Writing “ourstory” together

I was watching the brand new biopic based on the life of singing artist and women’s activist Helen Reddy last night and it was so good, a real spirit-lifter and revisiting the music of the era was priceless. I grew up with her music ever-present in the soundtrack of my early childhood yet had no idea she was such a tour de fore of the 1960s-70s counterculture movement. Her song “I Am Woman” (which, according to the film, she had to fight tooth-and-nail to get released and initially tucked away on an album, relying on women requesting it get played to the radio stations…which they did in their thousands…to get it heard) is still the anthem of the Women’s Liberation Movement. This post isn’t about Helen Reddy so much as about some of her qualities, seen from the bigger vantage point. From that place, I would describe her and others like her (so many of them musicians because that has tended to be the area where activists would “get active” and heard, though less so since so much of it became corporate) in these terms. She was an early Indigo, a forerunner of the Eighth Wave and an agent of the Aquarian Age.

What do I mean by these things? Well, popular viewpoint in new age circles has it the indigos arrived as a wave of “active” young starbeings (by the way, we are all from the stars, when it comes down to it) that began to be born from about 1987 onwards but I have long maintained that there were many that predated that wave, as a sort of fore-runner to prepare the ground for the grand changing of times (and I count myself amongst them). For instance, I would count Einstein and DH Lawrence and just so many writers, artists, Bohemians and alternate idea deliverers of the early twentieth century amongst their ranks because they cracked the ceiling of the old paradigm and let new light in. Many of those born since ’87 have yet to become “active” as in to become activated or activate anyone else but others were simply born that way, road-ready as it were and I have been spotting them for years (when you are one and you feel like you are in an “odd” minority for years, you can’t help yourself noticing like-souls who think outside the current box). They are people who are simply wired differently to the mainstream, such that their very presence in a room can cause others to shift about in their seat, initially in discomfort (but shift is still shift) or to question what is otherwise taken for granted, and often they lead their expression with their art.

The Eighth Wave (see the quantum history books of Dr Carl Johan Calleman for full explanation) is something I have written about before as the wave (obviously!) before the now active Ninth Wave of the Mayan long count. Whereas the Ninth is all about unity consciousness, the pinnacle of the piece, the Eighth was a correction wave, an alternate current to the way things had been for so long, thus all about reinstating balance in a heavily imbalanced world. So, to this day, it is the fuel (or cosmic impulse) that feeds the women’s movement, women’s lib, MeToo, Black Lives Matter and the call for sexual orientation equality, etc. It is the call of “time to pay the piper”, as in, let’s put things right, get fair, tip the balance and has been/remains a necessary stage in righting all the gross imbalance in the world. Ultimately, it is a passing phase because unity consciousness is the destination point (once these agendas are met) yet the Eighth Wave is the means of getting there and people such as Helen Reddy were part of that movement at the point it first started gaining momentum from the late 1960s onwards. Their preparedness to stand up, be seen, call out the unfairness and (in her case) sing loudly about it, gathering other women’s attention, was such a necessary part in, guess what, the steady movement towards, and preparation for, The Age of Aquarius.

Of course, musicians and artists were singing and talking about the Age of Aquarius back in 1968 but they sill had a way to go…about another 50 years, for all their “here it is” optimism. That said, we may never have got so far without them and its one of the reasons I’m so fascinated by, and drawn, to, the music and musicians of the late ‘60s and early ‘70s (my era, as in, when I was born into this crazy out-of-kilter world). I often wonder if I could ever have coped with this world for a second if, like my siblings, I’d been born into the monochrome austere and highly gender-tilted world of the ‘50s…I am a colourful Aquarian child through and through. I even suspect that my pre-birth self made it a condition of coming that I not arrive a moment before the Love Revolution got underway, hence why I was the late conception of the four of us, in the very summer that happened. Joking aside, there is a truth to that as I feel very much “of” the Aquarian Age, a hippy child-into-adult all my life, and the years in between have been a long hard slog of trying to turn up the dials of its vibration ready for the full effect to click in (as per my last post) from about now onwards, we speculate. If astrologers are right, the winter solstice this year should mark the beginning (proper) of the Age of Aquarius, for all its frequency has been fuelling the arts, and certain artists, for decades.

It promises to be a very different era and musicians like Helen Reddy (not all of them female, there is a long long list and I would count, say, the Beatles as early players) paved the way for it by implanting the seeds of new ideas into people though music (and yes, also through art) so that we would be ready for the transition into something very much more liberated and authentic, more spirited and true to our highest part. So, I just wanted to bash out these few words on this topic, which is always one that fascinates me when it sparks to life in conjunction with some artist, writer or musician that I find out some more about than I previously knew and then realise “ah, one of us…”, as in, they have been helping, for years, to plant important seeds that now (and her death this year has sparked new interest and exposure to her special frequency…she came in at No 2 in the Australian charts this year with her 1972 anthem “I Am Woman”, exposing a whole new generation) come to fruition. This post is a deep bow to their lives, their contribution, their determination to follow some calling or thread that went contrary to the hard-edged paradigm that made the rebel of them. I am deeply grateful for the stamina and vision, often the heavy toll upon their lives, that it took. To me, such people are the signposts of the rapidly turning wheel of history.

I have always been fascinated by history and the patterns it plays out; I very nearly did my degree in it until something in the delivery of the subject caused me to very suddenly drop it and change subjects in the second year of uni yet (in my own inimitable fashion) I remain fascinated by it. These curious times seem to remind me, daily, why this life-long interest was always destined to, one day, make me into the fascinated observer of such interesting days to be alive. Being able to pull back and notice the trends, the dots to join, the threads that speak bigger meaning, on a comic scale, is where I am happiest these days and it fills me with such enthusiasm that I can easily see why I chose to be alive in these times; yet I take my cues from intuitive “knowing” more so than history source books these days as I almost compulsively join dots across subtle cues and behaviours, noticing the bigger picture forming. Perhaps, in years to come, the terms I use above (Indigo, Eighth and Ninth Wave, Age of Aquarius) will be better known as tools used to better understand this so-important phase in history…this transition era…only, surely, that very word “history” is already dead in the water.

We all know, don’t we, that history is always written by the reigning conquerors, a distortion which tilts the truth whereas we are, surely (at last), headed for a time when we are all destined to be winners, together. When we distort the story, one way or the other, we soon-enough begin to convince ourselves of its truth, if it is repeated often enough; but then the distortion becomes our next prison cell, out of which we struggle to see daylight. The twists and turns of my own life have taught me, the hard way, how to reach the point of telling my own story through the eyes of all parties as fairly as I can…because it is the only way it could be told that didn’t continue to distort me, at my very roots.

Such distortion is not the exclusive zone of a male version of the story; because distortion comes when any one “side” gets to choose the mode (and the filters) of delivery. For a time there, the momentum would seem to have suggested that women were after flipping the term “history” around to become “herstory” and perhaps it took that degree of sheer determination to push forwards against thousands of years of well-established, gender-based tyranny but then, after all, that would have just been another distortion, a tyranny of perspective, in the end. Really, what we are aiming for, together, is “ourstory”; a truly Ninth Wave phenomenon. With heartfelt thanks to all those of the Eighth Wave, who questioned and agitated the story we were being told sufficiently for light to penetrate through, we then graduate to the next level. From there, we get to tell the story of ourselves, together, even as we write it and no one wins or distorts to the exclusion of other. Whilst truth will always remain, to some degree, a subjective thing, the very allowing of the subjectiveness…peaceably…leads us to a new, curious, intelligent, open-minded, accepting, inclusive way of spinning stories that feed a better future rather than always seeking to claim the victory of the past (note: hanging onto our past woundedness like a trophy to keep waving about can also be a way of trying to dominate the current story) or control the future. When it is all about feeding the future, together, then we grow that story like we might tend a seed in the soil and the story itself is organic, not twisted this way or that by the hands, or hurts, of anyone. Without winners or losers (or even loss of individuality…this is important; it is no one’s place to suppress this) the story is simply, collectively, “us”. I look forward to us telling it together.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Preparing to meet Earth’s higher self

One thing back-pondering the old bully energies that were in my life long ago has done for me these recent weeks (subject of other posts) is brought to the surface the strongest sense ever of timelines and how, at a very key point in this life, I made a choice…or a leap…to change my life for the better. It was the beginning of a process of fully merging with my Higher Self, rather than stoutly ignoring her (still work in progress) and it very quickly effected the kind of upshifts in my circumstances that belied all logical conclusions. Looking back, it was as though I had feet of clay until that point but suddenly there was an air quality to everything I did and touched and so things became more inspired, yes more impulsive seeming but really so much better informed and truer to myself, more compassionate, more cohesive, tinged with joy and appreciation, which then invoked more positive outcomes on a rolling momentum. In summary, things got so much better; abruptly, and never a need to look back except to learn from the contrast….though, paradoxically, I have decided to take a long look back this year because, well, it feels important and relevant, just this once, and I am about to tell you why.

Though I am over much of the emotional wounding from the years that preceded that jump into something different (and I am talking about over fifteen years ago here), one of the main reasons I chose to take Lee Harris’ powerful Empath vs Narcissists course this month (topic I have written about in my health blog) was because I could still see how those intervening years played out in my health as the stuck groove of old energies rampaging my body, stuck in at the foundational level of who I am in the physical sense (which is not always a match with who I Am in spirit). Lining these two things up into better balance is the work of lifetimes; all of our lifetimes, whether we realise it or not, only some of us make the task more overt than others. So those who really focus on this area are not broken or obsessed with our wounds, rather, we tend towards gathering the learning of what we notice as we up-shift our bodies as the wisdom of our lives and because we see the value of sharing what we learn with others; so, perhaps there are more of us doing this “work” now than is usual; as we approach an era of great shift for everyone.

So, high though I can fly in my spirit, the body (as ever) can be slower to catch up, with a lag factor that requires patience and ever nurturing care and oversight…the Bigger Sight that refuses to get caught up in old paradigm boxes of thought with neat labels on the front, full as they are of old, ill-fitting ideas as to what is supposedly “going wrong”. It takes an open mind, and the leadership of the heart, to heal the wounds of taking timeline and paradigm leaps, not a load of drugs, psycho-babble and negativity.

Yet I have also come to realise that its not all about me or for me that I am familiarising with these wider perspectives (somehow, I have always known this, since I was a very young child) because I am also an Earth Empath and Earth herself is still at the mercy of some very strong, domineering bully energies, a narcissistic hand grip that won’t quite let go of the trajectory she is allowed to go….yet!

The beauty of seeing this personal, stuck, situation through the viewpoint of timelines is the ability to see more clearly what it was that suddenly induced me to change everything on a hairpin and how, therefore, we can all (collectively) alter things for the earth (as below, so above) when the time is right. Yes sudden, almost illogical degrees of change or alteration of direction, in the way of a miracle cure, are really possible although this is not a popular idea in our present day logic-driven culture. I guess you could say, it wasn’t in my stars to make that giant leap in my life, my circumstances, my very belief structures about what life was all about until, well, it suddenly was…and then I jumped and everything changed from that moment as though scales fell from my eyes, the walls of the box tipped outward and I was standing in a very different space. The expansion that has taken place in my consciousness since makes a very small box out of the person I used to be, and I could no longer fit into that persona, could bearly squeeze into her fingertips. I don’t go back to pick over the old wounds to make sense of why I lived in that box (conditioning has dictated all of our lives for so very long) so much as to better understand how I made the transition; to perfect it, to make it into a transferable skill.

It takes a lot more shifting of “stars” to manoeuvre an entire shift of an era for a planet compared to a person’s life trajectory (let’s say, it doesn’t happen so very often, in fact can take many thousands of years to get so many aspects to perfectly line up at once) but Earth is scheduled to go through such a leap at the end of this year; in fact, we are already well into the transition phase and have been for almost a decade, but most assuredly these past eight months or so…do you register (how could anyone miss it)? Some people seem to sleep through profound shifts or remain so focussed on themselves they hardly notice unless directly inconvenienced (and then they tend to put all their energy into blaming) but not one as momentous as this, and its fair to say it has most people’s attention. Things won’t be easy or magically solved overnight (any more than my body was able to magically transformed to keep abreast with what my spirit already registered all those years ago) but for those of us tuned to notice the signs, and the altered direction of the wind that now billows our sails where once it pushed against them, we get to work with the new momentum and hasten the way it is then anchored into physical form as the New Earth. This has been my experience; and things are getting so much faster, going through their paces at lighting speed…have you noticed? I recently had a health wobble on a par with one I had just over a year ago that physicaly floored me for months and yet here I am, all but recovered in a week…just one of countless examples of things speeding up and becoming blink-of-an-eye that used to be long and arduous, also a sign I am acclimatising to the shifts (its just that our personal examples convince us all the more readily than what we notice getting faster in the outside world). We get to use these traits of New Time just as soon as we notice and acknowledge them!

