw the beautiful synchronicity. I remember so clearly all the excitement I felt when I brought that car home and how the uplift to my spirit fuelled a week-long driving trip around the Welsh mountains that would have been more than my health could have handled beforehand; it truly marked a step-up in my recovery. I loved ever single feature of this car because I had chosen them just for me.

All week, across several posts, I’ve been using the phrase “personality is the vehicle your spirit chose for this life”, or words to that effect and, in fact, the importance of “owning your personality” has been the overarching theme of it all. For me, the metaphor went even deeper than that but I’ll keep it simple here. Why does now “owning my car” feel better than leasing it? Well, I get to do what I like with it now, it just feels better somehow, and more permanent; and the same goes for your personality type, once you fully engage with it as something that is entirely yours. When you know that you chose it, that its not an accident of genetics or fate, or the outcome of life’s conditioning, but something most particular that you chose for your higher purpose, you enjoy driving it so much more….and its self-empowering. So whatever personality type you’ve chosen for yourself, and we all have one, get to know all the features and truly enjoy driving it around…its all yours for the ride.

Related posts & information

Healing through understanding your personality type

My experience of AuraTransformation


That INFJ foible: making a full-time study of ourselves

More INFJ informaton on my Highly Sensitive Resources page on Living Whole


Originally posted on www.living-whole.org

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Health & wellbeing, Menu, Personal Development, Recovery chronic illness | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When paradigms rub shoulders

Any of you who receive email notifications for my health blog Living Whole would have found an unworkable link where this week’s latest post used to be as of yesterday. That’s because the post I published on Monday was, in a sense, a false start on something I wanted to write about. More accurately, I was still processing even as I wrote about it…but have now processed the whole matter in an entirely new way; which is a message in itself and more worthy of this website, being the very stuff of New Paradigm creating. I want people to realise that there is a completely new way of processing trauma and emotional wounding available to them now as a result of the new times that we are entering…and yet it is so easy to fall back into the old habits.

Those old habits look at everything we have be through via a karmic perspective; one that is entangled and soul-oriented. When we are in the soul operating system (OS), our convoluted interactions with “others” are all about working something out with them; something that may never become fully apparent during this lifetime and so it can seem, in a sense, like feeling around blindfolded in a room full of people.

That first attempt at what I shared was talking about this very thing and yet it still felt over-done in my reliance on processing old hurts to “explain” the conclusion I got to, which felt in the end like it was attempting to straddle two methodologies. I notice this a lot when I am endeavoring to explain something to those who may not be on quite the same page as I am, regarding the New Time energies that are now available and it irritates me when I do this. Therefore, I feel compelled to step-up and stop babying my audience, with the confidence that those who are ready will just find my material and understand every word, so here we go with version two of my post.

The (new) reality is that once you are into the “crystalised” human way of processing through any old debris that is still hanging around in your energy field, you will know it from the considerably higher perspectives you get, from which everything makes sense so much more readily, and from the absence of old emotional pain coming up to “drop” your frequency. This is because you are now operating through spirit’s “eyes”, as you in a human body; thus you gain the clarity that was once only available to you on doing a life-review, at the end of your life, under the old system. By contrast with those old days, this leaden emotional material (the subject I have now taken down from my other blog) has taken me just three days to process into a new place of transformation, with some major epiphanies along the way. It only shifted once I was prepared to jump into the new OS, thus paradigm, with both feet, after which the acceleration was incredible and I have felt it in an extremely physical sense as my body’s cellular structure has gone through a potent couple of days of aches and pains that then had me in an unusually deep sleep, like I was in a coma, last night and then quite clear and ready to share this today. Meanwhile my emotions have altered beyond recognition (and, remember, these are just energy-in-motion; they thrive best when the door is left wide open and radical shift is both allowed and encouraged, ceasing the tendency to recycle what is now “done with”).

In short, I got to this new place (there is no denying) by writing my first attempt at this post and yet….the very sharing of the circumstantial ins-and-outs of what was “happening” (or had ever happened) in the third-dimension around the matter re-entangled me to the very things I knew I was now striving to transform. The longer my post stayed out there, receiving a high number of hits (as the word “trauma” often does…), the more I felt like I was re-entangling myself to the spider’s web of karma that I am long done with. I needed to look at it all again via a higher frequency, beyond the old-paradigmn words and ideas, which very quickly got me to a brand new territory, like arriving at a viewing point high above any of the drama.

I can now summarise the whole thing as this. Akin to many people, I was born feeling “fish out of water” in a family that was very different to me in terms of frequency. Some of the behaviours I was exposed to in a very small space over a lot of years were the most abhorrent I could be subjected to, according to my personality type and energy signature. I struggled with this and yet it was a gift because it forced me to consider other ways to reconnect with something akin to my signature frequency. I also had to find a new way of being that felt more at home to me; so I began experimenting with this, even as a very young child (perhaps even because I was so young, which enabled me to suspend disbelief in order to connect with anomalous experiences beyond the three-dimensional).

I now understand how this turned into a process by which I connected with a very new wave of energy that was only just, very subtly, becoming available at the time (the “indigo” energy or “the eighth wave” of evolution…look up those tags for more posts on my website) and which, in my determination to find anything I could relate to, I managed to “contact”  a decade earlier than it became more mainstream in the mid 1980s. A lot like the times we are in now, I was one of the forerunners of dialling up this new potential, because I wanted to find it so desperately, due to feeling such a misfit “down here” on earth as it then was; and I know a lot of people can relate to this where we are now. When I first made contact with this higher frequency, this left me in the `awkward position of straddling two different realities for a while…the one “in my head” and that of my family and school life. Things, unsurprisingly, became most uncomfortable for me around that time and it was cathartic in many ways that, now I look at it again, feels somewhat like how the last half decade has felt. When you are ahead of the game, there is no getting around the discomfort you feel and yet I am here to give you some comfort from the fact that it is so worth it and people catch up, in their own time.

When I reached the age of ten, what had previously been “flashes” of that indigo potential, which was a much higher-frequency of processing my reality than anyone I knew at the time seemed to have access to, began to solidify as “more” of the substance of my everyday world. This is because I made a superconscious decision to go after such experiences in a much more concerted way in order to stay grounded, as I sensed I needed to do. The only thing that had been holding me back until then was a fear that this would irreversibly separate me from my family, making it impossible for us to be on the same wavelength ever again and, being so very young, I longed to belong more than just about anything.

It was a day trip with two older siblings that I have never forgotten, in March exactly forty years ago, that solidified this intent to chase after the new frequency and be done with what didn’t work for me. I have always held the memory of that trip in some sort of “special reverence” in my recollections of childhood and yet never really figured out why since, although it broadened my experience and got me out of my limited routine, I didn’t come home any more integrated with my siblings; in fact, I had felt quite “alone in a crowd” all day. What I have finally come to realise, through a synchronicity that played out over the last week, is how it was this very powerful sense of separateness that emboldened me to fully commit to “going it alone” from now on, seeing where that would take me and, I suppose, trusting that it had to be better than the uncomfortable reality that I was in (bullied at school, the misfit younger sibling in my family and with older parents who had literally no clue what I spent my time thinking about). In a sense I chose, at that point, the new operating system over the one that connected me with blood tribe, which marked a momentous leap in my personal evolution. 

Looking back, things became markedly easier for me from that time, even though I still felt “niche” in a crowd and never found myself as fully integrated with my peers as everyone else seemed to be; as though there was a fundamental miss-match of perspectives. I began to gather courage in this respect, choosing to like the fact that I felt so different to my peers and, of course, I chose to spend a lot more time alone over the next few years, becoming even more introverted than ever yet working on what felt most resonant to me as the whole point of my focus. I embraced, rather than fighting against, my personality traits for that window of time and this made things easier than they later became as an adult thrown into a much bigger pond.

All of this, of course, is how it is when you are in the first wave of a new paradigm, as many of us are experiencing right now. We long to connect yet we find precious little opportunity, within our frequency range, so we are forced to visit other people on their bandwidth. We become very experienced indeed at being the bridge between paradigms, even quite skillful at introducing “notes” of our new thinking into other people’s experience range in ways that don’t alarm them too much and yet, a trend I continue with the writing of these posts, we learn not to measure our success by the numbers of those who truly relate to us since they are very few and far between.

The last bastion of “wanting to fit in” is probably where our families are concerned for anyone prepared to make this pioneer journey. Though we can shrug off the idea of ever being surrounded by hordes of intimate friends who truly understand where we are coming from, something touches a nerve when we feel left on the outside of our family group, long after we have ceased spending any significant time with them in a physical sense. This is what happened to me when my siblings proposed getting together later this month. I felt torn in two across a great frequency chasm since I both knew in my gut that this was the most horrendous idea for me, guaranteeing a deep plunge into exposures I had done with years ago and yet part of me still felt I had to, even wanted to, go.

I know a great many rapidly evolving people who go through this same conundrum much more often than I do, yet I had managed to achieve such independence from family that this scenario had rarely come up for me over the last thirty years, mainly because I live far away and tend to see my siblings one at a time, often on my own territory or somewhere fairly neutral. I knew already that my sticking point was joining them en masse as this guaranteed a repeat of feeling like I was the odd one out, profoundly misunderstood and under a lot of pressure to drop down my frequency to fit in for the duration of two or three days. Every effort to secure some independence over that duration, for instance alternate accommodation and having a major hand in choosing where we ate (being vegan), seemed to get thwarted or be used to make me seem like the difficult one. I noticed how it took just a particular tone of voice, familiar from many years ago, to send my body back into some very old reactions once this lower frequency took a hold of me.

So, the synchronicity that I mentioned above was that a reunion with my family was proposed in the same place as that memorable and decisive trip I went on with two of them, forty years ago. Perhaps it was the synchronicity of place and the round number of years but something in me couldn’t resist trying to be there, though the logistics were terrible. When it all blew up in my face, due to family politics and old hurts coming up that I had long-ago considered dealt with, my mind set to working over time…what was all this about, there had to be a higher purpose?

That was when I shared the first post on this topic; and yet it felt leaden and so I quickly took it down again. I see now that its content didn’t fit my new frequency, which is how I knew wasn’t me talking so much as a hologram of a version of me from a very different iteration. That iteration was a me that hadn’t made, not only one but, two major  leaps in consciousness (numerous smaller ones) since my early childhood days, having recently upgraded to the crystal OS (see my post Crystalising), thus its hurts came from another time and way of looking at things. As soon as I “went there” to join in this conversation with my family, I felt my frequency drop two levels and it felt awful; my body experienced so much pain, like I was in a car-crusher, thus my reactions to the situation in hand only became more emotional and I probably sounded more than a little highly-strung as I tried to make myself heard in their language, my own being out of the person I was dealing with’s range. Try as I might to keep the vibe high with joy and enthusiasm, I felt myself tumbling downwards and could only imagine how the event itself would draw me into more of these feelings when I got there. The fish out of water now felt like a bird falling from the sky!

I want to make something clear here; I have no issue with varying frequencies per se (the world is full of them, it’s the very basis of the sheer variety of human experience that is available, which is what we came here to experience). The problems I experience as a child were when one particular frequency tried to force itself upon or dominate mine, as was the case with one particular sibling, and in ways detrimental to my ability to find respite or recuperation, thus my stress levels went through the roof. My family are lovely and intelligent people, typical of the range of most people with a soul OS, with lows and many highs of frequency across a range of behaviours but they never seemed to relate to the peak of my range and, in some cases, to make a game of bringing it down a few pegs or to laugh it off. Demonstrable “logic” is the determining benchmark, especially amongst the dominant males of my family and, try as I might, my entire reality falls down the cracks of that perspective. I long ago gave up bashing my head against such immoveable brick walls…but, where family is concerned, walls have a way of following.

Yet I felt real excitement at the prospect of saying yes to this reunion (which later confused me, until I came to realise how I was sensing the potential transformation “up ahead” that I am now sharing in this post rather than looking forward to the actual reunion itself). Yet, immediately I said I would go, I registered  such discomfort in my field, since there’s nothing more “off” feeling than being drawn into a frequency range that is not yours, as the sense of longing around family attachments can induce you to attempt like almost nothing else in this world. From then on, every laboured detail of the arrangements, ever struggle to make things work to suit all of us, felt like I was being dragged over hot coals and, worst of all, I knew I was overriding all of my own instincts on the matter until, finally, I decided not to go after all…and relief came flooding in.

Why had this come up? To highlight to me the same theme as forty years ago…a tendency to “hold myself back” for fear that if I fully run with my next evolution (in this case, the crystallisation process) I will be left isolated and have no further way of “contacting” people that I have known all my life, such as my blood relatives. Yes, I would be able to contact them in 3D but would we ever truly relate to one another anymore since that is my weakest domain; or would they continue to think I was “as mad as a barrel of frogs” (only more with each passing year)? In a sense, my resolve was being tested before I made a much more concerted leap into the crystal energies without, as it were, looking back over my shoulder any more.