If you want to know much more about the compelling line-up of cosmology and circumstance relating to the shifting of ages that is 2020, I can do no better than point you at this video which explains all (and bear in mind, it was made before the events of this year made the upheaval it predicts all the more visceral to the broader imagination). Please don’t be put off my the title, apocalypse simple means massive change or, dictionary definition, “a prophetic revelation, especially concerning a cataclysm in which the forces of good permanently triumph over the forces of evil”. There are many, and I mean many, informed people that consider the 21st December, when Saturn and Jupiter will form a conjunction (a once every 33 year event) this year but this time, incredibly, at 0 degrees of Aquarius to be the shift into the long heralded Age of Aquarius, coming as it does on the tail of several astrological events that are enough to get astrologers all of a tingle. The full event is a once every 3000 years triple conjunction: made up of a 13 year Saturn Pluto conjunction, a 13 year Jupiter Pluto conjunction and a 20 year Saturn Jupiter grand conjunction falling on such an auspicious date as the northern winter solstice (the most signifiant solar day of the year) at zero degrees of Aquarius, plus we had a annular solar eclipse on the same day as the (northern) summer solstice in June. All Great Conjunctions since 1802 have taken place in “earth” constellation astrological signs; this will be the first in an “air sign” and they will continue in air signs until 2159. As for the significance of our entry into the Age of Aquarius, there has been so much avid speculation on this topic and what it could herald for the altered flavour and direction of life on earth for just so long that I leave you to do your own research but let’s just say we have been in the Age of Pisces since the birth of Christ and that auspicious transition was why astrologers were expecting the big event that became him!

So, in summary, the date of the Saturn Jupiter conjunction on 21st December is predicted by some to launch us into a very different flavour of “era” to that which we have been in for the longest time as we leap from earth dominant times into an air sign for the next 150 years and the Age of Aquarius, which is a very real phenomenon, gets going in earnest. Really, the above video is the best summary I have found and you really might enjoy it!

If you are also interested in the Nine Waves and the now activated 9th, “unity consciousness”, level of the astonishingly accurate Mayan calendar (see my many other posts on this topic by searching the term Ninth Wave), you might want to add to this mix that we are rapidly approaching the 100th “day” of the ninth wave and that we have just entered the 98th “night” phase in sync with last night’s Super new moon…which 18 day duration will not complete until the day of the American election on 3rd November. Yes indeed, these are important choicepoints for all humanity and we each get an energetic vote…a prayer is such a thing…so please use yours wisely (rather than shrugging or assuming what you vote for in your heart doesn’t make a jot of difference), if only to vote for the highest possible outcome for all, if the politics defeat you; we can all do that. We start the 99th day of the Ninth Wave on the day the election results are announced; so, we get to choose what that dawning day looks like down here on the ground (with our energetic if not literal vote). Yet what seems like some “bad” outcome might not be so very doomed at that wider scale, though it might be the slower route to the same inevitable conclusions, because the unfoldment of the universe is not subject to being taken completely offtrack by human foibles, nor is the “vote” all hinged on one day and a particular personality, though it helps if we use these undeniable potentials to make positive change easier and swifter, less messy, than it might otherwise be. You can easily keep track of the ninth wave peaks and troughs here.

The 99th wave reaches its peak on 19th December, just in time for the astrological line up shared above and who knows what outcomes will have played through by then on this rollercoaster world, yet we are empowered to steer our part of the ride as soon as we entrain to the ninth wave and here’s why. Working with the ninth wave by living from our centre and embracing heart light as the core of all our choices is a superpower we all have access to and it impacts more than we know, way beyond our “little” lives because this frequency connects us with countless others doing likewise. It’s a frequency that establishes us as beings living and loving out their highest potential on earth whilst serving as her protectors and guardians and, from 21st December, the cosmos has our back.

Whether you believe in such astrologically scheduled leaps or not, I am living testament to them, of learning hands-on what it is to wield subtle yet undoubted powers of energetic influence that I once believed to be fable (or had no opinion about at all) and so I maintain that is something I am familiar with…and can still learn from, hence the current desire to revisit the era when they first awoke in me and the dark that preceded that (just as we are seemingly in the dark mire now, collectively). There is nothing so much as having your life alter utterly, from seemingly being stuck on an endlessly bleak, burdensome, ill-fitting route, where everything feels wrong and unnatural, where you expend what little energy you have left suppressing your own truth, fighting back your own deepest knowing for fear of revealing who you truly are as your highest version of selfhood, one where you feel like a prisoner in your own life, devoid of all optimism or viable choice, and then suddenly you are not in that anymore and everything falls into place.

I hasten to add, not because some sudden good fortune befalls you in the lottery of life and everything is magically “solved” overnight but because you sensed some sort of change in the air, a new tail wind that now has your back, a favourable current that will propel your tiny craft around any further rocks in the dense-dark waters up ahead and so you add your own momentum and take that leap along with the companion forces you sense are both covering your back like an outside force and yet also a newly awakened part of you, both outside and in, like some previously unnoticed superpower has come to life. This is, assuredly, how it felt to me way back then at the point I leapt; because I have often pondered what it was that launched me into a new life so suddenly, like taking a dive into the dark, though it logically defied all reason (or all of my character traits to date) to do so, yet it was something far more etheric than born of logic and I suddenly “just knew” when to attempt that first flight. Just as a butterfly must feel as it unfurls crumpled wings for the first time, hardly knowing what they are for and yet it makes the attempt at…something different. For the intervening years since that first happened (my own personal shift in eras) I have maintained a constant sense that there is still a timeline out there, somewhere, on which a version of me lags behind in some very old choices and a life less guilded (the comparison sometimes does me good)…yet, here I am, things are very different and I made that leap.

Yes, there has been some fallout or collateral, mostly the circumstantial upheaval (the spirit has never regretted the leap!) as the slower moving gears of physicality struggled and strained to keep up with such an abrupt take-off, like a jugganought attempting to turn in the road without even breaking…and my body is still testament to all that stress and strain. So I can well imagine we will be living with the fallout of a planet switching directions on a pin head for the next handful of years as many of our “systems” fall apart under the turbulence of switching to rocket power from horse drawn. But, if we pull through it together, pulling together as we travel through, we can achieve so much; even more if those of us who have affected personal change of a similar flavour can bring our wisdom and example to bear on the situation, including that there is no point living in the past, blaming anyone (including ourselves) or making things extra hard by focusing on the problems by looking at them through old eyes. Rather we hold the faith that we are now on the higher trajectory, we operate from love not blame and we keep on moving forwards, one foot at a time. If that sounds unfeasible, I think we will be surprised at how many of us are ready to do just that and, sensing this is their time (which it really wasn’t before…), many more will be encouraged to reveal themselves and what they have to offer. This world is not so stuffed with ill-intending, hopeless people as the media would have it!

The thing is, when an era changes and unseen forces line up, its as though the jigsaw that was all scrambled falls together effortlessly; synchronicities speak, communication becomes lighter and higher-vibrational (this is what we can expect from an age of “air”) and we take off in unforeseen ways.

Of course, those who have never experienced this, whose lives have maintained a predictable route, whether that route is pleasant, mundane or downright miserable, will take some convincing that such a turnabout is possible but that potential is still there, waiting, for them to experience for themselves; it cares not whether they realise because we each get to choose what we experience. No one needs be left behind in the coming era but there still may be those who choose, or dig themselves into, the old timelines and elect to stay there, in a parallel reality that is alternate to that which those of us seeking more for ourselves and this world have leap onto.

So, if this resonates, give it some thought in the next coming days, weeks and months…especially as we approach December…because what if we are scheduled to make such a leap; would you want to be part of it, would you want to feed its momentum with your positive thoughts, to get the run up with your optimism, unfurling wings you hesitate to believe in, ready to take off on your own personal updraught of positivity, or is it more important to you to “prove” that all such things are nonsense, unfeasible or unscientific, afraid to let go of what is so comfortingly familiar (even as it falls apart in your hands), waiting for some authority figurehead to save you, digging your heels into a reality that frustrates and seems to lead nowhere except deeper into confusion and loss of liberties and many of the things that you thought were so important to you or which you even use to define yourself (which is half the problem)? It’s entirely your choice but I think its fair to say that all timelines going forwards now involve momentous change, having passed a point in linear history that makes it inevitable; so it all depends what kind of change we can best live with and how much credence we give to the view point that we each manifest the kind of reality we expect and thus focus upon. When we choose the higher timeline, even if this feels founded on faith more so than logical conclusion at the outset, then we draw closer to our highest permeation of Self and thus we gather closer to Source and our collective Unity Consciousness. Things cannot fail to work better, more cohesively, with ever more collective wellbeing and planetary harmony, once we draw towards this.

Never before has there been such momentum behind us to choose a higher timeline, collectively. If you can bring yourself to see the light that has been, steadily, pouring in through the cracks of this highly bizarre year (as the lead up to a change in paradigm could be expected to be) to notice these have all been the birthing pains of a new world then maybe you can join some dots quickly enough to be waiting on the harbour as a new ship comes in…and, when that gangplank drops down, make a giant leap to be on it ready to set sail into the unchartered seas of a brighter future.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Life choices, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality, Universe | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Mars comes close

Mars comes close

I’m sharing this personal channel on the topic of Mars and power pretty much exactly “as it came to me” in case it resonates with anyone who happens to find it. If you don’t have a strong relationship with Mars or relate to what it feels like to have danced with narcissist energy in an unhealthy relationship dynamic (topic of a post I just shared on my health blog yesterday, if this interests you) then none of this will make quite as much sense, although I am putting it out there for anyone interested in negotiating a healthier relationship with power, not least their own. So, for all those who, for one reason or another, might get something from it, I share this short revery, which is as universal as it is personal in the dynamic it plays with:


The sheer intensity as Mars approached this week (at just 62.07 million km from earth; the last time it got this near was in Aug 2003, about the time I pluckily invited my partner of 17 years out on our first date, the next close-up not until 2035) has been palpable, like a full moon energy with knobs on. Rudi, my dog, has felt it intensely, leaping up, pacing around, going in and out of the house, and repeat, as soon as it’s visible in the evening sky. Is he amplifying my sensory awareness of it or feeling his own? Why me? Why do I ALWAYS feel Mars when it is doing something interesting in close proximity? Perhaps because Mars is “big” in my birth chart and why wouldn’t it be. I am my mother’s daughter. She was a formidable woman, some would say frightening at times, though she was really all heart and I am a chip off her block. Mars can be your boldness, your gutsiness, courage, assertiveness, the sheer passion and verve to get things going and I have spade-loads of those when I allow them to the surface (more on why some of us empaths don’t always do that below). So, blood flowing, blood boiling…its a very thin line, a tightrope for us sensitive types.

Mars from my window last night

The correlation of this close encounter with Mars with all the old “narcissist” stories coming up in me this week while I follow Lee Harris’ course, “Empaths vs Narcissists” (you will have to see my other post for more on that but the power of it is that I am, finally, looking in the eye all those deepest-darkest wounds that I buried well out of sight a long time ago) has been undeniable. I was able to see Mars and its pinky glow clearly from my window last night, even before I zoomed with a lens; and being able to see what you are dealing with, especially that which is normally out of sight, is a powerful upgrade in any situation. In that other post, I ask why was I magnetised to narcissist energy, and it to me, all my life, questions stirred by the course that I have been on for the last week? Because there is a match. A match of Mars energy with something in me, and Mars carries the narcissist brand, or, its potential. In our crazy messed-up world as it has been for the longest time, narcissism and Mars energy, as the energy of conflict and power, have become close allies. They are sometimes very hard to distinguish from one another, sharing some of the same ruthlessness, lack of remorse; and we see examples of this ever more overtly this year as themes that have long been covert come to the surface of our world. However, this is a distortion, and Mars does not have to be all about the way its energy has been hijacked to be (so dark) for the longest time. As with all things, there is another side to the story, and those two sides are about to get back into more balance.

So, Mars energy could go either way; to become uber-positive strength of a self-empowering, courageous kind, or it could come out as the distorted narcissist trait. I have spade loads of that strength, but I have come to fear it, even in myself, as a trait that could come out “wrong” and distorted, could harm someone else and so, ultimately me. Hint: though we all have our narcissist moments, this is a clue I am not a true narcissist because to hurt another is the deepest pain to me, capable of destroying me or inducing me to destroy myself by elected dismantling of all I am lest I do it again…a true empath response to hatefulness if every I saw one. This programming inside of an empath is what makes us such fun to a true narcissist as they can watch us squirm at the meerest hint we have become like them. Yes, Mars can be an unsettling energy for a lot of people but, perhaps, never more so than for an empath because we remember all too well, too personally, all the pain and destruction that can spin off from a mars-type situation.