In no time at all, having made this leap, I was able to do some potent work with releasing their energy, one in particular, from my field, where I still found remnants of them still woven into my own structures (where nobody should be…except for you; yet memory entanglements such as trauma will hold these structures in place for whole lifetimes unless you do the work). Then by reclaiming, and cleansing, my own energy from theirs (which delivered some surprising and powerful results, including finding the pristine blueprint of my undamaged photonic “light frequency” DNA codes, taken from me shortly after birth, preserved through the very act of being tucked away in someone else’s security deposit box all these years…more on that playful theory in my forthcoming book), I have my answers and some healing. Because the one language that persists between all of us is the language of love; I still love them, unconditionally (as I see I always did, which was the so-called tragedy of my childhood at times when I wasn’t always being treated well), thus there is no reliance on me “getting them” or them needing to “understand me”. They never did before so why lament this being so absent now; I merely need to own up to what is already the case and take heart from it. I have no doubt we will spend many more pleasant times together in the coming years but perhaps not in such a laboured way which, on this occasion, felt utterly cathartic at the higher dimensions; yet just too loaded to continue with in the third dimension. Through standing up for myself, I suspect I have just claimed a degree of neutrality, in my reactions to them, that I have as yet to road-test, which should be interesting next time. Perhaps we can avoid a total paradigm clash and achieve something…fresher.

I just want to add, one person “got me” not so long into my first OS upgrade all those years ago; and this was my mother who, by the time I was into my teens and beyond, was talking “barrel of frogs” language with me like a native. In fact, it is my belief, I rubbed off on her more than a little bit and she underwent her own evolution leap a few years later, only to decide to leave this dimension to continue it elsewhere (which is why I felt just so abandoned when she died). These days, I find my best ally in my sister who is picking up that baton of joining me in my weird corner; and seems to be “getting me” a little more every day now. As for my daughter, not only does she get me but I get her, for which she is very glad indeed as she is noticing how none of her friends’ parents seem to be on anything like the same page. We freely connect in both this and other dimensions; and talk about it openly like other people discuss the news (she also found the recent family drama I got caught up in funny as it’s all so antiquated to her). Perhaps, as a friend said to me the other day, it is the women who are most open to this paradigm leap; they who dig in their heels the least, who are most curious and thus so much less riddled with a fear-based compunction to shoot down whatever is deemed to be “alien”. Yet, in the older of two brothers, I find a model of balance in his preparedness to hear both sides of any story and on that I pin my optimism that we are all headed the same way in the end, albeit it at quite varying paces.

I mentioned finally owning up to being different to my family (acceptance being inherent in that) and, yes, “owning up” to many things has been such a big part of this transformation process, particularly to my own unique traits. I find my energetic signature all over this five-decade long story and it helps me to know myself more fully than ever before. I find, also, such strong evidence for my own unique personality type which, far from being a hindrance, has been my very best friend throughout all of this, for all it made me so different to the rest of my family and the vast majority of my peers.

I have never been more fascinated by my sense that personality is not some mere accident of circumstance (the conditioning of all of life’s hard-knocks), which is as the old soul OS would have had me believe, but that it is something quite unique to me and most carefully chosen as a super-power to support me throughout all my adventures in being human. 

Thus, I find Myers-Briggs more useful than ever as a rule of thumb for, at least, starting to decipher “how you tick”, which leads you straight towards what your spirit chose as the most appropriate vehicle for its physical road trip. What personality “buttons” and “features” do you have on your dashboard? They are all a clue back to blueprint you; they can even help direct you towards your dharma.

My clues are written all over my extremely rare INFJ (less than 1% of the population) personality type, as written about on Living Whole HERE. and HERE. I was always meant to be one of those who feel like a fish out of water since getting to know how this feels, from a very young age, is how INFJs become the well-versed forerunners of an era of change. From birth onwards, we are already so familiar with that feeling  of “being different” and “misunderstood” and with having to be utterly self-reliant through thick and thin. Nothing is more formidable than my ability to stand up for myself, even at the risk of sounding,  as I keep saying, “as mad a barrel of frogs” to those more reliant on mainstream logic for their behaviour guidelines, and as demonstrated again this very week.  This is where my family has done me the most enormous favour, providing the very training ground in which I get to test this out, ensuring that fitting in was never part of my famiar experience range, and so I am particularly grateful for them.

Owning my personality peculiarities as a particular strength, newly regarding them as the very leading edge of all of my gifts, is what feels most empowering about this whole episode since I realise I did not choose to come here to be comfortable or to “belong” in a crowd but to be one of those who dared to be a pioneer into a whole new territory, however tempting it may be to keep looking backwards. I had to learn to remain determined to step forwards even at those times when to step towards what feels more aligned to my frequency risks making me appear more weird, highly strung or plain bonkers to people whose opinions have always mattered to me. Speaking our truth, eloquently, is something we are particularly good at, especially when under pressure from non-resonant circumstances (so, just wait for the long manifesto of what we do resonate with to appear at the end…this is how we are helping to process into a different world reality). Oh and we are natural-born mystics (more on that below). If I come across as somewhat ruthless in my refusal to conform when it just doesn’t feel right to me, then I make no apology. I could put it no better than Jacob Nordby does here:

“I need to be startlingly clear. This thing of finding your authentic voice, expressing your blessed weirdness and revealing your soul isn’t an elegant process. You don’t do it to be cool. You don’t do it to get laid or get rich. It’s only real when it is ruthless, relentless and inevitable. But it is also a matter of personal and collective survival. Yes, it’s that important. You are that critical.” Blessed are the Weird — Jacob Nordby

If this family scenario has been a lifetime’s worth of endurance training for me then I feel as though I have just walked away with the gold medal and I encourage you to look at some of your own trials and tribulations through this newly crystallised perspective; it really does enable whatever used to feel like an immovable rock of pain to transform into a multifaceted diamond.

Finally, know this….the best feelings are awaiting you when you follow the path of your own momentum, and stop hankering for what everyone else has, including approval. If you are a contrarian, a heretic, a mystic at heart (as those who help to shift paradigms are…) then walk that sometimes solitary path with a smile and stop worrying about acceptability. To quote Nordby again:

“mystics rattle our reality tunnels. They walk a lonely path because most humans are invested in seeing through a fixed belief window. Mystics help us to understand that there is a whole lot more to the picture. Even though we might not understand their paradoxes and metaphors, something in us knows that we are thrilled to be connected to an intelligent system so imponderably massive that our minds cannot comprehend the wholeness of it for more than a split second at a time.” (Jacob Nordby — Blessed are the Weird).

If you have reached the point where you are able to hold that enormity for more than just a split second then, for goodness sake, don’t trade that in for acceptability or inclusion. Run with it, trusting others will follow.

When we stop looking over our shoulder or comparing with others, trying to fit in, to be the same as everyone else, we get into our own slip stream of joy and resonance. People…the right people…will catch up, other people will just show up and our bodies will stop throwing up all the signs and clues that we are trying to force our round peg into a square hole. I can assure you, the feeling on the other side of making that effort is quite new which, having now compared it with some of the longest running lower-vibe sensations of my life, I can say with some authority. Enjoy this new wave as it comes in to you!

As for the original post on Living Whole HERE, I will edit that to expand on some closely related thoughts on the importance of working with personality type to heal trauma.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Life choices, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Seeing the light of day

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThere’s no coincidence to me that the bird most associated with darkness, with night-hunting, with reticence, even with superstition and the spiritual aspect plus all the usual dross hung onto that by a male-oriented world (considered a harbinger of bad luck, an omen of death and all of that) has started to appear almost daily on my walks. This barn owl, the companion of many half-light walks at dawn and dusk last summer (as mentioned in my recent post The Quickening), is now to be seen most afternoons, in drizzle or full sunshine; she doesn’t seem to mind. She’s there when I first get to the river and I get to see her figure of eight coverage of the two very large fields where I walk, not to mention sitting in trees and on fence posts. Over about a year now, its become a game to try and capture her in flight, swift though she is, and these are some of my best efforts so far. Why “she”? I just feel it and its nothing to do with gender; as ever, this ever-more frequent and reliable encounter feels like a messenger or a clue, a sign of the times. There is a feeling of unstoppable momentum in the air as more and more things dare to “come out” into daylight and the whole of nature is singing its song.

Owl flight 5.jpgThere’s been speculation for over a hundred years, probably longer, why more barn owls seem to be sighted in full daylight than, its assumed, used to be the case (see The Daylight Activity of Barn Owls) yet that too is consistent with my gut feeling on the matter. The feminine aspect has also been showing her face in the light of day more and more, in steady increments, over that exact same time span.

There’s a great article on all the superstition associated with owls on Ancient Origins entitled Ancient Symbolism of the Owl: Omen of the Good, the Bad and the Deadly (an excerpt, with full article available on subscription). According to this, the very earliest owls, around 48 million years ago, also hunted by day, sharing the same characteristics as modern hawks. One gets the impression they were, as it were, forced to become creatures of the shadows by circumstances beyond their influence and in order to preserve some of their inherent characteristics, not unlike the feminine aspect herself. I’m with the neolithic folk and ancient Greeks for whom the wide staring eyes of the Eye Goddess were all-seeing and all-knowing, and with Hindu tradition in which they are regarded as the companions of goddesses. According to the article, “The white barn owl especially is considered as a brahmin (an upper caste in Hinduism specializing as priests, teachers and protectors of sacred learning).”


It’s no coincidence to me either that this is occurring on my daily walks just as something else sees the light of day for the very first time. My plan to write “a book” has been near the top of my to-do list since I was eight years old and yet here I am, almost fifty one, and it’s only just materialising, finally. This project almost “happened” twice before but, for different reasons each time, the timing wasn’t right and it felt too forced, like I was trying much too hard. This time, I had the very first thought to do it just a week ago, I dived in on Monday and, within days, I have chapter after chapter in draft form; it’s literally pouring out of me, straight from a pool of self-gathered wisdom thus no research required.


Click to see more owl photos.

So if I spend less time “in here” blogging for a while, you will have to excuse me. All of my best is now going into my book and, tempting though it is to share one or two chapters here as a taster, I’m going to refrain for now and let this baby be born intact. At this rate, it won’t take so very long.


Some tips on self-publishing

Incidentally, if writing a book is also near the top of your to-do list, there’s never been an easier time to self-publish; even more so than a couple of years ago when I last explored resources. So, I’d like to suggest, perhaps its time to let your book see the light of day too!

I found a long list of such resources in this useful article 30 Best Self-Publishing Tools and Resources for Your Next Book and the handful that I have gone with, so far, are Pressbooks (for an eplatform ready book layout), Canva (for creating a cover design) and Bear. The latter, in particular, is already something I adore, keeping it open on my desktop and using it all day every day. By tagging note entries, I already have chapters, cross-referencing and even indexing well in hand and its so easy to use. I’m finding I can, for instance, jot down an inspired thought I had while doing something else and still find it again later in order to flesh it out or, at least, know its saved-up in outline with a couple of appropriate tags to link it to other related sections when it comes to drawing it all together. I can even use it on my phone when I’m out which means no more scribbles on the back of receipts (which bodes well for a few nights away and couple of long train journeys and flights I have coming up; the kind of travel that is guaranteed to throw up all kinds of gems).

The very fact of using these apps is making the whole writing process easier and more pleasurable, with a stronger sense of “getting somewhere” and creating a structure quickly. When our best intentions and the best means to carry then out converge, its a clear indication we are right on time. So maybe this is why I saved-up writing my book until now; the right resources simply weren’t ready for me any sooner because the right time for it is exactly now.

Here is another great resource for creatives discovered in the last week: if you enjoyed what you read here or in my other posts, why not consider buying me a coffee via Ko-fi.com 🙂

Photos ©Helen White, All Rights Reserved. Header image “Night Flight” by Helen White (see artwork here).
Posted in Birds, Divine feminine, Menu, Nature, Personal Development, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