So, I fear my own capacity to turn my strength and power to sarcasm, to wounding withering attacks and annihilation energy, the slam in the face. Like I sometimes turned on a particular friend, years ago when I was living with a narcissist, when to have sat her down and told her why she aggrieved me so would have been a kinder way to defend my boundaries, yet I hardly realised at the time that it was the way she mirrored my least favourable traits that got to me. And oh how the narcissist in my life used to love to encourage me in this. He would love to wind me up and set me in motion in the hateful direction he preferred, and I would do it at times when I was drunk enough or desperate enough to keep on side with him. As happened, once, with my childhood narcissist bully who, on one occasion only, induced me to pick on another girl with her; which I did out of fear of repercussions if I didn’t but oh how I destroyed myself with self-loathing afterwards.

These rare but memorable unconscious moments were to go contrary to myself and felt like the deepest abandonment of self as they negated the heart. I quite literally hated myself when I did this, and I didn’t need the lesson many times to ensure I have continued to fear what I could do to others with fury and hatefulness if I unleashed my full strength, and so I have hidden much of my power away, especially since I have become a parent, lest I hurt anyone. Including my husband.

How many times have I said to him that he doesn’t seem to like it when I get stronger, more forthright (like his ex wife), even the kind of strength that is called for to make a leap in recovery from all my health issues, yes, but not in a destructive way…but because forthrightness and strength are called for in that moment… yet sometimes he looks at me, then, like he doesn’t know me and the glint of fear in his eyes makes me recoil into shame and abandonment. Abort mission to revive strength, it only pushes people I love away. Like every month when my period happened, I would have this upsurge of the kind of power that would be so forthright and ready for anything, cutting through crap with determination and clear vision, yet it would cause unsettled energies in my family because who was this person; who was I, with so much drive and determination? The same during the full moon; my most manifest self would make the air crackle. Nobody knew this version of me, let alone myself. So I would turn that fire inward and it would make me hot and bothered, unable to settle or sleep well. Which is why these few days of the Red Planet’s approach has felt premenstrual to me…so much heat, so little sleep, so much fidget and like something is ready to burst out of me, break all my seams wide open…

So why are narcissists attracted to certain individuals, usually empathic, sensitive ones? Because we bury our mars-like qualities deep inside, lest we hurt anyone. Their fun is to try to despoil us, to prove we are only human after all and that we can be turned to our own destruction, cannot sustain our ivory tower overview long term but will inevitably succumb to deep-down-and-dirty at their bidding, if they toy with us for long enough, like a cat with a mouse. Their fun game is to dig it out to the surface, this Mars aspect we fear so very much; to induce us to reveal this energy and then unleash on ourselves all the self-destructive shame and remorse at having done so. They don’t have to do their own dirty work, they can play with getting us to destroy ourselves. But when we suddenly bring that strength up in a different way, as power of the most enlightened variety, they are flummoxed…as when my ex-narc stared at me in bewilderment one night, not long after I had instigated divorce proceedings and was radiating a new kind of power from every pore in my being, and uttered out loud “you’ve really found yourself” (it was one of the last things he ever said to me). Yes I had. I had re-found my Mars and reattached it, to who I really am. Top tip, reclaiming boundaries is an essential task in recovery from a narcissist and you’re going to need to summon that daunting Mars energy in order to do that.

How many of us empaths and sensitives detach from power for fear that power is wrong?? Because of the way we see it demonstrated in the messed-up world, we decide we want nothing to do with it…forgetting there is a choice how power can be used, that there is not only one way, the broken way, but another way that makes us more whole and connected with heart energy, and with each other. So, last night when Mars’ shining pink form (not nearly as scary as I had tended to imagined way back when…there is a theme forming around this topic) was clearly visible from my bedroom window, I shouted over “can we get onto a more healthy footing from now on, a more mature relationship please, let’s work together in the highest ways…” It must have been acknowledged as I had a far better night and feel quite renewed and determined this morning. Dare I say it, my strength is coming back.


For more on this transformation theme, read today’s Spaceweather bulletin to hear how some backyard viewers were also able to look Fear and Dread (Mars’ usually invisable satellites) in the eye last night…you couldn’t make this stuff up!

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development, Spirituality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Joy Activist

A disclaimer I always feel I would like to make when I write a post about my health or share my circumstances with people I know is “these are just externals, they are not really me or how I experience things”. In other words, I’m not defined by such stuff anymore or, in any real sense, wobbled on my internal axis, even by the most intense pain episodes as I have had recently; although that wasn’t always the case…believe me, I used to plunge into their deep end, hook line and sinker. This is something I have come to learn the slow and steady way, through personal effort, and I would love to convey the difference of view from where I am now because it’s something we could all use as external circumstances continue to wobble. Here’s my personal newsflash: yes, I live with chronic, often intense, pain and considerable physical limitation and have my share of other challenges and worries like everyone else but joy is still the most defining experience in my world; my life is brimful of joy because I look out for it.

If “joy” seems like a tactless word to use in 2020 or if this sounds like bumper sticker talk then I apologise but, paradoxically, its never been more obvious than this year, when oh-so many outside circumstances have come to try us all…and yes these things happen and can even seem quite chaotic at times, but I am not those circumstances, however much they may impact me, and they do not get to become me. Quite literally, they do not become me, as in, they do not suit who I am, in my frequency bandwidth or most authentic self. I don’t regard myself as a person in dire straits “in there”, and never have, not even when I have been, apparently, up to my ears in them, which has definitely been the case across the course of my fairly “interesting” life. I never made any of this into “who I am”, then or now and don’t identify with pain or any of the rest of it at that level of my being. Living in joy is far more important to me than all that.

I’m not in a state of joy all of the time, I grant you, but I aim to experience it at least a little every day and therein lies the strength of my practice…and it is a practice, because it leads to familiarity and a sense of reliability around the topic of joy. I have never been more aware that I reside within, and that stillness can be found there, come what may; so the rest is just a load of trappings to do with circumstance, which really helps on the way to activating joy, though there’s more to joy than just stillness…yet its a good start. Sure, some days dialling into that stillness is really hard, and so I get carried away on some drama or other; but generally not for long and I keep an eye on myself and how much I am indulging the deep-dive into “problems”. I stand for no nonsense in this regard and will laugh and coerce, even dance, myself out of the mire just as soon as I think it is getting too serious but, mostly, I will simply turn to my pursuit of joy as the non-negotiable priority to get me out of there…its by far the most effective method!

So, my bounce back factor has only got stronger over the last quite demanding decade and a half where, to identify with the challenges would have meant being swept off into a frenetic dance marathon with no pause for breath; one you fervently long to be over yet having no control over the kind of music playing or your ability to sit this one out. On the contrary, I remain wholeheartedly eager for life and having regular access to joy allows me to feel as though I have some control, way beyond externals. None of this is because I am special; its all down to the mindset I learned to adopt, when I was deep into my darkest hour, and it has served me so well ever since. So here’s the gift: the harder things get externally, the more motivated you can become to go after joy, if you at least get it back under your radar as an experiential option (so many people seem to forget it is even on the menu). It why people who recover from serious illness or make a comeback from the very brink are often the most joyful people on the planet; they don’t intend to waste anther moment on all that other stuff.

So, how do you encounter joy when all is going array, perhaps inside your body and all around you (and relentless physical pain and/or fear for the future can be an especially hard ones to tackle, I speak from experience)? There are various means but one of the most potent is to learn, and then remember as an oft repeated habit, how to activate your joy in your own particular way. Make note of the steps, then ingrain them into your routines.

First things first, how to recognise it and, remember, your joy won’t look like the next person’s. A BIG part of mine is to be creative, in numerous ways, from engaging with art and music to coming up with creative solutions or improvements, transforming things and even situations, and sharing big ideas in conversation; so yes, creativity is an exceptionally broad heading but I can identify how my joy resides in a lot of these creative places. It can also be found quite easily when I engage with nature, beauty, birds and birdsong, sunlight, flowers and gardens, and so on. When I put two or three of these together, for instance painting outdoors with birdsong or music, I am effortlessly there, even on days when gathering the initial motivation to set up my paints is like pulling teeth sometimes (and then I wonder what took me so long). Dancing is a massive source of joy to me and yet I denied myself this for the best part of two decades; not any more, it’s my daily practice….even when I hurt. A sign of whatever activates joy in your case could be that its “that thing” where you seem to loose all track of time, immersing fully. We each have our version of this; we just have to identify, then prioritise, it.

Next, you will have noticed I used that world “activate” when it comes to joy, as in, it doesn’t just happen. So, though you don’t have to be an artist or innovator to experience joy, creativity is frequently a guide to its door.

In other words, to experience joy, which I recommend you do as often as possible, you need to be an activist, as in, you have to work at activating it in the body. Not unlike some other qualities that can make quite the difference to life, for instance calm…you have to take steps to cultivate a state of calm or stress will keep on coming at you, nibbling at your edges…sometimes you have to stop expecting something to just flow right on in and make it happen by choice; and its never been more important!

So, you won’t just magically trip upon joy very often (it could happen but, really, you probably walked yourself right up to it though whatever choices you made; so give yourself some credit). We each create it, which is why creativity is such a natural lead-in to the creation of joy, and then joy itself becomes one massive force of creativity, generating creative outcomes as though they magically appear out of the ether. So, what I’m saying is, it becomes a self-regenerating thing, as soon as you take those initial steps to manifest joy in your life as an active daily practice.

As I said, my joy won’t look like your joy, we each have our version of it, which is why it is such a fundamental ingredient of self-actualisation; each one of us becoming that aspect of Source that we came here to be as we pursue what so uniquely draws us. So joy could be anything that keeps you bright, light, connected, in touch with your own life-force and emanating that out to others and, of course, the beauty is we always know it when its there because there is no mistaking the feeling of it, the way we light up inside and become very aware of how present we are in that moment. Achieving presence is both one of its gifts and a signpost that joy is close; and so there is great healing and spiritual progression to be found when we allow ourselves to immerse in our joy; we are, in a sense, doing the work we always thought was “out there” somewhere in the busy world by learning how to just be present in that moment, giving it our full attention. Whether its the joy of conversation or of putting your hands in the soil, you will know when its arrived and then you get even better at recognising thus creating more of it.

It can also help to write a list of things that bring you joy and then take steps to fit one or two of them in per day; but make time for that, don’t short-change joy or make it conditional upon getting other things done first. Then, when you schedule a time slot for it and make that happen, it helps reinforce your understanding that you brought this about, it was no mere accident, which strengthens your sense that you are the prime source of your own joy…which is important. Over time, this feeling accumulates to where you start to trust in yourself over and above dreading outside circumstances that may cause you to wobble.

To be clear, this isn’t that worldly thing “happiness” we are talking about here; this is Joy with a capital “J”, the straddler of realities, upholding cosmic law rather than subserved to manmade ones, which means that it blows raspberries at the idea of separation; so no one is ineligible. Often, people in the most dire straights, abject poverty, hardship, ill health etc are the ones who are most familiar with joy because they realise the importance of courting it, through whatever means, for instance music, whereas some of the most privileged in the world are the first to let it go.

So its unconditionality also means it can’t be compromised by externally challenging circumstance and this brings me back to my original point. Yes, it can be far harder to motivate yourself to create joy when those things “happen”, but if you can get past that small glitch and go after it anyway, as a daily habit with top priority, you are just as likely to create joy in a body that is in pain, for instance, as one that is perfectly fine since its a mindset to begin with; and then, the pain seems to back off, the more you activate that joy and demonstrate, day after day, that you are prioritising it. The body then comes to trust that, from now on, you won’t live so conditionally or let joy slip away again and so it can reliably look forward to experiencing more moments of joy, so then healing or other kinds of resolution can start to occur at ever deeper and more lasting levels. Imagine; if you are no longer dependent on outside circumstances being “just so” to experience joy, your dependency on broken systems and fools making rash decisions outside in the world, or even on diagnoses or levels of pain, is dramatically lessened, so it becomes more of an inside job to be joyfully alive in a physical experience, tailored to you.

You then also need to become the caretaker of your joy, by protecting your own boundaries and your daily requirement for joy, which is an important milestone that our newly reinvigorated appreciation of joy helps us to achieve. Which is why, when devoid of joy, we become such push-overs, allowing people and circumstances to walk all over us for all the difference it makes, but not now we have something to safeguard, meaning we are not so haphazard with out boundaries. So many people (and I was one of them for a very long time…) surrender their joy for others, often quite flippantly, as in they allow trivialities and selfishness to sweep in and chase their own joy away. This is a habit we can break out of…but, again, it takes practice. Sometimes we even need to get a little bit fierce about safeguarding our joy, which isn’t to say we get aggressive about it as such, but we rise up to our full size to say “No!” to whatever has come in to try and claim it away from us….whether this is a person or circumstance, or even information we don’t need to hear. We now think twice before letting it go again.