The quickening

It was as though I suddenly had to make immediate and direct contact with the earth…via every round molecule of my flesh…though I didn’t think it through at the time. I just threw my jacket on the ground in that sunny field as we were walking and lay down on it. Promptly taking my cue, my husband did likewise and, with time, our dog settled too…so we lay there, like that, in a meadow by a brook for the longest time, certainly over an hour, with other bemused dog walkers doing double takes before calling their own dogs away lest they jump all over us in their curiosity. I kept a hand on my dog’s rump via which I could tell if his pulse quickened which then let me know if anyone else was approaching but, most of the time, I kept my eyes completely shut though the surprising intensity of February sun was burning iridescent colours through my lids and I gobbled this energy up. Inside, I felt incredible….just so so so incredible…like I was coming to experience what vitality inside of flesh, made all the better because of flesh, felt like instead of experiencing it outside of myself then drawing it in as the finished product. I didn’t want it to end and so I set a memo to do much more of this; sometimes, I realised, we just have to get back to grass-roots and I needed to prioritise this from now on. I promised to be back at this level very soon…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAIt took some persuading for me to move to my husband’s cue that he was hungry for lunch but he was right, we would have stiffened-up had we stayed there much longer. Yes, it was still “only February” and the earth was still pretty moist beneath the layer of sun-warmth. Yet, as soon as got home, our chairs were put out and after what could have been a summer salad, we reclined ourselves back into position and continued our eyes-closed sun gazing for almost another three hours. Floating somewhere between alpha and theta, I noticed inspiration after inspiration passing through; mostly, new colours that I longed to play with in the designs I’m currently working on but I let it all remain as liquid; like spilt ink morphing and taking shape only to disperse and reconstitute again and again. It felt like a month’s worth of therapy in a single afternoon; a couple of mountain ranges had moved by the time we went indoors. Bird song had accompanied us the whole of the day; so much more prominent than it ever normally was…the rhythms of it more meaningful than ever and those solos as though there were just for us. The light quality was astonishing, as though an iridescent blue filter had been applied to make everything more vivid, pristine and crystal clear, somehow; we both experienced that.

And I knew, as I woke today with sun-flushed skin, like I might normally in May or June, that what I had welcomed so hungrily into tissue and bone, yesterday, was what I term “The Quickening”. It’s a phrase I came to use a handful of years ago when I both noticed it yet seemed to buckle under its physical demands. It always started to beat its drum in early February, around Imbolc, becoming stronger until, by this last week of Feb I would be both happily observing its effects in the world around me, my favourite time of year, yet still (oh irony) sent down onto my knees by it, lapsing into a new bout of pain and chronic exhaustion for what seemed to wipe out a month and a half of the burgeoning year. I always remembered the date it became most lethal-seeming to me since it was around my father’s birthday…21st Feb (he would have been 106 last week), by which time its current would normally have become so strong and demanding of me that it was as though I was cleaved in two. Part of me would be so uplifted by the obvious change in tempo, the increased bird song, the light quota, the feeling that everything in nature was joining in some sort of carnival procession with spirits growing ever higher and more elated…and part of me doubled up in woe that I was too weak to keep up or join in. Things would, eventually, settle for me so that I became more comfortable in my body by late April or early May, but always at a pace that felt as though I was lagging behind…a little more with each passing year.

The year it came on the strongest was the one where the months that followed were the hardest of all the years I had been unwell in some sort of definitive way, like a retrograde turning point; the one when I seemed to become allergic to the pulse of life itself. We had had the opportunity to get away for a weekend in London around that date, 21st of Feb, and so I set off in good spirits to have this unexpected treat but came back as though hacked down by a broadsword. Just one night there, over which I hadn’t slept a wink in our four-poster bed, and I was back home curled up in the foetal position for a day, too sensitive to open my eyes or do anything until some kind of cautious equilibrium was refound. Walking those London streets, it had been as though the pavements were electric, burning through my soles, sparking nerve pains up my legs, which I blamed on the electrification of everything but, really that was just the finishing touch. It was the combined energy; of all those people, underground-overground, along with electric currents, wi-fi and then the life force of Nature itself, on top of all that, like the straw that broke my camel’s back, rising up through the pavements, unstopable even where there is concrete and girders (perhaps pushing all the harder for it) that had floored me. How ironic, that what was apparently too much for me seemed only to bring me down even closer to what seemed to be my peril; the ground beneath my feet.

Because all of what I’m describing here is the profound inability to ground myself that has been at the core of all of my health (and other) issues for years!

This need to ground ourselves, as bandied around so freely these days in both health and spiritual circles, is so fundamental to our wellbeing that, without it being met, we cease to exist. Quite literally, our bodies and our ability to manifest anything of substance fails and so our desire turns to pure spirit and we leave, inch by inch by inch, like vapour rising from a corpse on a hot day. Excuse the unsavoury graphic but it feels closest to what I have been through for the longest time. Somewhere along life’s path, my ability to trust life and stay grounded had become precarious, as so-often happens to many of us, as our health starts to testify to. Sometimes this breakdown happens abruptly in the way of acute illness, at other times in a long and lingering seperation that becomes chronic and precarious health, but it all comes from the same state of imbalance between our physical and nonphysical aspects and then we start to doubt our very ability to be here in physical form.

So to be compelled to lie down on the ground; more, to have survived it (believe me, I have zealously followed such whims many times before, only to feel in much worse pain afterwards), in this month of The Quickening was, for me, a remarkable outcome and one that I have paid its due attention. Just as I paid attention to some new developments in this regard last year, though they took somewhat longer to get started that time. I see now how I have been on a steady path of progression since early last year and how this is all part of such a positive new trajectory for my health.

A year ago, I was still in recovery from the flu that began the day after my AuraTransformation and which took me several weeks to, really, get over though I was still feeling compromised for much longer than that, as though my body was having to find feet it had long-ago lost sight of. And yet…by mid-summer…I was noticing something else. I was feeling this Quickening every day now, more and more, hearing its pulse as the dawn got started and the light began to repigment….and I was now wanting to stir to its drumbeat. No, not just listen from the sidelines; it was no longer enough to plump up my pillows and just lie there, playing audience to the dawn chorus…I needed to be part of it. So I could be part of how Nature repaints the picture of life with each rise of the sun; and how every living creatures plays their part, like well-rehearsed brushstrokes taking up position; the birds in the sky, the song in the air, the rising of moisture from the earth and the laying-on of colour from the strengthening sun.

So I began slipping on my clothes and sneaking from the bedroom as soon as I felt its first rhythm, which would always wake me with just enough time to be by the back door with my keys in hand, to summon a sleepy dog and be gone through the deserted streets in the first monochrome light of day, to a place…a favourite place…that I often walk by the river, though made “as new” in this new colour scheme. 

And for all those many weeks of high summer, I got into the pattern of walking in this Quickening air of early morning, if not all then, many days; often accompanied by “my” owl (an old friend from sunset evenings) still hunting in the half-light, who would almost seem to be following my route across two vast fields and return to her box in the tree near the car as I walked back to it with the ever-strengthening sunlight warming my hair. Those mornings were pure magic and it was as though they reconnected me to life; with the upward thrust of what it means to be physical, to want to stand on legs, to move and to be vital in physical form, as The Quickening always speaks about. The most remarkable thing of all was how I was bouncing out of bed, onto immediately upright legs and straightened back, none of my usual stooping and dragging that made me seem like an old woman until I had properly woken up. I was as lithe and as action-ready as my far younger self had ever been and it felt so amazing, so exhilarating, that it made me want more and more of it; to the point I became convinced I was now going to go backwards and would get younger as the years went on from the sheer desire for it, reclaiming all I had missed over the last decade or so like it had been held in a savings account and gathered interest. Though it had taken me until mid summer to catch up with this pulse, this feeling lasted me until late October and I had the most physically active and upright year I had had since my health crashed well over a decade ago.