Then, the more you create joy, the more joy you will create, for yourself and others. This doesn’t even rely on creating the kind of joy that is visible to the outside world; it can be a deeply private joy-practice and yet it still ripples out to affect the energy field in which we all rub shoulders with each other, and it does make a huge difference. Those who are diligently creating joy this year, perhaps even more so than ever, in spite of the odds, are doing a massive service to all humankind and if you are one of them, please keep up the good work…the world needs you!

Because it was never more important that we all pulled together to hold the frequency of joy in place in this reality, to pump it out even more diligently as a bandwidth of experience, because there are forces and individuals at large that are quite determined to sweep it away. Yet the era that awaits on the other side of our effort is one that will be defined by the importance of joy; we just need to demonstrate we still know what it is and prioritise it, to stand up for it, to hold space for that new reality to birth. This is where joy activism is just as important as any other form of activism currently at large on the planet; there should be great pride in pursuing it and, of all the different kinds of activism you could take part in, this one most closely matches the frequency of New Earth because its foundation is in positivity and love, not opposition, separation or conflict. This is why, when we think of the forthcoming Age of Aquarius, we imagine radiantly joyful people as one of its most defining visuals; that cliché was really no joke.

So the more deeply we plunge into exploring what brings us personal joy and allowing that to manifest as often as we can, even if only for a moment or a few minutes here and there, the more we are actually doing for the collective; which is very contrary to what we have been led to believe…but then, surely, there has never been more cause to question what we have been told is “the case” than at this point in our history as so much is revealed to be sham. The old yet still presiding motivation has never been to generate more joy on this planet but to service far more materialistic outcomes for a small minority; so its down to each and every one of us to prioritise joy for ourselves, which is as it should be. This is exactly how joy is designed to be experienced, as an expression of individuality, the frequency of joy itself being the unifier that dials us all in to a top note of experience when we get there. Yet this is harmless individuation; never at another’s expense…and therein lies the difference, which is our bridge to a new era. We get to be who we uniquely are and, in the meantime, we meet in the territory of those upper notes, like a chorus of joyful beings making beautiful music together. Its why joy is so contagious; we all long to sing with it when we are in its company!

There is, of course, an alchemy to joy but don’t be put off by the word. A great deal of mystery has been garnered around the topic of alchemy for the longest time, as though only “special people” are capable of achieving it…but we are all our own wizards when it comes to mastering the alchemy of joy. Really, “all” it takes is the merging of the very essence of ourselves (even though that part of us is invisible to the naked eye) with some kind of solid three-dimensional material, to enable it to manifest a little more into the physical world. This could be the mixture of, say, inspiration and paint or words on a page…but it could just as easily be a vision for a garden or the new use of a room, a different way of structuring a venture, that inspires you to make some changes, or it could be having the insight to realise that the very deepest part of you would be healthier (as in, more “in form” or manifest within a healthier body) if it was enabled to sit quietly in a garden or in meditation once or twice a day. It could be the simple act of noticing or appreciating beauty, gentleness or the wonders of nature, even if you have to go looking for that on your computer screen once a day; which is to make conscious what might otherwise have been missed. When we pursue these “dreams” and bring them to life, we create the very alchemy that is joy as an everyday occurrence.

Some days won’t feel so conducive to this, of course; but as we get to recognise this truth about the effect of joy in our life, we learn to hone the way our days look. It might be slow or even a little arduous to start with, but this desire for more joy becomes a major motivational factor, once we allow joy in. Resonance is our helpmate; because if we follow the pathway towards the feeling we now equate with joy, the rest, as they say, will tend to fall into place. So joy itself becomes a signpost; and we can test this out by feeling into choices before we even make them, noticing which one offers a preview of joy, because we feel it even as we visualise the better feeling option. As out choices become healthier and more self-supportive, the outcomes we manifest lead us towards more joy than we previously knew was available and it becomes the hand that leads us towards a reinvented future, as I can vouch for as the experience of my last decade and a half. As we do this individually, you can see how we are also doing to together; taking a stand for joy as a priority in a world that also needs to heal from its apparent absence.

This is where the joy body, which is as real a part of us as the cellular flesh and bone, serves as a partner to our intuition, helping to land joy on the “ground” of our experience, so that it becomes more real than all that other stuff going on in the crazy circus of life. Thus our highest source of guidance is allowed to land “in form” and so this kind of navigational skill becomes in-form-ation of the highest kind, in a world where we hardly know what information to take seriously anymore. Becoming our own source of trusted information is another skillset that calls for our activation, since it won’t just land in our lap, but joy will surely get us more than half the way there. This is why spiritual practice in the New Era is, by definition, joyful…unlike religious practices of old, many of which upheld useful practices but they were so often more about the forming of habits and following of certain rules than making space for joy to come in. In this paradigm, joy itself is the good habit and everything else falls into place around it, as I have found for several years now. Yes, life still lumbers on with its issues and challenges but, at its core, there is still me as I recognise myself…and there is joy.

I keep mentioning this word “activation”, which (dictionary definition) means the action or process of making something active or operative or catalytically active; in other words, the one thing catalyses another to realise a state that it is already there in potential but which had become dormant or “forgotten about”. In a spiritual context, it can be used as an example on behalf of unity consciousness because, even as we do what we want to do, perhaps throughly focused on our own individualised pursuit of joy, we can still influence the field sufficiently to catalyse others. In other words, this is a feminine-masculine collaboration…effort goes only into being that which you innately are, which adds its contribution into the sum of all conscious beings on earth, which is a different approach to the soley masculine approach of wanting to drive a particular outcome or manipulate a conclusion, affecting others, that has been decided intellectually and which is often achieved by coercion or force. It’s worth pondering what activation looks like in our day-to-day experience because, just as we can activate things with our intentions, they can activate us out of the blue…for instance, art or music can often activate us more profoundly than we can explain. This is why, honestly, exploring new music and revisiting stockpiles of favourites is up there as one of the most powerfully joyful things in my life and no day would be complete without access to it since I, consciously, play music for the primary aim of catalysing giant peaks of goose-bump inducing joy, on demand.

I wanted to clarify that because I think one of the reasons music is such a powerful activator, along with visual and the performing arts and yes, these days, videos is that all of these touch us without needing any recourse to our intellect, sparking not only joy but deep understanding and moments of remembering who we really are, and all of this without any force or coercion. On that topic, I want to share this powerful video from Lee Harris for the track “All Who Walk the Earth” from his forthcoming album AWAKEN, featuring dancers from the Slovenian national ballet and with such stunning nature visuals, because it is just so on-topic here and with beautifully balanced masculine-feminine joy permeating every moment of it; surely, this is a depiction is how life on earth was meant to be before we faltered. Everything I have been speaking about here is to do with “making an effort” to remember what joy feels like…and this video must have triggered off such a deep activation of what joy looks and viscerally feels like that it reduced me to tears only seconds after starting to watch it, even though I am very familiar with Lee’s song. So, to finish, I invite you to enjoy this highly activating and quite stunningly beautiful video. We have so much we are ready to remember together…let’s open up wide to do just that.

Posted in Art, Consciousness & evolution, Health & wellbeing, Life choices, Life journey, Menu, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Dream therapist

I’ve never been particularly drawn to spoken therapies across all the years I’ve pursued various hands-on and energetic ones. Any useful dialogue that has taken place has tended to be with myself though, I admit, there have been times when energy healings have loosened my tongue, leading me to deeper understanding of places where my energy had got stuck over this and other lifetimes.

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Dr Judith Orloff “Emotional Freedom”

As for dreaming, I know there have been times in my life when I was able to plunge the deep pool and enjoy a rich dreamlife, rendering me all the more eager to return the next night for yet another dive into those bottomless waters (I mostly recall such sleep luxuriant times occurring during the longer school holidays, when I was unbothered enough by outside life to go there and let loose). As I said, those experiences tended to be in my younger days and would alternate with times when dreams became darker and more troubled or so spartan I felt more like I was erratically playing back fragments of the previous day’s events or even television programs or what other people had shared with me, rather than making sense of anything profound. Either way, I have never been a great rememberer of the “plot line” of dreams the next morning and this has only frustrated me all the more when I’ve heard about others’ propensity to dream epic, coherent experiences or make regular, helpful, use of their insight in their daily life. Most recently, I have either remembered very little from my dreams or come out with minuscule bits and pieces of remembrance, patched together with lasting feelings of confusion or even foreboding, but perhaps this simply bespoke how erratic my sleep patterns have become, as I know, from various forums I take part in and other conversations I have had, is the case for a lot of people this year. We all have a lot on our minds!

On that note, I want to add that, as an empath, I have become aware, over the years, how much the quality and content of my dreams is affected by proximity to other people and my propensity to tune into what they are dreaming instead of, or as well as, my own stuff. Point in case, when my daughter is at home, I often remember fragments of dream that are colourful, bewildering, or even quite disturbing and we later realise from conversation that we had almost the same dream in the same portion of the night; the bewildering factor being because I have dreamed fragments of her deep psyche and plotlines that have nothing to do with my own direct experience, being set in her own personal landscape. This has raised a lot of curiosity in me as to the role dreams play in telepathy and our individual contributions to unity consciousness or the quantum field.

If proximity whilst asleep is a factor then imagine how much more we cross pollinate, or pollute, each other’s dreams in, say, a hotel or block of apartments. I live in a house which is fairly tightly positioned to some old cottages next door, with yet another house just the width of a modest garden away. I really noticed, this year, how clear I felt when both sets of neighbours were away for the same week or so; not that I dreamed different content (since I wasn’t remembering) but that I woke without the pervading sense of feeling heavy or beset with worries I couldn’t place, as had been building for weeks beforehand. One night, completely unable to sleep as though my head was on fire, having had the briefest dream where my neighbour actually walked through my storyline as though passing casually through the room of my head, I got up and just stretched in the window frame to try and clear my head and noticed full lights on in my other neighbours’ house (it must have been 3am). My conclusion was that both sets of neighbours were either having disturbed / worried sleep or wide awake and I was caught in their sandwich, so when they were all away it was relative bliss to hit the pillow. Then, abruptly, the heavy feeling came back and, lo, the nearest neighbours had returned in the night. Is this really so far fetched given, when measured in feet, their heads must be pretty close to mine through the two sets of walls of our closely adjacent houses? I can certainly experience disturbed sleep when my husband has a lot on his mind to do with work, even when he seems to sleep like a baby.

Other environmental / energetic factors come into it. I have certainly been able to track differences in dream colourfulness or quantity / quality in line with patterns of the moon or solar cycles and, assuming I am able to stay asleep through such a thing, can experience much more powerful and activating or informative dreams when there is a solar storm in the night (as there was last night and the night before; we are headed that way for the next few years as the solar minimum is now at its end). I strongly suspect I will be able to work far better with, and remain more physically robust during, this coming solar cycle if my sleep patterns become healthier, so that I can lift-off on the cosmic energy currents during sleep rather than my over-tired body reacting as though they are a threat!

Recently, I began reading Dr Judith Orloff’s Book “Emotional Freedom” , having got so much out of her “Empath’s Survival Guide” and her “Second Sense” book, in which I recognised great portions of myself and my early-life experiences. From her own bio, Dr Orloff is “a psychiatrist, an empath and intuitive healer on the UCLA Psychiatric Clinical Faculty” who “synthesizes the pearls of traditional medicine with cutting edge knowledge of intuition, energy, and spirituality” and I am relating very much to her material. It was less of an active choice to read a book that is largely about how to use dreams as a potent life tool, than it was a continuation of my reading of all her various books that made me pick this one up and I had no idea it was going to be so dreams-oriented but, I have to say, I am starting to get a lot out of it, even to the point it is starting to feel like its having on an affect on dream coherence and my ability to recall them. Part of that could be down to the, perhaps obvious (but how many of us do it?), advice she offers to ask for whatever insight or information you want to gain from your dreams before you go to sleep which, more so than usual, I have been remembering to do.

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Dr Judith Orloff “Emotional Freedom”

However, reading this has also happened to coincide with the nights getting longer as autumn begins and with my purchasing a sleep spray that caught my attention for claiming incredible results for people fed up with poor quality or broken sleep. I had been going through a particularly lean patch and saw the advert when I was starting to become a little desperate to gain for myself some prolonged, quality sleep without the endless wake-ups that turn into rumination just before dawn.

This spray is a simple cocktail of three essential oils that I have used before – lavender, vetiver and chamomile – only it is in a formula designed to slow-release the aroma during the course of the night as you move around in the bed sheets. This, in theory, means that, just at the point I might normally rise to the surface just before dawn (my usual time), only to remain there for the rest of the unsettled night, I quickly receive a further olfactory dose as I turn over and go back to sleep again.

As with all such target-audience advertising, I remained cynical until the spray arrived but, by night two, both of us were commenting that it seemed to be working some magic. My husband, who normally gets up at least once to go to the bathroom (which then triggers off my sleeplessness, even after he has effortlessly gone back to sleep) was sleeping right through and so this was having a positive effect on me and I was getting past my “danger-zone” pre dawn patch where, if my mind got to thinking about anything, I would be lost to several hours rumination or forced to listen to music or audios to shut my mind off.

So this was the prime benefit of this new bedtime routine, but there came a second one and it was that I started to remember my dreams! Now, this couldn’t be better timing as I had just got to the part of Dr Orloffs book where she recommends starting a dream diary to write down, without overthinking or interpretation, what you remember of your dreams before you forget them. I have considered, or tried, this several times in my life, to varying degrees of seriousness and success but never got very far. My daughter even made me a beautiful dream diary for christmas one year but, partly because I was loath to spoil it with my half-asleep scribbles, it remained largely empty…or, I would reach for my usual notebook if something interesting came up, but fall into the trap of allowing my left brain in to interpret what I recalled before it had a chance to work its own magic.

Then there’s the timing involved because, if you don’t capture the dream straightaway before anyone talks at you, the light goes on and normal day time routines resume, you might as well not bother but I tend not to be very compos mentis first thing in the day so that seeing the page, through snowstorm blurred vision, or wielding a pen is the next tricky problem. As soon as I have to think through practicalities too hard or that lamp goes on (even a minuscule source of light, such as a book clip light)…as I know all too well from trying to capture my early morning blogging inspiration…the pure waft of inspiration tends to have flown out the window, like Tinkerbell, in a cloud of stardust. That just -after-awakening state, by the way, the one where I have milked so much inspiration for my writing over the years (on days when I have managed to tread carefully enough and avoid all the clatter of family life for just long enough to get something down) is called the hypnagogic state and its hallowed land for gathering profound insights. Its why we can wake suddenly in the night with such a deep understanding or the feeling that whatever earth shattering thing we just realised is so massive it will surely still be there for us in the morning; yet, by the time we get up and dressed, we haven’t got a clue what it was, its evaporated…quite untraceable by our usual logical steps of following the thought associations…which is why capturing the essence of your dreams, like holding a butterfly for a few moments, can be so powerful.

The hypnagogic state after a really good night’s sleep is one of my favourite things and such rich ground for profound inspiration that I am quite addicted to it; oh irony, since it can prove so elusive. Its also, I find, a natural pain reliever so perhaps no coincidence that, in the early years of chronic pain, I would milk it for all it was worth, making my way from bed to sofa to continue the state as long as possible (it also set in motion my spiritual awakening, connecting me back with the vast universe within, from which I had become so seperate) and perhaps, in hindsight, catching up on all the years it was stolen from my by an alarm going off!

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Dr Judith Orloff “Emotional Freedom”

Yet, somehow, I have managed to get down a handful of dreams since these slightly more robust dreams have been happening and, this is big for me, I have managed to remain the purist when I jot them down…as in, capturing the essence without diving straight into my own wordy interpretation except, perhaps, to jot down some one-word cues to do with first impressions with question marks at the end if I must. Above all, I have resisted all urges to “turn it into something”, such as a blog post, which has been a long running habit of several years but then the post takes over the authentic content of the dream and becomes something else entirely, geared for an external audience but not for inner enlightenment!

This “soft” process has allowed me to return to the dream and let its wisdom unfold hours or even days later, often continuing the following night(s) and it feels as though I am really getting somewhere, like taking a tour of my inner sanctum. Perhaps this being the ideal timing in my life (and the collective life) to take such a review is a factor, plus the start of an active solar cycle, the darker autumn mornings, a degree of quiet in my house that simply wasn’t there when we had children at home, the linen spray, the readiness of my psyche to unload…etc., all conspired together to allow these treasures up through the deep shaft of the well of me, in order to see daylight and where I can then use them to do healing work that feels like getting right to the core of some pretty meaty issues that sit there like ballast in my health state.

What has been surprising, so far, is just how existential some of the themes have been and I don’t mean about survival in times of famine, disaster or war or even century-old feminist themes but about social and emotional survival as someone who is cut from fairly different cloth to the mainstream type of human being. My dreams have repeatedly shown me scenarios where I felt forced to bury the very deepest and most profound kinds of frustration or even fury at having to be other than I really am in order to fit in and survive in this world. So far, the need to suppress or subserve unique qualities and gifts, to bury and hide them away, to become “what is expected” of me or deemed “normal” in order to avoid danger and loneliness, has been a repeatedly illuminated theme across different eras and settings across my dream life, but most potently in a childhood setting or with that feeling of being too small or dependent to have it any other way (school, family gatherings in childhood, adolescence or early adulthood trying to fit in with peers, etc and of course my first marriage), often situations where I felt heavily scrutinised and where one foot different would be to expose myself or flag some secret cue that I was not in conformance with everyone else. Familiar old storylines yet, what I find is that, inside, I was often stoutly defiant and nonconformist…..to start with…but then, of course, increasingly wounded or traumatised as adult scenarios such as trying to make a living or avoid loneliness came heavily into the mix. Of course, dreams can effortlessly mix these different time layers as though they are all simultaneous which, in a very real sense, they actually are…as the “us” that stands here today, carrying all those influences and wounds as who we have now become.

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Dr Judith Orloff “Emotional Freedom”

In recent days, I have located nuggets of pain, contraction or intense heat in my dreams associated with actual body parts that, via their dream context, go a long way to revealing how I have locked away an inner sanctum in which a part of me that is in excruciating emotional pain and, yes, fury prowls around still refusing to let daylight or anyone else in, and this tells me huge things about the state of my health. At some point, it had clearly had enough and retreated there full time whereas, once, it was an intermittent safe refuge from the fray; but while it remains in there, feeling like that, it means that there is a state of emotional barrage or bombardment being perpetuated, even when nothing of that sort is “happening” in my here and now. Of course, when your emotional state is under constant stress, your whole system burns out…so here’s the chronic thing behind that word “chronic” in all my descriptors. Getting a handle on this is the start of all change because its a reminder that all emotional reactions are a choice; all the way down to the very core or sourcepoint (initiating event) of those emotions…but it really helps to see where they are coming from, how did they originate, why are they so barricaded in.

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Dr Judith Orloff “Emotional Freedom”

The thing is, as I have touched upon in many other posts, when you do not conform to some societal idea of what “normal” is meant to look like, fitting in can become an existential challenge or even source of post traumatic stress for the course of your lifetime. Realising my Asperger’s traits, last year, and all the deep reading I did around that topic, shed a huge amount of light on how impacted I have been by that for the longest time. Realising I am simply wired differently to many other people, and not considered “the norm” by the prevailing culture, that these traits are valid and often a profound gift, but that saying so out loud still might not make me popular in certain quarters, was one hell of a breakthrough for me. It took some serious steering to avoid interpretations of neurodiversity that suggest it is in some way faulty and needs to be eradicated (but, from this, I could see that my instincts were right-on as a child…thus why I felt so protective of my traits and loathe to reveal them to anyone for fear of being excluded, labeled, written-off or mishandled; my best chance of survival, or so I thought, was to pretend to be other than how I was and bend over backwards to conform).

Some of the accounts I dived into from other women Apie’s (see my resources section above), many of whom had been unaware of the trait until well into adulthood as happened to me, helped unleash all kinds of new understandings to do with how I had struggled so much to dutifully become what others expected of me, tantamount to making a perfectly round peg grow corners to become a square, and yet I gave it my all, at the expense of huge portions of myself (which is what female Aspie’s tend to do much more than males, in order to fit in and please others, thus survive, given all their other gender-related challenges). Each time I did that, yet another part of myself became buried or traumatised by the self-betrayal that it felt like and, even though self-love has been my mantra for several years now, those original parts of me are still bent out of shape and curled up on themselves, hidden deep in places that haven’t seen daylight for many decades…because how do you even start?

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Dr Judith Orloff “Emotional Freedom”

You start in your dreams! It’s early days yet but I can already feel its potency. These nighttime dives are like walking into a good therapist’s office to settle onto the most comfortable couch, only this is no therapist I was ever likely to meet in this lifetime (except, maybe Judith Orloff, who is one, for the record…but in the UK, unlikely and, honestly, I suspect it would take someone with a personal experience of Asperger’s to truly relate). For the record, I looked into this kind of approach to adult autism but found only therapists geared at working with children, or with adults to help them “fit in better”, in order to cope with practical life; but what about not wanting to have to fit in any longer or deny my unique traits? What if that is the sticking point, the perpetual rebellion inside of me? What about, along with my deep introversion, my high-sensitivity, my empathy, my psychic abilities and all those other quirky traits that make me unique and a little bit “fringe”, absolutely NOT agreeing to bend and coerce and so-called normalise those traits (which isn’t possible anyway…) or make do any more but embracing and running with and exploring them to their fullest capacity, in a setting that I am able to vouch for being throughly safe, supportive and nurturing enough for me to do so?

And if the general world “out there” can’t provide that for me yet, can’t quite make space for me to thrive unless I force or distort myself into being a different way to what feels natural (and yes, there will come a time when those of us with differences to the popular majority are left some room to be thoroughly themselves on this planet, all the way through life from the moment they are born, not deemed “wrong”, just “different”, but we are still a way off that…), creating my own space is the only option and I am onto it. This is a space in which it is thoroughly OK for me to unpeel myself from the metal stake, at the centre of my being, to which I am apparently still clinging for dear life, whilst spitting fire and growling on a bad day, and just let myself go and be me, across all my layers. In my dreams, I am practicing just that!

Originally posted on Living Whole

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New synapses, old synapses

I’ve had a growing feeling all year long that the exercise in social distancing has been some sort of externalised manoeuvre of growing new synapses. The more the old haunts of my daily walks closed off, became inaccessible or had too many people suddenly launched into them, the more I discovered new places, often right beneath the very eyes of where I used to pass by but never noticed the subtle entrance to pathways into enchanted woods that have turned out to be new-favourite walks.

The process has continued, on and on, so that my so-called mundane daily life of several months’ worth of clipped wings now unfolds like the magical map of a newly radiant neurology, for I have seen what I previously didn’t pick-up on, right there in plain sight, which is what growing new synapses, pushing boundaries and learning new tricks is all about in the human consciousness. Its the very path of awakening I have diligently followed these last 15 years and yet, here, I had made it somehow more visible through what, on the surface, looked like months of frustration and mishap and mundane domestic lock-down.

And yet…the biggest growth was yet to come and came out of (paradoxically) the feeling that, just as soon as I was about to be set free, to broaden my horizons once again and stretch out cramped-up wings that have been out of use for so many months, a whole series of circumstances has brought me “snap” back home again, more so than ever. I won’t list all the circumstances; far too personal and unnecessary, but one is that my dog has suddenly become too frail in his back legs to get into my car (and is way too big to be lifted). So, just as my “awareness” neurology had ventured out into some wider new routes in close proximity to my home, now limbered up to grow them even further into places I have spent my at-home year plotting and planning to get to just as soon as I am able to make some lifestyle changes, I am suddenly forced to put all such plans on hold and walk so close to my home that it is like hugging to its sides…not what I wanted or expected.

However, it really wasn’t long until I could sense this was a classic case of you don’t always get what you want…but you get what you need…and this was it. Because in growing new routes away from ourselves, to explore and become wider, more broadly aware, than we were, we are still continuing (in many cases) the foible of our previously tight-locked lives in that we are avoiding the really really obvious and really really really close-up, right under our noses. Yes, the home that is us is the core of all the work we are here to do in this life and yet when we are always so focussed on self-growth that we, as it were, skip the homework, we are always…always…destined to be snapped back to ourselves at some point, to fill in those blanks before we can go any further.

What, after all, is so abhorrent about the Self, our own front doorstep, that we avert our eyes so studiously and would rather be almost anywhere else?

To be fair, I have almost (I said almost…) fallen back in love with my home this year, making it into the cosy nest it should always have been and giving it some (not all) of the attention it should always have had. You realise, I assume, that I speak not only of “my home” but My Home….as in, the inner part of me!

Regarding my bricks-and-mortar home, some of that attention has been a back-handed compliment because the intention and focus has been to “do it up” in order to sell and move elsewhere…as soon as feasibly possible. Yet, here is one of my lessons of recent days: the pulsating question, what is it that I have (still) been so studiously running away from all this time? Don’t I realise that what I have here is going to be, pretty much, what I have anywhere else if I don’t do the deep inner work, because I will simply cart all that very same energy with me to the new place and, before I know it, it will feel just the same. So, any hang-ups, any un addressed issues about “being home”, they will surely come with me too…

So, here I am, snapped back to the closest proximity to home that I’ve ever been in, since I have always had the getaway route of my car for my daily constitutionals…and the first few days were less than ideal; who knew so many odd-balls hung out in the nearby woods (actually, I did sort of guess, which is why I have tended to avoid them). Yet I’ve also gone deep into a state of “being” over doing, so that rather than rush around being discontented because, all the time, I am really plotting to be elsewhere, I have plunged deeply into the Indian summer of my garden, painting and meditating, surrendering to the unknown of an indistinct punchline or prospect up ahead (because my plans have had to become “what plans?”), allowing what is here and now to be enough. Then, and it feels directly related to how much I have surrendered to this, I have discovered new routes on my walks, different ways of walking the same, unexplored vistas, openings to pathways that previously eluded me…yes, even in this less than idyllic semi-urban location and even after almost 20 years here, thinking there were no pleasant surprises left. Indefatigable human spirit, we will always find a way to grow!