So this year, to be on time…to feel The Quickening as me, inside of me at its very first stirrings and to be in a state that can carry that pulse, hold onto it, made manifest as me, and not be floored, toppled over, or in so much rigidity and pain that I can’t move my limbs for days or bear the daylight, has been so tremendous as a sign, a clear signal, that I am grounding at last. And this has been going on for several weeks now; I have been doing some of the longest walks of my year since the sun regained some warmth and I seem to want to be outside more than in, upright more than sitting, moving more than stagnating…all of this is wonderfully new.

My AuraTransformation (see my post) last February (sorry to go on about this but it has been so key to my process) began this sheer momentum of crystallisation taking place in the body in such a way that  it has equipped me to merge the spirit, which I already had in spadefuls, with the flesh and not topple over…which, for me, is immense since it is all I could ever hope for, to stay alive. Its only as I experience this for the second year running that I get to grasp how this new momentum began with that milestone and turned the downward slide of my health on its head.

Honestly, the way I was before taking that step, I was doubting whether I would manage to keep things together for so very much longer because, once “old age” joined in the party, I feared I would just disintegrate in weakness, pain and more-and-more bizarre symptoms and that would be that. Now, I feel like I’m just at the beginning of enjoying this brand-new marriage of two aspects of myself that have always been on a somewhat tenuous footing with each other and which are now fully committed, together, to go the distance…as me. As I sit here writing this in the early morning…a little stiff from yesterday, yes, but nothing some of Doterra’s magical Deep Blue couldn’t make bearable and having jumped out of bed, to my yoga mat, as soon as the first light came around the shutters, I know I’ve had the breakthrough of my life this last year and, for me, this is enormous progress. 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAYesterday, it seems, I went to meet The Quickening on its territory. Yes, I went to meet it on its terms as its first stirrings pulsed the very rhythm through the earth that gives the blossom its cue to open from the bud, the birds to sing louder, the green shoots to push through the earth, the bulb to explode with new life, the mating pairs to think ahead to nesting, the first butterflies to risk flight (I saw my first one last week, in my cherry tree), the clouds to give way to blue and the river to run with all-new vitality, casting sparkles into a clear sky…and I lay with it, taking it into me as the very life-force of planet earth that it is. It was tantamount to saying to it “yes, I plan to stay” and that is what it took to begin over again, on a brand-new footing; to make myself whole, drawing that part of me that I have made my everything (the spirit; thus it is puffed up like the biggest balloon from a lifetime of constant attention), deep into the infrastructure of the physical aspect of me, newly made all the stronger from the sheer will to be here and take part in life. Now, I can’t wait for those sunrise walks to begin and which, I suspect, are a matter of mere weeks away, just as soon as it gets a fraction warmer…so, in under a month, I would say. For a woman who could hardly get out of bed in the mornings for over 12 years, this quickening process in me is astonishing and life-affirming, like the rebirth enacted by Nature itself, time and time again.

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Well, Hallelujah!

You know how it is when a song gets kind-of ruined for you from being overplayed? It was a few years ago now, not long after Alexandra Burke repopularised the Leonard Cohen song Hallelujah, that it happened for me, with that song. My daughter, who was busy doing her singing exams and preparing for various school concerts and festivals, chose it as one of her pieces and it was all we ever seemed to hear, being sang at the top of her lungs all around the house day and night. Or on our so-called “peaceful” walks in the countryside. In fact anywhere and everywhere.  For months. Actually, it spilled out into years as she just seems to have to hear the opening bar and she’s off again, to this day. So for a long time, whenever it came on in my hearing, I would have to dash to switch it off. My husband would virtually run from the house shouting “Noooo” (in fact, we both would, in comic unison) and plunge his head into a bucket of water to block off his ears…OK I exaggerate but you get the idea. We’d had enough of it.

So you’ll have to forgive me if I never quite got around to really examining the words, apart from that ear-worm refrain; until yesterday, that is, when something made me curious (after, guess what, it came up in that way it does) when, for once, I didn’t reach for the volume button.

Only then could I perceive its absolute perfection as a “hymn” for our times (just make sure you read all the verses, not just the abridged version that is so often sung). I gather it was a deeply personal song that took several laborious years to write but isn’t that the real beauty; that what is most personal, heart-rendered and gritty is, generally, also most universal? Yet “Its a cold and its a broken halleluja” are not lyrics of despair, however Cohen intended them (art has this way of birthing through us, as its vehicle, only to become its own “person” with an agenda all its own too). Far from it…they help reunite us with ourselves.

fancycrave-307429-unsplashBecause we arn’t pristine and our spiritual aspect isn’t this polished-up, high-note thing kept for Sunday best (in fact I dislike that word “spiritual” for the way it seems to shut the door on so many people’s ears for sounding too much like something separate from this world when, really, it’s an intrinsic part of everything). Divinity is a perfectly imperfect thing that we get to wear every day and we should be getting it out of the closet and doing that right now; it’s what this up-gearing of eras is all about, so we can evolve our world into a whole other paradigm to what we’ve been through before.

When we regard our divine aspect as something pristine, we hold onto the belief system that says that we have to be perfect before we even allow ourselves to come close to it, to touch it with idle curiosity, to imagine ourselves to be associated with it, to try it on and, yes, to become it in the flesh…and so, most of the time, we simply don’t go there. It becomes like that “thing” you’re always going to do “one day” when the “time is just right” and all your “circumstances are just so”…and so, like the sunday best you never wear, it stays in the closet, never even looked at. What Cohen did to bring that idea crashing down into the harsh, messy reality of our world was imperfectly beautiful. No wonder (a certain unsung part of) so many people seemed to gather to his lyrics like moths to a flame; hungrily, though they hardly know why. From the recording studio to the school concert repertoire, it must be one of the most repeated songs of our era.

So my perfectly imperfect twist in the tale was that all that holding of those lyrics at-bay meant they were there for me, like an unopened gift left behind after the tree has gone, when I needed to most pay attention to them; perhaps to share these few words.

Akin to everyone else, I’m not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and yet I know myself to be divine, which is the knowledge that has upgraded my experience of everything in this world, and then some, and I wish only for everyone else to know this about themselves, too….however “cold” and “broken” they may seem. We are all holy and realising this is what makes us whole again.