So, surely, that puts us back where we were to start with, obsessed with growth? Well no, not really, because when we come all the way back home and do the work we have been evading, the growth spurt that follows is more like a slingshot. It projects us way further than logic could ever have predicted, on pathways of light that impart far deeper understanding than any rationale so obviously grown from “the situation” can ever explain. How can being at home living a fairly tight routine, day after day, lead to such exponential growth? Because consciousness is that all-mysterious thing; never to be tackled the direct or bullyish way but always needing to be allowed to make the next step its own idea. Its as though to even get this close to our Self, we have to pretend we are otherwise distracted and actually leaving for far-flung places, only to suddenly turn around and slip back in the door to catch ourselves in the act of doing what we would be doing if no one was watching…and this is what my last few weeks have felt like. Its why our most powerful epiphanies tend to come to us in the shower or while meditating; so we could kick ourselves at not having some magic, waterproof, etheric keyboard on which we could jot them down word for word (no such luck…this entire blog just came to me in the shower and, I can tell you, the original version was wayyyyyy better). Our consciousness laughs a deep belly laugh every time…but, really, is always here for us, just as soon as we come home with less expectations, except to listen!

For me, that sudden requirement to spend more, not less, time at home (again…and even deeper than ever) has been like slipping back in the door and getting to witness what goes on when no one is at home, because it had looked as though I was already focused elsewhere and, suddenly, I was snapped back around to face my own inner sanctum at a time when it is neither shielded away nor putting on its public face. Like when you forget something and double back home and catch out the kids with their hands in the cookie jar or lounging on the sofa with their shoes on, though (of course) I am talking about my own deepest Self here; there were no cookies but I have noticed other foibles these past days. In that tender observance, getting to see the innermost workings of my psyche and the very root (or should I say route…) of all these urges to be elsewhere or keeping busy, I have projected forwards in leaps. It reminds me of all those posts I wrote a few years ago using the metaphor of capturing a butterfly…run around as you might, you can never really capture that butterfly (or, if you do, it is no longer the same thing you longed so much to possess) but if you remain very still, very aware and totally without expectation, it might deem to settle on you for just a moment or two, from time to time.

Interestingly, that very thing has happened to me a great deal this summer, in my garden…that and birds coming up very, very close…and these things tell me far more about my achievements for the year than any far-flung projects to be very far from home or otherwise ambitious. Those things will come my way, more than ever, I have no doubt…but also more on-target than ever…for having taken this pause to conduct so much inner enquiry and my patience has had the work-out of my life these months (which, never having been my strong suit, is a powerful thing). Human beings have become so over-eager to be back “out there” in the world, seeking the next thrill; when do they ever, by choice, spend time at home in quiet or alone to conduct inner enquiry or get to know themselves as distinct beings? Even those who see the risks of ingrained or sedentary habits and addictions put so much focus on growing new synapses, venturing out of our old ways to develop new ones, but when we come back close to the original bough, first (before we venture out), we are often so much stronger for it in the long run. So we check its sturdiness, which way does it grow, what motivates it in that direction, does it head towards the light or is it simply vying for space and, if so, what can be done about putting it more at ease without so much underlying sense of hard competition or lack (how many of us have that fuelling our every motivation)…and then, from that core bough re-examined and newly familiarised, we grow the new-sturdy neurology to support even more highly evolved and adventurous ways. So, come back to the homework first…which, to one degree or another, so many of us have been forced to do this year…and we grow stronger together, like so many sturdy trees, in whatever new growth spurt manifests as the next iteration of life on earth.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Life journey, Meditation, Menu, metaphor, Personal Development, Spirituality, Symbolic journeys | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Out of the spin cycle

I was doing some dusting the other day, reaching up high to the top of a book shelf when I noticed a long-legged spider hanging on a fine thread of web in the corner of the ceiling, spinning and spinning and spinning so fast, like it was caught up in its own personal tornado. The room was very still and I was really much more than an arm’s length away but some updraught I had caused with my duster must have set it in motion and so it continued like that, on unstoppable momentum, for quite some minutes…poor thing, I hoped he enjoyed the exhilerating ride and wasn’t too traumatised.

Life is like that…as some people are just starting to notice, more than they ever did. No one is an island, so they get affected by some draught or disturbance, often something much more than an arms length away (which defies all their logic but it has never been more apparent how interconnected we all are), and so they start spinning and spinning, out of control, then its as though they can hardly stop….where is the brake, the anchor, the steadying force? Once in that cycle, it can feel very hard to get off the ride.

Thank goodness for all the inner stillness I have spent the past decade or so cultivating; the only way I could even begin to cope with my down spiralling health, now the gift hidden inside all those often alarming experiences I continue to have via my body. I never deny the pain, I am fully acknowledging of it, without the need to fixate on it, yet I have learned to hold centre through thick and very thin. Not that I’m immune to getting into a spin…far from it (I had one almost take me over today)…but I recognise the signs and I step away or swiftly take measures to restore my inner harmony and am reasonably am good at it, knowing from painful experience the number one importance of self-nurturance as the start-point of everything I might ever feel I have to handle “out there”. So I have my toolbox of ways to shepherd myself home and I use it well; which was the topic of a post I drafted, but chose not to publish, last week following quite the spin cycle the week before…

Because, in recent weeks, I’ve written half a dozen posts on a range of different topics (I am, after all, an almost compulsive writer) and yet none of them have made it “out” into my blog. After the pause to let the mud settle, which I now ensure I take before impulse publishing anything (even, or especially, when inspiration strikes quickly and compellingly), each one of them has felt unnecessary or best left unshared, when all is said and done; because how can I presume to push out topics of relative trivia when people are dealing with so much. Those unshared posts often recounted some “spin” I had recently been in and how I had got myself out of it but who needs to hear about my spinning when we are all doing our own version of it and, more than that, why do I want to re-energise that spin by gaining it an audience and other people’s take on it, just as I managed to slow it down and defuse it? This is what we do, when we keep going over something that has already “been and gone”; stoking it back to life with our recounting of events. Its a mind-trap I should know to avoid; an old-world trait. Perhaps we will take less microanalysis into the new, respecting much more the power we wield to keep alive thought-forms with our endless cerebral machinations.

So yes often, in hindsight, what I wrote on such a tidal wave of writing impulse felt superfluous and overly personal when I read it through; very-much worth writing for my own processing of it (yes) but not necessarily worth the sharing when its nothing anyone is going to truly relate to as I do. In any case, it’s as though I have had a complete rethink about “relatability” lately and become quite jaded with its usefulness because where does it really get us except into more huddles of entrenched ideas, artificially reinforced by the illusion of passing consensus. I also sense people have never been less interested in other people’s affairs than right now and perhaps that’s a collective shift we need to go through, post the era of “share every minutest thing” that has been the compunction of the age of social media. Words…too many words…I’ve felt a real pull-back from adding more words to the pile; perhaps the world doesn’t need to hear any more of our own personal take on things right now amidst all the racket of external reactions going on. Perhaps it’s a time for attentive silence and inner stillness more so than opinion…just perhaps.

Instead, I’ve found my happy place, as ever (though more so than I had managed to surrender to it for the past four years of overthinking my approach!) doing my painting, setting aside at least a couple of hours per day to loose myself in painting gardens that I bring to life with my brushes and my own particular take on the marriage of form with something more ethereal. As ever I did, I find myself wondering why I ever stopped…because, in that place of full immersion into a world of colour and tone, composition and light adjustment, I effortlessly reach a place of such inner harmony, mind-silence and peace that its as though a well of love springs up in me and over spills my edges; and then the world around me takes on a different hue. The feeling, which is like no other I have ever achieved through other means, including meditation (though I have restarted a daily practice of that too…), can carry me for hours and hours and then, the next day, I do some more. It’s how I navigated the darkest years of my life and is how I know best to navigate these somewhat trying times; my only foible being the tendency to think that it’s somehow selfish or “not contributing enough” to the reconciliation of mayhem to loose myself in art.

Why do I still give any heed to these out-moded thoughts of a crazed masculinity indoctrinated into my own psyche, which I would do my very best to quash in anyone else that expressed them?? The very calibre of feeling I get to when I paint should be enough to sign-post the way, according to my own best understanding of divine purpose…and shut down forever the ever critical voice that dares to call it time wasting!

Perhaps this kind of “doing” (which is really a lot more about “being”, for all there is a manifest product at the end of it) is much more than enough for now; my specialist contribution to “the world” in its spin, as I hold a place of harmony and stillness, manifesting it through the channel of my brushes.

So, I’m not going to suggest that this exact thing is for you (we each have our way of holding centre) or that we should all do likewise…I simply share what I know from direct experience; no agenda, no solution, no recommendation, just a fragment of how I am coping, to hold space for those who might relate yet hesitate to pursue their own version of what I describe. If it is there calling to you…a hobby, a passion, a craft or a spiritual practice…consider letting it come forwards and become more real for you than ever; allow it to arise without guilt or pressure or inner/outer criticism and then notice how it transforms “spinning out of control”, at the say-so of all the chaotic currents presently at large in the world, into a degree of calm and clarity that cannot so easily be shaken. When you get there, you will probably want to stay there more than do anything else and so you will get even more accomplished at this; perhaps many of us will, all in good time. Its not avoiding what is happening out in the world but our unique way of contributing as we help hold things steady, empaths and sensitives especially. With perfect timing, I read this description just now: “Little by little, crawl back to your center, your heart…not spiritual bypassing real emotions but feeling the pain and then practicing warrior centering techniques to rise up like the Phoenix so you may be in your power and in true service to our times” (Dr Judith Orloff) and that’s exactly it. We are not weak when we do this thing but being the “badass” warriors of a different kind that the world needs more than it knows.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Health & wellbeing, Life choices, Menu, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

How to make more practical use of intuition

There seems to be a growing curiosity around intuition this year, one of many not so subtle clues to me that the world is waking up beyond the manifest, logical, left-brained dominance that has reigned supreme for so long. In one of the online forums I take part in, someone who is a lawyer and, in her own description, predominantly left-brained was asking how she could develop her intuitive skills more and “bring them online” in a useful way and I found myself responding, from my own experiences, without even having to even pause for thought (that’s intuition for you).

So, I thought it  might be worth sharing here what I said, expanded somewhat (even though its been the core assumption of my blog, for many years, that I am writing, predominantly, as an intuitive or someone who takes thorough stock of their intuitive responses to life…but then anyone coming to this blog anew won’t necessarily know that or how distinct this is to a more logic-driven approach). The time is now ripe for more affirmative discussion around why intuition is just so useful and important to all of us, regardless of “career” or other practical standpoint. This trait desperately needs to get “normalised” and brought back into the conversation in a way that prevents its mere mention from being treated as far too “woo-woo” to take seriously and without foundation or proper substance, because we really need this other 50% of our skillset as balanced human beings endeavouring to navigate these tricky times (and when our logic clearly doesn’t hold all the answers).

For me, my intuition stepped in after I had a complete burn out and health crash 14 years ago and, forced to completely stop work, with no forward plan, for the first time in my life, I picked up paints and just let go…no expectations, no agenda, I was doing it as a sort of outlet or distraction to take me “out” of my pain and overwhelm. Not only did this open up the intuitive, non-logic or linearity-serving, part of me (which I had almost completely shut down due to being a highly sensitive, empathic child in circumstances that didn’t often nurture that, followed by a series of traumas and abuse experienced as an adult) but I also found my intuitive voice started talking to me during these long painting sessions which, by then, had become my lifeline. This led to me writing down some thoughts, almost daily (leading to private journalling and, ultimately, public blogging) as well as becoming a professional artist for well over a decade now. The latter was a complete change of career but that label is not really “why” I do it since it is, mostly, a deeply personal intuitive practice required to keep me in balance, and because it brings me great joy to play with the territory of mingling intuition with something more manifest and creative. My artworks often “speak to me” in layers of deeply metaphorical information, not only during the painting process but, typically, many months later, which is why I am seldom quick to part with them, since they often hold messages sent straight from my intuitive guidance.

There’s a great podcast interview of intuitive teacher Lee Harris by Regina Meredith which has some highly accessible advice on how to access and develop these intuitive skills and what that might look like as intuition takes more of an active role in your life. Exactly as Lee describes in the interview, the more my intuition seemed to deliver good advice to me…far better advice than any of the mainstream sources of information I initially turned to in order to try and figure a way out my bewildering health-crash…the more I came to trust it and the rest, as they say is history. So, yes, coming to trust our intuition is a big part of opening the skillset. Perhaps that is why it so often takes a health or some other kind of “crash” to open it up since, by then, we are far more willing to entertain alternative sources of guidance than at times in our lives when we feel we have all our plates spinning.

I am still fascinated by things like cutting edge science and technology, being the kind of person who is just so curious about everything, and I try to stay grounded (very much work in progress…) but my intuitive life is now more real and engaging to me than what presents in 3D, which has been a major life-altering switch around, bringing many beautiful upgrades in its wake. Put simply, I now “see” life through a very different lens, one where beautiful synchronicities take me off on fascinating journeys of interconnectedness. I feel internally informed and empowered by my intuitive connection with source energy (which we all have) rather than relying so utterly on all those other sources of external information that have so many people in a tail spin right now. So, journalling, painting, creating (without high expectations or goals) can be an access point to this source of information since its akin to saying “surprise me, take me where my logical brain can’t even pretend to have all the answers”. Or we can get to it by picking up a pen and some paper and asking a question that Lee always suggests, “what does my soul want me to know today?” then jotting down the very first words that come to us…and then practice that, often.

After that, the process, such as there is one, is to let go, start to trust, develop a rapport, learn the tone and flavour of that particular “voice” compared to other information (top tip: our intuition is never nasty or dark and is often fairly to-the-point and concise). With practice, it all starts to get easier, stronger, more familiar and fluent, our responses coming in within seconds, even when we are in a busy or noisy environment, rather than having to prime ourselves with a quiet spot and enough time to dial in. Or, really what happens is, our preparedness to listen to our intuition becomes more confident and much quicker off the mark, since the information was always there before; but now we are geared to notice and respond to it. So, someone asks us if we want to do something and we feel the uncomfortable feeling in our body that tells us its simply not for us; there is our answer and there is simply no need to go through the long process of accepting, then regretting and, only then, after too-ing and fro-ing with our internal arguments “for and against”, trying to dig ourselves out of it with some sort of excuse.

What can be so noticeable about when intuition takes a seat at the wheel is that things no longer continue along the same-old predictable course. I would never have ever guessed I would be an artist 15 years ago, hailing as I do from a family of scientists, teachers and engineers, and had been running my own “left-brained” businesses for years, followed by working in a solicitor’s firm at the time I had my burnout. The interesting thing is that it was in a hypnotherapy session that I had, right after my health crashed and shortly after leaving work in the solicitor’s firm, that I clearly “saw” myself walk into a gallery and deliver some paintings to a smiling gallery owner when asked to visualise my perfect day…my intuition talking to me…but how odd did that vision sound to me at the time. I wasn’t an artist at that point but was simply trying to work out how to get better and go back to a left-brained job, in fact thinking about starting a new business that would (in hindsight) have led to a whole lot more stress. The very idea of pursing art would have sounded ludicrous to me at the time as the means and practical considerations simply weren’t there, though they later fell into place, and its not as though I left the hypnotherapy session with any intention to pursue it, though I found it all mildly amusing. It was two years later, when (following a flukey encounter with the owner) I happened to have some of my fledgeling art on display in the very gallery I had visualised in that hypnotherapy session, that I was hit with the sudden flash of realisation that what I had foreseen so clearly under hypnosis had just come true, down to the very letter, my art hanging on the very wall I had envisioned it on next to the gallery window…and that, needless to say, was a major breakthrough in trusting my intuition. So, hypnotherapy can be a useful tool in the early stages as it can open you up to the process, but I don’t feel I need a mediator now I have a direct line and that goes for all of us; we all have the same access waiting to be developed.

Going back to the forum discussion on this topic, someone asked why the sharp split between left and right hemispheres; why do people always feel that one hemisphere has “taken over” and must now be ditched in favour of the other and why can’t they work together. I wholeheartedly agree! I have an extremely balanced brain and my strengths at school showed this off to a tee, making it very hard for me to decide what to choose as a life path (the real sticking point here is that we are conditioned to think we even need to make a choice, and so very early on in life). That other pitfall, intuitive skills are not given the same weight or currency as left-brained intellectual ones, are they? Certainly not in my school or family so, of course, we are encouraged to drop the “nonsense” and stick to the hard-nosed “empirical” or risk getting left behind or ridiculed. The truth is, I love art and philosophy, equally love science, knowledge and all things in between, using them fluidly and collaboratively, weaving freely between them all; which stance underpins many of my blog topics, particularly those engaged with the theme of how the masculine and feminine are capable of coming together in a much more harmonious format, leading to a whole new degree of cohesiveness, sacred trust and higher potential. The more I realised this potential “marriage” of traits within myself, taking active steps to develop it, the more whole I became and it is an attitude that has powerfully informed my healing journey as I am always prepared to entertain the best of what both the allopathic and energetic healing modalities have to offer and merge them!

Dancing is great for developing this left-and-right brained “marriage”. When I first started this I could tell, right away, where my strengths and weaknesses lay (just as when I first started to practice drawing or painting with both hands) but those imbalances have now ironed out with regular practice. Using digital methods in my art practice has also furthered the process of mingling left and right hemispheric skillsets, after years of being a painter (which is a much more dominantly right-brain occupation…unless I plan and process and perfect my techniques and subjects to a very fine degree). I now love this new way of approaching my art practice, using computer technology, as a way of intermingling intuition with a more left-brained approach, but I still sometimes long to dive into the relative unpredictabilities of a canvas, the same way as I dive into meditation or dancing in the middle of the day, activities my younger self would never have made room for in their busy and hyper-controlled life. These are all powerful tools for getting to explore your intuition; dowsing is another one but, really, the fullest and most practical integration of intuition can be developed within every day life, simply through becoming aware of the way both skillsets are perfectly complimentary, not at war with one another, and by keeping an “ear” out for the language that intuition will tend to use…subtle feelings in the body, synchronicities, numerical and other patterns, etc. Out of those, the way you feel about something is the most useful and accessible clue of all.

So, does this thing you are considering or paying attention to feel light, liberating, even joyful or does it feel dense, heavy, leaden? There is your clear, intuitive, message right in front of your “eyes” and so simplistic that most people will readily ignore it, to their detriment. Please, forget what they entrained us to pay exclusive attention to for all those years we were schooled into being slaves to one half of our brain: these feelings in our body do not let us down, they speak truth, shining a light on our own personal “best way” forwards, even (perhaps, especially) if the answer is unexpected or the practicalities of it do not, yet, seem to add up (but give them a chance and life may surprise you up ahead, as has happened to me numerous times now)! As experiences arise, learning to listen to our body’s responses, when we are considering a choice of direction or area of focus, even by saying all our options out loud in a de facto voice (as though the decision has already been made) and then noticing “how does this make me feel?”, can get us used to noticing how intuition has something important to say in our lives…and all that remains is to listen to it more often!

Posted in Art, Art purpose, Art transformation tool, Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Life choices, Menu, Painting, Personal Development, Spirituality, Writing | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

We’re not going “back”, whatever they say

There’s a growing pool of ideas amassing in the collective field to do with “going back”…made up of the thoughts and emotions of all those people who think that we are (or need to be) going back to the way things were before covid; who, maybe, even quite vehemently want to go back, who even think their mental health, their income or their safety relies on it, and equally those who dread it, fear it, feel apathetic or hopeless at the very thought of turning the clocks back to just how stuck everything felt before. Because, as some of us are noticing, this year has witnessed a massive evolution in human consciousness and a huge expansion of three-dimensional awareness of “what’s going on” behind the scenes, much of which used to be tucked well out of sight but is now like a fully-exposed black comedy. People are now questioning everything and we haven’t seen the half of it yet…which then rouses even more fear and longing to go back to how things were before for those who think they feel far safer living in the status quo.

In other words, there’s a whole range of takes on this one single idea…”going back”…gathering out there in the fourth dimension and some of these will, inevitably, try to assert their sway into manifest 3D during these times of upheaval; the key being to hold onto the higher 5D perspective of how this can all…if we allow it…come back together in a far more coherent form of “wholeness” (yes, “inclusiveness” not to mention “fairness” and “transparency” and “balance”…all those things and more) than ever before. If we give it time, plus courage, plus energy, plus our highest visualisations of what is possible instead of accepting some half-baked compromise as the long-range plan, we can move into the new potential that is right at the opposite end of the see-saw to the tight little idea of returning to what feels “tried and tested”, “convenient”, “familiar” from before, yet which was also so patently “broken”, “unfair”and increasingly “obsolete”.

However, while there is uncertainty or even panic at large around this topic, some individual or bodies of people will even try to insist that we go back, that we must go back, for normalcy to resume, to establish a steady footing and to continue along some sort of linear path that they always thought was “alright”, or at least the best we could hope for in this life, before all the disruption happened. With all the full weight of their belief systems, such people really believe that things will return to the way they were before and that we will just continue as before, like we might have done after a far less global or far-reaching, universally-affecting crisis. They overlook that when we are all shaken up together, our undeniable connectivity is fully-exposed, thus we discover we share far more of our consciousness and our circumstances with everyone else than we tend to even think about for even a second in our “normal” blinkered lives; so we can’t go scurrying back to our comfortable bolt-holes and resume as though the world is all OK as long as “I” am doing alright. Believe it or not, through this crisis, we are getting somewhat closer than before to not feeling right at all while there is upheaval happening to others, which is the typical world of the sensitive person made more accessible, even unavoidable, to a lot more people; which is why so many people are feeling as though they have reached their limit. They can’t just pull the shutters down and pretend that’s not happening any more; even if they reinstate their old work routines as a distraction (which is the purpose such routines serve to a lot of people). Once our awareness starts to expand beyond such routines, there is no reeling it back in!

So, I think it must be clear by now, to anyone that is not locked up in fear-based denial, that we are not going back, we can’t go back to the way things were, even when it looks as though we are. Things have been irreversibly changed and we are on a different timeline, like it or not.

Equal to those in panic or denial, there are a growing number who, as shocking as covid has been, realise that we needed this pause, this collective shake-up and mass-questioning of what we are doing and why. Those who realise that far too much has been shaken loose, exposed, disillusioned, reinvented, even reinvigorated by this unprecedented facility for almost everyone to have just STOPPED their normal regimes for so long, which has stirred up enough new perspectives to keep us busily reinventing ourselves for a very long time to come. Going back isn’t an option…not even close…after such a rude awakening; everything is now up for questioning and the illusion that we are going to just slot back to old routines is just that…an illusion, a nervous habit, like a hand grabbing onto the familiar, while it still can.

So, with all this investment of what are some very diverse and contradictory feelings at large, it stirs up a whole range of emotions when people are summoned back to their old lives, their jobs, their desks, regardless of how different they are now feeling….some feeling like completely different people, I am hearing and noticing, to who they were a few months ago. We are all profoundly altered by this year’s events, in ways large and small but perhaps its the synchronicity of just so many people undergoing alteration at once that gives it such tidal-wave power; plus, there is a whole generation of kids and young adults who will be impacted by the interruption of their former lives and their social contact with one another, the emotional toll of that, for the rest of their lives.

As a semblance of normality seems to assert, some must feel relief, a sense that their familiar has been reinstated after some deeply unsettling months. Others would give their eye-teeth for such a return, desperate for some stability and income-flow if their circumstances have taken a hit. Yet perhaps when those who have a job waiting for them do get “back to work” in the old sense, and then they see how things have had to drastically change around routines of social distance and cleanliness, options they have left for spending their breaks, how relatively little social engagement they now get out of the work environment, how much is now off-limits and also, for many, the inevitable comparison with how much more relaxed they noticed they felt when they were able to perform these very same roles from the comfort of their home for all those months, they will realise that this version of “back” isn’t quite what they were expecting or really wanting. I suspect, many are now questioning their long-range career plans and rethinking their work-to-leisure ratios and lifetime priorities in a far more proactive way than would have happened without these circumstances catalysing them; and I know of quite a few that are. Some have been woken up from the old grind for long enough to smell the roses this year; and that’s not a scent easily forgotten!

For many, especially those who had started to allow themselves to dream of increased flexibility, more outside time when it came to daily exercise, in fact far better fitness regimes full-stop, plus more contact and engagement with their families, less time spent behind a wheel or on public transport, far less office bugs to catch, migraines, technology burnout or seasonal affective disorder symptoms, no more limp sandwiches or compensatory snacking from a vendor machine, no longer having to see overbearing bosses and colleagues “in the flesh” and, for introverts and empaths, the blessed relief from having to mingle and collaborate with other people every-single-day, the shine will very quickly wear off. There’s been a sort of collective madness, and extroversion take-over, around what work should look like for far too long and I will never forget my abject disillusionment when the harsh realities of it hit me in the face at the tender age of 21 (I had my first bout of stress-related burnout within that first year), in which circumstance I know I am far from alone; many of us have felt imprisoned and tortured by our work-lives for decades. Yet, until now, the world has soldiered on that way regardless and we have been marched along, from the earliest days of our schooling, to the tune of “greater productivity” and a fistful of other ideas that took over with the industrial revolution. For a very long time, we have all been regarded as units of productivity more so than individualised human souls but this is on the verge of changing now, at last; because it must.