I’m certainly not some cookie-cutter parent who treats every utterance from a child’s mouth as manna from heaven and who gushes praise and encouragement at every turn. For the record, I’ve done plenty of that when its felt from the heart…but my well-rounded daughter declares she is oddly relieved that we’ve always been very “real” and a little bit “irreverent” as parents; it’s what makes us feel most solid and trustworthy to her, in every possible kind of circumstance. She’s got over the teasing about that song…and she still sings it anyway; I expect it will play at her wedding (possibly as part of the humourous speech given by her father; he’s been mentally planning it for years)! And I’m so very far from perfect in just so many other respects that I would be here all day listing them all if I tried but I’ve come to love them all as uniquely me, knowing them to be part of my divinity in human form…and that’s the point. In fact that’s the whole point, for every single one of us. Well, hallelujah.


This evening, my eye fell upon a very favourite piece of music on Spotify that I hadn’t played for a long time so I did. Its Jocelyn Pook’s “Desh” (Homeland), a score written for dancer Akram Khan. First track up (of course…though I had forgotten this), a very different “Hallelujah” but oh so beautiful (described by one critic, for The Times, as “so beautiful it could break your heart” ). The same goes for the rest of the score, which is exactly the kind of cross cultural musical experience I seem to be drawn to, liberally mixing sounds recorded in the streets of Bangladesh with lyrical chants and hymns, reminding the listener that it’s all the same stuff, really….all just expressions of our shared humanity. You can listen to it here if you’re curious. If you do find it, make sure to listen to Ave Maria off the same album, its one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard and never fails to send me off into rapture.

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The harmonic perspective

Last time I was on here, I was in a flow state writing that last post on frequencies and I can tell when I’ve hit a bullseye with the hypothesis when the universe gets into a sort of tennis match with me straight afterwards. After all that high frequency stuff, it will always remind me I also need more dark in the picture; because, really, life is no different to a painting. Not dark as in “bad”; there is no good or bad out there but just more balance….

So within hours, my theorising about bringing the higher frequency, all-inclusive Gamma waves into  the context of “real life” was tested out by the kind of news guaranteed to slip under any mother’s skin; being about a child (albeit an adult child) in health and work-related strife. I noticed, recently, how offspring-related issues are still my biggest tripwire; even though I’ve learned to put up with all sorts of pain and challenge for myself, gradually getting more adept at balancing it into a far bigger picture, where I get to see how all of it is running to some sort of higher orchestration (really). Yet, when it happens to them, its different somehow; partly because we parents tend to feel so responsible for their wellbeing, somehow, regardless of their age. I honestly think this is even more the case for parents of indigo children (as all kids of that late-teenage-to-early-twenties age group are) since they are full of energy and zest for life but can lack certain practical skills dealing with the pressure-driven ways of the “old” world set-up, which is not (yet…though they will change this) wired as they are. So, until they start to chrystalise…which they will when they’re ready…they can quickly burn out their physical bodies when they clash with those old structures that don’t fit how they operate. This can seem far worse to witness in them than at those times we have experienced it for ourselves (as I have), plus our own intense experience of this difficult territory only makes us all the more anxious for them as they head out into a world that is, to our own eyes, so backward in its ideals. So I knew, even as this was unfolding and I was noticing how bothered I was becoming, that this was a good road-test of what I was writing about last time.

I spoke then about how experiencing even brief glimpses of the Gamma frequencies helps to synchronise us to the frequency of higher harmonics, enabling us to bring those “down” into day-to-day experience to achieve a kind of transcendence from within the messy picture of circumstance.

Even as I was feeling rattled by these circumstances (the kind that would normally throw me off at a tangent…), I was noticing how, at their core, there remained a sturdy part fo me that was still…well…harmonious. I just didn’t feel dragged in like I would usually be and I had a pervading feeling of optimism inside of me that almost felt obscene given what was happening; the kind that used to be reliant on better news or more obvious solutions up ahead. Its like I remained pulled back a little, patiently waiting for some sort of new picture to unfold, knowing somehow that it would…today, tomorrow or whenever the particular poetry of this challenge/reset would reveal itself out of what seemed so indigestible today. Its was that all-pervading feeling of “all is well” that people talk about but which we rarely allows ourselves to experience.

I can only imagine how many people experiencing this across many different situations (one day, all situations) could help to defuse our world, remarkably quickly. I can perceive how, by no longer adding to the drama of emotion around this situation, I was playing a more powerful part in influencing its outcome now, at the quantum level, than I ever was when I added to its bonfire…and in ways that remained to be seen. And yes, as it played out, there was a remarkable turn-about of circumstance by morning, which developed further as the week went on, turning these stresses into a storm in a teacup and even a highlight from the way that so much was gleaned by my near-and-dearest, who did some impressive growing up when faced with these challenges (and without me joining her in her panics but supporting her from outside their intensity). Why wasn’t I surprised.

Maintaining this Gamma state (perhaps all the easier because I spent a day writing about it) enabled me to see a far wider perspective on this “bad” news I was receiving and to do what felt more powerful than trying to be proactive, second-hand which, actually, only contributes to feelings of despair and helplessness since we simply can’t live other people’s lives for them. We can’t automatic-pilot them into doing what we would do, we can’t see it like they really see it and we can’t expect them to follow our instructions to the letter. All we can do is do is our own inner work…I mean really do it…and wait, whilst holding that state of higher harmonics as us, embodied by us, feeding into any actions or advice we contribute, along with a state of no doubt (that thing I spoke about in the post of that name, recently).

Those higher harmonics include being able to perceive how even outcomes that are not what we think we are chosing right now might be for the (broadest interpretation of) best overall. And although I may have tried to get to the same place as this, many times before, by faking positivity, as in cheerfully telling others and myself “everything will work out” in the middle of crisis, as many of us (especially parents) are wont to do, it probably wouldn’t have stuck in the same way, thus its effect would have been far less swift. This has to be so much more than just doing lip-service to optimism or sharing out hopeful platitudes. You’ve got to gain experience of what harmonious feels like, seeking it out and being vigilant for it, to learn its ropes and believe in it…and I honestly think we are all being bathed in such opportunities at the present time, even though we hardly realise it (see my last post on the Schumann Resonance).