My husband has been summoned back to “the office” for, thankfully only, two days a week, quite suddenly this week (when we thought this had been avoided, especially given that I continue to lead a highly sheltered life because of my preexisting health issues) but there it is…he is suddenly called back in, no discussions to be had. Yet there seems to be no solid grounding for the decision of it, except a trivial matter of someone “needing” to be there for the post on Monday mornings (post that could so easily get diverted). It feels more like an emotional decision or a knee-jerk thing; based on a naive belief that if only things could be enacted as though the clocks had been wound back to pre-February, others in that office would start to feel better (irony being that he himself has never been happier than during these months working from home). I suspect its also due to the deeply ingrained belief system that work, necessarily, “has” to take place in “an office”; that this is the only way that humans are truly capable of being productive; which, of course, has been proven to be nonsense in such a lot of cases this year.

This is a faulty but previously dominant “masculine” belief that will only ever go kicking and screaming to its demise, even though more than half the world must have been disillusioned of its truth in recent months. Its one I first took on three decades ago, when I first set up my own innovative (at the time) business offering a whole range of business support services from home; a concept that was met with such deep suspicion by the majority of larger businesses that I appealed to, and which could have greatly benefited from what I had to offer (logistically and financially), even though I was often praised for the high standards I delivered to those prepared to give me a try. This meant that my work was often unpredictable, scanty and hard to come by, or they would try to wheedle from me the same kind of terms as an employee, without the salary or benefits (such as expecting 9 to 5 and wanting me to come into their office, which I would then succumb to when times were especially hard as they had me over a barrel, especially when I became a single parent). Something always seemed to bother the people that I worked for about the fact that they didn’t get to stand over my desk and watch me do the work that I invoiced for, which made it an uphill battle for the 12 gruelling years that I endeavoured to make the concept work. Control-freakishness, and lack of trust, on the part of managers was a big part of it and that seems to continue today. I always imagined that, by 2020, we would all have moved a lot further into the territory of home-based working practices than we have but I guess it has taken a pandemic to shake up the foundations of the old “establishment” and its fixed ideas.

So, it seems to be more on a “matter of principle” than any sound reasoning that my husband is called back in; the kind of principle that seems to emanate from some dusty old rule book of what so-called normalcy should look like and which, for now, wishes to reassert itself. After all, this is the way things always are when some tender new beginning is starting to take root and assert itself…the old ways will always rise up and become more dogmatic, more bullish, much more self-righteous and far less open to reason or discussion, at least for a while; which is where we are at now, across the board of life.

In fact, many people will feel all at sea without such principles to grip onto, even through recent months have highlighted just how empty so many of them are.

In our case, the reality is that the last few months have demonstrated that my husband can more than amply conduct all aspects of his business from home; perhaps even better than before, without the need to push through congested early morning traffic or even change locations when he is in the flow with his work. Its a fact (not unimportant) that he has found that he enjoys it all so much more when he works this way, which feels more creative, much more inspired, yes more “feminine” in that it most closely resembles water moving with ease around stones on the river bed, not rigid and crashing head-on into obstacles as before. This has given a timely boost to his work morale, which might otherwise be lacking as he approaches the end of his second decade in the same profession. Those very same tasks which often used to feel heavy and irksome have taken on an all-new organic quality; now, far less hemmed-in by ritual and formality, which has led to new inventiveness and certainly an increase of level of “vibe” when dealing with clients, who seem to love having Teams meetings without having to leave their homes and the ability to schedule chats at relatively short notice (and with far less pomp and circumstance than arranging a be-suited appointment). It’s enabled him to go much deeper into the service aspect of what he does, “helping people”, which is what he really loves (in fact, he completed a two-week training course to expand that very skillset during the lockdown period). Everyone’s mood is on the up when he works like this, in the spirit of win-win (which is surely one of the foundation stones of our brave new world) and, though he puts in the same hours, sometimes more due to having no travel requirements and because its easier now to stay at his desk until a task is done, he is also less tired, certainly less restless or prone to tossing and turning at nights. More relaxed clothing, or the ability to enjoy lunch breaks with a loved one, instead of pacing around alone in the streets of some town, can also do that to a person; and the long-range effects of such shifts in behaviour, on our health, can’t be underestimated…you could simply call it “enhanced quality of life”. All in, he felt like he had found his working Nirvana and there was no reason for it not to continue on a full-time basis.

But, today, he has had to put on trousers for the first time in months, leave in all the traffic and march into “the office”, to walk straight over to his own secluded corner office at the far end of that space and resume what he could have started almost an hour earlier if he had stayed here. He will consume the drinks and snacks he has prepared at home to avoid the kitchen…avoid all the communal areas….speak to his colleague probably far less than if they had had one of their Teams meetings…pack up his things and come home again. And repeat: two times per week. Along with all the inherent stress of commuting in perpetually heavy traffic, avoiding contact with people, transporting food, wearing masks, washing hands, using up petrol that (for five months) we were able to completely scrub from our budget, polluting the planet, adding wear and tear to his car…the list goes on. There will be no face-to-face meetings and, at best, shout conversations between doorways as each employee is to keep to their space and, to protect me, he certainly will be doing; so the exercise is pointless and yet it has been requested in the name of “normalcy”.

We’ve both had a range of emotions go though us since this came up; frustration, incredulity, disbelief, sadness, anger, yes temporary loss of equilibrium and joy and a sense of having lost the ability to steer our own ship after months of feeling uniquely in the driver’s seat, but we’re taking the observer position as best we can and mostly noticing how it makes us feel stronger in our intention to pursue our envisioned work-life balance up ahead. We’ve tried to remain non-judgemental and hold space for deeper understanding of motives, leaving room for other people’s unknown perspectives, which may be far different to our own or fuelled by fears we have no knowledge of, since we are all going through our own particular version of upheaval right now, which has a habit of throwing our “woundedness” to the surface. These times, even with all their inherent frustrations and set-backs, have only made us all so much stronger and much more authentically “who we truly are” than we were a few months back and we all get to see that, when we pull back to take stock…which some may not have had the opportunity or space, or even the nerve, to do as yet and so they resort to keeping busy, in the old ways. There has been next to no room for faking what we are each “about” under such pressure as we have collectively had for months; we have been forced against the mirror glass like never before and we will all take a good hard look at that when we get the right moment to do so in our individualised lives; so, I expect the next two to three years to be quite interesting as potentially more and more people get real and shrug off ancient habits, old ideas and numerous distractions. For now, we may have to do what we have to do to get by but, for us, we have seen what we are about and there is no thought of surrendering to the same old status quo in the context of this or any other aspect of life that has been shaken up and reviewed; we are just biding our time to make small and then much larger evolutions.

Of course, I miss my husband just being here when he’s at that other place, even though we kept to our own spaces during the working day apart from tea breaks and lunch times…yet the house feels completely different without him upstairs in his office and we both woke with that “Monday morning” knot in our stomachs, though its Thursday, and even after all this time without it (amazing how ingrained that feeling is). I dread that he may bring some of that “office” vibe back with him, into our house, which often seemed to me, the synesthete sensitive, like a grey cloud hovering over his energy field that took quite a while to disperse on his homecomings and which would build up like a thick smog on Sunday evenings. I used to think I relished my times all alone, up to ten hours a day five days a week, but this last few months have also woken something new in me too…being the first time in my life I had ever been with someone so intensively and intimately, because that’s what we are in the same space, even without words. I now realise that I am happier when I have someone with me than when I don’t and also find I am so much healthier without that intensity of innerness and isolation, which only ever exacerbated my health issues, my sensitivities, plus my extreme introversion and need for a quiet life, all of which direct me towards spending “too much time in my head” and out of my body and so I can go too far into it and become ungrounded. Half a year in, I was starting to feel more grounded in my physical body and more trusting of life; a major step in my healing process, so its hard not to feel that’s been disrupted. Together, we had found a new balance that worked from all angles…and we are only more determined that this is where we are headed, that we want more of it, that we can make this our new normal!

As I started off with, not all people will react like this to the return to office-based work, of course, but a great many will and I am hearing about so many of them in the forums I take part in, many of which attract sensitives, empaths, introverts, people who are highly self-motivated, self-contained in their habits, not needing to be energised by contact with other people or by drama, and who prefer to work alone, thriving most of all in the home-spaces they have created to meet the needs of their particular traits (none of which is “wrong”; there are a great many people like this and its time we were spoken for). For us, these months have marked a massive turning point and a show of just what is possible if the world could only be less extroversion-centric, far less teams-oriented and much more focused on the particular and unique ways that certain individuals prefer to live, work and create in order to get the very best out of their potential. The world never needed those people more!

And no, the world won’t be going back, whatever anyone says. The dam was broken and far too much water has now flown through the breach, so the current is only growing stronger and more compelling for those of us who’s heart-longing is for more flow; there can be no more stemming of that tide, it has been artificially held back by the wiles of men for far too long. These sojourns “back” into what seems like the old ways are testers and attempts to grab onto the sides of familiarity; they will only ever make those of us who have tasted some alternatives and smelt some roses, these last few months, even more determined to reach for the changes and put our energies into making them happen sooner or later and, in the meantime, we can’t underestimate how far we have come in relatively short time. The next two to three years will be the telling times; because, I suspect, a great many people have planted new seeds of aspiration in the soil of life, even if they can’t yet be fully realised…those seeds will come up and pretty soon we could have a whole new bed or roses.

Posted in Consciousness & evolution, Divine feminine, divine masculine, Life choices, Menu, Personal Development | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

One foot in the air

gladdayI often conjure up in my mind’s eye Blake’s “Glad Day” when I ponder the concept of “void” or “pure potential”. Does such a thing even exist, a question raised by my last post “Courage and Curiosity in the Void“? Our collective tendency to assume that it doesn’t, that all is already known, quantifiable, a version of familiar…that, as it were, all our building blocks are already laid out on the floor and all we can do is endlessly, and with ever-depleted enthusiasm, keep on trying to rearrange them in some sort of way that might “work” better (though, always assuming those ways being to be finite and heavily constrained by what we call law of science) is one of the biggest sticking points of humanity.

Void suggests there is far more that we don’t know and haven’t yet explored than that we do and have!

Which is where I always stand (yes, perhaps somewhat wobbly-seeming, compared to those who prefer both feet planted…but then its also the main source of my perpetual “gladness”). Perhaps this is due to the fact I am the consummate “creator” type, as in I am an artist first and foremost and we all know us artists prefer to keep one leg up-away from the solid earth, but I don’t just mean “creator” with a brush. To consider that “this” is all there is, and that we have to “just make do” with present circumstances and the linear route out of them, has never been palatable to me, for as long as I can remember…long before we got “here”. It’s what keeps me sane and eternally optimistic.

So, is there ever the possibility of void? As I just responded to a comment on that last post (and I hope my reader won’t mind me repeating my response here because it felt worthy of the longer discussion), yes there is most certainly the possibility of “void” but we need to feel into the quantum layer of what we refer to as “existence” to get even close to it. Meditation helps enormously. Holding space in our mental constructs (by making them much more elastic than has been the cultural norm for some time…) for something new, surprising, unusual or perhaps relatively common but previously denied or even feared (as is common when humans are confronted by the unfamiliar) to arise and unravel is a major part of it. Taking this newness in without allowing the mind to charge in and dictate what this means the very minute it gets wind of this thing (a response that always comes from our pre-conceptions, prior experiences etc.) allows us to step into that void and be part of its manifestation through resonance with our own cellular voids (every cell has its own empty space, just waiting for new expression to work with, inside and out). Its also something you tend to learn to play with as an artist, craftsperson, composer etc. (in which scenarios the competent use of “void” is just as important as what we “do” with the manifest or structural…) but, then, we are all creators of our own experience. We each have direct access to “void”, as-in the pure-potential for literally anything to happen or manifest, just as soon as we are each prepared to enter into it in our unique and highly potentiated ways.

It can feel a bit like jumping into a pool with no sides…but oh the gladness to be there.

So, back to my opening thread, this is something William Blake tried to explore with his painting of the Vitruvian Man entitled “Glad Day”, in which the figure is set free from the constraining circle (familiar from Leonardo da Vinci’s portrayal of human proportions) and has one foot up in the air, its intention or direction as yet undefined, going who-knows-where….like a joyful leap into the unknown. I think we are all so-poised at this unique moment in our “story”, now the old story is no longer holding water. If we so choose, this can become our own “glad day”, just as soon as we make it so by embracing the liberation and pure potential of the void over any other fixed ideas that may try to assert or oppress or drag us back into the dark cave of fear, smallness and resignation.

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