With perfect synchronicity, I just came across this quote from Lee Harris:

“There is a new world emerging alongside the dissonance so do not be seduced by fighting the dissonance in the world too much. It can be very debilitating if you only want to fight the old without creating the new – and more importantly, you start to mirror what the old is and become the old itself. ⁣

There are harmonic ways to bring about change and there are old and dissonant ways. And what you will find as you go through these coming years is that this high harmonic principal will apply to all of you whether it applies to your personal life, the work you are doing in the world or the mission that you have in the world. ⁣” – From Light Years (2019-2022): The Era of Higher Harmonics⁣

Another thing I noticed was the speed with which the crisis passed through my body, which is usually so eager to take the hit and suffer for it, even long after I have righted myself in my mind. The night this was all happening, rather than stress-dreams, I dreamt the expansive dreams of the cosmically extended mind, waking feeling altogether better and more inspired than normal, in line with that truly optimistic feeling I was spinning. And though I could feel my body had taken its usual hit by morning, waking in a lot of pain, I had the urge to go and stand barefoot in the cold garden to ground myself  in the middle of jotting down these words. Once back indoors, a raging heat passed through me…quite incredible in its force yet so swift, flushing through me so intensely and then gone again. Right afterwards, my body felt wonderful, all the pain of earlier gone, and right back to where I was before any of this happened. This was the most noteworthy thing of all since I am so used to how long this kind of stress-related pain usually takes to process through me as physical collateral.  All that human tension washed away or emptied out of me, like opening the bottom of a vacuum cleaner to tip it all into the bin, and was gone in a moment (if only we could all learn to dispose of our tensions so quickly).

I don’t want to go much further into this topic given its only meant as a brief add-on to my previous post. Really, what I wanted to get across is the difference I sense between before and after “realising” the harmonious effect of the higher frequencies that are coming into our experience (more all the time), so that we get to learn these ropes within life, without having to go even nearly so far as a near death experience in order to “see the light”. Also, to comment on the way this feels profoundly equated to the crystal frequencies not only coming in but being, feasibly, embodied….which is the great conundrum of our time. Its one thing to have high frequencies made more available than ever, plus the intention to embody them as humans, but quite another to achieve this in practicality, as I talked about in my recent post on AuraTransformation (the process I am using to support myself through the embodiment process).

For a long time, I have been bringing in the crystal frequencies, as have many people, and yet they are notoriously hard to embody or, if we do, to hold onto. They can also be extremely harsh upon the physical body and leave us depleted, extremely unwell or worse…this is, after all, spiritual light we are playing with, something which burns through matter in order to get back to the very essence…yet we are endeavouring to invite it into our every cell and tissue, which is not an easy mix (like oil and water). Anni Sennov, creator of AuraTransformation, who experienced a similar health crisis to mine, in the early days of embodying the higher frequencies, talks at length about the respect we need to have for pure spirit energy in her books:

“…if Spirit in its purest form were suddenly to occupy the Earth, as is the true wish of many spiritual people, the physical structure of the planet would simply collapse. All human development as well as the development of all kinds of physical intelligence, knowledge and insight would therefore be completely wasted; when the Spirit burns through everything, only the essence of everything remains, which corresponds to a pure state of being, but with no physical memory on which to build human development. If this were to happen, Earth would have to start all over by developing human consciousness from scratch”. (The Crystal Human and the Crystallisation Process Part 1.)

This is why balance is just so essential, the most important thing; as a structure in which to house this high-frequency energy; however, that’s not all that is needed. Not only does the process rely on balance to serve as the framework within which these higher frequencies become the substance. It also, crucially, relies on us realising that harmonious state…as us. We have to get beyond thinking of this as something “arriving” as though coming from ouside and get to the point where we know its us. Its, really, all us, with all of our messy stuff, all of the time, with no seperation; there is no “other” person, entity or state coming in to sweep us off our feet.

There’s also some confusion because people tend to mix up “balance” and “harmony”, or use them interchangeably, like they are the same thing but they’re not. Balance takes “just” the rebalancing of two parts of ourselves; the dichotomy that lies at the very core of our humaness. Harmony is like a vast choir plus orchestra made up of all things, producing such beautiful music, for all it contains huge diversity; bass tones and sopranos, harps, kettledrums and everything in between. Harmony is the “spin” on life we get to experience when we sample the Gamma frequencies (these new spikes we are experiencing in the Schumann Resonance will help) and, when we bring that down into the hotchpotch of real life, its like that orchestra’s conductor shows up on our own humble doorstep and turns a rabble into the harmonious sound we heard “up there”…yet, it turns out, we are that conductor. No matter how out-of tune or offensive a “sound” something may have been to us before, we can kind-of perceive the beauty and the requirement for it now…or at least we get a lot closer. So we start to perceive, and work with, life quite differently, always keeping an ear out for the harmonious music; which is not unlike (or unrelated to) what I shared in my post about the frequency of birds. We find we now have a lot more patience…to remain open long enough to see how something turns out, like waiting to see what a new cutting-edge composer had in mind, without prejudging their peculiar composition, for all they are using dustbin lids and other bizarre things to make a “sound”. Life is just like that; improvisation to the end.

Of course, this is old and obvious stuff; the stuff of ancient wisdom and of rote repeats in spiritual circles but to experience it is something else, especially in the context of your own-personal trigger situation; as happened to me. If I can make  “harmonious music” of even that, even for a moment, then I’m truly getting somewhere. Thing’s aren’t “the same as they have always been” (we have to unlearn that old belief system because its one of our biggest downfalls to hold on to it as we do); there are new outcomes waiting for us around every corner. So I encourage you to start to looking out for opportunities to road test the higher-harmonic approach…and the more challenging it is, the more you get to try it out; which turns the whole of life into a gift-bag of opportunities. For the record, I’ve had some even more juicy opportunities this week than the example given (which was chosen for its relatablity), turning it into a ceaseless game of creating new outcomes…yet, I can honestly say, I’ve seen some massive shifts in some potent areas of my life, working with this.

Right at the end of this writing process, “chance” threw up a favourite piece of music (so familiar, over many years, that it feels like part of me), yet given such wonderful new treatment by Christina Pluhar that it I was really moved by the upgrade, its classic formality stirred up into a loose Latin rhythm (as we are all getting to do with the familiar experiences of our lives). Its so-apt title for these times is “Welcome to All the Pleasures” and those familiar words, written almost 350 years, are as follows:

Welcome to all the pleasures that delight
Of ev’ry sense the grateful appetite.
Hail, great assembly of Apollo’s race.
Hail to this happy place, this musical assembly
That seems to be the arc of universal harmony.

(Purcell: written in honour of Saint Cecilia, patroness of musicians)

Need I say more? I’ll let the musicians have the final word.

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